Being Successful

Thoughts on success. Also, Youtube gives me the best thumbnail choices; enjoy this lovely claw-hand.

Wow, Thanks. I Feel Much Better Now!

Since I don't really know how to go about finding a good psychic, so I decided to just do my own tarot reading and film it for you guys. However, my camera has now started just shutting off for no apparent reason. So yeah, no video today. Anyway, it seemed at least semi-accurate but was not exactly encouraging. The way I do my spreads, the final card is supposed to be the outcome of the current situation. My last card was called "Challenge" #15 of the major arcana. I didn't like the book that came with my tarot cards, so I have been using a generic tarot book. When I looked up #15 in my book, it turns out that it's not normally called challenge (my cards were just trying to be nice), it's really called "The Devil" and it represents "negative thoughts" and being the "prisoner of poor choices". Awesome.  

Wrong Again

As a follow up to yesterday's post-

I really thought that giving up the one thing that I really wanted (my own space), would put a stop to the awful shit that has been happening in my life. I'm not even going to do into it right now, but suffice it to say I was wrong. I was very, very wrong. I honestly don't even know what to do. I know I joke all the time about being cursed, but I'm really starting to believe it. There is definitely something seriously wrong with my life, and it's something that I can't do anything about. You can't change things that you have no control over, and you can't prevent things that you can't see coming. I truly feel like there is some dark thing following me around, doing everything it possibly can to make me miserable.

I know this sounds completely stupid, but I really kind if want to find a psychic (or something), to tell me what the fuck this is. Am I actually cursed, or is there some fucking evil spirit stuck to me, or am I just a shitty human being, or what? Of course I know that most psychics are full of shit, but I do think that there are real ones out there too. Does anyone know how one would go about finding a Destiny Rumancek, or perhaps a Missouri Moseley? I'm really not kidding, I'm willing to try anything, at this point.

Signs (Video)

Well, I kept saying that once I got into my camper I was going to start doing videos more often. I've decided to just start doing more videos now. If you watch this one, you'll know why. 

Adjustments

It's so weird to me how quickly we get used to certain things; you deal with something for a little while and then all of a sudden it's the norm and you don't even notice anymore. (Of course, this only works for some things. There are always the things that you never do get used to, but I talk about that enough.)

The last couple of days the weather has been significantly cooler here. Not cold, by any means, just cooler. And I have been freezing my ass off! Today it is in the seventies outside and I'm wearing a long-sleeved shirt. I hate long-sleeved shirts, I never wear them unless I absolutely have to. Last night I think it got down into the upper forties. All through last winter, I slept with my window cracked at least a little almost every night. Last night I woke up and closed the window all the way and added a second blanket to my bed, even though I have been sleeping with just a sheet for the last couple of months.

It just always amazes me how differently our bodies (and our minds) interpret things based on what has been happening recently. I know damn well that a couple of months ago this weather would have felt amazing, but since it has been upward of ninety degrees lately, I feel like I'm going to freeze to death. It's not even like I got used to being comfortable and am now uncomfortable, the heat hasn't been particularly pleasant either, it's just that something different is happening and now my body is convinced that it is now winter.

Well...if I had a tail, it would be.

Pretty Twisted

I don't even remember how this came about, but a few days ago my mom and I were talking about nightmares. I said that most of the dreams that I actually remember (which is a pretty small number) are what most people would probably consider nightmares. Usually I seem to dream about awful things happening. Yet, I don't mind them the way I imagine most people do. The truth is, my real life is so fucking boring that I would rather be chased by a serial killer or something than wake up and do fucking dishes, and laundry, and whatever other meaningless bullshit I have planned for that day. This is not a healthy attitude. Oh well, at least I still have a few Deadpool comics left to read, and they released the trailer for Supernatural season 11. As long as I can immerse myself in enough fiction, I can usually (usually) tune out real-life enough to get through the day.

I'm Not Even Being Sarcastic This Time!

Do you guys remember, way back when, when T.O.F.U magazine published an article that I wrote? Well, they've decided to do a book collecting the best articles from past issues......and they want to include mine! I'm pretty excited about it; it's nice to know that someone considered my writing good enough to be included in a "best of" anything collection. The only problem is that they want me to write an update to go with it and, unfortunately, I have made little to no actual progress in my life since I wrote the article. So yeah, I'm going to have to think up a way to say "My life is still a complete and utter mess" in a way that doesn't sound pathetic.

Also, I totally just realized that I forgot to link to the album for my Typhoid Mary shoot. Be sure you "like"

my sister's photography page while you're there!

Remnants of Childhood

Here is yet another of my old poems. 

I went back 

to the place where I grew up

and there I found 

hidden in the brush

the remnants of my childhood.

There they were

at the base of that old tree,

rusted and broken

and so caked with dirt that I could hardly see

these things that I once loved.

Old toy and old places

tend to crumble with time

try if you want

but you never will find

a way to return them

to the way they are in your mind.

In the memories of children

everything seems divine.

Don't misunderstand.

Please don't get me wrong.

I have plenty of bad

and painful memories from when I was young,

more than I care to name.

But it's just different

for children than it is for adults. 

They have this innocence

that won't let them understand what's going on,

it's their only defense.

Children just know

how to see the beauty in everything

and to overlook

the things that they don't want to see,

things too ugly to face,

like depression and anger

in the people they love

and all of the chaos

this world is made of.

They believe those sweet lies

people tell to the young,

and no matter how hard they fall

they always get back up.

I wish that I

could get some of that back,

and see more value

in happiness than in truth and facts.

I miss that innocence.

Maybe then I could

start a new life for myself

and overcome

all of this hopelessness that I have felt.

I think that would save me.

Ⓥ Compromises

I try my best never to compromise when it comes to my beliefs. I make a point never to do things that I will have to feel guilty for later. I am especially strict when it comes to matters of animal rights; I am probably one of the pickiest vegans in the world. I do everything in my power to avoid harming any living being, even the ones that many other vegans don't take into consideration (like various "pests").

Unfortunately for me, I live in a place where compromise on these issues is often necessary just to get by in society. I think one of the necessities of the animal rights cause is to attempt to spread the message that animals deserve better than the way our society treats them, to as many people as possible. However, it is simply not feasible for me to be open about my feelings about the treatment of nonhuman animals here. I have to deal with people on a daily basis who are involved in animal exploitation, in one way or another. At work, I end up talking to hunters, farmers, breeders, and even people involved in rodeos. I can't exactly tell these people what I think about the things they do. I'm pretty sure I would get fired, and it really doesn't seem like a good idea to get on the bad side of everyone who lives in my area.

As much as I hate the activities encouraged by this culture, I do still live here and therefore am required to deal with the locals, whether I like it or not. I feel like, in the long run, it's probably better to be "the vegan girl who gets along okay with everyone" than to be "the angry animal rights activist who antagonizes her neighbors". I still don't like it though. It's not that I actually believe I could change their minds if I did tell them how I feel, but it still feels like a betrayal of my beliefs to stay silent.

As if dealing with this in normal social situations isn't enough, I have to face it even more because of Riley and Tuni. There aren't exactly separate stores for people who want to buy feed for rescued farm animals, and if there were they certainly wouldn't be in West Virginia. This means that every time I have to buy pig food, I have to interact with other people who are buying food for farmed animals, and not one of them is doing it for the same reason I am.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes no matter how hard you try not to, you do have to make compromises, even when it comes to the things that matter most to you. I can only hope that someday this will not be the case, but for now I can see no way around it. I tell myself that, as long as I stay true to my beliefs, it doesn't matter whether I express those beliefs to the rest of the world or not. I'm not certain that I really believe that though.

Once More with Feeling

I finally found someone else to move my camper! He is doing it for the same price that I had agreed on with the first guy, which is nice since everyone else seemed to want twice that much. Supposedly he is going to pick it up on Saturday, and I should have it by Sunday. Also, I think my dad and I are going to go buy some stuff for my pump-house tomorrow, so that I can have running water sometime in the near future. Maybe, just maybe, things are starting to come together. Maybe.

No, Buffy. Not until the thing is actually sitting in my yard.....but then? Definitely! 

Fire And Ice (Video)

I was so busy bitching yesterday that I totally forgot it was video day. So here is my video for this week; it's my poem Fire and Ice. I even put in the effort to memorize this one (it's a pretty short one, so it wasn't that much effort).

The Stupidest Thing Ever!

Would you like to hear the stupidest thing ever? Now you guys know how many stupid things happen to me, so you know that when I say this is "the stupidest thing ever" that is really saying something.

Remember how the guy who was supposed to move my camper backed out because the license pate was expired (and also, kind of, because of the bearings)? Well, as it turns out, the license plate is not in fact expired (also, it turns out that the bearings are good too). Apparently, when the guy who sold me the thing asked me what I was going to do about the license plate, he was just wanting to know if I needed him to leave his (still legal) plate on.

So yeah, now that I have already cancelled the deal with the mover, I find out that every single issues that was keeping him from moving the fucking thing is actually not an issues at all! Unfortunately, I now can't find anyone else who is willing to do it for anything remotely resembling a reasonable price. All of the other companies that bid on my shipment originally are now ignoring me, presumably because they don't want to deal with someone who cancels shipments. So, basically, I am now completely fucked for absolutely no reason at all!

Do you guys remember Freaks and Geeks ^ because it was a really good show.

Home

I just thought I would go ahead and explain to all of you why having my own space is so important to me that I'm willing to go through all of this fucking hassle just to get a shitty, thirty year old, camper to live in. The things is, I haven't had a place that feels like home to me since.....well....forever. I mean, I'm sure there was a time when I was a kid that I felt at home in my house, but I don't remember it. As long as I can remember, I have been trying to squeeze myself, and my life, and all my stuff, into someone else's space. I've never had a place where I felt comfortable. I've never had a place where I felt at home. I've never had a place that was mine. I need a retreat, a sanctuary, a place where I can go to feel at ease when I just can't deal with the world anymore. I need to know that there is one single place in the world where I can go where I won't have to pretend, or tip-toe around, or try to work my way around other people's stuff. I just need that feeling of home.

My Own Stuff

You know how I said that I cleaned the kitchen yesterday? Well, I actually got a whole cabinet and a drawer cleaned out for my stuff. That is much more of an accomplishment than it sounds like, by the way. Our kitchen was completely overflowing with random shit that, for the most part, no one has even seen for years. So I now have my own little section of the kitchen with all my own stuff! I've been gradually buying my own dishes and whatnot, and I've finally gotten most of what I need and now I finally have places to put it all. It's almost like having my own kitchen....well....not really, but kind of......I guess.

Hey, Sam! Just because I don't cook doesn't mean I don't need my own kitchen space, okay?

Good News

On Saturday, my sister and I went to the Pittsburgh Vegan Festival. It was pretty cool, there were tons of people there (although it's hard to say how many of them were actually vegan, that's still encouraging), and a lot of really great local(ish) vegan vendors! Apparently they're doing another one in the fall, and I think this time I'll try to actually get there early enough to hear some of the speakers and everything. Anyway, there was someone there doing tarot readings, and I just couldn't help myself. 

I know a lot of people think this kind of stuff is complete crap, and maybe it is, but here's how I look at it. When it comes to anything that's outside of or beyond our physical world, I believe that anything is possible but nothing is for sure. Because I wanted to get the most accurate impression of her abilities (or lack thereof) I tried my best not to react to anything she said. I know that is one way that fake psychics con people; they say something vague and then, when you agree, they get more specific. My sister pointed out afterward that this woman actually started out specific, and very accurate, and then sort of backpedaled when I didn't say anything. I mean, it still wasn't anything remarkable but, that said, I thought it was a pretty good reading, and my sister agreed.

The reader started off by telling me that I was very stable, but that my life had potential for much better things. At this point I was kind of like "riiiiight, totally" but as she went on it got more accurate. I have to assume that the stable part was about my behavior, and not my actual mental state. I really am quite good at pretending to have my shit together and behaving as if I do. Even when I'm completely losing it, I still manage to get shit done. Someone I worked with years ago once told me I was "very zen", at the time I just did my best not to laugh. 

Anyway, she then went on to say that I've been wanting to make changes in my life; changing jobs, moving, changes in relationships, etc. She said that I had reached a plateau and that things were going to change dramatically, specifically that "I wouldn't be surprised if I saw you two years from now and your life was completely different". 

She then said that I'd had a lot of struggles in my life and that they had been strengthening my soul for something better. This was one of the times when she sort of tried to back up, when I didn't react. I didn't acknowledge the fact that I was struggling and she looked sort of flustered and said "Or the goods things in your life. It's all been to change you for the better." 

She smiled at me and said that I always do everything in my life with love and compassion and that was why better things were going to come to me. Again I didn't react. I wasn't going to tell her that all I want in my life is to make the world a better place, or that I desperately need to give my life meaning. She kind of shrugged and said "Maybe just with your vegan lifestyle." 

When she turned over the last card, which represents the overall outcome, she got this big smile on her face and said "Oooh, I love it when it's a good card!" It was The Universe (she wasn't using a standard tarot deck, by the way) and she said that this also meant changes for the better. She looked sort of sympathetic though and said "This one means that it will take a while." and explained that changes this big never happen quickly. She finished by saying "Someday, you will have the world the way you want it."  

Honestly, I thought that the way she phrased that last statement was the most impressive part of the reading. I feel like most people would probably want to hear that their own lives would be the way they want them, but she didn't say "life" she said "world." It made it seem as if she knew that I would never be satisfied with just having a good life for myself, as long as the world in general is still so shitty. 

I guess I just thought it was interesting that the whole reading focused entirely on the three things that seem to be the themes of my life; a constant struggle to change things, a commitment to trying to do the right thing, and a desperate need to have a positive impact on the world. I know this still could have applied to lots of different people, especially at a vegan festival, and also that it's a little too good to be true. But hey at least it gives me something to keep me going for a while. After all, that's why people go to psychics anyway, right? 

Plus, I went to a psychic once before, years ago, and she was blatantly full of shit.

HALP!

Okay, so I didn't tell you guys about this because I didn't want to get ahead of myself and start going on and on about yet another thing that will never actually happen. The problem is, I really need this one to happen or I'm honestly going to fucking snap. I simply cannot continue to live in my dad's house. I've spent my entire life living with other people, and I just need my own fucking space! Like now!

So my mom and I have been looking for a trailer that I can put near my dad's house (because none of my other ideas about getting my own place are anywhere near feasible right now). I actually found one that, while kind of grungy and generally shitty, has everything I need to make it into what I want.

It has a "cathedral ceiling" (which sounds rather absurd in reference to a trailer, but whatever) which is perfect for me, so I can do all of my crazy workouts without crashing into the ceiling, and I could actually set up my stripper pole. It also come with a refrigerator, and a washer and dryer. And it's free!

Here's the problem though, we can't find anyone to haul the fucking thing for me. It's on a hill, at the top of a kind of pot-holey, gravelly, driveway and apparently that's more of a pain in the ass than professional trailer movers are willing to deal with. I mean I would totally understand if they wanted to charge us more for dealing with this, I'm totally fine with that, but we can't find anyone to do it at all.

So, if anyone out there knows of anyone who can, and has the necessary equipment to, move and set up a trailer and would be willing to help me out with this I would greatly appreciate it! Seriously, the fate of my sanity rests on your shoulders!

 

Sacrifice

A couple of days ago, my dad and I watched the Angel episode "Sacrifice." At the end of the episode, my dad asked me why it had been called that and I pointed out that the bug demon told Wesley that love was sacrifice. This led to a long and rather frustrating debate about what that actually meant, whether it was true, whether love was really a good thing assuming it was true, and eventually the definition of sacrifice. Well, in case anyone cares, here is my thought on the whole thing. Yes. Love is sacrifice, absolutely. Here's the thing though; so is everything else. Everything in life is about sacrifice. Everything. We are constantly, like every moment of every day, giving up one thing (or many things) for the sake of something else. We sacrifice; money, attention, progress, success, and most importantly time. Every single second we spend doing one thing could be spent doing something else. The question is whether or not the sacrifice is worth it. At the end of the day, how many of our choices are we really satisfied with? How many times do we feel like we chose the right things to use up our time and energy on? That's where love comes in. The important thing about love is, at least in my opinion, that it makes the sacrifice seem worth it.

^Bug demon^ for those who haven't seen the show. 

The Middle-ground

You know what I think really fucks us over the most in our lives? The middle-ground. We are, or at least I am, always searching for that safe, comfortable space between one extreme and the other. The problem is, sometimes we just are extreme. We think that trying to have the best of both worlds will make things better, but really it just makes us crazy and frustrated.Trying to negotiate between the different aspects of ourselves, our lives, our wants and needs is nearly impossible. The most aggravating thing though is trying to negotiate our true selves with society. I don't know about the rest of you, but I am constantly trying to tone down certain parts of my self, exaggerate other parts, and completely fabricate more parts than I would like to admit. I'm starting to think that maybe, instead of always trying to make things work together, I should just pick a side and commit to it wholeheartedly. Basically what I'm getting at here is that I'm thinking of moving into a cave. Fuck society!

I did an image search for "middle-ground" and found this^. It just seems appropriate somehow. 

The Sandman

I've started reading Neil Gaiman's The Sandman series. It took me a while to get into it because I had heard good things about it, but didn't realize it was actually a comic series when I bought it. It took me a while to get used to the format, but now I'm really enjoying it. Anyway, a couple of interesting things. 1- the story is sort of split up into all of these small sections involving a bunch of different characters that everyone has heard of before. On Tuesday night, I got to a part about Cain and Abel. This was the same night as the Supernatural episode that dealt with the story Cain and Abel. I'm not sure what the Powers that Be were trying to tell me with that one, but I'm fairly certain I don't want to know. 2- There is this one part that I think really sums up an idea that I have been trying to explain to people for years. He says "Ask yourselves, all of you...What power would HELL have if those here imprisoned were NOT able to DREAM of HEAVEN?" Of course, he was actually being literal when he said it, but my point was that it's the idea of what our lives could be, or could have been, that makes what they are seem so shitty. If we all knew this is just what life is, this is how it always is and how it always will be, we could probably deal with it. It's thinking that it could be better if you knew how to make it better, or that you missed your opportunity to make it better, that ruins everything. This has been......Your Depressing Thought for the Day!

It really is a great story though. 

What Exactly Did I Do to You Anyway?

Sorry there was no post yesterday, I was busy trying not to spontaneously combust. Seriously, is it just me or do other people feel like the more you think you just can't deal with one more single thing, the more the Powers that Be dump piles of shit on you? I mean, I have gotten to the point where all I can really do is try to zone out and pretend like my life isn't really happening. So, naturally, more and more and more things keep happening that I can't ignore without terrible consequences. You know how I've bitched about all the mud and ice around the pig barn? Well, the whole fucking field is like that too and Riley Pig has a really hard time walking on it. That doesn't stop him from stomping around and knocking Tuni out of her food bowl though. Well, shockingly, a few days ago he was knocking her around and slipped on the ice and fucked his foot all up. My dad and I gave him some antibiotics and put some ointment on it and hoped that he would be careful with it and let it heal. He didn't. He just kept stomping around on it and making it worse. So Yesterday we had to put up a wall and lock him in the barn. Now not only is his foot fucking awful looking, but I get to try to go in and feed him while he is roaring and charging back and forth and trying to slam me against the wall, plus I really don't know what to do if it doesn't get better soon. It's not like I can just put him in the car and take his ass to the vet. Fuck everything.