I really hate myself sometimes for being as unhappy as I am. I feel like, to an outside observer, my life really doesn't seem all that bad. So what right do I have to feel the way I do about it? Furthermore, I pretty much always hate myself for how incredibly angry I get over the most mundane annoyances. I mean, one tiny thing goes wrong and I'm utterly furious for most of the day. I think I finally figured out though, why it is that I am the way I am. It's not like knowing why is actually going to change anything, but at least I understand now. So here's my theory; I think there are a few basic things that people need to have, or feel that they have, in order to function in an even remotely healthy way.
1- Purpose- People need to have concrete goals to work toward. They need to know where they want to be and what steps they should take in order to get there.
2- Fulfillment- People need to feel that the things they do matter. Their lives need to have value for them.
3- Connection- People need other people. Whether romantic or platonic, people need to feel deep connections with others. They need to feel understood, accepted, and appreciated.
4- Space- People need to have a safe place. They need to have a place to go that feels like their own, a place to get away from the rest of the world and feel at home.
5- Control- People need to feel like they have some small measure of control over what happens to them. They need to feel like they have the ability to shape their own futures, like their choices matter.
The problem is, I don't feel like I have any of these things.
1- I don't know what the fuck my purpose is.
2- I know, for a fact, that nothing I'm doing right now matters in the least.
3- Basically, the only people I even associate with are my immediate family and, half the time, they don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about.
4- I can't even remember when the last time was that I felt "at home" in the place I was living.
5- No matter how hard I try, every choice I make somehow gets me farther and farther from where I want to be.
The point here is this, I have GOT to get some of this shit figured out or I am going to end up spending the rest of my life as a giant fuming ball of rage. I don't have any of the big things that people need in life, so I put far too much importance on the little things. So then, one little thing gets fucked up and my world falls apart. I am basically holding my psyche together with duct tape.
To make up for the fact that this post is so depressing and whiny, here is a picture of Impala being all adorable.
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