Self-Awareness

One of these days, I really am going to get my shit together and post everyday. Anyway.

I really hate myself sometimes for being as unhappy as I am. I feel like, to an outside observer, my life really doesn't seem all that bad. So what right do I have to feel the way I do about it? Furthermore, I pretty much always hate myself for how incredibly angry I get over the most mundane annoyances. I mean, one tiny thing goes wrong and I'm utterly furious for most of the day. I think I finally figured out though, why it is that I am the way I am. It's not like knowing why is actually going to change anything, but at least I understand now. So here's my theory; I think there are a few basic things that people need to have, or feel that they have, in order to function in an even remotely healthy way.

1- Purpose- People need to have concrete goals to work toward. They need to know where they want to be and what steps they should take in order to get there.
2- Fulfillment- People need to feel that the things they do matter. Their lives need to have value for them.
3- Connection- People need other people. Whether romantic or platonic, people need to feel deep connections with others. They need to feel understood, accepted, and appreciated.
4- Space- People need to have a safe place. They need to have a place to go that feels like their own, a place to get away from the rest of the world and feel at home.
5- Control- People need to feel like they have some small measure of control over what happens to them. They need to feel like they have the ability to shape their own futures, like their choices matter.

The problem is, I don't feel like I have any of these things.

1- I don't know what the fuck my purpose is.
2- I know, for a fact, that nothing I'm doing right now matters in the least.
3- Basically, the only people I even associate with are my immediate family and, half the time, they don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about.
4- I can't even remember when the last time was that I felt "at home" in the place I was living.
5- No matter how hard I try, every choice I make somehow gets me farther and farther from where I want to be.

The point here is this, I have GOT to get some of this shit figured out or I am going to end up spending the rest of my life as a giant fuming ball of rage. I don't have any of the big things that people need in life, so I put far too much importance on the little things. So then, one little thing gets fucked up and my world falls apart. I am basically holding my psyche together with duct tape.

To make up for the fact that this post is so depressing and whiny, here is a picture of Impala being all adorable.

It Looks Like the Powers Have a Sense of Humor

So, yesterday, I broke out the old Tarot cards for the first time in over a year. I decided to be really serious about it this time (don't you laugh at me), so I went outside and sat under my favorite tree and really focused on being open to any suggestions the Divine Powers might have for me. By the way, I have taken to referring to them as the "Divine Powers" when I'm being sincere and the "Powers that Be" when I'm being sarcastic. Anyway, I ended up with a layout that, while still not especially helpful, did seem somehow intentional and more than a little snooty.

The first position in the layout is called "what covers you" and it is supposedly the issue you're facing. My card was the king of wands. I started reading about him and realized that he was basically....well....me. Last time I tried to do my cards, I was trying to choose a card to represent me, which is something you are supposed to do before you start your reading. I finally just gave up on that because none of the queens really seemed that much like me. So the Divine Powers were like "You see, here's your problem. You're basically a guy." The next position is "what crosses you" which is either an obstacle or a benefit, depending on the context. My card was the ace of pentacles, which is all about money. I think that one is pretty self-explanatory. The next card "crowns you" and is all about the way you think about your situation. My card was the king of swords and his whole deal is about making people follow the rules. So, to me, this refers to my distaste for rules and my desire to live outside of conventional society. The next card is "at your feet" and indicates everything I have done that has led me to my current situation. It was the queen of swords who is all about following the rules. I interpreted this as meaning that I have been letting other people influence me and my decisions for too long. Next is the "near future". I got the knight of swords. He is this charismatic, dare-devil type. The way I saw it, this could either be someone who will come into my life, or someone I could become. Either way, I'll take it. Then came the "near past" which was the page of swords. This one talked about a kid with a dysfunctional family life who never felt that he/she had a real home. Seemed fairly accurate. Next is the "most important aspect". I got the ten of swords which is about pain and despair. I found that one pretty self-explanatory as well. Her comes the kind of funny part. The next position is called the "world to you". Guess which card I got? The world. I kind of feel like someone was getting sick of giving me insight and was just like "You want me to tell you what the world to you is? Really? It's the fucking world!" After that was "hope and fear". My card was the hermit, which was also funny because it was actually both my hope and my fear depending on whether I looked at it literally or symbolically. Literally, yeah I'm pretty fucking terrified that I will end up being a hermit for the rest of my life. But when you read the description of the card it actually represents the light at the end of the tunnel. The last card is the "out-come" and is supposed to be the answer to the question at hand. Mine was the ace of wands, which talks of new beginnings, fresh starts, and positive changes. I'll fucking take it!

By the way, yes I do realize that I obviously didn't shuffle well enough. Hence the king, queen, knight, page and ten of swords all in a row. That doesn't make them any less accurate though. So there.

These are my cards. Aren't they pretty? 

What More Can a Girl Ask for?

As I've said about a million times (sorry about that, by the way.) what I really want out of a job is purpose. I want to be able to say that my job means something. However, considering the fact that it may be entirely delusional to think that I could find such a job, I've given a lot of thought to what kinds if things I'm looking for in a regular, just for the money, job. I've come up with;
1-I want something physical to do. I can't handle just sitting around all day.
2-I want to be able to take time off if I want it.
3- I want to be able to work evenings so that I don't have to get up at 3am just to get ready.
4- I don't want to have to have a separate wardrobe to wear to work.
5- I want to stay busy.
6- I want to have enough free-time to do the things I actually care about.
7- I want to do something I'm good at.
8- I want to be able to feel, at least, okay about what I do.
9- I don't want to have to deal with animal products.
10- I want to be able to make enough money to get by.

Then I realize that, except for that last one. I pretty much have all of that at Goodwill. And then I think ......

I Try to Be My Fucking Best, Okay?

I think I am going to try going back to writing in the mornings for a while. You see, Goodwill completely drains me of any and all inspiration, enthusiasm, and energy that I might have had. So, by the time I get home, I am in no state to come up with anything intelligent or entertaining to say.

Annnnnnnyway, you know how I said I've been doing the whole (stupid, frustrating, infuriating, futile) online dating thing? Well, I talked back and forth a couple of times with this one guy. He seemed a little better than some of the others. He was talking about how exciting his life had been; he'd been to this place, and that place, and done all of these things. When I wrote back I was actually trying to be sort of flirty, but I obviously failed. I said something to the effect of "It sounds like you've had a pretty exciting life. I don't feel like I've had nearly enough excitement in my life." He wrote me back this absurdly long message with all of this cliched bullshit about how the important thing is to just be yourself, and just let things happen the way they are going to, and don't have too many ideas about what your life is supposed to be, and just being a good person is enough. I swear, I've heard this same fucking speech from about thirty different people. Every time I say anything about my life being boring and devoid of meaning, this is what I get. And I'm sorry people, but it is complete and utter bullshit. Life is not about just letting whatever happens happen, and being a good person is not enough. It's about doing things, making things happen, trying to be the best that we can. If we're not going to change anything or accomplish anything then what's the fucking point?

Ripped Apart

I feel as if I am constantly trying to rip myself apart. Every aspect of my being is eternally pulling, shoving, fighting, against all of the others. How can these different facets all exist within the same person, especially when they hate each other so? I have the mind of an artist; striving for creation, for expression. I have the soul of a monk; longing for fulfillment, for meaning. And I have the heart of a warrior, searching for challenge, for victory. These people, these archetypal concepts, that dwell within my consciousness are in a never-ending battle for dominance, for control over my life, my choices. My mind tries to create things of beauty, but my soul asks "what worth is there in beauty?" and my heart bellows "where is the adrenaline rush?" My soul dreams of building a better world, but my mind  cries "I will wither away!" and my heart demands "I must have an enemy to conquer!" My heart tries to make me strong and fearless, but my mind asks "what will that leave behind when you are gone?" and my soul asks "what impact will that make on the world?" I don't know how to please them all and I fear that to satisfy one is to sentence the others to death.

I realized today that it had been quite a long time since I posted any disturbing poetry. This one is a work in progress. 

That Has to Count for Something, Right?

What does it mean to be really good at something that you see little to no value in? It seems that I am actually quite good at my job. Sometimes I even feel good about the fact that I'm good at it, then I remember that it's basically meaningless and I just feel like a fool for forgetting that in the first place. At least once a week I have a customer tell me how nice, or friendly, or helpful I am. The other night one of the managers told me that I am one of the only cashiers whose judgement she trusts. Today I heard that I helped the store to get a nearly perfect score form a "secret shopper" because I did such a good job of helping her when she came in. Also, I have had tons of customers, some who I didn't even recognize, tell me how happy they are that I'm back. Sometimes I think all of that has to count for something, but then other times I think "Are you serious? You're a fucking cashier! Nothing you do counts for anything."

I suppose it could be worse. At least I don't work at the Doublemeat Palace. 

Yesterday Was Tuesday Right? But Today Is Tuesday too.

Cliche as it sounds, we really do have the opportunity to change the way we live every day. Each morning when we wake up we can choose to start over and be a different person, or at least change some of our habits. But did you ever notice that, possible though it may be, it never actually seems to work out that way? For me at least, everything makes sense when I go to bed at night. Okay, not everything, in fact almost nothing makes sense, but a few things seem to make sense when I go to bed at night. I always go to sleep thinking "Tomorrow is a new day. I will do things differently." Then I wake up and do everything exactly the same way I did the day before. I wake up and try to remind myself why I thought it was so important to change things and just can't seem to remember. But later, after it's already too late and I have made all the same mistakes all over again, then I remember. By the end of the day I'm telling myself "That's okay. I'll do it differently tomorrow." But I don't. Lately I just keep trying to get myself to actually get out of bed when my clock goes off, but I never do.

Maybe I'll start setting my alarm clock to play Heat of the Moment, to scare myself into getting up. 

More Poetry

We are all connected. We affect each other in ways that we cannot even imagine, and we shouldn't try to imagine or we become paralyzed by the endless stream of possibilities. We change and are changed in innumerable ways everyday without even noticing it. We will never know the true implications of our actions. We can never foresee which huge or minuscule act will forever change the world in which we live. I live my life under the assumption that everything I do creates a tiny ripple which grows smaller and smaller even as it stretches out in all directions, reaching toward infinity. Maybe someday, if I create enough of these ultimately microscopic disturbances in the fabric of our reality, they will join together and form a tidal wave which will wash over us all and leave behind a new high water mark on the walls of our world. Or maybe they will just fade into oblivion and nothing I do will be remembered any longer than the time it takes for me to do it. I try to walk through my life scattering  thoughts like spores to the wind, in the hope that they will land in the minds of those around me and grow into brand new worldviews. I stand on sidewalks and smile as I hand people bricks and as they walk away I cross my fingers that they will use them to build temples instead of dungeons. The human voice is so small, but we live in a time of truly remarkable acoustics. One little voice has the opportunity to reverberate all the way around the world in a matter of minutes, seconds but we never know quite what it will sound like when it gets to the other side. I find myself afraid to open my mouth for fear that the sound that comes out will be misunderstood. What if I hit the wrong note and cause an avalanche that buries the very thing I was trying to protect?

I'm thinking I might just use this picture for all of my poems because; 1-Then I won't have to specify that they are poems. 2-It will save me the hassle of searching for poetry related pictures and 3- It makes me happy :)   

More or Less a Child?

A great deal of the time I feel like I am very childish. I feel like I have no idea how to live in the real world. I think the majority of my goals are completely unrealistic, and I simply don't know how to function as an adult. Then there are other times when I think it's the rest of society that is childish. When you really think about it, what is childhood all about? Sure, it's about fantasy and imagination and and a general disregard for societal functions (all of which I have managed to maintain in abundance) but it's also about a focus on yourself; your own interests, your own needs, and many times your own little imagined world. How different is that really from the way most people live their lives? Is there really any difference between a child who believes there is nothing in the world more important than his toys and an adult who does nothing with his life but earn money to buy expensive cars and designer clothes? Is it more childish to have unrealistic goals for the impact your life will have, or to just decide to live only for yourself and your own tiny chunk of the world? Is it really an indication of immaturity that I am unable to accept the inevitability of mediocrity? I guess probably it is, if only by our society's standards.

A New Companion and an Old ......Me

So the new Doctor Who was finally on last night, yay! It was a really good episode. In fact, there was only one thing I didn't like about it and that really wasn't the show's fault. The thing I didn't like was that it made me realize that I am getting old. I think I am officially too old to be the Doctor's companion now. Last night they told us that Clara, the Doctor's new companion, is twenty-four. I'm pretty sure Rose was nineteen when he met up with her. I'm thinking Amy was twenty-one or twenty-two. I don't know that they ever said how old Martha or Donna were, but I'm guessing neither of them were twenty-six either. That's as far back as I've seen, but I think the previous Doctor's have all had young companions as well. Anyway, I guess I can stop waiting for the Doctor to show up and take me away to see all of time and space. Damn it.

"Somehow I'm Leading Someone Else's Life"

"I cut a star down with my knife. And right now, I still see the way the moon plays this tune though our lights died." Someone Else's Life by Joshua Radin

I don't know, maybe everyone feels this way, but I constantly have this feeling that I'm supposed to be somewhere else, doing something else. (By the way, I'm really on my game today, so you guys are getting a song quote AND a reference to Supernatural. Don't you feel lucky?) Anyway, there's this one episode where the angels stick Sam and Dean in this alternate life where they are just regular guys working in an office building and they don't remember who they really are. There is one scene where Sam is talking about how he feels like he belongs somewhere else, how he feels like he is destined for something different. That's how I feel. I mean, as I've mentioned multiple times, I'm bored out of my fucking mind but it's more than that. It's like there's something more important I should be doing, I need to be doing. So, if there's some angel out there who stuck me in the wrong life as some kind of joke or something, you can put me back now okay? Please? I'm not cut out for this pathetic-ass, mundane shit.

I feel his pain. 

100th Post

This is my 100th post here. So I'm going to celebrate with (what else?) a list! In case you didn't notice, I don't actually know how to celebrate. Sorry. Anyway, here are 100 things I want to do in my life. Disclaimer- In order to get 100 things I had to include everything from the ridiculously mundane to the (almost) certainly unattainable. Also, some of these I've talked about before.

1. Get a job I actually like.
2. Get my own place.
3. Live off-the grid.
4. Get my degree.
5. Grow, at least most of, my own food.
6. Go sky-diving.
7. Have a successful relationship.
8. Write a book (that people actually read).
9. Act in an independent film.
10. Improve my social skills (a lot).
11. Speak at an animal rights conference.
12. Do something that would cause people to want me to speak at an animal rights conference.
13. Be able to run for miles without getting winded.
14. Have a group of vegan friends, that I actually know in real life.
15. Be less angry.
16. Take a martial arts class.
17. Go to Comic-Con
18. Take an exotic dance class.
19. Find a way to stop my hands from getting all bloody and gross every winter.
20. Eat a ghost pepper, and not be a pussy about it like all the videos I've seen.
21. Get a tattoo of my favorite quote from Bold Native.
22. Get a half sleeve tattoo.
23. Get several other tattoos that I have been thinking of.
24. Go to the UK.
25. Have a house with an open floor plan, so I don't have to kick things when I workout.
26. Have sexy pictures taken.
27. Get my stupid skin cleared up.
28. Sing in public.
29. Be brave enough to sing in public without having a heart attack.
30. Intern at Farm Sanctuary's Orland shelter.
31. Win a (physical) fight.
32. Start a vegan, off-the-grid community.
33. Liberate animals (Shhhh. Don't tell anybody that one.)
34. Be able to do pull-ups.
35. Get a better phone (mine is god awful).
36. Sew up my own wound. Yeah, I was actually serious about that.
37. Star using Twitter.
38. Go back to Acton.
39. Visit Portland.
40. Buy a good camera.
41. Use said camera to take my own pictures to post here, instead of always using ones form the internet.
42. Go to Burning Man.
43. Get married (MAYBE).
44. Make jewelry that people actually want to buy.
45. See something unbelievable. I don't know what, just something.
46. Feel good about my body.
47. Walk through the entire gorge in Watkins Glen.
48. Learn a foreign language.
49. Learn to play an instrument.
50. Come up with fifty more things for this list.
51. Turn my living space into a work of art.
52. Get a decent following for this blog. Not that I don't appreciate those of you who read it now. I DO!
53. Adopt a kid (MAYBE)
54. Feel sane enough that I could adopt a kid without being afraid for his/her sanity.
55. Swim in a waterfall.
56. Go rock climbing.
57. Do any of the art projects I have thought about doing over the years.
58. Go cliff-diving.
59. Be an inspiration to someone.
60. Go to Time Square on New Year's Eve, and don't freak out from all the people.
61. Go someplace that's supposedly haunted.
62. Start a video blog.
63. Buy a punching bag.
64. Learn how to do those crazy yoga poses I'm always seeing pictures of.
65. Do roller derby.
66. Learn to manage my time.
67. Learn to do Parkour.
68. Have a life that makes me wake up with a sense of enthusiasm.
69. Die knowing that my life meant something.
70. Learn to fix things, all sorts of things.
71. Learn how to have fun.
72. Be a better activist.
73. Buy an Ipod.
74. Lear to stand up for my beliefs, in a productive way.
75. Like real life better than fiction.
76. Stop feeling awkward all the time.
78. Swim in the ocean at night. I did that once, but I was too young to really enjoy it.
79. Learn to shoot a gun.
80. Start an animal sanctuary.
81. Find people I can count on the help run said sanctuary.
82. Find an exercise that will get my legs to look the way I want them to.
83. Jump through a window, you know like in the movies. This may very well result in the necessity of #36.
84. Learn to find meaning in the mundane aspects of life.
85. Go someplace where I have to get really dressed up.
86. Dance with someone. Maybe at the above place?
87. Learn to speak with various accents.
88. Earn respect.
89. Give people a reason to care about what I have to say.
90. Save a life.
91. Be well-known, even if only in some small, obscure circle.
92. Be less distracted.
93. Stop doing that weird nervous tick thing with my ear.
94. Gain better skills for dealing with the animals, so I don't yell at them.
95. Stop being embarrassed about things I did years ago.
96. Let go of past disappointment.
97. Discover the best balance between being nice and being bad-ass and then achieve that :)
98. Go to and/or have parties, and actually enjoy them.
99. Find true love (I know, super cheesy! Whatever, I'm out of good ideas).
100. Always do my best to be a good person.

                                               I hope you enjoyed my really fucking long list!

A Break from Slacktivism

I went leafleting yesterday for the first time in over a year. Jon Camp from Vegan Outreach was in town so I helped him out for a little while. I really should do it more often. I know how effective leafleting is. It's probably the best thing any of us can do to actually make a difference in our every day lives, but it stresses me out so much! I'm terrible at dealing with people and I get so pissed when people are assholes to me when I'm trying to do something good. Shockingly, things actually went really well yesterday though. Partly because it was the last day before spring break and there was basically no one on campus. Out of the like twenty people I gave pamphlets to though, I didn't meet one single asshole! Yay! A couple of people actually seemed interested too. One guy came back by after I gave him a pamphlet and said "If you keep giving those out, this whole campus is going to be vegan." Considering it was Fairmont WV I find that highly unlikely, but it still made me pretty happy.

This is from Bizarro Comics which are created by a very cool vegan artist. Check him out! 

I Wish

I wish I believed that someday I will have a life that will make all of this seem worth it.
I wish I believed that someday I will have a place that will make the wandering worth it.
I wish I believed that someday I will have a job that will make the searching worth it.
I wish I believed that someday I will have a love that will make the loneliness worth it.
I wish I believed that someday I will have a purpose that will make the emptiness worth it.

Unfortunately, I don't believe any of that. Chances are, things are going to be just like this for the rest of my life. As you can tell, I'm feeling real fucking upbeat today.

Qualifications: Volatile, Vegan, Fearless to the Point of Stupidity, Strong, High Pain Tolerance, Burning Desire to Do Things that May Result in Death, Hard Worker.

I haven't mentioned this before because I wasn't sure about it. I'm still not sure, but I have decided to mention it anyway because now I've realized that I need advice! I've been thinking about applying for a job as a police officer. I know it sounds ridiculous! The reason I'm considering it is because I am so fucking bored I think my head is going to explode! I NEED excitement in my life. I need a job that makes me feel alive. The problem is, I live in West Virginia and if I do get this job I will probably just end up arresting a bunch of drunk rednecks and still not doing anything exciting. Plus I don't particularly like authority figures, I hate uniforms, and it has recently come to my attention that I may or may not be able to eat at the Police Academy (since I'm vegan). So here's my question; what should I do with my life? I want a meaningful but exciting job, that doesn't require me to do things I don't believe in, and I can't for the life of me think of a single job that fits that description. HALP!

Other Dimensions

I will know that I have finally found the right path when the reality of my life becomes more important to me than the fiction I fill it with. I'm not just talking about spending hours watching Netflix either. I'm talking about spending every second of every day imagining what could be (or what could never possibly be, but would be really cool if it could). I haven't actually been living my life for years now (or maybe I never have, I can't really remember). I have been living the life I could have. Ever time I do anything, I imagine the possible outcomes and think of myself living in this potential world. Sometimes I even imagine myself doing the most mundane things, but in the context of a life I don't hate. I just hope that someday I will be able to live in this reality, instead of some alternate reality of my own creation.

And All that Was Left Was a Pile of Ash and a To-Do List with Nothing Checked Off

Lately I have had this strange feeling like there is something I'm supposed to be doing. It's like that anxious, nervous, overly energetic feeling you get when you have something really important to do and you're running late. The problem is, I have absolutely nothing going on. My whole life, I have always said that I just want to make a difference in the world and now it's seems my whole body is just creaming that it's tired of waiting. I have this overwhelming urge to do something meaningful, specifically something related to animal rights, but also something physically challenging. It's like my mind, my body and my soul are all feeling painfully underutilized. Unfortunately, I still have no idea what to do. So now I just constantly feel like I'm about to spontaneously combust. Fantastic.