My Own Stuff

You know how I said that I cleaned the kitchen yesterday? Well, I actually got a whole cabinet and a drawer cleaned out for my stuff. That is much more of an accomplishment than it sounds like, by the way. Our kitchen was completely overflowing with random shit that, for the most part, no one has even seen for years. So I now have my own little section of the kitchen with all my own stuff! I've been gradually buying my own dishes and whatnot, and I've finally gotten most of what I need and now I finally have places to put it all. It's almost like having my own kitchen....well....not really, but kind of......I guess.

Hey, Sam! Just because I don't cook doesn't mean I don't need my own kitchen space, okay?

Oath

Alright you guys, I swear, when the weather gets better ( I mean like spring better, not like slightly less snow better) I AM going to find something interesting to do with my time. I don't care if I have to take up drag racing, or grave robbing, or whatever, I will have something to tell you that you might actually give a shit about. As it is, the high point of my day was watching X-Men and making a set of Runes out of clay. I will get less boring eventually, I swear.

In Reference to Yesterday's Post

I'm almost done with this painting/tedious-as-fuck-border-peeling job I've been doing. It's about damn time! I feel like I've been working on it forever, mostly because I spent most of that time snowed in at my house. Anyway, here is my new plan. Once I get this job finished, I'm going to use part of that money to buy a whole bunch of random art supplies. Then I'm going to just lock myself in my house and make a whole bunch of random shit. I'm just going to try everything and see what I like, what I'm good at, and what people might want to buy. I've had all of these ideas about stuff I want to try for years, but I've never taken the time to do it. Well, now I'm going to. Some of the things I want to try are; clay jewelry, metal jewelry, clay mugs, maybe some other clay sculptures, I also want to try drawing things and then writing some of my poems over the drawings, and I'm going to try to come up with something to do with all of these glass jars I've had lying around ever since the recycling place stopped taking glass. I keep trying to force myself to have a halfway normal life, to go out and do things, to try to have some sort of social life, but the truth is that I suck at that! So now I'm going to give the whole crazy, reclusive, artist thing a try.

Here are the things I've made so far. I know, the flower in the bottom center turned out sort of suspiciously shaped. I still think it looks kind of cool though, so whatever.  

Everything Is Broken

Sorry there was no post yesterday. Everything was (still kind of is) broken and I was just WAY too pissed off to write anything other than incoherent growling noises, which I wouldn't even be sure how to spell. First, I couldn't get my car out of the driveway, because of all the snow. Then, I tried to do laundry and the washing machine was frozen so that it filled with water but wouldn't drain, leaving my clothes soaking in their own dirty water. And finally, the one that really did it for me, my workout DVD broke. Like won't work at all, won't even register that it's in the disk drive, broke. I'm actually a little less pissed about it now that I know it's the DVD itself that is broken and not my computer, which is what I assumed it was originally. Of course I didn't realize this until late yesterday evening which means I didn't work out at all yesterday. I'm going to be aggravated about that for about a week or so. Now that I do know it's the DVD I just have to use one of my old workouts, which is nice in a way because I had been doing the same one everyday for at least a year and a half. Now I'm just paranoid that the one I'm doing now won't be as effective. You know, because I'm a crazy person.

"Sometime a thing gets broke can't be fixed." 

Stranded Again

Once again, we are having truly awful weather here. It's snowing A LOT, and really fucking cold. This means that I'm basically confined to the house for the entirety of the day, and who knows how many more days after this. Here's the funny part though, it's kind of okay with me. I have realized that, if I actually had my own space, I would probably be better off just hiding in the house all day. When I know that I don't have anywhere to go, I come up with all of these things that I want to do. Most of them are a complete and utter waste of time but, every once in a while, I actually manage to do something half-way worthwhile. I come up with all of these different art projects I want to try and all of these different writing ideas. I feel like, if I had unlimited time, I might actually be able to do something with some of this shit someday. As it is, I mostly just think of things I want to do and then never do them.The biggest issue is trying to get in as many of the things I think about doing as I can before my motivation starts to wane, which always happens much sooner than I expect it to. Also, it seems like the majority of my stress and anger comes from time constraints. I'm late for everything all the time and it never ceases to piss me off. It's pretty hard to be late for hanging around your own house though.

P.S. Don't forget to watch the new Supernatural tonight to combat the "boycott" :)

Isn't It Ironic

I have found that, in order to ever get anything accomplished, I have to have a time limit. I need to have something that I have to do every day so that I will know that I need to get everything done by a certain time. If I have an unlimited amount of time to do things, I always think "Oh, I'll do it later." but later never comes and nothing gets accomplished. At the same time, I feel like if I always have something that I have to do, I never get enough time to do all of the things I want to do. When I have all the time in the world, I never seem to get motivated. But when I need to leave the house in five minutes, I'm like "I want to do this! and that! and all those other things!" So, basically I only want to do things when I don't have time to do them. How very fucking convenient.

Hey, Check It Out! It Worked!

Observe, if you will, what time I am posting this. It looks like my stupid list idea worked, this time anyway. I actually got up at 6 today, the first time my alarm went off no less. This gave me just over five hours of sleep and, aside from the fact that it's cold and dark and miserable this time of day, I feel pretty decent. So yeah, I just wanted to share my tiny drop of success with you all.

"I don't sleep."

Also, my dad and I started watching Dark Angel the other day. So you can expect Dark Angel references for a while. 

Time for Plan D

I sincerely believe that my life would be significantly better if I just had the time to do all of the things that I want/need to do. The problem is, my list of things that I want/need to do is eternally growing and so is my desire to just sleep through my life. I keep trying to make myself get up early enough to get everything done, without having to rush around in a frenzy and make myself even more of a lunatic than I already am. The problem is, not matter what I do, I just can't seem to make myself get up any earlier than I absolutely have to. I either A- sleep through my multiple alarms altogether, or B-wake up and think "Eh, I don't really have to get up just yet." Either way, it eventually leads to me waking up, looking at my clock, yelling "FUCK!", jumping out of bed, and being in a pissy mood for the rest of the day while accomplishing a fraction of the things I had hoped to accomplish.

So my new plan is this. Every night before I go to bed, I am going to start making a list of all the things I want/need to do the following day (you all know how much I like lists). I am also going to make notes of why these things are important and how my life will be improved if I actually get them done. Then I will go to sleep with these things fresh in my mind, in the hopes that I will wake up in the morning and still remember them. In case you can't tell, I'm getting kind of desperate here.

Look What I've Done to Myself

At the beginning of this year, I posted a list of all the things I hoped to accomplish in 2013. It is now rapidly approaching the end of the year and I have not come close to achieving my goals. Not only that, but I have pretty much fucked myself over on several of them, so there's no way I can even rush around and try to finish them in the next few weeks. For my 100th post, I also made this list of things that I want to do over the course of my life. I thought maybe if I looked at that list and saw how many of those things I accomplished this year, it would make me feel better about the other list. Turns out I did almost none of those things either. Awesome. Now I'm all stressed out, trying to figure out how to not feel like a giant failure at the end of the year. This is what I get for setting goals.

"Ohhhhh look what you've done. You've made a fool of everyone."

Self-Sabotage

You remember that poetry thing I mentioned a while back? Well, it's tomorrow. And I have not prepared at all! When I first heard about it, I was so fucking excited! I was so sure it was going to amazing. I was going to practice my poem until I had it perfect. Instead, I sort of read over it four or five time over the last few days. This is what I do to myself. I take the things that mean the most to me and I do whatever I can to fuck them up. Hopefully, now that I'm all terrified about it, I will get super motivated and memorize the damn thing by tomorrow night. That's usually how I do things. Apparently, intense fear is very inspiring to me.

I was totally going to be all intense, and passionate, and expressive like Anis Mojgani. Now I'll be lucky if I remember what I'm supposed to say. 

Happy Fucking Birthday to Me

I know that once you get to be over the age of around twelve, birthdays become less than exciting; and after you reach the age of twenty-one, you officially have no reason to want to get older anymore. So, with that in mind, I'm sure I'm not saying anything here that you all haven't already thought on every birthday you've had for the last who knows how many years. That's not going to stop me from saying it though. I fucking hate birthdays! All they do is remind me that I've done jack shit with my life. I have now been alive for twenty-seven years and have absolutely nothing to show for it. Every year on my birthday I find myself wondering if I am any further along in my life than I was the previous year. Most years I find that, if anything, I have gone backward. To be quite honest, I'm fed up with it. By this time next year, I damn well better have made some sort of progress in my life! This year I AM going to get my shit together, no matter how much of a mess it is.

"It's gonna be a busy year." 

P.S. Sorry about the irregularity of my posts lately, and for the skipped posts. That is definitely one of the things on my list of  "shit that I need to get together."

Procrastination, Never a Good Idea

Do you ever put off the most mundane shit for so long that it becomes this incredibly daunting task, that you can't imagine yourself ever completing? Because I sure as hell do. I haven't checked my email in a couple of weeks, which I knew was a big mistake, and yesterday I tried to check it and found 827 unread emails in my inbox. I ask you, how the fuck am I ever supposed to sort through that many emails? Also, our kitchen has been entirely overrun by glass jars. They have the residue from various types of nut butters in them, and they have accumulated so much over the last few (weeks?, months? I don't ever remember anymore) that the idea of washing them all just seems unreasonable.

Eventually, I suppose I will get to this point. 

Progress (or lack thereof)

Remember this post where I talked about all the things I planned to do this year? Well, this blog is rapidly approaching it's one year anniversary and I have accomplished basically nothing on that list. Also, remember this post where I talked about all the things I want to do in my life? I have not accomplished any of those either. When I realized how little my life has progressed over the last year, it really bothered me. I thought that I would, at least, be a tiny bit closer to where I want to be in my life after a year. Instead I feel like I have not moved at all or, worse yet, that I may have actually moved backward.

I was trying to come up with an image for this post, and I thought of the freeze ray from Buffy (you know, like I've been frozen in place for the last year?). Then I thought "Wow, that's really dumb." but then I was like "Yeah, but I don't have time to come up with anything better." So, sorry guys you're stuck with the stupid freeze ray. 

It's My Own Fault

Yesterday, I was talking to someone at work about college. We were talking about how we had both gone to college multiple times and neither of us had ever actually finished our degrees. She studied psychology too, by the way. Anyway, she was saying how, the first time she started school, she ended up getting married and moving away. Then the second time, she got pregnant. And the third time, she got pregnant again. Those seem like pretty legitimate excuses for not finishing school. I'm just sitting there thinking "Yeah, I just kept getting bored."

So, I was looking for an image from any of the huge number of times either of the Winchesters have talked about how everything in the world is their fault. Instead I found this, and thought to myself "What in the fuck?!" and also "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" So here you go. 

Whatever Works I Guess

Remember how I said that I bought season 8 of Supernatural? Well, my mom watched the first seven seasons with me, but didn't get to see any of season 8. So I thought it would be nice if we could watch it together, now that I own it. The problem is, our schedules don't exactly line up very well. It seems that one of us is only free when the other is not. So what I've been doing the last few days is, getting ready for work an hour early and going to my mom's house while she is on lunch. That way we can fit in one episode, almost, every day. I thought it would be a huge pain in the ass trying to get ready early, since I can never even seem to get ready on time for work, but it has been working out really well for me. This way I can actually make myself get ready because I have something to look forward to instead of just dreading going to work.

                                      This pretty much sums up what Supernatural does for me.

Rock Bottom

Lately I have been in a just fucking terrible mood. By that I mean that I have been in a terrible mood that has been getting progressively worse over the last several months. I have not wanted to do anything, or see anyone, or even think about anything, and I have been absolutely pissed about it! I have been sleeping too much, doing too little, and generally making poor decisions. Yesterday, I overslept by three hours, got no housework done, didn't go grocery shopping, bought stuff online that I couldn't afford, and then actually skipped working out for the first time in at least a year. I say enough! I am going to get my shit together if it fucking kills me!

My Brain Is an Asshole

I swear there is some little piece of my brain that thinks the most fun thing in the world is to sabotage me, in every possible way. Yesterday was my day off, and I had all these things I was planning to get done. As usual, my plans didn't quite pan out. I thought "That's okay. I'll just get up early tomorrow and do it." So I set my clock for 6:00. I woke up at 8:56, which is about two hours later than I get up when I don't have shit-tons of housework to do. Fucking awesome! Thanks brain!

There's a chance it may be Scorpius. 

I Try to Be My Fucking Best, Okay?

I think I am going to try going back to writing in the mornings for a while. You see, Goodwill completely drains me of any and all inspiration, enthusiasm, and energy that I might have had. So, by the time I get home, I am in no state to come up with anything intelligent or entertaining to say.

Annnnnnnyway, you know how I said I've been doing the whole (stupid, frustrating, infuriating, futile) online dating thing? Well, I talked back and forth a couple of times with this one guy. He seemed a little better than some of the others. He was talking about how exciting his life had been; he'd been to this place, and that place, and done all of these things. When I wrote back I was actually trying to be sort of flirty, but I obviously failed. I said something to the effect of "It sounds like you've had a pretty exciting life. I don't feel like I've had nearly enough excitement in my life." He wrote me back this absurdly long message with all of this cliched bullshit about how the important thing is to just be yourself, and just let things happen the way they are going to, and don't have too many ideas about what your life is supposed to be, and just being a good person is enough. I swear, I've heard this same fucking speech from about thirty different people. Every time I say anything about my life being boring and devoid of meaning, this is what I get. And I'm sorry people, but it is complete and utter bullshit. Life is not about just letting whatever happens happen, and being a good person is not enough. It's about doing things, making things happen, trying to be the best that we can. If we're not going to change anything or accomplish anything then what's the fucking point?

There'll Be Days Like This

I'm having one of those days that just make me feel bored, frustrated and useless. Not because of anything that actually happened, or didn't happen. Every once in a while I just get this inexplicable urge to do SOMETHING, anything, interact with the rest of the world in some way. Unfortunately, having the urge to do something does not provide me with any ideas about what that should be. So instead, I just sit around and wish like hell that I had a fucking life. That's alright, it'll pass. By tomorrow I'll probably hate everything again and just want to hide from everyone.

The Obsessess

Last night my friend (and most loyal and valued reader), Rachel, shared this thing from the Oatmeal, in which the writer talked about "The Blerch".  Apparently the Blerch is a "fat little cherub" who follows him around and tells him to be lazy and eat terrible food and generally let his life go to shit. When I read this I was like "I have one of those too!" The more I thought about it though, I realized that mine is a little different. Instead of telling me not to do things it tells me to do lots of things; lots of stupid, pointless, time consuming things that end up taking up time that I should be using to do things that actually matter. Also, it doesn't tell me to eat terrible food; it juts tells me to eat A LOT of food. I have decided to call her the Obsessess, because once she gets an idea in her head she does not let it go. She is the reason that I will watch an entire series in record time, find a board I like on Pinterest and look at every last pin even if there are hundreds of them and it's 2am, the reason I will no longer let myself buy corn chips, and the reason I am always late for everything.