Pheromones Part 2

Pheromones

I've been thinking about pheromones the last few days. 

Wanted; Sparring Partner

Something I need in my life. 

Ⓥ "Just"

I've noticed something troubling about my own language when I talk about Riley and Tuni. 

I Mean, It's a Possibility

I went through and deleted a bunch of shit from my SD card, so hopefully that was the issue with my camera and now I will be able to do videos again. Then again it may just be that the electronic curse has struck again. Speaking of the electronic curse, one of my clients was kind enough to come check out the issue with my electricity for the camper. He's an electrician and he had some kind of meter that is supposedly designed precisely for finding shorts in wires. Shockingly enough, it didn't work. I mean, it might have worked. From one direction it seemed like the signal stopped in one particular spot, but from the other direction it seemed there was nothing wrong with it at all. Of course, best case scenario, I'm still not getting into the camper; I'll just be getting how water in the pump-house. Still, maybe this will be one less thing to inconvenience the shit out of me. Maybe.

Humor

Here is another post from my old blog. Once again, this one still rings true after all this time. 

A lot of "funny" meat-eaters out there may think that vegetarians and vegans have no sense of humor. What other explanation could there possibly be for us not laughing when they make hilarious jokes like "if we're not supposed to eat animals why are they made out of meat?" Well, there is a very good explanation. That's not fucking funny! In fact, that is so not funny that I want to rip your face off when you say it.

Shortly after Riley and Petunia (my adopted pigs, for those who don't know) came to live with me, some guy was driving by and saw me walking toward the barn. He stopped and asked me what was in there. When I told him they were two pigs he laughed and said "are their names ham bone and pork chop?" I'm sure he thought I was quite rude because, not only did I not laugh at his remarkable wit, I simply said "no" and walked away from him. Though I'm sure it did seem that way, I didn't do this to be rude. I did it because, had I tried to stay and talk to him, I would have said something much more rude than "no".

I have actually had several people make similar jokes about Riley and Petunia and I know at least most of them are not trying to upset me. They genuinely think they're being funny. But if I made a joke about murdering your family would you think it was funny? Riley and Petunia are my family. And when you make jokes about eating other animals it's like making a joke about murdering someone else' family, still not funny.

The truth is that most vegetarians, vegans and animal rights activists do have a sense of humor. Most of us are quite capable of laughing at ourselves. Personally, I will not be offended if you make fun of me, of vegans in general, of vegan food, of whatever. Just don't make fun of the animals who are suffering, because that will never be funny.

I am a fairly stereotypical vegan. I'm socially awkward. I dress weird. I eat strange things. I like animals better than people. I buy environmentally-friendly everything. And the list goes on. There is plenty of comedic material there. Make as many jokes about that as you want.

A lot of vegan food is pretty weird. It also happens to be quite delicious, healthy and not made of the flesh or secretions of tortured animals, but none the less it is kind of weird. Yesterday I happened upon this image

and thought it was hilarious! I love Tofurkey, but it is sort of inherently funny and most omnivores are rather horrified by it.

The point is, when animal rights activists don't think you're funny it's not because we're so full of ourselves that we can't take a joke. It's because what may seem like a joke to you is just a heartbreaking reminder of the fact that animals are being tortured and killed to us. Suffering isn't funny. If you took a moment to try and see things from our perspective, you might realize how horrible what you're saying sounds to us.

So the next time you see me, if you want to point out the fact that I am entirely incapable of having a normal conversation with another human, or inquire about the mud stains on my jeans (which are there because Riley and Petunia smear mud on me and I'm not willing to use chemical based laundry detergent to get it out) go right ahead. Just don't try to pretend that there is anything funny about what happens to animals in this society, because there isn't. Thanks.

Give It a Shot

Today my sister and I are going to Connector Art's artist and artisan fair in Fairmont, at Palatine Park, if you get a chance you should come check it out. I'm not holding out much hope for actually selling anything, based on past experience with this sort of thing, but you never know I guess. It seems like it might be kind of fun though.

On a totally unrelated note, I think I have everything I need for my Typhoid Mary photo shoot. My swords came yesterday, and I bought the last little pieces for the outfit. I still have to paint the swords and do a little bit of sewing and whatnot. Other than that it's basically ready though. I thinks it's going to be pretty fucking cool.

I Think I'm Starting to Get the Hang of This

I went to my second Aikido class last night, and I really think I'm going to like it. We worked on some of the stuff that we did last week and, while I didn't actually remember how to do any of it, I definitely picked it up faster this time than last time. So hopefully that means that I'm retaining at least some of it.

We also did several new things, and it seems like most of the basic movements are pretty much the same; you just use them in different ways. So I feel like, once I really get those few basic moves down, I'll be able to improve much more quickly. Also, the sensei told me that I'm doing very well, so that made me feel pretty good about the whole thing. 

One thing we did that was not similar to anything else was "rolling" which is....exactly what it sounds like. We learned how to dive at the floor (backward and forward) and roll over back to a standing or kneeling position. I had actually practiced this before (you know, because I'm a dumbass) and, though this was a little different than the way I had been doing it because it was at an angle instead of straight over my head, I still feel like I got it quicker than I would have otherwise. According to my friend who invited me to the class in the first place, I am exceptionally quiet when I do it......I don't know..... maybe that's something that comes from practicing this kind of shit while living with other people? You eventually learn to slam yourself into the floor without waking the person sleeping in the next room, or disturbing the person watching TV downstairs. Or maybe I'm just that stealthy. 

Come Gather Round, Friends, and I'll Tell You a Tale

I want to tell you guys a little story about an interaction that I had a few nights ago.

It was around 10:00, and I was walking down the hill to the pig barn, water buckets in hand. I noticed headlights far in the distance and thought "If I hurry, I can get to the barn before they get here." because when a car passes, I have to crowd over into the weeds on the side of the road to avoid being hit. Unfortunately, it was pitch black out and the road next to the barn contains several of the worst pot-holes I have ever seen in my life. This meant that rushing could easily result in twisted ankles and/or spilled water buckets.

So I just kept walking at a careful pace and moved into the weeds when the vehicle got close. It turned out to be a large pickup truck being driven by a guy with a buzz-cut. Instead of just moving on by (you know, so I could climb back out of the waste-high weeds and get on with my life?) He stopped in the middle of the road, right beside me. I will now recount for you the conversation that followed.

Guy- Hey! You feedin' them hogs?
Me- (Well, I am carrying water buckets to the barn so.....) Yeah.
Guy- Them are some pretty big hogs.
Me- Yeah.....they're pretty big.
Guy- So you gonna butcher 'em or what?
Me- (GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!) No.......they're just.......they're rescues.
Guy- Rescues.......?!
Me- Yeah.
Guy- You from around here?

At this point, I assumed he was making a joke. Like, "You obviously can't be from here because no one around here would ever have rescue pigs" (hurhur).

Me- Yeah, I do.
Guy- I've lived here my whole life, and I never seen you before.

At this point, I realize that he was not, in fact, making a joke. He was actually asking me if I was from here.

Me- (Seriously!? No, I just travel around the country, feeding other people's pigs at 10:00 at night. What the fuck?) I live right up there.
Guy- Oh yeah?.......Hey, what is the name of the people who live up there?
Me- Metz.
Guy- Right. So what's your name?
Me- Whitney Metz.
Guy- Well, you look like you're kind of struggling with those buckets, hahah.
Me- (Grrrr. Snarl, poorly disguised as a smile) No, I got it.

I immediately realized this was a mistake, because I'm sure it sounded to him like I was encouraging him to continue talking. When what I was actually trying to do was assure him that I was not some weakling who was incapable of carrying a couple of buckets.

Guy- Hey, do you know........

He then proceeds to list names of my relatives as I confirm that I do, in fact, know them.

Guy- Hey, be careful down there. There's a big bees nest on the barn.
Me- (Yeah, I'm down there every fucking day, and the thing is about two feet long. I kind of noticed it. Also, they're yellow jackets, not bees.) Yeah, I know. It's been there for a while.
Guy- Yeah.....? (Look of utter confusion)

Apparently, allowing a bees nest to continue to exist on the side of my barn for an extended period of time was what it took for the guy to finally decide that I was too crazy to talk to anymore.

Anyway, this was one of the most awkward conversations I have ever had. And, for me, that's saying something.

The title is a reference to this ^ song.

   

Something New

I did, in fact, go to Aikido last night. It was definitely a change of pace from Muay Thai, but I really enjoyed it. I'm still not sure if I will be able to go regularly, since it is on weeknights and I just don't know if I can justify missing a massage to go, but I would like to. For one thing I liked it but, more importantly, I think it would be good for me. Plus, I know someone in the class, so I would have someone to talk to about it who would actually understand, as opposed to just trying to tell my family about it and having them look at me like I'm a lunatic.

The reason I think it would be good for me is because it was totally different from my Muay Thai class. This was much more technical, there were a lot of small very precise movements, as opposed to the more general movements I've been doing in Muay Thai. It was a bit frustrating for me, since I'm not used to having to pay quite so much attention to my movements, but I think it's definitely something that I should learn how to do.

It was also a lot less physically intense than Muay Thai (which did bug me a little, since I kind of like feeling exhausted at the end). Everything I've done so far has been about getting as much force as you can behind every move to get more power, whereas this was about using as little force as possible by turning your opponents' momentum and body weight against them. I admit, some of it was a bit close for my comfort though. Turning the other person's body weight against them usually means having to get right up against them, and I'm not really good with the whole having people in my personal space thing. Of course, that is also probably something I should be working on. Anyway, it was a good experience overall. 

It felt a little bit like this ^ at times.

That's a Little Better

My (online) human interaction went a little better today. I decided to give one more try to the whole commenting on posts thing, and this time I actually got a very nice comment back, and a couple of "likes". So that was cool. Also, someone posted what the called a "vegan friend bomb" and said to comment if you were open to friend requests from others in the group. I commented and now I have so many new vegan friends! Of course, in all likelihood, I will never actually talk to any of them but it's still nice to have them there. Plus, I got a really encouraging comment, from a real-life friend, on yesterday's post which made my situation seem a little less hopeless.

On a totally unrelated note, I'm probably going to post my video tomorrow because I feel like I might have something more interesting to talk about on Wednesday. You see, I have been invited to an Aikido class tomorrow night, and I feel like that is bound to yield interesting talking points.  

Broken

I swear, there is seriously something broken in me that makes it physically impossible for me to have healthy interactions with other people. Every time I say this to anyone they say "No, you just have to try harder." But the harder I try, the worse it gets. It's like I'm just fucking invisible (and inaudible) until someone wants something or sometimes, until someone feels like bitching at somebody.

I've been trying desperately to force myself to talk to people more, in the hope that eventually I will either get better at it or find someone who I feel comfortable talking to, even if only online. Over time, I have joined quite a few vegan groups on Facebook, but I almost never actually participate in any discussions. So a few days ago, I joined this new group and decided "I'm going to participate this time!" Amazingly, I actually have been. I've been answering people's questions, and even offering a little bit of semi-personal information a couple of times. Yet, I have managed to have not one single meaningful interaction with anyone. The only interaction I have had at all was when I somehow managed to incur the wrath of one of my fellow members after offering advice to a different member who had asked about vegan cat food. 

This is why I don't talk to people; it inevitably ends in either disappointment, when I am overlooked entirely, or an increase in my level of misanthropy, when I end up involved in some sort of conflict that I never wanted. Seriously, what is it about the way I communicate that causes people to react with either utter disinterest or unwarranted hostility? 

Guess what? Not that fucking simple!

Fire And Ice (Video)

I was so busy bitching yesterday that I totally forgot it was video day. So here is my video for this week; it's my poem Fire and Ice. I even put in the effort to memorize this one (it's a pretty short one, so it wasn't that much effort).

Not What You Think

I've mentioned before how I have this desire to understand what makes people act the way they do. I like to understand people. I feel like, in a lot of ways, this makes them easier to deal with. If you know why people are the way they are, and what they are thinking and feeling that causes them to behave a certain way, it makes it easier to accept the things they do without getting angry at them.

There is another side to this though that is a bit less helpful. When you understand what makes people act the way they do, you also tend to understand what you really are to those people. I feel like other people have a certain level of blissful ignorance when it comes to what others really feel about them. That's not the case for me. I know who I am to the people around me. I know what makes me valuable (or not valuable) to them.

I think people in general have this tendency to pick out certain aspects of a person and let those things represent the whole person. That's not really how people are though. We are complex creatures and can not be defined by just a few characteristics. I'm not going to get specific here, because I don't want to create any unnecessary conflict, but I think that nearly everyone I know (or ever have know) sees me as something very specific. They see me as whatever role it is that I play in their lives, or whatever trait seems most salient to them, or (sometimes) as a symbol of something that they think I represent.

I mean, I understand why this happens. We try to make sense of the things around us, even people, and I think I probably make even less sense than the average person. Because of this, the people around me just pick and choose what they want to see in me. To them, I am whatever they want me to be, and I usually play along.

Whenever I think about this topic (which is probably more often than it's healthy to think about such things) I generally find myself humming this song.

This Is Why I Don't Have Friends

I went grocery shopping today and twice I realized, too late, that I should have tried to interact with people I encountered. I just do not have whatever it is that allows most people to talk to other people, especially people they don't know. I know, for a fact, that other people meet new people at random places and end up getting to know them. I don't know how to do that. I just don't.

Quick back-story, Kroger has an "in" door, and an "out" door. While both are clearly marked, the "in" door is easily wide enough for two people to pass comfortably, while the "out" door is just barely wide enough for one person. So when someone comes in the "out" door, whoever is trying to get out has to either push them out of the way or wait. Well, I'm trying to leave three people barge in through the "out" door. Naturally, I back up and wait politely for them to get out of the way, while mentally cussing them out. The last guy is taking for-fucking-ever! So, finally, I look up to see why he is walking so very ridiculously slow....and he's staring right at me, and smiling. Now, probably, I should have smiled back and maybe even said something to him. Instead I sort of nodded and ducked around him to get outside.

Honestly, I'm not terribly upset about not talking to the guy at Kroger because, whether he was flirting with me or not, he was being super annoying. This one I am upset about though. I was checking out at Target and the girl running the register says "Did you make your necklace?" I smiled in her general direction (without actually making eye-contact) and said "Yeah, I did." Then she said "I like it." I smiled again (still not really at her) and said "Thank you." Then there was the standard "Have a nice day." "You too." and I left. Afterward, it occurred to me that my necklace says "Vegan" on it. Probably most people wouldn't make a point to say that they liked a necklace that says vegan on it unless they are also vegan. I mean, maybe some people would but I feel like there is a good chance that I spoke to another vegan today and basically blew her off. What is my problem? Why can't I get this whole social interaction thing?

Also, again after I left, I realized that while I was shopping I noticed a copy of the Thug Kitchen cookbook displayed in a very prominent place. When I saw it I was really excited that 1- a vegan cookbook would be in a place like Target at all, and 2- That someone would put it right out in the open, where everyone walking by would be sure to see it. After the whole thing with the necklace I thought "You know what would be a good reason for a vegan cookbook to be displayed like that at Target? If there was a vegan working there, and she put it on that display!" Of course, there is always the possibility that I'm being stupid here, and she wasn't a vegan, and the book was just a coincidence, but I still just feel like I missed yet another opportunity to connect with a like-minded person. Fuck my truly pathetic social skills!

I'm still really happy they have this ^ at Target though.

Ⓥ Discrepancy

I think socializing is more of a challenge for me than it is for most people. I assume this is mostly due to the fact that there are two distinct sides to my personality that often seem to conflict with one another. Because veganism and animal rights are the most important things to me, I'm always trying to connect with other vegans. I just feel like I can't be totally comfortable with non-vegans. It seems like having a shared belief system should automatically gives us a deeper connection.

The problem with this is that, to some extent, some of the stereotypes about vegans tend to hold true. Vegans in general do tend to be rather emotionally sensitive, peaceful, and loving people. This makes perfect sense; obviously those who are more empathetic would be more likely to care about the lives of others, both human and non-human. The thing is though, I'm not like that. I'm not a particularly sensitive person. In fact, I sort of pride myself on being completely unsentimental and unflappable. This makes it very hard for me to communicate with people who I should, logically, have every reason to get along with perfectly.

On the other hand, the people who I have a somewhat easier time talking to are often those who I ultimately have nothing in common with, other than a basic communication style. I like talking to people with dark or twisted senses of humor and a fondness for sarcasm. Unfortunately for me, it seems that there are very few vegans who fit this description.

It's also a problem for me to find other vegans who share any of my interests outside of animal rights. I have a propensity for things that are exciting, dangerous, violent (martial arts and the like), painful, etc. Most vegans don't seem to be interested in those sorts of things. I can totally understand that, it does appear to be a bit of a contradiction. However, I don't see why it has to be. Why do people have to be emotionally sensitive to see the inherent injustice of the way animals are treated in our society? Is there some rule that says that you can't be "tough" and still compassionate? I don't think so. I mean, when you think about it, what's more tough than protecting the innocent? Isn't that pretty much the strongest thing one can do?

It seems to me that even those who are totally okay with other types of violence should still be bothered by violence toward those who have done absolutely nothing to deserve it. Even those who have little tolerance for overly emotional people should have sympathy for the pain of those who are genuinely suffering. I guess I just don't understand why there aren't more angry, sarcastic, thrill-seeking vegans out there.  

Ⓥ Loss

The majority of my Facebook friends are people I've never met in real life. I have always made a point to connect with like-minded people online, since I have so few opportunities to do so in the real world. I try to seek out other vegans and animal rights activists on Facebook, and other forms of social media, as much as possible just so that I can feel that I have some sort of connection to people who care about the things that I do.

I very seldom actually interact with these people, outside of a mutual sharing and/or "liking" of posts, but I still feel like I know them to some extent. Even if we know nothing about each other, and never actually speak, they make me feel less alone and remind me that there are people out there who care about the fate of non-human animals as much as I do. There really are those who are trying to make the world a better place for all of us.

That being said, today when I checked Facebook, I learned that one of my friends had passed away. It felt like this terrible loss, even though I never really knew her, because I knew that there was now one less person in the world who cared about helping animals. I also regretted the fact that I didn't actually know her. Many of my other friends were commenting and talking about things that they had done with her and I realized that even though I feel like I know all of these amazing people, I really don't. I've never been good at getting to know people, online or in real life. So I just follow other activists posts and learn about them simply from the things that they share publicly. It's far from the same thing as being actual friends with them, but it does help to alleviate some of the isolation of being a vegan in an area where the are (almost) no other vegans.

I guess what I'm really trying to say here is that, at least in my case, there is an automatic bond between animal activists. When one of us is gone, it is a blow to us all. I just want all of the other vegans out there to know that, whether we know each other in real life, or are friends on Facebook, or have never interacted with each other at all, you are very important to me. I know I'm not good at showing it, even on Facebook, but I feel a deep connection to each of you. Just knowing that you are out there makes the world feel a little less cruel and heartless.

And, to my friend who is no longer here, thank you for all that you did for non-human animals. Even though we didn't know each other, I will miss you.

We're all in this together.

Cruel and Unusual

I ran out of time to write yesterday, so I'm doing my Muay Thai class recap today. 

It was me, the New Instructor, his Girlfriend, and a New Guy who was there for the first time. We went over punches again, since the New Guy needed to know that before he could really do much of anything else. We all took turns holding the pads for each other, so I got a chance to work with the New Guy and the Girlfriend. They both seem pretty cool, which is nice. I felt really bad for the New Guy though, because it turns out that he is left handed, which means that all of his punches are backward for the rest of us (his 1, 3, and 5, are our 2, 4, and 6, and vice versa). Trying to keep track of which punch is which is confusing as shit anyway, I still get them wrong sometimes and I've been there for-fucking-ever. So him having to hold pads and call out punches for us just seemed like too much to ask on his first day. Plus I know I fucked up several times when I was holding for him, and I'm guessing the Girlfriend probably did too. I just feel like, unless his brain is a hell of a lot more organized than mine, the poor guy is going to be totally confused for a long time. 

Also, I didn't get any good injuries at class, but I did manage to knock the skin off my knuckles during my workout yesterday. I've been practicing the patented patented Matt Murdock jump-up-and-kick-off-the-wall-spinning-punch, and yesterday I miscalculated and punched the textured ceiling in my workout room.  

I feel like I'm getting better at this, but I'll have to film it to see what it really looks like. If it looks decent, I'll let you guys see it too. 

Good News

On Saturday, my sister and I went to the Pittsburgh Vegan Festival. It was pretty cool, there were tons of people there (although it's hard to say how many of them were actually vegan, that's still encouraging), and a lot of really great local(ish) vegan vendors! Apparently they're doing another one in the fall, and I think this time I'll try to actually get there early enough to hear some of the speakers and everything. Anyway, there was someone there doing tarot readings, and I just couldn't help myself. 

I know a lot of people think this kind of stuff is complete crap, and maybe it is, but here's how I look at it. When it comes to anything that's outside of or beyond our physical world, I believe that anything is possible but nothing is for sure. Because I wanted to get the most accurate impression of her abilities (or lack thereof) I tried my best not to react to anything she said. I know that is one way that fake psychics con people; they say something vague and then, when you agree, they get more specific. My sister pointed out afterward that this woman actually started out specific, and very accurate, and then sort of backpedaled when I didn't say anything. I mean, it still wasn't anything remarkable but, that said, I thought it was a pretty good reading, and my sister agreed.

The reader started off by telling me that I was very stable, but that my life had potential for much better things. At this point I was kind of like "riiiiight, totally" but as she went on it got more accurate. I have to assume that the stable part was about my behavior, and not my actual mental state. I really am quite good at pretending to have my shit together and behaving as if I do. Even when I'm completely losing it, I still manage to get shit done. Someone I worked with years ago once told me I was "very zen", at the time I just did my best not to laugh. 

Anyway, she then went on to say that I've been wanting to make changes in my life; changing jobs, moving, changes in relationships, etc. She said that I had reached a plateau and that things were going to change dramatically, specifically that "I wouldn't be surprised if I saw you two years from now and your life was completely different". 

She then said that I'd had a lot of struggles in my life and that they had been strengthening my soul for something better. This was one of the times when she sort of tried to back up, when I didn't react. I didn't acknowledge the fact that I was struggling and she looked sort of flustered and said "Or the goods things in your life. It's all been to change you for the better." 

She smiled at me and said that I always do everything in my life with love and compassion and that was why better things were going to come to me. Again I didn't react. I wasn't going to tell her that all I want in my life is to make the world a better place, or that I desperately need to give my life meaning. She kind of shrugged and said "Maybe just with your vegan lifestyle." 

When she turned over the last card, which represents the overall outcome, she got this big smile on her face and said "Oooh, I love it when it's a good card!" It was The Universe (she wasn't using a standard tarot deck, by the way) and she said that this also meant changes for the better. She looked sort of sympathetic though and said "This one means that it will take a while." and explained that changes this big never happen quickly. She finished by saying "Someday, you will have the world the way you want it."  

Honestly, I thought that the way she phrased that last statement was the most impressive part of the reading. I feel like most people would probably want to hear that their own lives would be the way they want them, but she didn't say "life" she said "world." It made it seem as if she knew that I would never be satisfied with just having a good life for myself, as long as the world in general is still so shitty. 

I guess I just thought it was interesting that the whole reading focused entirely on the three things that seem to be the themes of my life; a constant struggle to change things, a commitment to trying to do the right thing, and a desperate need to have a positive impact on the world. I know this still could have applied to lots of different people, especially at a vegan festival, and also that it's a little too good to be true. But hey at least it gives me something to keep me going for a while. After all, that's why people go to psychics anyway, right? 

Plus, I went to a psychic once before, years ago, and she was blatantly full of shit.

My Cover Is Blown

Last night the New Instructor's Girlfriend was there. When I came in, he turned to her and said "Whitney is the one with the knife in her boot." Then he turned to me and said "I told her. I told everyone!" and I was like "You've let my secret out!" I mean really, how am I supposed to be an assassin if he goes around telling everyone?

Anyway, things went well. I ended up working with the same guy I worked with last week, and he seems cool. We worked on combinations with punches kicks and blocks, and I feel like we did pretty decent. 

It looks like I may have to take a break from class for a while soon though. The New Instructor is leaving in two weeks and will be gone until August. Apparently, they are getting some new guy to take over most of the classes, but he can't do Fridays. Oh well, I guess I'll jut have to find some new outlet for my aggression for a month and a half.