The Control Switch

Sorry about the super depressing posts from yesterday guys. I'll try to be a little less disturbing today, but only a little okay?

One of my major goals in life is to get to the point where I can be the person I really am, around other people. I don't think there is anyone in my life who would recognize me if they could see me when I'm alone. I'm not sure how to accomplish this. I don't know if I just need to change the way I think, or if I need to meet the right people, or what. It's like there's this control switch that automatically get turned on when other people are around. It's not something I do on purpose, I mean sometimes I do it on purpose but it happens whether I want it to or not. Everything just gets toned down. If I see something really funny when I'm alone, I might laugh about it for ten minuets but, if someone else is in the room, I could see the same thing and I'd probably just do that weird little scoff thing and that's it. When I'm by myself I sing all the time, sometimes very loudly and enthusiastically, but there have been multiple times when someone has asked me "hey how does that one song go?" and I am incapable of singing it. I will just say the lyrics, even though it's harder for the person to recognize the song that way. Sometimes I get this urge to just do some weird physical activity like climb a tree or hang upside down from the rafters in the pig barn. If I'm alone I go ahead and do it, but there's no way in hell I would do it if someone else was there. There's a good chance that if other people saw this side of me they would just think I'm a lunatic but, who knows, some of them might just think I'm a halfway interesting human being. I don't know I just feel like, if I could learn to leave that control switch off, I might actually have a chance at connecting with people. Unfortunately, I can't seem to do that.