True Love

It's late, and I'm tired, and I forgot to write a post today (well technically yesterday, at this point) so I am just going to talk about Victor and Sierra from Dollhouse. They are my absolute favorite TV couple of all time. If you haven't seen the show, which most people probably haven't, you won't really know what I'm talking about. But they have the sweetest, purest, and (occasional "man reactions" not withstanding) most innocent love ever portrayed on TV. There is just something so wonderful about people who love each other with absolutely no other motives or expectations. I'm not sure that ever even exists in real life, except maybe in small children. On the show, they often refer to the people in the Dollhouse as being in an infantile state, and that is sort of what Victor and Sierra seem like; two infants who somehow fell in love. They have no idea what it means to be in a relationship the way adults see it. They just know that they want to be around each other, and they each want the other to be happy. They don't expect anything from the other person. In fact, they wouldn't even have any idea what they should expect. They just love each other, that's all. I think that's really beautiful.

For anyone who has seen the show, the episode where Victor tries to get rid of all the black paint because he thinks it is making Sierra sad is the sweetest thing I think I have ever seen in my entire life. 

More Unrealistic Life-Goals?

I have spent the majority of the last two week snowed in. For a while, it was driving me absolutely insane being unable to go anywhere. However, I have finally gotten used to it (which is super convenient since the weather is supposed to be clearing up in the next couple of days.) and have actually been making pretty good use of my time (at least by my standards, anyway). I have been working on a lot of different little art projects, and have come up with a ton of ideas that I have yet to put into practice. I made a bunch of different little clay designs that I hope to turn into jewelry in some way or another. I'm also considering using the clay to make various other things; I'm thinking some weird, nerdy, funny-shaped mugs might be a lot of fun. I also wrote a short story the other day, which I may or may not end up posting here. It's very odd and kind of disturbing, so we'll see. If nothing else, I figure it was good practice. I seldom write anything other than these diary-type posts and it was kind of nice to write something with an actual story-line. Anyway, the point of all this is; I'm starting to think that maybe, MAYBE, there is a chance that I could actually turn all of this random shit into a source of income. I'm considering reviving my Etsy shop from a while back and trying to sell some weird art and whatnot.

I mean hey, it worked for Priya. That is, until that crazy rich guy decided to get her sent to The Dollhouse. So it's basically a win/win. 

Tech Heads

Every once in a while, something happens that reminds me how incredibly incompetent I am compared to other people of my generation. It seems like almost everyone my age has this inborn understand of technology. I do not have that. I can usually manage to figure things out enough to get by, but that's about it. I have one of the shittiest cell phones on the market, and I still have no idea what half of its features are. I use it to make calls and send texts, that's it. Whatever else it does, I will never know. Any time I have to do anything, involving any sort of technology, that I haven't done before, I have to call my sister and beg for her assistance. It's really quite humiliating. I don't know how I managed to miss out on the tech gene, but I clearly did. Anyway, I just bought an ipod, so this should be fun.

One Year

Well, it has officially been one year since I started this blog and, as promised, here is my one last secret that I have yet to reveal to all of you. It probably won't seem like much of a secret to most of you, especially considering the multitude of exceptionally personal things I have already discussed here, but it's a pretty big one for me. Here it is; despite the way I act and the immense effort I go to in order to hide it, in a lot of ways, I am a big stereotypical girl and it bugs the shit out of me!

I try to act like I only care about really important things and the only thing that matters to me is trying to make the world a better place.

But sometimes I'm like "I just want somebody to hold my fucking hand!"

Here, for your reading pleasure, is a list of all the ways in which I am just an annoyingly average girl. 

1- Sometimes I just really want someone to tell me I'm pretty. 

2- A part of me still believes in the whole "fairy tale love" bullshit. 

3- I actually do that stupid things that girls do in movies where they dance around their houses when they're home alone. 

I do, at least, wear pants when I do it though. 

4- Good romantic scenes make me really happy and really sad at the same time. 

I couldn't find a picture of the part where he picks her up and spins her around, but holy fuck do I wish someone would be that happy to see me! 

5- I'm constantly comparing myself to other women and taking inventory of our respective good and bad attributes. 

I will never be able to look at her and feel good about myself. 

6- There are certain excessively cheesy love songs that I just can't help but love, no matter how shameful they may be. 

When this song comes on the radio I find myself incapable of turning it off, or of not singing along. 

7- Here's the one that I really REALLY don't want to admit to. Sometimes I actually do cry. Fuck do I hate it! And I never do it when anyone else is around to see, but it does happen. Usually, it's not even for any particular reason either. It's just sort of a "life in general sort of sucks" thing. 

8- I actually think it would be a lot of fun to go dancing, like in a club (gasp!). I would probably give it a try were it not for the fact that I am fairly certain I would just make an ass of myself. 

9- I totally understand every part of this post 

Every part. 

10- Part of me has always wanted, and probably will always want, to be a famous actress/singer/something. 

11- Sometimes I find myself looking at these stupid things and thinking "You know, that probably would be pretty nice." 

I chose this particular one because I think the second picture makes it infinitely funnier. 

12- I have quite a fondness for sexy underwear. 

I especially like this place because their stuff is sexy, badass, and affordable. 

13- As much as I try not to, I get extremely bothered by negative comments, especially ones concerning my appearance. 

I also have a tendency not to forget these comments for, well, ever. 

14- Whenever I happen to be near a mirror, I find that I can't help but check to make sure there's nothing for anyone to say anything negative about. Like obsessively. Usually I find lots of things. 

Too many things. 

15- I really wish I would get hit on sometimes. I mean by someone who isn't three times my age. 

Could somebody look at me like that^ please. 

So there you go, guys. My deepest, darkest secret is that I am, in fact, a girl. 

Dissatisfaction

I know I have spoken to people about this multiple times, but I don't think I have actually written a blog about it. I can't remember for sure though so, if I have, sorry.

Anyway, this may sound stupid but I truly believe that the source of 99% of the dissatisfaction our society has, with life in general, is too many choices. We have all been told, from the time we were children, that we can do whatever we want with our lives. This sounds great, in theory. However, when you feel like you can do anything it creates this pressure to do the right thing, the best thing, to make the right choice. We feel like, anytime we're not completely happy with our lives, it must be because we made the wrong decision somewhere. Furthermore, some of us (like myself) become completely paralyzed by the pressure to make the right life choices and end up stuck doing something we know we don't want to do because we're afraid to commit to a decision. "But what if I do this, and it turns out that I should have done that?" I truly believe that human beings were better off when we didn't have so many options. Back when every decision we made was life or death, it was easy to know which decision to make. Plus, it gave our lives purpose. If we make the right decisions, we survive. That was the definition of success. Now we have to define success in these strange, obscure ways that we don't even understand half the time. "If I have a nice car, I'm successful." "If I get promoted, I'm successful." "If I can afford a house, I'm successful." "If I make more money than that other guy, I'm successful." or, in my case, "If I feel fulfillment, I'm successful." I think we should all just go back to growing our own food and forget about all this "You can be anything you want" bullshit.

The people in Dollhouse had the right idea. The world, as we know it, came to an end. So they just started their own little self-sufficient community where they grew their own food and took care of each other. I think they all seemed happier that way too. 

Well, that Makes 300

I've been trying to use every hundredth post as sort of a recap of everything that has happened in my life since the last hundredth post. Unfortunately, very little has happened since post number 200. So, I decided to sort of look back on my life as a whole. Probably a big, big, fucking mistake. But whatever.

Anyway, if I look back on any particular period in my life, I find that I am a completely different person than I was during any other time in my life. If I think about who I was just a couple of years ago, I barely even recognize myself. I look different, act different, feel different. I have different interests, different goals, different desires. Here's the funny thing though, if I look back on myself from ten years ago, I'm nothing like I was two years ago. However, I'm not sure I'm any further from who I am now. Is it really possible for someone to become an entirely different person every couple of years without ever actually getting any closer to being the person they want to be? It seems the answer is yes. I just keep changing and hoping that someday I'll change into something better, but it seems like the only parts of me that stay the same are the parts that continually fuck me over in my life. Happy 300th post! 

Dollhouse Pants

Do you ever have inside jokes where you're the only one inside? Well I do. Many times I don't say them aloud, because I know no one will know what the fuck I'm talking about. Other times I do, just because they're so funny I can't keep them to myself. Needless to say, no one else ever seems to think so. I especially like to have clever names for my clothes. I have;
1-Amy Brown socks- Tall striped socks, named for the artists who draws a lot of fairies with such socks.
2-Mitchell gloves- If you've seen Being Human, you know what I'm talking about.
3-The Travelling Shorts- A pair of shorts I bought at Goodwill a couple years back. They are jean shorts with a tag that says "one size fits all". I was with my sister and my boyfriend (at the time) when I found them. We all thought it was ridiculous and there was no way they would fit multiple sizes. So just for shits, we all decided to try them on. They fit all of us! It was insane! (by the way, I have neither seen nor read The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. I just know the concept and thought it was funny.)
4- For years now, I have been wearing this certain type of pants to sleep and exercise in and I've never been sure what to call them. I usually call them sweat pants, but they're not exactly sweat pants, or pajama pants, but they're not those either. I guess they're sort of yoga pants, but not quite. Well, I've finally figured out what they are. They're Dollhouse pants.

Epitaph

For the sake of the planet and all of the beings who inhabit her, I really hope that humans get their shit together soon. I feel like there is a good chance that we're on a direct path for our own destruction and if we don't make some changes soon, we are going to ruin everything for everyone. For my own sake though, I sometimes hope that they just go ahead and burn it all down. The things is I just don't feel, and never really have felt, that I was built for this world. I sometimes think that I might thrive in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. I sometimes think that a good struggle for survival might be just what I need.

Mayhap there is a weird depressing poem in here somewhere? 

Also, the title/image are Dollhouse reference, just so you know. 

I Try to Be My Fucking Best, Okay?

I think I am going to try going back to writing in the mornings for a while. You see, Goodwill completely drains me of any and all inspiration, enthusiasm, and energy that I might have had. So, by the time I get home, I am in no state to come up with anything intelligent or entertaining to say.

Annnnnnnyway, you know how I said I've been doing the whole (stupid, frustrating, infuriating, futile) online dating thing? Well, I talked back and forth a couple of times with this one guy. He seemed a little better than some of the others. He was talking about how exciting his life had been; he'd been to this place, and that place, and done all of these things. When I wrote back I was actually trying to be sort of flirty, but I obviously failed. I said something to the effect of "It sounds like you've had a pretty exciting life. I don't feel like I've had nearly enough excitement in my life." He wrote me back this absurdly long message with all of this cliched bullshit about how the important thing is to just be yourself, and just let things happen the way they are going to, and don't have too many ideas about what your life is supposed to be, and just being a good person is enough. I swear, I've heard this same fucking speech from about thirty different people. Every time I say anything about my life being boring and devoid of meaning, this is what I get. And I'm sorry people, but it is complete and utter bullshit. Life is not about just letting whatever happens happen, and being a good person is not enough. It's about doing things, making things happen, trying to be the best that we can. If we're not going to change anything or accomplish anything then what's the fucking point?

Once Upon a Time

The other day I mentioned that I believe that the secret to not being treated like shit is, for the most part, being confident in your choices. I said that I knew this from personal experience, so I'm going to explain that a little. When I was in school, specifically high school but really the whole way through, I was the weird kid. I always dressed differently, acted differently, hell even talked differently than everyone else. I had few friends, never participated in any sports/clubs/etc. and never made even the tiniest effort to fit in. By the way, I also had terrible skin and braces. However, despite the fact that I'm sure everyone thought I was a complete freak, I never got picked on. I'm sure some of the more unpleasant members of my class said things about me behind my back from time to time, but almost no one ever said anything bad about me to my face. I truly believe this was due to the fact that they knew it wouldn't make any difference. I didn't want to be like them and they knew it. I had no desire for their approval, and this left them with no reason to express their disapproval.

I'm All of Them, But None of Them Is Me

Recently, my mom and I were talking about the idea of changing for other people. This is something that happens quite a lot in romantic relationships, but I think it probably happens fairly often in any kind of relationship. We all want to be accepted by the people we care about, so we pretend to be what they want us to be. I think it's pretty much accepted as fact that this is a mistake. We shouldn't change for people. However, I think it is an inevitability that we will be changed by people. When you think about it, most of what we are is a composite of all of the people we have known. We absorb things from others, often without even realizing it. Our tastes, our mannerisms, our vocabularies, are all determined by the people we spend time with. I don't know, but I actually think this (as opposed to consciously choosing to change the way you are) can be a very good thing. I think it's a big part of how we grow and evolve. We see things that we like in others and some part of us adopts them for itself. We are who we are because of the people we've known.

* The title is a quote from this^ scene in Dollhouse. 

Slut-Shame

I have noticed a lot of talk lately, within my social (media) circle, of "slut-shaming". There seems to be a pretty large movement, as of late, to put an end to this practice in an attempt to free our society of it's double-standard when it comes to sexual activity. I agree with this movement to some extent. However, I happen to believe that there is more to it than most people seem to acknowledge. Personally, I feel that which, and how many, people a person chooses to have sex with is entirely that person's business and in no way reflects on any other aspects of his or her character. For example, let's say I met this really cool, interesting, kind-hearted, intelligent woman with lots of interest and causes that she cared about. I truly wouldn't care the tiniest bit if I found out that she likes to fuck five different guy a night, because that's not who she is. On the other hand, someone who has no interests, no real personality, and nothing else to identify her by, who sleeps with a lot of guys ends up being defined by that one trait. So yeah, I believe that is something to be ashamed of, especially if you go along willingly. Basically my idea about slut-shaming is this; there is nothing shameful about being a "slut" the shameful thing is being a slut and nothing more.

Regardless of her job, I think she would have been a cool person to hang out with. Now Kiki, on the other hand.......

P.S. I think my Dollhouse references make even less sense to the average person than my other TV references.

It's Fun If You Pretend It's Really Important

Lately, my mom's ceiling has been leaking water all over her floor; so today I went to her house to help her figure out where the water was coming from. I ended up going up inside the attic to look for moisture. This involved climbing up a ladder and through a hole in the wall into a space that was about a hundred degrees and filled with dirty old insulation. Then I had to carefully crawl across a board that was laying across the rafters, and a few rafters with no board, for about thirty(?) forty(?) feet (I'm terrible at estimating distance) on my hand and knees while carrying a flashlight. It was probably the high point of my week.

I felt like I was Echo, trying to save my original personality wedge.   

I Try to Be My Best

In case you didn't notice, it seems that a disproportionate number of my posts are about my favorite shows. Oh well, here's another one. I just finished watching Dollhouse, which was fantastic by the way! It was interesting, exciting and depressing as fuck all at the same time, which seems to be what I look for in a show (and what I look for in general, I think.) Anyway, for those who don't know, the idea is this; people sign a contract for five years then they have their memories wiped and have new personalities imprinted for various tasks they have to perform for the Dollhouse's clients. Pretty much everyone in the show seemed very upset by the whole concept; they called it slavery, human trafficing, prostitution, etc. I would just like to say that I don't think it would be so bad. I would totally do it, and they wouldn't even have to pay me the ridiculous amount of money that they paid most of the "actives" at the end of their contracts. I would just be like "Make sure all of my personalities are vegans, and real vegans too not half-assed vegans who still eat fish or anything like that. And let me keep a few of the more badass skills you imprint me with."

Also, who knew Alan Tudyk could be so creepy?