Pheromones

I've been thinking about pheromones the last few days. 

Maybe.......Maybe Not

I am, once again, considering trying to finish my psychology degree. 

Sleep Exercising...? (Video)

Apparently I was working out in my sleep.........which is super fucking weird.

Crazy Like a Kitsune (Video)

Kitsune means fox in Japanese. Also, a mythological creature once played by Jewel Staite (aka Kaylee, from Firefly) on Supernatural. 

Shakespeare and Psychology (Video)

Some thought inspired by Romeo and Juliet. 

Creature of Habit (Video)

A short video that was mostly just an excuse to ask you all a question.

Pretty Twisted

I don't even remember how this came about, but a few days ago my mom and I were talking about nightmares. I said that most of the dreams that I actually remember (which is a pretty small number) are what most people would probably consider nightmares. Usually I seem to dream about awful things happening. Yet, I don't mind them the way I imagine most people do. The truth is, my real life is so fucking boring that I would rather be chased by a serial killer or something than wake up and do fucking dishes, and laundry, and whatever other meaningless bullshit I have planned for that day. This is not a healthy attitude. Oh well, at least I still have a few Deadpool comics left to read, and they released the trailer for Supernatural season 11. As long as I can immerse myself in enough fiction, I can usually (usually) tune out real-life enough to get through the day.

Ⓥ Abusive Relationship

Someone in one of the vegan groups I follow on Facebook posted a video, a while back, that really got me thinking about body image in our culture. I know I've talked about this before ( a few times, I think) but, hopefully, this is a slightly different perspective on it. I shared the video at the bottom of the page; you should definitely check it out, if you have a chance. 

The basic idea of the video was that there are all of these video bloggers who are promoting unhealthy ideas about body image, and telling girls how to lose weight in unhealthy ways. They condone everything from extreme calorie restriction to diet pills, and pretend that these things are totally acceptable. The video also points out that many of the followers of these blogs are very young and these women are helping them to develop destructive habits very early in life that are likely to cause serious health problems later on. 

I have heard this argument many times before, that our culture puts too much pressure on women, and especially young girls, to be skinny and that it creates a whole society of women who hate their bodies. This video had a slightly different take on it though. Instead of just telling us to love our bodies as they are, he recommends a different set of bloggers who offered advice on healthy ways to take care of your body. These people tell us to eat better food, not less food, and advise their followers to keep their bodies healthy, not skinny. 

I think this is something that needs to be discussed more often. It seems like our culture has two setting, when it comes to body image. There is the group that tells you that you need to be skinny, and there is the side that tells you to "love your body". Well, I agree wholeheartedly that we should love our bodies, but I feel like that means something else to me than it does to most people. It seems like a lot of people who claim to "love" their bodies, don't really do a whole lot to take care of them. 

To me, claiming to love your body while depriving it of the things it needs, like healthy food and exercise, sounds an awful lot like an abusive relationship. Saying "I love you" while abusing or neglecting the one you claim to love is not really love. If we truly want to love our bodies, we should absolutely stop starving them and hating them for not looking the way we want them to, but we should also do what is necessary to keep them healthy, like giving them proper nutrients and exercise and not filling them up with foods full of chemicals, grease, sugars, cholesterol, and other nasty things. 

Another thing to consider when talking about loving your body is the fact that our bodies aren't these separate things that we can observe from a distance. Our bodies are us. Whether you believe there is more to us than our physical bodies or not, I think we can all agree that, at least for the duration of our lifetime, we are inextricably tied to our bodies. So loving your body, also involves loving yourself as a whole. To me, this means being the kind of person who I can love; doing what I know is right. 

As far as I'm concerned, giving my body what it needs to be healthy and giving myself what I need to feel good about the person I am (mostly) come down to the same thing, veganism. Animal based foods are bad for our bodies, our minds, and our souls. They contribute to (if not outright cause) a multitude of illnesses, force us to ignore the basic facts about these products to justify continuing to eat them, and cause a sense of guilt and shame that we may not acknowledge but is there just the same. 

So, please check out the video and think about your own feelings about your body. You can decide for yourself what it truly means to "love your body" but try to remember how you express love in any other situation. Then ask yourself if the relationship you have with your body is really one of love or of abuse. 

Ⓥ The Price of Success

Most people probably don't pay much attention to this, because it just doesn't seem particularly relevant to them, but vegans tend to keep a pretty close eye on the companies they support. We like to buy from companies we can believe in. When you do start to pay attention, you notice that formerly animal-friendly companies are constantly making decision that go against everything that they supposedly stood for.

Recently, there was a slew of non-animal testing cosmetic companies that decided to begin testing on animals so that they could sell their products in China, where animal testing is still required by law. You would think that selling in every other country in the world would be good enough, but these companies decided that missing out on the profits from that one country was so unacceptable that they would rather sell out not only the animals but also all of their loyal customers who care about animals.

Then, of course, there are all the vegan food companies that get bought out by larger companies that also sell animal products. I suppose this isn't quite as bad, because those particular products are still vegan, but it just feels so much more ethical to buy from a company that is completely committed to protecting animals than to a vegan sub-section of an abusive conglomerate. Not to mention the fact that if these people were to hold onto their businesses and slowly expand them, they might eventually be able to put the corporations built on animal products out of business.

The problem is that, for the most part, the second a company starts to make money they inevitably decide that they need to make more. And most of them are willing to toss their morals out the window to do so. It's just so strange to me that it's so easy for people with very little money to put their beliefs and values first, but those who experience some level of success forget what was once so important to them.

Why is it easier for people to stick to their beliefs when they have fewer resources than it is when they have more? You would think that it would be easier to commit to a cause, knowing that you have more to offer and less to worry about. If you knew that you had plenty of money to get by, wouldn't you think that would make you more inclined to use the excess to do some good? This doesn't seem to be the case though.

I would understand if we were talking about different sets of people here, people with more money vs. people with less money. Maybe people who have successful companies have a certain level of selfishness that prevents them from committing to a cause? But that's not the case. These are the same people who started out trying to do the right thing and then later decided that the right thing wasn't so important anymore. My question is, how, and why, does this happen? Why is it that success make people forget everything they once cared about?

I ordered this online and was really excited when I got it, and saw the packaging. This ^ is on the front, and on the back it says "Teach peace. Be nice to mice!" I thought "Any company that prints that on their products has to be completely ethical, right?" Well, I looked them up, and it turns out they also make glue traps (for bugs, not mice, but still.).

Ⓥ Mother of All

You know the old saying "Necessity is the mother of invention"? Well, it seems to me that necessity is the mother of......well everything. Necessity is the mother of strength, of patience, of evolution, of adaptation, of education, of everything. Humans, for the most part, are lazy. We do most things when, and only when, we absolutely have to. However, necessity is also a relative term. We can decide what is, or is not necessary. There is a switch in each of our minds that controls which things we see as necessary. We can think about it logically and decide for ourselves what those things are. When we stop thinking about something as optional, we suddenly find that we have access to all of the things that necessity creates.

When we find ourselves in difficult situations, we also find ourselves doing things that we never knew we could. We become better, stronger, smarter, more creative people when we have to. There have been many times in my life when I have done things that I didn't previously think I could. Some of these things you just do, and others you have to work your way up to but, one way or another, being placed in a situation which asks more of you than you thought you were able to give allows you to find parts of yourself you didn't know were there. You find a way to do what needs to be done, whether through brute strength, sheer force of will, creative thinking, or whatever, and you do this simply because you must; because it's necessary.

Why though, do we have to save the best parts of ourselves for times when we absolutely have to use them? The truth is, we don't. We can all choose what is most important to us, and live as if those important things are matters of life and death (and sometimes they really are). We can force ourselves to be our best by simply deciding that we have no other option.

When you talk about animal rights and veganism with the average person, you get lots of responses like "I could never do that!" or "I could never live with (insert random animal product here)." The truth is, yes you can! We all can. It can be difficult, especially at first, but we are strong. We are so much stronger than we realize, and the only thing we have to do to bring out that strength is to decide that we have to. I think that's the real difference between vegans and other people. It's not the we're stronger, or that we don't like those foods as much as other people do, most of the time it's not even that we care more. It's just that we decided that veganism is necessary. Once you've done that, the rest is easy.

Basically, necessity = Eve (from Supernatural).

Ⓥ Moral Absolutes

I have found that I seem to have a very different view of morality than most people. Many things that others find to be completely unethical, I don't really think are all that important. I seem to be much slower to judge people for "bad" things that they have done than other people are.

The truth is, I think that the world exists almost entirely in shades of gray. Everything we do, we do for our own reasons which other people will never truly be able to understand. So to judge the actions of another person objectively is nearly impossible; we can never know what led a person to make a particular decision, or what goal they had in mind when they did it. For that matter, judging our own actions objectively is nearly impossible; we never know what implications our actions might have on those around us, or whether we even made a certain decision for the reason we thought we did.

That being said, I do believe that there are a few (though only one that I am absolutely certain of) moral absolutes in this world. I do believe that a few things are truly wrong, no matter the circumstances. I have some ideas about what these things are but, as I said, there is only one that I know for sure. The one moral absolute that I believe in wholeheartedly is this- To cause the unnecessary death or suffering of an innocent being is always wrong. I do not feel that this is something that can be debated. I do not believe that there is any argument that can be made against that statement.

Are there times when killing can be justified? Yes. Are there times when torture can be justified? Perhaps. Are there times when killing the innocent can be justified? In rare situations, when it is crucial for the greater good, probably. Are there times when harming the innocent, when there is no need for it, can be justified. No. It's that simple.

So this is why I'm so deeply dedicated to veganism even though, in many cases, I may seem to have less concern for what is or is not ethical than the average person. I feel like our society, as a whole, spends far too much time judging, and punishing, and berating people for doing things that really aren't that bad. All the while, we completely overlook the truly unforgivable things that are happening everyday.  

I still don't actually believe in good and evil though.

Not What You Think

I've mentioned before how I have this desire to understand what makes people act the way they do. I like to understand people. I feel like, in a lot of ways, this makes them easier to deal with. If you know why people are the way they are, and what they are thinking and feeling that causes them to behave a certain way, it makes it easier to accept the things they do without getting angry at them.

There is another side to this though that is a bit less helpful. When you understand what makes people act the way they do, you also tend to understand what you really are to those people. I feel like other people have a certain level of blissful ignorance when it comes to what others really feel about them. That's not the case for me. I know who I am to the people around me. I know what makes me valuable (or not valuable) to them.

I think people in general have this tendency to pick out certain aspects of a person and let those things represent the whole person. That's not really how people are though. We are complex creatures and can not be defined by just a few characteristics. I'm not going to get specific here, because I don't want to create any unnecessary conflict, but I think that nearly everyone I know (or ever have know) sees me as something very specific. They see me as whatever role it is that I play in their lives, or whatever trait seems most salient to them, or (sometimes) as a symbol of something that they think I represent.

I mean, I understand why this happens. We try to make sense of the things around us, even people, and I think I probably make even less sense than the average person. Because of this, the people around me just pick and choose what they want to see in me. To them, I am whatever they want me to be, and I usually play along.

Whenever I think about this topic (which is probably more often than it's healthy to think about such things) I generally find myself humming this song.

Ⓥ Discrepancy

I think socializing is more of a challenge for me than it is for most people. I assume this is mostly due to the fact that there are two distinct sides to my personality that often seem to conflict with one another. Because veganism and animal rights are the most important things to me, I'm always trying to connect with other vegans. I just feel like I can't be totally comfortable with non-vegans. It seems like having a shared belief system should automatically gives us a deeper connection.

The problem with this is that, to some extent, some of the stereotypes about vegans tend to hold true. Vegans in general do tend to be rather emotionally sensitive, peaceful, and loving people. This makes perfect sense; obviously those who are more empathetic would be more likely to care about the lives of others, both human and non-human. The thing is though, I'm not like that. I'm not a particularly sensitive person. In fact, I sort of pride myself on being completely unsentimental and unflappable. This makes it very hard for me to communicate with people who I should, logically, have every reason to get along with perfectly.

On the other hand, the people who I have a somewhat easier time talking to are often those who I ultimately have nothing in common with, other than a basic communication style. I like talking to people with dark or twisted senses of humor and a fondness for sarcasm. Unfortunately for me, it seems that there are very few vegans who fit this description.

It's also a problem for me to find other vegans who share any of my interests outside of animal rights. I have a propensity for things that are exciting, dangerous, violent (martial arts and the like), painful, etc. Most vegans don't seem to be interested in those sorts of things. I can totally understand that, it does appear to be a bit of a contradiction. However, I don't see why it has to be. Why do people have to be emotionally sensitive to see the inherent injustice of the way animals are treated in our society? Is there some rule that says that you can't be "tough" and still compassionate? I don't think so. I mean, when you think about it, what's more tough than protecting the innocent? Isn't that pretty much the strongest thing one can do?

It seems to me that even those who are totally okay with other types of violence should still be bothered by violence toward those who have done absolutely nothing to deserve it. Even those who have little tolerance for overly emotional people should have sympathy for the pain of those who are genuinely suffering. I guess I just don't understand why there aren't more angry, sarcastic, thrill-seeking vegans out there.  

Sacrifice

A couple of days ago, my dad and I watched the Angel episode "Sacrifice." At the end of the episode, my dad asked me why it had been called that and I pointed out that the bug demon told Wesley that love was sacrifice. This led to a long and rather frustrating debate about what that actually meant, whether it was true, whether love was really a good thing assuming it was true, and eventually the definition of sacrifice. Well, in case anyone cares, here is my thought on the whole thing. Yes. Love is sacrifice, absolutely. Here's the thing though; so is everything else. Everything in life is about sacrifice. Everything. We are constantly, like every moment of every day, giving up one thing (or many things) for the sake of something else. We sacrifice; money, attention, progress, success, and most importantly time. Every single second we spend doing one thing could be spent doing something else. The question is whether or not the sacrifice is worth it. At the end of the day, how many of our choices are we really satisfied with? How many times do we feel like we chose the right things to use up our time and energy on? That's where love comes in. The important thing about love is, at least in my opinion, that it makes the sacrifice seem worth it.

^Bug demon^ for those who haven't seen the show. 

Wow! Thanks, Subconscious!

You know how, when you're asleep, sometimes your subconscious will sort of work the things that are happening in the real world into your dreams? Well, here's a good one for you.

I like to sleep with my window slightly open. Usually it's totally fine because the way my window is positioned keeps any rain, or snow, or whatever from coming in. Well apparently last night it was both rainy AND windy, so the rain started blowing in through the window and hitting me in the face while I was sleeping. Would you like to know what my subconscious mind came up with as an explanation for all the little drops of moisture hitting my face? In my dream I (and several other people, though I can't remember who they were) were standing in this dungeon type room. It was basically a huge box made of bricks. I can't remember what the room was supposed to be, or why we were there. What I do remember is that the walls and ceiling suddenly started leaking. That's not so bad, you say. But oh, I'm not done yet. It wasn't water, it was blood. There were little drops of blood dripping out from between the bricks. So yeah, I got rained on in my sleep and my brain decided that the best things it could do with that was to put me in a dungeon and have the walls bleed on me. I'm sure that's totally normal and definitely not a sign of any sort of mental illness or anything.

Self-Awareness

One of these days, I really am going to get my shit together and post everyday. Anyway.

I really hate myself sometimes for being as unhappy as I am. I feel like, to an outside observer, my life really doesn't seem all that bad. So what right do I have to feel the way I do about it? Furthermore, I pretty much always hate myself for how incredibly angry I get over the most mundane annoyances. I mean, one tiny thing goes wrong and I'm utterly furious for most of the day. I think I finally figured out though, why it is that I am the way I am. It's not like knowing why is actually going to change anything, but at least I understand now. So here's my theory; I think there are a few basic things that people need to have, or feel that they have, in order to function in an even remotely healthy way.

1- Purpose- People need to have concrete goals to work toward. They need to know where they want to be and what steps they should take in order to get there.
2- Fulfillment- People need to feel that the things they do matter. Their lives need to have value for them.
3- Connection- People need other people. Whether romantic or platonic, people need to feel deep connections with others. They need to feel understood, accepted, and appreciated.
4- Space- People need to have a safe place. They need to have a place to go that feels like their own, a place to get away from the rest of the world and feel at home.
5- Control- People need to feel like they have some small measure of control over what happens to them. They need to feel like they have the ability to shape their own futures, like their choices matter.

The problem is, I don't feel like I have any of these things.

1- I don't know what the fuck my purpose is.
2- I know, for a fact, that nothing I'm doing right now matters in the least.
3- Basically, the only people I even associate with are my immediate family and, half the time, they don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about.
4- I can't even remember when the last time was that I felt "at home" in the place I was living.
5- No matter how hard I try, every choice I make somehow gets me farther and farther from where I want to be.

The point here is this, I have GOT to get some of this shit figured out or I am going to end up spending the rest of my life as a giant fuming ball of rage. I don't have any of the big things that people need in life, so I put far too much importance on the little things. So then, one little thing gets fucked up and my world falls apart. I am basically holding my psyche together with duct tape.

To make up for the fact that this post is so depressing and whiny, here is a picture of Impala being all adorable.

The Middle-ground

You know what I think really fucks us over the most in our lives? The middle-ground. We are, or at least I am, always searching for that safe, comfortable space between one extreme and the other. The problem is, sometimes we just are extreme. We think that trying to have the best of both worlds will make things better, but really it just makes us crazy and frustrated.Trying to negotiate between the different aspects of ourselves, our lives, our wants and needs is nearly impossible. The most aggravating thing though is trying to negotiate our true selves with society. I don't know about the rest of you, but I am constantly trying to tone down certain parts of my self, exaggerate other parts, and completely fabricate more parts than I would like to admit. I'm starting to think that maybe, instead of always trying to make things work together, I should just pick a side and commit to it wholeheartedly. Basically what I'm getting at here is that I'm thinking of moving into a cave. Fuck society!

I did an image search for "middle-ground" and found this^. It just seems appropriate somehow. 

The Sandman

I've started reading Neil Gaiman's The Sandman series. It took me a while to get into it because I had heard good things about it, but didn't realize it was actually a comic series when I bought it. It took me a while to get used to the format, but now I'm really enjoying it. Anyway, a couple of interesting things. 1- the story is sort of split up into all of these small sections involving a bunch of different characters that everyone has heard of before. On Tuesday night, I got to a part about Cain and Abel. This was the same night as the Supernatural episode that dealt with the story Cain and Abel. I'm not sure what the Powers that Be were trying to tell me with that one, but I'm fairly certain I don't want to know. 2- There is this one part that I think really sums up an idea that I have been trying to explain to people for years. He says "Ask yourselves, all of you...What power would HELL have if those here imprisoned were NOT able to DREAM of HEAVEN?" Of course, he was actually being literal when he said it, but my point was that it's the idea of what our lives could be, or could have been, that makes what they are seem so shitty. If we all knew this is just what life is, this is how it always is and how it always will be, we could probably deal with it. It's thinking that it could be better if you knew how to make it better, or that you missed your opportunity to make it better, that ruins everything. This has been......Your Depressing Thought for the Day!

It really is a great story though. 

You May Be Right. I May Be Crazy.

In fact, I'm quite certain of it.

You know how yesterday I said that, when I know I don't have to do anything, I come up with all these crazy ideas? and how I have mentioned before that when I get too much sleep I get all spastic? Well, when you combine the two you get a fairly dangerous combination of insane creativity and unmanageable energy. Which is what happened yesterday, and again today. I did manage to actually do some productive things yesterday, but I also did some kind of nutty things. For example, cut my hair. It's not so much that I cut my hair, it did need cut, it's how I did it. I recently bought one of those straight razors they sometimes use in salons, and I've used it the last several times I cut my hair. It works really well actually, but it's not something that one should necessarily use when she is in a strange, manic, obsessive state. The results were a decent looking, if messy, haircut and multiple cuts on my hands from all the aimless slashing. I also decided that I want to draw some of my own images for this blog (I give this idea about a week, due to the fact that I will eventually remember that I absolutely cannot draw). So yesterday I did several really poor drawings, and this morning I drew this weird little pole dancing blob creature.

She won't let her complete lack of a form stand in the way of her dream of being a stripper (apparently). 

Thinking

I feel like I spend the majority of my time trying desperately not to think too much about my life, or life in general. I distract myself with music, TV, Pinterest, etc. I think that's also part of the reason I feel better about things if I sleep less; I don't have the mental energy to think everything to death. It's not even thinking about the state of my life right now that bothers me so much, it's the unlikeliness of it ever changing as much as I want it to. So every once in a while, I'm scrolling through Pinterest, ignoring reality to the best of my ability, and I see something that reminds me of all the things I want in my life that I am probably never going to have. When this happens, I always feel vaguely betrayed like "Damn you Pinterest! You're supposed to be helping me forget about shit like this!" So yeah, Pinterest and I are not on the best terms right now. That's not to say that I won't still scroll through it for hours on end, but I will do so with a slight air of disdain.