At Least I'm Learning Something

I am getting more entertainment from my Japanese course that I probably should.......

Pretty Twisted

I don't even remember how this came about, but a few days ago my mom and I were talking about nightmares. I said that most of the dreams that I actually remember (which is a pretty small number) are what most people would probably consider nightmares. Usually I seem to dream about awful things happening. Yet, I don't mind them the way I imagine most people do. The truth is, my real life is so fucking boring that I would rather be chased by a serial killer or something than wake up and do fucking dishes, and laundry, and whatever other meaningless bullshit I have planned for that day. This is not a healthy attitude. Oh well, at least I still have a few Deadpool comics left to read, and they released the trailer for Supernatural season 11. As long as I can immerse myself in enough fiction, I can usually (usually) tune out real-life enough to get through the day.

Shocking

Well, surprise surprise, I didn't sell anything at the artist fair. My sister gave out some business cards, but that was it. I pretty much sat there and read Deadpool (and then a novel, after I finished the volume of Deadpool I had) for six hours. Then we went home. Super productive.

My dad and I did get a little but of work done of the camper today. We got the water lines into the well, and got the pump put together (for the most part). Next week, we're going to try to get the electrical lines over to the pump house, so we can make sure the pump works. Then we have about 8000 other things that we still need to do. So yeah, it's still going to be a while.

Speaking of shocking, in this issue, Deadpool did his version of The Aristocrats and I found it pretty hilarious (don't judge me!).

That's a Little Better

My (online) human interaction went a little better today. I decided to give one more try to the whole commenting on posts thing, and this time I actually got a very nice comment back, and a couple of "likes". So that was cool. Also, someone posted what the called a "vegan friend bomb" and said to comment if you were open to friend requests from others in the group. I commented and now I have so many new vegan friends! Of course, in all likelihood, I will never actually talk to any of them but it's still nice to have them there. Plus, I got a really encouraging comment, from a real-life friend, on yesterday's post which made my situation seem a little less hopeless.

On a totally unrelated note, I'm probably going to post my video tomorrow because I feel like I might have something more interesting to talk about on Wednesday. You see, I have been invited to an Aikido class tomorrow night, and I feel like that is bound to yield interesting talking points.  

Broken

I swear, there is seriously something broken in me that makes it physically impossible for me to have healthy interactions with other people. Every time I say this to anyone they say "No, you just have to try harder." But the harder I try, the worse it gets. It's like I'm just fucking invisible (and inaudible) until someone wants something or sometimes, until someone feels like bitching at somebody.

I've been trying desperately to force myself to talk to people more, in the hope that eventually I will either get better at it or find someone who I feel comfortable talking to, even if only online. Over time, I have joined quite a few vegan groups on Facebook, but I almost never actually participate in any discussions. So a few days ago, I joined this new group and decided "I'm going to participate this time!" Amazingly, I actually have been. I've been answering people's questions, and even offering a little bit of semi-personal information a couple of times. Yet, I have managed to have not one single meaningful interaction with anyone. The only interaction I have had at all was when I somehow managed to incur the wrath of one of my fellow members after offering advice to a different member who had asked about vegan cat food. 

This is why I don't talk to people; it inevitably ends in either disappointment, when I am overlooked entirely, or an increase in my level of misanthropy, when I end up involved in some sort of conflict that I never wanted. Seriously, what is it about the way I communicate that causes people to react with either utter disinterest or unwarranted hostility? 

Guess what? Not that fucking simple!

Riveting Update

I just thought I would let you guys know that I got all of my blueberries dried. It didn't work quite as well as I had hoped, but I suppose they aren't too bad. The first batch came out more like freeze-dried than dehydrated. I wanted them to be like raisins, but instead they were more like a combination of gravel and dried leaves. Of course, I ate them anyway, but it was kind of unpleasant. I dripped some water on them, to add some of the moisture back, and that seems to have worked pretty well. Now if they just don't mold or anything I'll be good to go.

This is what I was going for......not so much what I got.

To make up for the really boring post, here is the trailer they just released for Suicide Squad. If you haven't seen it yet, it's ridiculously creepy/disturbing/amazing! 

Lazy-ish

I know I've talked about this before, but I don't have anything better to talk about, so I'll just reiterate. I'm so lazy, in the most ridiculous ways! I will put absurd amounts of effort into certain things, but other things (that require far less effort) get completely ignored. It seems like I'm really good at making myself do things as long as I do them everyday, but things that only need to be done occasionally get put off for-fucking-ever. I literally have to make myself do things every day, even if they don't need to be done every day, just to make sure they get done at all. For example, my nails haven't been painted for like two weeks now, simply because I haven't bothered with them. I hate the way my hands look without polish, but not enough to actually paint them. It's not even so much the painting that bugs me, as the waiting for them to dry. It's just so fucking inconvenient! I need to be able to use my hands! I don't have the patience to wait around for my damn nails to dry.

At this point, I'm actually starting to get used to the no polish look.

Another Bright Idea

Yesterday my mom, my sister and I went to pick blueberries. I thought that it might be nice to dry some of my own fruit. See, I eat a shit-ton of raisins and I've been wanting to try something else, but everything is just too fucking expensive. So instead, I thought I would buy a dehydrator, then spend a couple hours picking berries, then pay eighteen dollars a gallon for them, then spend many hours letting them dry, after which they will most likely not add up to enough to last me for more than a week. Yet another of my brilliant ideas in action.

Also, the blueberry bushes were covered in weird, angry caterpillars. Like these^.

Fire And Ice (Video)

I was so busy bitching yesterday that I totally forgot it was video day. So here is my video for this week; it's my poem Fire and Ice. I even put in the effort to memorize this one (it's a pretty short one, so it wasn't that much effort).

Home

I just thought I would go ahead and explain to all of you why having my own space is so important to me that I'm willing to go through all of this fucking hassle just to get a shitty, thirty year old, camper to live in. The things is, I haven't had a place that feels like home to me since.....well....forever. I mean, I'm sure there was a time when I was a kid that I felt at home in my house, but I don't remember it. As long as I can remember, I have been trying to squeeze myself, and my life, and all my stuff, into someone else's space. I've never had a place where I felt comfortable. I've never had a place where I felt at home. I've never had a place that was mine. I need a retreat, a sanctuary, a place where I can go to feel at ease when I just can't deal with the world anymore. I need to know that there is one single place in the world where I can go where I won't have to pretend, or tip-toe around, or try to work my way around other people's stuff. I just need that feeling of home.

It's the Little Things

When your life is mostly bullshit, like mine is, sometimes the smallest things can make everything seem better. After the whole idea about getting a trailer fell through (but before I decided to buy a camper instead) I was fairly certain that I was just going to be stuck living with my dad for.....well....forever. So I decided that, if I wasn't going to get my own space, I was at least going to do whatever I could to make my life feel a little less shitty. This mostly just involved buying shit that I had been wanting to buy, but didn't feel justified in buying because I thought I was going to need all the money I could save to get the stuff I needed for the trailer. Of course, now that I bought this camper, the fact that I spent so much money on these other things seems rather unfortunate, but what can you do?

That's really not the point of this post though. The point is that these stupid little things that I bought really did make things seem a little less shitty. It's kind of pathetic really, how exited I get about the dumbest stuff. I bought some new scrub pants, because I was tired of having to wear my old, remarkably hideous, ones to work everyday. I also bought some new pants to wear on the weekends, and some new dollhouse pants (which are the ones I'm happiest about); no one else even sees them, but I just feel so much better having ones that fit properly and aren't all stretched out.

You want to know the one that's really depressing though? Bag clips. My dad always uses clothes pins to seal up bags and, since that's all he has, that's what I've been using too. But I don't like them! They're not tight enough to keep things closed properly, and they can't really be washed. So I bought myself some stainless steal bag clips. When I went though and switched out the old clips for the new ones on all my stuff, I was so fucking excited! They were strong enough that I didn't have to worry about them falling off, and if they get dirty I can actually wash them! I practically did a fucking happy dance, just because my food was sealed with a better clip. So yeah, sometimes it's the little things that make all the difference......but, then again, it's also the little things that keep adding up until you owe your soul to Amazon.com

My new bag clips, yay!

The Illusion of Freedom

So you know how I was trying to buy a trailer? and I just couldn't seem to get anyone to move one for me? Well, I've been thinking about it and I'm thinking that maybe I was going about this the wrong way anyway. I know I'm kind of just rationalizing here, but hear me out. I had talked years ago about living in a camping trailer, then I (sort of) decided against it because I thought it would be too small for me to workout in. Well, I just realized that a regular trailer really wouldn't be all that much roomier. I mean, they're still really narrow and most of them have somewhat low ceilings. So if I'm willing to live in one of those, how much worse could it be to live in a camper? In fact, I feel like it could actually be better in some ways.

See, for a long time I've been kind of torn about the idea of investing any money in a place of my own here. I just keep thinking that someday I will move somewhere else, and then any money and time that I spent on making a place for myself will be wasted because I'll have to leave it behind. The great thing about a camper though, is that it could go anywhere I go. If someday I have an opportunity to leave, I can just do it. Not only would I have the ability to move, but having a camper would actually make it easier. I wouldn't even necessarily have to worry about finding a place to stay when I get to wherever I end up going. There are RV parks all over the place. So wherever I go, I will always have a place to stay. I know this is probably something that will never happen, and I'm just being delusional here. But, you know what? Sometimes delusions are all we have.

Plus, as an added bonus, I wouldn't have to worry about finding a professional to haul it for me. I just have to find a camper close enough that I can go pick it up. Also, as another added bonus, it will automatically be cheaper on heat/electricity/etc. And, to be honest, I just think they're cooler than regular trailers. Somehow I just feel like living in a camper is a personal choice, whereas living in a trailer is something you do because you can't afford to live in a real house.

Yeah.....thanks for that.

This Is Why I Don't Have Friends

I went grocery shopping today and twice I realized, too late, that I should have tried to interact with people I encountered. I just do not have whatever it is that allows most people to talk to other people, especially people they don't know. I know, for a fact, that other people meet new people at random places and end up getting to know them. I don't know how to do that. I just don't.

Quick back-story, Kroger has an "in" door, and an "out" door. While both are clearly marked, the "in" door is easily wide enough for two people to pass comfortably, while the "out" door is just barely wide enough for one person. So when someone comes in the "out" door, whoever is trying to get out has to either push them out of the way or wait. Well, I'm trying to leave three people barge in through the "out" door. Naturally, I back up and wait politely for them to get out of the way, while mentally cussing them out. The last guy is taking for-fucking-ever! So, finally, I look up to see why he is walking so very ridiculously slow....and he's staring right at me, and smiling. Now, probably, I should have smiled back and maybe even said something to him. Instead I sort of nodded and ducked around him to get outside.

Honestly, I'm not terribly upset about not talking to the guy at Kroger because, whether he was flirting with me or not, he was being super annoying. This one I am upset about though. I was checking out at Target and the girl running the register says "Did you make your necklace?" I smiled in her general direction (without actually making eye-contact) and said "Yeah, I did." Then she said "I like it." I smiled again (still not really at her) and said "Thank you." Then there was the standard "Have a nice day." "You too." and I left. Afterward, it occurred to me that my necklace says "Vegan" on it. Probably most people wouldn't make a point to say that they liked a necklace that says vegan on it unless they are also vegan. I mean, maybe some people would but I feel like there is a good chance that I spoke to another vegan today and basically blew her off. What is my problem? Why can't I get this whole social interaction thing?

Also, again after I left, I realized that while I was shopping I noticed a copy of the Thug Kitchen cookbook displayed in a very prominent place. When I saw it I was really excited that 1- a vegan cookbook would be in a place like Target at all, and 2- That someone would put it right out in the open, where everyone walking by would be sure to see it. After the whole thing with the necklace I thought "You know what would be a good reason for a vegan cookbook to be displayed like that at Target? If there was a vegan working there, and she put it on that display!" Of course, there is always the possibility that I'm being stupid here, and she wasn't a vegan, and the book was just a coincidence, but I still just feel like I missed yet another opportunity to connect with a like-minded person. Fuck my truly pathetic social skills!

I'm still really happy they have this ^ at Target though.

Ⓥ Discrepancy

I think socializing is more of a challenge for me than it is for most people. I assume this is mostly due to the fact that there are two distinct sides to my personality that often seem to conflict with one another. Because veganism and animal rights are the most important things to me, I'm always trying to connect with other vegans. I just feel like I can't be totally comfortable with non-vegans. It seems like having a shared belief system should automatically gives us a deeper connection.

The problem with this is that, to some extent, some of the stereotypes about vegans tend to hold true. Vegans in general do tend to be rather emotionally sensitive, peaceful, and loving people. This makes perfect sense; obviously those who are more empathetic would be more likely to care about the lives of others, both human and non-human. The thing is though, I'm not like that. I'm not a particularly sensitive person. In fact, I sort of pride myself on being completely unsentimental and unflappable. This makes it very hard for me to communicate with people who I should, logically, have every reason to get along with perfectly.

On the other hand, the people who I have a somewhat easier time talking to are often those who I ultimately have nothing in common with, other than a basic communication style. I like talking to people with dark or twisted senses of humor and a fondness for sarcasm. Unfortunately for me, it seems that there are very few vegans who fit this description.

It's also a problem for me to find other vegans who share any of my interests outside of animal rights. I have a propensity for things that are exciting, dangerous, violent (martial arts and the like), painful, etc. Most vegans don't seem to be interested in those sorts of things. I can totally understand that, it does appear to be a bit of a contradiction. However, I don't see why it has to be. Why do people have to be emotionally sensitive to see the inherent injustice of the way animals are treated in our society? Is there some rule that says that you can't be "tough" and still compassionate? I don't think so. I mean, when you think about it, what's more tough than protecting the innocent? Isn't that pretty much the strongest thing one can do?

It seems to me that even those who are totally okay with other types of violence should still be bothered by violence toward those who have done absolutely nothing to deserve it. Even those who have little tolerance for overly emotional people should have sympathy for the pain of those who are genuinely suffering. I guess I just don't understand why there aren't more angry, sarcastic, thrill-seeking vegans out there.  

Overthinking

Does anyone else find that they are only good at things when they can manage to not think about them? Pretty much everything I try to do, I do better if I can keep myself from actually focusing on what I'm trying to do. I don't know for sure, but I feel like most people concentrate on doing things when they aren't sure if hey can do them or not. Not me. I can do so much more when I don't think about it than when I do. It's like my brain intentionally tries to fuck me over. No matter what I'm doing, thinking about it makes automatically makes it shitty. I mean, even just speaking becomes difficult when I think too much about what I'm trying to say. I can have a half-way decent conversation if I just talk without thinking about it, but when I'm really trying to make a point I end up sounding like a dumb-ass.

The time when it's must obvious though is when trying to develop a new skill. Lately I've been practicing jumping up and swinging on the rafters in the pig barn. Sometimes I can do it right the first time, other times I miss four or five times in a row. The only difference is whether or not I can stop myself from thinking about what I'm trying to do. Of course, the problem is that knowing that I need to not think about it makes it damn near impossible to not think about it. It's super fucking annoying. I don't know why my brain does this to me!

Lazy

I'm sure you guys know by now that I have a pretty rigid schedule that I follow every day. You want to know something stupid though? Even if I manage to get all of my stuff done, if I put it ff too long I still feel like a lazy ass. Today I didn't workout until almost 3:00 and I felt almost as bad as if I didn't do it at all. I even had a (kind of) good excuse, I was cleaning the kitchen this morning and it took a long time, then it was time to feed the pigs, and when I got back from feeding them I was starving. Still, by the time I actually made myself do my workout, I really didn't feel like it anymore and I think I did everything kind of half-assed. So yeah, from now on I really need to get my ass in gear and get shit done on time.

I also didn't actually leave the house today, which also makes me feel like a lazy ass. Even though I didn't have anywhere I needed to go, I still just feel like I accomplished more if I go somewhere...anywhere.

I was even too lazy to find a good image today. So I just typed in "lazy" to Google images and picked the first one that I liked at all.

Because I'm Crazy

So you guys know how I've been working on doing pull-ups for a long time now. Well, I've finally gotten to the point where I feel like I'm pretty decent at it. When I first started I couldn't do very many at a time (actually, when I started out I couldn't do any at a time), so I started doing several sets within a short period of time, because I thought it would help me progress faster. I think it worked, because I have made quite a lot of progress. I always do them when I go to feed the pigs, and I would do three sets in the mornings and four sets in the evenings (because, for some reason, I can never do as many per set in the evenings). Here's the thing though, now that I can do more of them at a time, I've still been doing that many sets. It's become a pretty huge pain in the ass, and takes a long time to do. 

So finally I decided that I'm going to cut down the sets, just so that I won't have to dread feeding the pigs quite so much. I decided that I'm going to do two sets in the mornings, and one in the evenings, and that's it. The way I see it, now I can just keep increasing the number I do per set (I'm currently at 12) without it taking quite so much time. The problem is, now I'm kind of freaking out about it. I know it's insane, but my brain is like "NO! You can't do that! You'll lose all the progress you've made!" and I'm like "No, Brain, I'm still doing way more than I used to. It'll be fine." and my brain is like "No, I'm telling you. Your arms will turn to mush!" So yeah, I'm now trying to force myself to do less pull-ups and to believe that my brain is wrong. 

Luck or .......Something Else?

Yesterday, a client was telling me about all of the times he had been in the emergency room. I'm really not sure how we ended up talking about that, but it was a rather interesting conversation. After he had gone through this whole list of different injuries and whatnot, I said that I had never been in the emergency room (in fact, I've never been in the hospital at all). He said "You're really lucky." and I was like "Yeah, I guess I am." but the truth is, I think luck had very little to do with it. I'm fairly certain the fact that I have never been in the hospital is due to a combination of taking excellent care of my health and extreme stubbornness.

As I have mentioned, many times, I don't get sick nearly as often (or nearly as badly) as other people. I also think that, on the rare occasions (or the more frequent occasions from back before I was so concerned with being healthy) that I have been much more calm about it than a lot of people. When I was young, I used to get sore throats a lot, and the doctor wanted me to get my tonsils taken out but my parents and I decided against it, and it worked out just fine. There was also the time, back when I was at WVU, when I had a sinus infection for like months and my mom swears that, at one point, it looked like one of my eyes was bulging out of the socket. Again, it eventually went away. I mean it seems to me that in most cases, people get sick, then they get better, why bother with the hospital?

There have been times in my life though, when the sane thing to do probably would have been to go to the emergency room. I know there are plenty of times when I probably should have gotten stitches. There was that time, when I was a kid, that I stepped on a rusty thumb tack and a couple of days later my foot got all red, and swollen, and hot, and I had red stripes running up my leg. There was the time I drove my car off a bridge; I wasn't actually very injured (aside from the air-bag burn all over my face), but I just feel like most people probably would have gotten checked out anyway. There was the time, not so long ago, when I punched a door and got that huge, bulbous, fluid-filled knot on my hand. It turned out to be fine, but at the time I thought I might have permanently ruined it. Not to mention the big, weird, knobby thing that's always on my hand.

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm not so much "lucky" as I am an exceptionally healthy dumb-ass. Plus........

Let's Get the Ball Rolling

Seeing as how I'm supposed to be getting all of these changes in my life, I might as well start with my hair. We all knew this was coming, right? Once I start getting the urge to change something, it's only a matter if time. I've decided I'm going back to my old standard; I've had red hair for most of my life, and I miss it. Honestly, I've been thinking of going back for months now. The biggest reason I haven't done it already is because I've been wearing a lot of green lately and I thought it would look weird with red hair, plus my sister told me I would "look like Christmas". Well, I did an image search for red hair green clothes, and you know what? I think it looks really fucking cool!

Plus, you remember when I said I wanted to look like Liv from iZombie? Well, I tried growing my hair out a little so it would look more like her's, and that looked horrible. So I've been trying the whole faux-hawk thing. Then I (accidentally) got a tan, and it suddenly hit me the other day that I look exactly like Blaine! (He's the bad zombie who runs the butcher shop) and I simply cannot let this continue. So yeah, back to red.....just as soon as my henna gets here.

^Not okay. 

The Best Part of Waking Up.....Is Deadpool

I have been on this serious Deadpool kick lately. Remember when I mentioned that I had been reading a whole bunch of book that I felt like I should read, for one reason or another? I feel like I've also mentioned that I'm almost always reading two books at once, but I can't seem to find where I said that, so maybe I didn't. Anyway, I'm almost always reading two books at once (there, now I said it), one that's informative, or intellectual, or important in some way, and one that's just entertaining. So lately I've been reading famous and influential literary works.....and Deadpool comics. I always read for at least an hour in the mornings and, if it's something I really like, it helps me to be in a better mood for the rest of the day. I must say, I have not found anything that helps me start of the day on a high note better than Deadpool. He's just so fucking hilarious, and weird, and insane, and I love it!

Unfortunately for me, comics are a lot more expensive than regular books, and there are a shit-ton of Deadpool comics out there. So I have wracked up a rather ridiculous balance on my new Amazon credit card recently. But hey, what can you do?