Every Damn Time

The poetry thing was last night. So, naturally, I spent the entire day reading my poem over, and over, and over, and over again. Then I spent most of the evening convincing myself that, yes, I did want to go through with this. It turned out that I didn't actually know where the place was, even though I thought I did. So my mom and I had to drive around forever and look for it. We still ended up getting there almost an hour before the thing started, which gave me ample time to freak right the fuck out. By the time I got up on stage, I was just trying to keep myself from looking as freaked out as I was. I actually did alright, I think. Not nearly as good as I had hoped, of course. But also not nearly as bad as I had feared. I got a pretty decent score too. Here's the fun part though; they were doing the competition in three rounds. This means that we were each supposed to have three poems prepared. Apparently everyone knew this but me. I always manage to find some way to embarrass the shit out of myself, even when I don't embarrass myself in the way that I expect to.

Self-Sabotage

You remember that poetry thing I mentioned a while back? Well, it's tomorrow. And I have not prepared at all! When I first heard about it, I was so fucking excited! I was so sure it was going to amazing. I was going to practice my poem until I had it perfect. Instead, I sort of read over it four or five time over the last few days. This is what I do to myself. I take the things that mean the most to me and I do whatever I can to fuck them up. Hopefully, now that I'm all terrified about it, I will get super motivated and memorize the damn thing by tomorrow night. That's usually how I do things. Apparently, intense fear is very inspiring to me.

I was totally going to be all intense, and passionate, and expressive like Anis Mojgani. Now I'll be lucky if I remember what I'm supposed to say. 

Very Important (to me, probably not to you) Poll!

I need everyone's help! A friend of mine on facebook just invited me to a poetry competition. I feel like this is something I have to do, despite the terror it evokes in me to think of standing up in front of a bunch of strangers and sharing my, at times, overly personal poetry. Here's what I need from all of you. Will anyone who reads this PLEASE PLEASE read through my poems and tell me which one you think I should do?
Ripped Apart
Futility
Shape Shifter
Too Close
Adulthood
Connected
Adventure

I have a feeling I will look much more like this version of Spike than the one I normally use for my poetry posts. 

It Looks Like the Powers Have a Sense of Humor

So, yesterday, I broke out the old Tarot cards for the first time in over a year. I decided to be really serious about it this time (don't you laugh at me), so I went outside and sat under my favorite tree and really focused on being open to any suggestions the Divine Powers might have for me. By the way, I have taken to referring to them as the "Divine Powers" when I'm being sincere and the "Powers that Be" when I'm being sarcastic. Anyway, I ended up with a layout that, while still not especially helpful, did seem somehow intentional and more than a little snooty.

The first position in the layout is called "what covers you" and it is supposedly the issue you're facing. My card was the king of wands. I started reading about him and realized that he was basically....well....me. Last time I tried to do my cards, I was trying to choose a card to represent me, which is something you are supposed to do before you start your reading. I finally just gave up on that because none of the queens really seemed that much like me. So the Divine Powers were like "You see, here's your problem. You're basically a guy." The next position is "what crosses you" which is either an obstacle or a benefit, depending on the context. My card was the ace of pentacles, which is all about money. I think that one is pretty self-explanatory. The next card "crowns you" and is all about the way you think about your situation. My card was the king of swords and his whole deal is about making people follow the rules. So, to me, this refers to my distaste for rules and my desire to live outside of conventional society. The next card is "at your feet" and indicates everything I have done that has led me to my current situation. It was the queen of swords who is all about following the rules. I interpreted this as meaning that I have been letting other people influence me and my decisions for too long. Next is the "near future". I got the knight of swords. He is this charismatic, dare-devil type. The way I saw it, this could either be someone who will come into my life, or someone I could become. Either way, I'll take it. Then came the "near past" which was the page of swords. This one talked about a kid with a dysfunctional family life who never felt that he/she had a real home. Seemed fairly accurate. Next is the "most important aspect". I got the ten of swords which is about pain and despair. I found that one pretty self-explanatory as well. Her comes the kind of funny part. The next position is called the "world to you". Guess which card I got? The world. I kind of feel like someone was getting sick of giving me insight and was just like "You want me to tell you what the world to you is? Really? It's the fucking world!" After that was "hope and fear". My card was the hermit, which was also funny because it was actually both my hope and my fear depending on whether I looked at it literally or symbolically. Literally, yeah I'm pretty fucking terrified that I will end up being a hermit for the rest of my life. But when you read the description of the card it actually represents the light at the end of the tunnel. The last card is the "out-come" and is supposed to be the answer to the question at hand. Mine was the ace of wands, which talks of new beginnings, fresh starts, and positive changes. I'll fucking take it!

By the way, yes I do realize that I obviously didn't shuffle well enough. Hence the king, queen, knight, page and ten of swords all in a row. That doesn't make them any less accurate though. So there.

These are my cards. Aren't they pretty? 

It's Fun If You Pretend It's Really Important

Lately, my mom's ceiling has been leaking water all over her floor; so today I went to her house to help her figure out where the water was coming from. I ended up going up inside the attic to look for moisture. This involved climbing up a ladder and through a hole in the wall into a space that was about a hundred degrees and filled with dirty old insulation. Then I had to carefully crawl across a board that was laying across the rafters, and a few rafters with no board, for about thirty(?) forty(?) feet (I'm terrible at estimating distance) on my hand and knees while carrying a flashlight. It was probably the high point of my week.

I felt like I was Echo, trying to save my original personality wedge.   

All Philosophical and Shit

I have decided to get all philosophical with my post tonight. I also happen to be half asleep, so it may just come out sounding like I'm really stoned. Apologies in advance if that is the case.

Here goes. What is it that makes different people feel differently about things? Why does one person like something and another not? Take food for example; why do some people love broccoli and other people hate it? Does it actually taste different to one person than it does to another? Furthermore, how can any of us actually know what something tastes like to someone else, or sounds like to them, or feels like to them? When you play your favorite song for someone and they hate it, do they really hate the same thing that you love or is it completely different inside their head than it is inside your's? The one that I find myself wondering about the most is physical sensations and biological responses. I, for example, love a good adrenaline rush; my mother, on the other hand, would avoid them at all costs. Why? Why would, say, the thought of jumping out of an airplane fill me with excitement and her with complete terror. Are we, in fact, experiencing the same thing, and interpreting it differently, or are they actually two totally different sensations?

Thank you, Rachel, for pinning this today. I think it's kind of perfect for this post. 

Perhaps It's Just Some Sort of Stroke or Something

I mentioned this to my mom and my sister the other day and it turns out that, yes, it is as weird as I thought it was. Anyway, you know how I have said, multiple times, that I don't really experience a fear response (at least not like other people do)? Well, it turns out, there is one situation in which I do experience it to a rather alarming degree. If I am driving and an animal runs out in front of me, which happens all the time by the way, it's like my heart just stops beating for a minute. Even if I'm far enough back from the animal that I'm obviously not going to hit him, if it even looks for a second like I might, my fucking hands get ice cold and my face goes completely numb. It's not just until the danger has passed either; I have to drive for the next ten minutes or so without being able to feel my face.

I'm fairly certain I've crossed paths with these guys on several occasions. 

Okay?!

I warned you. Here is the list of reasons why people need to stop treating me like some weak, innocent, little, pussy.

1- I have eight tattoos (and didn't whine for a second during any of them, just so you know)
2- I spent two months trudging through snow up to my knees in, frequently single-digit temperatures.
3- I spent another two months lifting trash cans full of shit and wet straw over my head.
4- I once let someone shoot me in the back with a paintball, just for shits. It leaves a fairly massive bruise, by the way.
5- I seem to have completely lost my ability to become afraid, which is pretty cool actually.
6- I worked construction for a while.
7- I work out for an hour and a half every day. This includes my power yoga DVD, twenty push-ups, twenty triangle push-ups, and fifty sit-ups.
8- I can eat spicier food than anyone else I've ever met, and usually enjoy it.
9- I haven't taken any sort of pain killer for over ten years, probably closer to fifteen. No matter what.
10- I have been bitten by a remarkable assortment of animals.
11- I applied for a job as a stripper (it's not my fault they didn't hire me).
12- I was threatened by a Brahma bull.
13- I no longer remember how many speeding tickets I have had (at least four).
14- I kicked a giant dent in the trunk of my car.
15- When I was at WVU, I was one of maybe three people I knew who could drink 151 without a chaser and without making a terrible face.
16- I can kick you in the face if I want, yes you.
17- One of the knuckles on my right hand is permanently kind of weird now, from punching solid objects.
18- I once tasted pepper spray, again just for shits.
19- I genuinely enjoy pushing my body to it's limits, just to see what I can do.
20- I have never gotten stitches, even though I probably should have multiple times.
21- I do not scream.
22- I do not cry.
23- I have probably heard every disturbing, offensive, horrifying joke that ever existed; thanks to the guys I used to hang out with at WVU.
24- Sometimes I like to go running outside in the pitch dark, just to freak myself out a little.
25- I seem to have exceptionally strong bones. I have never broken one despite doing just as many, probably quite a few more, dangerous and injurious things as the average person.
26- I truly don't mind (most types of) pain.
27- I sometimes wish that someone would try to mug me or something, just so I can see if I could take them.
28- I absolutely refuse to go to the doctor or take any kind of medications ever. If something is ever wrong with me, I just wait it out.
29- As anyone who reads this has undoubtedly noticed, I talk like a fucking sailor. Of course I don't talk like this at work or anything, because I don't feel like getting fired, but the rest of the time.
30- I may very well end up liberating some animals someday, but shhhhhh, don't tell anyone.
31- I was the only girl who even took the physical test for the police department, and I passed when at least two guys didn't.
32- I have made myself watch an absurd number of animal cruelty/ factory farming videos because I don't want to try to convince people of something that I haven't seen for myself.
33- I have almost no concern for my own safety.
34- I think really awful things about people, all the time.
35- It's just who I fucking am okay?!

I Don't Know Why

I have this inherent need to feel tough all the time. I was thinking today about some of the things I do to make myself feel like a badass. Then I thought "You know what? It's been too long since I posted a completely pointless list!" So here you go.

1. Drink black coffee. I don't know exactly why this makes me feel tough, but it does. Back when I was at WVU, drinking 151 had a similar effect. 

2. Refuse to sleep in, even when I don't have anything to do. 

3. Wear basically the same clothes whether it's 15 degrees or 98 degrees outside. 

4. Make myself do every exercise on on the DVD just a little more intensely than they tell me to. 

5. Carry furniture at work every chance I get. 

6. Occasionally challenge myself by eating food that is hotter than even I like it. Those who know me can tell you that is pretty fucking hot. 

7. Refuse to show most emotions. 

8. Constantly try to do things that I was previously unable to do. (Currently, I'm working on pull-ups)

9. Refuse to treat wounds, even though this results is nasty looking scars from unimpressive injuries. 

10. Never show fear; not during scary movies, not that time I went to Fright Farm, not when people intentionally try to scare me, not when I got threatened by Ed the Brahma bull. 

I had intended to go with the classic version of this, with Neil deGrasse Tyson. However, this owl looks totally unimpressed, and I thought that was more appropriate. 

I Want to Do that!

Today, we were supposed to go grocery shopping but instead my sister and I went to see The Conjuring. I will say, I was pleasantly surprised. It was the best horror movie I have seen in quite a while. Supposedly it was based on the actually files of this couple called Warrens who were paranormal investigators. Who knows how much of the movie was actually true (probably not much) but if even a tiny bit of it was, I want to do that! I tried to convince my sister to hunt ghosts with me, but she vehemently refused :(

Sink or Swim

I was fairly nervous about going back to Goodwill today. I have been away for over a year and I had been informed that several things had changed since I last worker there. Plus I have this irrational fear that I will lose my ability to count correctly, especially after not having anything to do with numbers or money for a long time. Anyway, they decided to let me ease back into things today by sticking me on register by myself for the better part of the evening. Thanks guys! In all honesty, it worker out alright. Having to do all of it myself prevented me form having enough time to get bored. Also, I think I actually got flirted with by a guy who was NOT old and creepy.

Adulthood (Poem)

I am not an adult. I refuse to relinquish my crazy dreams. I'll never abandon my impossible fantasies. I simply cannot concede that my delusions are well.........delusional. I will not accept the inevitability of mediocrity. I believe in the possibility of great and wonderful and terrifying things. More importantly, I believe in my own ability to greet those things with a fierce courage and unstoppable strength. I reserve the right to believe that magic exists and so do superheroes, and that there is still a chance that, someday, I might encounter both. I assert that I am entitled to the occasional temper tantrum, even if I do insist on keeping it at bay until I am alone. I can't help but assign emotions to inanimate objects, though only if the objects seem particularly emotional. I still create stories in my head just like I did when I was a little girl and, though I may no longer act them out physically, much of my life is still spent in those imagined places. The beauty and wonder of those places has led me to view our reality through a film of distaste and defiance, and to ask myself  "Why would anyone want to live here?"

Running Into Burning Buildings

*This is the post I wrote a while back and then removed because of what happened in Boston. I figured I might as well go ahead and post it now because, at this point, it's probably not going to get any less offensive.*

This probably makes me a truly awful human being but I often find myself hoping that I will come upon some terribly dangerous situation; you know like a car accident, or a burning building, or a robbery, or something. It's not that I hope those things will happen, it's just that if/when they do happen I hope I'm there. You hear about people who find themselves in these situations and do something crazy and save people's lives. I want to be one of those people.

I was looking for a picture of a burning building and found this. So I just thought I would share. Enjoy. 

Ever Get that Feeling Someone's In the Backseat? Frowny Face

I automatically turn around and look in the backseat almost every time I get in my car. It's not that I'm paranoid or anything; I don't actually believe anyone is back there. It just seems like a very easy, practical way to avoid an extremely cliched horror movie death. I also tend to pay attention to other things that are stereotypically indicative of something bad about to happen in a movie. I'm always wary of things like seeing the same random person in more than one place in the same day, or the same car staying behind me for an extended period of time. These just seem like common sense precautions to me.

While we are on the topic of horror movies, what is the deal with every woman in every horror movie, and a lot of other movies as well, doing that shrieking thing? As I have said on multiple occasions, I am not a normal girl. So maybe it's just that I'm weird, but I don't get that. I just don't think that I would ever scream like that. I mean what good does it do? Personally, I think it makes a lot more sense to save your breath and try to fight the guy off, but maybe that's just me. I don't care if I'm being attacked by some crazed murderer, or a ghost, or a zombie, or whatever, I just don't see myself ever doing that. 

A Bit of an Overreaction

On the first day of every new semester, in almost every class, I suddenly think "Holy fuck! What have I done?" It seems that, no matter how much I may end up liking the class in the long run, I always freak out on the first day. When the professor starts going over the syllabus, and I realize all of the stuff I am going to have to do and all the rules for the class, I always feel like it's going to be awful. By the end of the day I am always half convinced that I am going to have to drop all of my classes and go back to work at Goodwill.

Fight or Flight.....or Just Sit There.

I don't seem to have the normal fear response that most people have. Not only do I not get scared, I don't even really get startled. Last night I was sitting at my mom's house, by myself, watching Netfilx (because that's what I do with my time). I'm sitting on her couch, which is right up against a huge window, watching Supernatural. Zeke, my sister's cat, is laying in the window right behind my head. All of a sudden there is this loud banging on the glass and Zeke shoots into the air and takes off running through the house. Instead of jumping, or possibly screaming, like most people would I automatically assumed that my sister had come home and that it was her out there. I yelled "you scared the shit out of your cat asshole" without even turning around. It turned out it was actually my mom's boss/landlord/neighbor, but it wasn't a serial killer or anything so I guess it was okay that I didn't care. I remember a few years ago I went to this haunted house thing with my boyfriend, at the time, his brother and a bunch of other people. After we left the haunted house, which I guess is supposedly pretty scary, we stopped at a gas station. My boyfriend went inside and I sat in the car. His brother sneaked up to my window and slammed into the glass. I just turned and looked at him. Needless to say, he was a bit disappointed by my reaction. This tactic will probably not be especially effective against a real threat, but it works pretty well on practical jokers.