Broken

I swear, there is seriously something broken in me that makes it physically impossible for me to have healthy interactions with other people. Every time I say this to anyone they say "No, you just have to try harder." But the harder I try, the worse it gets. It's like I'm just fucking invisible (and inaudible) until someone wants something or sometimes, until someone feels like bitching at somebody.

I've been trying desperately to force myself to talk to people more, in the hope that eventually I will either get better at it or find someone who I feel comfortable talking to, even if only online. Over time, I have joined quite a few vegan groups on Facebook, but I almost never actually participate in any discussions. So a few days ago, I joined this new group and decided "I'm going to participate this time!" Amazingly, I actually have been. I've been answering people's questions, and even offering a little bit of semi-personal information a couple of times. Yet, I have managed to have not one single meaningful interaction with anyone. The only interaction I have had at all was when I somehow managed to incur the wrath of one of my fellow members after offering advice to a different member who had asked about vegan cat food. 

This is why I don't talk to people; it inevitably ends in either disappointment, when I am overlooked entirely, or an increase in my level of misanthropy, when I end up involved in some sort of conflict that I never wanted. Seriously, what is it about the way I communicate that causes people to react with either utter disinterest or unwarranted hostility? 

Guess what? Not that fucking simple!

Ⓥ Loss

The majority of my Facebook friends are people I've never met in real life. I have always made a point to connect with like-minded people online, since I have so few opportunities to do so in the real world. I try to seek out other vegans and animal rights activists on Facebook, and other forms of social media, as much as possible just so that I can feel that I have some sort of connection to people who care about the things that I do.

I very seldom actually interact with these people, outside of a mutual sharing and/or "liking" of posts, but I still feel like I know them to some extent. Even if we know nothing about each other, and never actually speak, they make me feel less alone and remind me that there are people out there who care about the fate of non-human animals as much as I do. There really are those who are trying to make the world a better place for all of us.

That being said, today when I checked Facebook, I learned that one of my friends had passed away. It felt like this terrible loss, even though I never really knew her, because I knew that there was now one less person in the world who cared about helping animals. I also regretted the fact that I didn't actually know her. Many of my other friends were commenting and talking about things that they had done with her and I realized that even though I feel like I know all of these amazing people, I really don't. I've never been good at getting to know people, online or in real life. So I just follow other activists posts and learn about them simply from the things that they share publicly. It's far from the same thing as being actual friends with them, but it does help to alleviate some of the isolation of being a vegan in an area where the are (almost) no other vegans.

I guess what I'm really trying to say here is that, at least in my case, there is an automatic bond between animal activists. When one of us is gone, it is a blow to us all. I just want all of the other vegans out there to know that, whether we know each other in real life, or are friends on Facebook, or have never interacted with each other at all, you are very important to me. I know I'm not good at showing it, even on Facebook, but I feel a deep connection to each of you. Just knowing that you are out there makes the world feel a little less cruel and heartless.

And, to my friend who is no longer here, thank you for all that you did for non-human animals. Even though we didn't know each other, I will miss you.

We're all in this together.

Epitaph

For the sake of the planet and all of the beings who inhabit her, I really hope that humans get their shit together soon. I feel like there is a good chance that we're on a direct path for our own destruction and if we don't make some changes soon, we are going to ruin everything for everyone. For my own sake though, I sometimes hope that they just go ahead and burn it all down. The things is I just don't feel, and never really have felt, that I was built for this world. I sometimes think that I might thrive in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. I sometimes think that a good struggle for survival might be just what I need.

Mayhap there is a weird depressing poem in here somewhere? 

Also, the title/image are Dollhouse reference, just so you know. 

My "People Skills" Are "Rusty"

Some of you may be wondering why it is that I frequently post such overly personal and/or awkward and/or embarrassing information here. Well, I'll tell you why; it's because my people skills suck. I am terrible at dealing with people, I am terrible at talking to people, and I am REALLY terrible at telling people things about myself. I can know someone for years, have a million conversations with them and still never actually tell them anything significant about myself. Even with the people I am closest to, who I assume know most of what there is to know about me, I usually can't actually bring myself to talk about very personal things. So for the longest time, people just didn't know anything about me. I don't think most of them really cared to anyway, but still. I just got tired of keeping everything to myself. I got tired of feeling like I was ashamed of so much of who I am. So I decided to just be completely open about everything. I'm not going to hide things anymore. It's too exhausting and, to be honest, I don't really care that much what people think anymore. The way I see it, if I'm completely honest it will weed out the people who I shouldn't be wasting my time on in the first place and whoever is left, those are the people who I should be focusing on. This all sounds great right? But unfortunately, deciding to become an open book doesn't fix the original problem, which is my inability to talk to people. So I bring all of my confessions here to be seen by anyone who might possibly give a shit, whether they are my family or closest friends or some random-ass person from the other side of the world. This is my way of feeling a connection. So thanks for reading, whoever you are.

Living in a World Where No One Knows What's Important in Life, Priceless

I find that all of the things I value most are things that no one else seems to appreciate at all. The traits I work so hard to cultivate in myself are ones that seem worthless to other people. When I think about all of the things that are most sought after in our current society, it makes me feel 1-entirely alone, and 2- utterly hopeless as to the future of our world.

I value compassion for all beings in a world where most people barely show compassion to other humans.
I value strength, of body and mind, in a time when weakness is not only accepted but expected of us.
I value self-control in a society where excess and hedonism are rewarded
I value simplicity in in a country where success is measured in possessions.
I value hard work in an economy that's based around sitting at a desk.
I value courage in a culture that teaches us to be afraid of everything.

Fuck it. I'll just become a hermit.

Happy Whatever

The holidays always remind me how far removed I am from the rest of society. It seems that for most people there are two approaches to the holidays 1 embrace the whole family togetherness thing, or 2 get drunk. Neither of those things appeal to me. Of course a large part of the problem I have with the holidays comes from the fact that I refuse to ignore the inherent hypocrisy in celebrating "peace on earth" while millions of animals are being killed for some ridiculous feast, but that part I'm okay with. I decided a couple of years ago that I am not going to do the family dinner thing anymore because I can't stand to just sit there and pretend that I don't mind that they're eating an innocent animal. What bothers me is when I try to do things that I don't have any moral objection to and still can't seem to find any enjoyment in them. But oh well, happy holidays.