Signs (Video)

Well, I kept saying that once I got into my camper I was going to start doing videos more often. I've decided to just start doing more videos now. If you watch this one, you'll know why. 

You're Kidding Right? Right?...........RIGHT?

You know my electronic curse? That thing that causes every electronic device I ever own to break in weird, inconvenient, and irreparable ways? Well, it appears that it is not confined to electronic devices but electricity in general. You know how I said that my dad and I got electricity run to the pump house last week, and that all we had to do was hook up the panel box and I would have water at the pig barn? Well, it turns out that there is a short somewhere in the (I believe 80ft long) cable that we ran along the ceiling of my dad's shop and then under the ground outside, and there is no way for us to know where it is unless we dig the whole thing up and probably strip the coating off of it to find where the problem is. So yeah, I'd say we're back to square one with the electricity, but we're actually way farther back than that. What the fuck, Powers? Seriously, what the fuck?

My Own Place?

I bought a camper today you guys! It really looks like I might really get to have my own place here soon! The thing is all the way in NY but I'm working on hiring someone to haul it for me. Unlike the last time I needed something hauled, I actually got several offers from people willing to move it. So it might just work out.

I'll tell you, it was a fucking ordeal though. I bought it on Ebay, which should have been a pretty straightforward process, right? No, of course not! This is me so, naturally, it had to get absurdly complicated and annoying as shit. You see, the seller set it up so that you could only pay the deposit, not the full price. I have no idea why anyone would do that. I mean, all that could possibly accomplish is making things harder on both of us.

So I wrote to him and asked how I was supposed to pay the rest. He writes back and says that I should pay with cash or check when I picked the camper up. Well, guess what? That's why people buy shit on Ebay, so they don't have to pay with cash! I could have bought one locally if I had the cash to buy one! Also, I'm not actually going to be there to pick the thing up. So I wouldn't be able to give the money to him even if I had it.

So yeah, we wrote back and forth like six times. He made several really helpful suggestions like; get a cash advance from my credit card, mail him a check, or use Western Union. Thanks, but that doesn't really work for me! Finally, I went to Paypal's website and manged to figure out how to transfer the money directly to him. I had to pay an extra fifty dollars just for making the transfer, but it was better than having to discuss the issue with him any further. Then, I wrote to him and asked him if he got the money, and he took forever to write back to me, which really made me wonder if he was just going to scam me out of my money.

He finally did get back to me though, and said that it did go through. So as long as nothing goes wrong with the transport, I should have my camper sometime in the near future. Then I can start the process of making it livable, which shouldn't be too bad actually, especially since my dad has offered to help pay for some of the necessities. I'm not going to be convinced until I have the thing at my house though, because I simply don't trust the Powers That Be not to fuck me over at the last second.

If there's anybody who knows what it's like to be fucked over by the Powers more than I do, it's Deadpool.

You Know What? I Don't Even Want to Know This Time

Okay, so you guys know about my whole thing with all the weird recurring themes in my life that seem like they should mean something but I can never figure out what? Well here's one for you. What exactly is the symbolic significance of creatures with mouths where their eyes should be? Yeah. You know I mentioned a while back that I was reading The Sandman? Well, I just finished the second volume, The Dollhouse, and in it there is a character called The Corinthian. He basically just looks like a regular guy except for the fact that he has mouths where his eyes should be. Kind of creepy, right? You know what's even creepier? The fact that the night after I first read about the Corinthian, my dad and I watched an episode of Angel involving this weird slug-looking demon. You know what I didn't notice about this particular demon the first time I watched this episode? That it happens to have mouths for eyes. Holy fucking shit, Powers That Be! What are you doing to me with this shit?

Enough Already!

Sorry there was no post yesterday. You see, it was raining so Hughesnet took the day off. Of course, today we are completely buried under a mountain of snow but apparently Hughesnet doesn't mind snow. I guess I should be grateful that it's rain, and not snow, that scares our internet away because if I were snowed into the house and didn't have any internet access I can guarantee that bad things would happen. Anyway, with or without internet, this snow is really getting to be absurd. I mean seriously, what is the fucking deal this year? This is more snow than I think I have ever seen, other than when I was in Watkins Glen. So, to whoever is responsible for this sort of thing; can we get over this snow bullshit and move on now please? Thanks.

This is Avo stuck in a snow drift, by the way. 

The Sandman

I've started reading Neil Gaiman's The Sandman series. It took me a while to get into it because I had heard good things about it, but didn't realize it was actually a comic series when I bought it. It took me a while to get used to the format, but now I'm really enjoying it. Anyway, a couple of interesting things. 1- the story is sort of split up into all of these small sections involving a bunch of different characters that everyone has heard of before. On Tuesday night, I got to a part about Cain and Abel. This was the same night as the Supernatural episode that dealt with the story Cain and Abel. I'm not sure what the Powers that Be were trying to tell me with that one, but I'm fairly certain I don't want to know. 2- There is this one part that I think really sums up an idea that I have been trying to explain to people for years. He says "Ask yourselves, all of you...What power would HELL have if those here imprisoned were NOT able to DREAM of HEAVEN?" Of course, he was actually being literal when he said it, but my point was that it's the idea of what our lives could be, or could have been, that makes what they are seem so shitty. If we all knew this is just what life is, this is how it always is and how it always will be, we could probably deal with it. It's thinking that it could be better if you knew how to make it better, or that you missed your opportunity to make it better, that ruins everything. This has been......Your Depressing Thought for the Day!

It really is a great story though. 

What Exactly Did I Do to You Anyway?

Sorry there was no post yesterday, I was busy trying not to spontaneously combust. Seriously, is it just me or do other people feel like the more you think you just can't deal with one more single thing, the more the Powers that Be dump piles of shit on you? I mean, I have gotten to the point where all I can really do is try to zone out and pretend like my life isn't really happening. So, naturally, more and more and more things keep happening that I can't ignore without terrible consequences. You know how I've bitched about all the mud and ice around the pig barn? Well, the whole fucking field is like that too and Riley Pig has a really hard time walking on it. That doesn't stop him from stomping around and knocking Tuni out of her food bowl though. Well, shockingly, a few days ago he was knocking her around and slipped on the ice and fucked his foot all up. My dad and I gave him some antibiotics and put some ointment on it and hoped that he would be careful with it and let it heal. He didn't. He just kept stomping around on it and making it worse. So Yesterday we had to put up a wall and lock him in the barn. Now not only is his foot fucking awful looking, but I get to try to go in and feed him while he is roaring and charging back and forth and trying to slam me against the wall, plus I really don't know what to do if it doesn't get better soon. It's not like I can just put him in the car and take his ass to the vet. Fuck everything.

It Could Be Hellfire

In case anyone was wondering I am not, in fact, dead. There hasn't been a post for the past couple of days because our internet has been out. I believe this is because The Powers that Be knew that my various online activities were the only things keeping me sane so, naturally, they said "Nope. You can't do that anymore." It does seem to be working again now; which is good because the first day it was out I fucked my hand all up, and the second day I broke the glass in cabinet in the kitchen. I also put in my notice at work. This was probably a terrible idea, because I don't know how I'm going to survive. However, it does give me something to look forward to; a light at the end of the tunnel if you will. Now all I have to do is make it through another two weeks without snapping completely and everything will be.....well.........probably just as bad as it is now except with even less money.

Dean "....it's like there's a light at the end of the tunnel."

Sam "It's hellfire, Dean" 

It Looks Like the Powers Have a Sense of Humor

So, yesterday, I broke out the old Tarot cards for the first time in over a year. I decided to be really serious about it this time (don't you laugh at me), so I went outside and sat under my favorite tree and really focused on being open to any suggestions the Divine Powers might have for me. By the way, I have taken to referring to them as the "Divine Powers" when I'm being sincere and the "Powers that Be" when I'm being sarcastic. Anyway, I ended up with a layout that, while still not especially helpful, did seem somehow intentional and more than a little snooty.

The first position in the layout is called "what covers you" and it is supposedly the issue you're facing. My card was the king of wands. I started reading about him and realized that he was basically....well....me. Last time I tried to do my cards, I was trying to choose a card to represent me, which is something you are supposed to do before you start your reading. I finally just gave up on that because none of the queens really seemed that much like me. So the Divine Powers were like "You see, here's your problem. You're basically a guy." The next position is "what crosses you" which is either an obstacle or a benefit, depending on the context. My card was the ace of pentacles, which is all about money. I think that one is pretty self-explanatory. The next card "crowns you" and is all about the way you think about your situation. My card was the king of swords and his whole deal is about making people follow the rules. So, to me, this refers to my distaste for rules and my desire to live outside of conventional society. The next card is "at your feet" and indicates everything I have done that has led me to my current situation. It was the queen of swords who is all about following the rules. I interpreted this as meaning that I have been letting other people influence me and my decisions for too long. Next is the "near future". I got the knight of swords. He is this charismatic, dare-devil type. The way I saw it, this could either be someone who will come into my life, or someone I could become. Either way, I'll take it. Then came the "near past" which was the page of swords. This one talked about a kid with a dysfunctional family life who never felt that he/she had a real home. Seemed fairly accurate. Next is the "most important aspect". I got the ten of swords which is about pain and despair. I found that one pretty self-explanatory as well. Her comes the kind of funny part. The next position is called the "world to you". Guess which card I got? The world. I kind of feel like someone was getting sick of giving me insight and was just like "You want me to tell you what the world to you is? Really? It's the fucking world!" After that was "hope and fear". My card was the hermit, which was also funny because it was actually both my hope and my fear depending on whether I looked at it literally or symbolically. Literally, yeah I'm pretty fucking terrified that I will end up being a hermit for the rest of my life. But when you read the description of the card it actually represents the light at the end of the tunnel. The last card is the "out-come" and is supposed to be the answer to the question at hand. Mine was the ace of wands, which talks of new beginnings, fresh starts, and positive changes. I'll fucking take it!

By the way, yes I do realize that I obviously didn't shuffle well enough. Hence the king, queen, knight, page and ten of swords all in a row. That doesn't make them any less accurate though. So there.

These are my cards. Aren't they pretty? 

It's the Most Important Part of the Story, the Ending

For quite some time now, I have been thinking that I would like to write a book. Specifically, I've been thinking that I would like to write a memoir. I know what you're thinking "That's a stupid idea! You're always talking about how your life is super boring!" and, yes, you are right. However, despite how bored I am with my life right now, if I cut out all the boring parts and only cover the most interesting things from my entire life in a relatively short book, I think it could be rather compelling. I actually have had some rather unique and unusual experiences, that some people might actually care to hear about. Here's the problem; I have no idea how I would end such a book. I feel like anyone who might read it would want some sort of resolution at the end, and there is absolutely no aspect of my life which has been resolved. I feel like I have to do something, or be something, or at least figure out something before I can write a book about my life. At this point, I feel like if anyone actually read my life to the end they would get to the last page and yell "What the fuck was that!" and throw the book across the room. So come on, Powers That Be, give me some sort of epiphany so I can write my fucking book.

Check it out, you guys. We have the same hair. 

Thanks for the Ego Boost

Today I was out shopping with my mom and my sister. When they went to checkout, I stopped to look at the movies. As I was reading the back of one of the DVD boxes, I looked up and there was this guy staring at me. Like really staring at me. Of course, being the awkward human being that I am, I just sort of glanced at him and then quickly walked to the register and got in line beside my mom. I looked back a minute later and he was still looking at me. Despite the fact that he was being somewhat overly intense, it was nice. Up to this point, pretty much the only guys who have shown the slightest interest in me have been at least twice my age and highly creepy. This guy was actually around my age and only slightly creepy. Huge step in the right direction, right? Well then, just as we are about to leave, I look back at him one more time and what do I see? Him talking to himself! Not in a quirky sort of way, in a schizophrenic sort of way with agitated pacing and exaggerated hand gestures. So I would just like to thank the Powers that Be (I've decided to start saying that instead of the Universe) for that. You guys are some seriously talented practical jokers. They were like "Hey, see that girl over there who looks like she's on the verge of a nervous breakdown? Let's make her think that someone is actually attracted to her when really he just has severe psychological problems. That'll be hilarious!" Thanks fuckers.

I think it was these guys. They seem like the type. 

Alright Universe This Is Your Last Chance

So I've decided that I'm going to go ahead and see this police thing through. I called them back today and I'm going to get fingerprinted on the 14th. I thought about it, and I still feel like it's my best shot at actually feeling like I'm doing something worthwhile with my life. I'm sure, if I actually manage to get the job, there will be things I won't like but I think it might be the closest I will ever get to doing what I want to do.

Plus as stupid as this is, I can't help but feel like there has to be some reason why things keep happening the way they do. Most of the time it really just seems like something out there is trying to drive me insane, but I keep trying to believe that eventually it might work out for the best. I really had given up on this job. Then I was just about to apply for another one, or several. If I had actually accepted another job before I heard from the police department I wouldn't have wanted to turn it down. So who knows, maybe I heard from them now because the universe knew that it was almost too late.

I'm telling you what though, if nothing good comes out of this I'm not paying attention to anymore "signs" from the universe ever again. I'm just going to assume that something out there is just fucking with me for the fun of it. I mean it universe! This is it!

Uncle! Okay? Uncle!

Somehow I have managed to have even worse luck the last few days than I normally do. Two nights ago, Petunia pulled the fence away from the barn far enough that she could climb over it if she wanted to. I spent around half an hour trying to fix it, and finally got it to the point where it looked like it would hold. Then the next morning, when I was already running VERY late for class, as soon as I go near the barn she jumps up on the fence and rips it right back down. Then, as I'm trying to push her off of the once again broken fence, she flings her head and throws a huge chunk of mud in my eye, not near my eye, in my eye!

Then last night, as I'm on my way back form my mom's house, I get pulled over for the first time in years. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, because he didn't give me a ticket. What he did do was ask me if I had any bombs in the car. That's right, bombs! Who asks that? Has anyone ever been asked that when they got pulled over? He also asked me if I had any drugs, twice. What the fuck?

Worst yet, this morning the power went out, which for most people would mean having to get dressed in the dark, but for me means no lights and no water. No water means no washing my hands which, for me, means basically no functioning at all. As bad as this would be on a normal day, today was the worst possible day for it to happen because I had to be at class at 8:00 for a test. That's why this post is so late, by the way.

All I can say is I hope the universe is done with it's little game, because otherwise I am going to lose my damn mind. Also, the fucking power better come back on, or I am going to have to stay with my mom and my sister in their already exceptionally crowded apartment.

Hey, People Have Been Believing Random Shit They Read in Books for Thousands of Years

How do we ever know if we are on the right paths in our lives? Every time I make a decision about what direction I'm going to go, something shifts and changes everything. Sometimes it's just my own perception that changes, but many times it's not. I've never thought the idea of fate made much sense, but I swear it seems like something out there is either trying to push me in a direction that I can't seem to find or it's just trying to screw me over, one or the other. There is this one concept that I've always loved. It's actually from The Dark Tower series by Stephen King. I know that sounds stupid, but it's a cool idea, so bear with me. It's called Ka and it's sort of a combination of fate and free will. Basically the idea is, if you're doing what you're supposed to be doing, things will just line up for you. I keep thinking that someday I'll find the right path and things will actually start to work out for me, for the first time in my life. So far it just looks like the universe hates me.