The Middle-ground

You know what I think really fucks us over the most in our lives? The middle-ground. We are, or at least I am, always searching for that safe, comfortable space between one extreme and the other. The problem is, sometimes we just are extreme. We think that trying to have the best of both worlds will make things better, but really it just makes us crazy and frustrated.Trying to negotiate between the different aspects of ourselves, our lives, our wants and needs is nearly impossible. The most aggravating thing though is trying to negotiate our true selves with society. I don't know about the rest of you, but I am constantly trying to tone down certain parts of my self, exaggerate other parts, and completely fabricate more parts than I would like to admit. I'm starting to think that maybe, instead of always trying to make things work together, I should just pick a side and commit to it wholeheartedly. Basically what I'm getting at here is that I'm thinking of moving into a cave. Fuck society!

I did an image search for "middle-ground" and found this^. It just seems appropriate somehow. 

The Truth about Me

I feel like I am a totally different person now than I was, say, back in high school; even than I was back when I was going to WVU. I have changed a great deal, both through conscious effort and natural evolution. But there are times I feel like I am still that person I used to be, not just back at WVU or back in high school, but before that. Sometimes I feel like I haven't changed at all over the course of my life. When I think about it, I know that I have. I know that I have grown and learned and become better for it, but then I worry that all of that is in my head and that the people around me will still see me as this goofy, awkward, unattractive child, and that I will never be able to get past that.

Does anyone know the episode (Restless) of Buffy where Willow had the dream that everyone kept telling her that people would find out "the truth about her" or "about the real her." That's what I feel like sometimes; like the person I think of myself as is just this illusion I've created and that everyone knows that but me. 

Where Is the Line?

Here is a question I've been pondering for the last couple of days. Where is the line between pretending to be someone you're not, and trying to be someone you want to be? If you force yourself to do enough things that you would normally never do, do you eventually become the kind of person who would do those things? I tend to think the answer is yes. Who we are is, very much, determined by our experiences. So by forcing ourselves to have different experiences, I think we can pretty much control who we are going to be.

So yeah, I think I'm going to force myself to do some stuff. I'm not sure what kind of stuff yet, but stuff. 

Chronic Politeness

I truly believe that the best way to be happy with yourself is to make a point to cultivate characteristics that you respect in others, and to try to overcome the ones you don't respect. I have been making a conscious effort to do this for some time now, and I believe that it has made a huge difference in my self-esteem. At this point, there are very few things that I am ashamed of. There is still one thing though that I just can't seem to get past. I just cannot seem to get over this whole doormat mentality that I have. All the people I respect most tend to be those who don't take shit from anybody; people who stand up for themselves, their beliefs and other beings. I seem to have what you might call "chronic politeness" I am compelled to be polite to people, even when they are being complete dicks to me, and I HATE that about myself.

Last night this woman came into Goodwill and was looking at the jewelry counter. I was standing there waiting to see if she would want me to get anything out for her. She asks to see my tattoo (the Vegan one) and when I show it to her she says, and I quote "Oh that's terrible." and shakes her head slowly. I honestly laughed, I was so taken aback. I mean, I have had people ask to see my tattoo and then not know what to say when they see what it is, but never has anyone expressed such blunt disapproval. Then she says "I have some friends who are vegans (I would just like to say that she may well know some vegans but, considering her attitude toward them, I would be willing to bet that they don't think of her as a friend.). You can usually tell who's a vegan because they're always scrawny like you." I really, REALLY wanted to punch her in the face. I seriously considered telling her that I think her concept of a healthy weight is a bit skewed (she was at least 30 pounds overweight), and/or dropping to the floor and doing 20 or 30 push-ups to show her how fucking "scrawny" I am. Instead, I just rang up her stuff and told her to have a nice night. I then proceeded to berate myself for it for the rest the night and again today.

I'm fairly certain Aeryn would kick the living shit out of anyone who had the nerve to call her scrawny, and I should have done the same. 

Everything but the Desert Island

Yesterday I ended up talking to some woman at Goodwill about veganism. Well, what really happened was, I tried to be polite as she spouted off every cliche an omnivore has ever said to a vegan. Except the one about the desert island, which is good because if she had said that one I just might have snapped. Now, allow me to recreate for you the awkwardness that resulted from her obnoxiousness and my social ineptitude.

I was standing at the register, talking to my manager, and this woman comes up behind me and says "What size do you wear, little missy, 00?" Little missy? Really?
To which I replied "Hahah, afraid not." I know that was a dumb thing to say, but really what do you say to that?
Then she says "Seriously, how do you stay so thin?"
I say "Well, I'm a vegan." Now obviously there are other factors, like my compulsive need to workout for an hour and a half every day, but I always credit veganism first.
She says "What?"
Me: "A vegan. I don't eat any meat, milk, eggs."
Her: "Oh, you're a vegetarian."
Me: "Yeah." No, I'm a fucking vegan. That's why I said vegan. But whatever.
Her: "So what do you eat? Just fruits and veggies?"
Me: "Yeah, and rice and pasta and things like that."
Her: "Do you ever eat fish or anything?"
Me: With a big fake smile. "Nope."
Her: " But where do you get your protein?"
Me: Through gritted teeth. "Well, most people don't know that lots of plant foods actually have a lot of protein. I eat nuts and beans and that sort of thing."
Her: Sort of waves what I just said away. "Don't you ever crave it though?"
Me: Trying to seem amicable "Well, it's been thirteen years for me. So I'm pretty much over that, hahah."
Her: "Oh." "So you really think that works for you, huh?"
Me: "Yeah, it really works very well for me."
She then proceeds to tell me all about how the guy who owns Goodwill is getting rich off of people's donations.

Thank you, lady at Goodwill, for a truly stimulating conversation.

I was totally winning at defensive omnivore bingo. 

Personas

We all have different personas that we use in different areas of our lives, yeah? Well, I guess I got a little too comfortable dividing myself into different parts, because I recently noticed that I do the same thing in my online life. I find that my Facebook has become basically like my normal public persona. I don't really say much. Occasionally I make a polite comment about something someone else has said or done, and every once in a while I share something I think is clever or amusing. This blog is more like a glimpse inside my mind. Here, I say all of the things I'm thinking while I'm making polite conversation, nodding and smiling, or just trying to keep my mouth shut. Pinterest is where I keep all of the things that seem to speak to my very soul. If you look at my boards you will find all of the things that I love for reasons I can't explain, and things that express my thoughts and feelings more honestly than I can ever convince myself to. The one aspect of myself that manages to transcend the boundaries of my different online networks is the same as it is in real life. I do somehow work animal rights into every situation in my life, at least from time to time.

The two sides of Pinterest. 

I'm All of Them, But None of Them Is Me

Recently, my mom and I were talking about the idea of changing for other people. This is something that happens quite a lot in romantic relationships, but I think it probably happens fairly often in any kind of relationship. We all want to be accepted by the people we care about, so we pretend to be what they want us to be. I think it's pretty much accepted as fact that this is a mistake. We shouldn't change for people. However, I think it is an inevitability that we will be changed by people. When you think about it, most of what we are is a composite of all of the people we have known. We absorb things from others, often without even realizing it. Our tastes, our mannerisms, our vocabularies, are all determined by the people we spend time with. I don't know, but I actually think this (as opposed to consciously choosing to change the way you are) can be a very good thing. I think it's a big part of how we grow and evolve. We see things that we like in others and some part of us adopts them for itself. We are who we are because of the people we've known.

* The title is a quote from this^ scene in Dollhouse. 

That Has to Count for Something, Right?

What does it mean to be really good at something that you see little to no value in? It seems that I am actually quite good at my job. Sometimes I even feel good about the fact that I'm good at it, then I remember that it's basically meaningless and I just feel like a fool for forgetting that in the first place. At least once a week I have a customer tell me how nice, or friendly, or helpful I am. The other night one of the managers told me that I am one of the only cashiers whose judgement she trusts. Today I heard that I helped the store to get a nearly perfect score form a "secret shopper" because I did such a good job of helping her when she came in. Also, I have had tons of customers, some who I didn't even recognize, tell me how happy they are that I'm back. Sometimes I think all of that has to count for something, but then other times I think "Are you serious? You're a fucking cashier! Nothing you do counts for anything."

I suppose it could be worse. At least I don't work at the Doublemeat Palace. 

Well, First I Got Up and Had a Piece of Toast. Then I Brushed My Teeth

I sometime really wish that I wasn't so good at pretending to be a nice person. I'm really not all that nice. Most people probably don't believe me when I say that, but I swear it's true. I have just gotten very very good at faking it. The problem with this is, people like to talk to nice people. So, the fact they I act like a nice person causes shit-tons of people to decide to tell me everything about themselves. Worse yet, the only time I interact with people is when I'm at work; and when I'm at work I need to, you know, work! I get all of these customers, mostly old people who I feel really bad for because they apparently don't have anyone else to talk to, telling me their life stories while I'm trying to do my fucking job. I usually try to stand there and listen to them, despite the fact that I am ridiculously busy (because I have to pretend to be nice) but you just can't get some of these people to shut up!

Perhaps Someone Put a Glamour on Me?

There seems to be something about me that causes people to view me as this sweet, innocent (and possibly helpless) little goody-goody. I bugs the shit out of me because it's really just not who I am at all. Furthermore, nothing I do seems to have any effect on it. Yesterday, I was helping one of the guys who works in the back carry some furniture out. It wasn't even anything all that big or heavy, just a couple of cabinets. While we were carrying the first one, he looked all surprised that I was able to carry it and made a comment about me being "pretty tough". With the second one he pointed out my tattoo (which, by the way, is always clearly visible) and said that he didn't realize that I had one. I replied that I actually have eight and he looked totally shocked and then laughed and said "Oh, so you're a bad girl then." which was obviously meant as a joke. These weren't really that big of a deal. I'm just sort of confused by the fact that he didn't think I seemed like someone who would have tattoos. The thing that really annoyed me was that, when I got back, the other cashier grinned and said "So the smallest person ends up carrying the furniture?" I tried to smile back at her, but I'm not entirely sure that it didn't come out looking like a snarl. Because here's the thing; I'm not small! I have seen plenty of small girls around. There are tons of girls who are short, and skinny, and delicate looking. I am not one of them! I'm not short. I'm kind of thin, but I'm toned thin, not bony thin. And no part of me looks the least bit delicate. I have large features, long limbs and really fucking bigs hands for a girl. I'm not small, I'm not weak, and I'm not some "good girl". So what exactly is it that makes people see me that way?

Sam knows what it feels like. 

Also, there is a good chance that tomorrows post will be a list of all the reasons people need to stop treating me like a goody-goody. 

People Person? Really?

I think I mentioned once before that, when I was a kid, I wanted to be an actress. Well, maybe I should have followed through with that. Today at work, someone called me a "people person". Anyone who actually knows me could tell you that is about as far as you could possibly get from what I really am. I just put on this other persona when I'm at work. I guess most people probably do that to some extent, but mine seems to be especially convincing because I seem to have not only the customers but all of the other employees thoroughly fooled.

Most of the time, when I deal with customers, I feel like Anya. 

Bad Wolf

For quite some time now I have found myself torn between wanting to be a nice person and wanting to be one of those people who don't take any shit from anyone. I have always felt, for some reason, that it's very important to be nice to everyone. I have always felt compelled to be polite and non-confrontational even to people who are complete asshole to me. At the same time, I have always admired those people who stand up for themselves and their values and say what needs to be said, even if no one wants to hear it. I have sort of weighed the cost of each and have never been able to determine which is actually better. People will like you more if you are nice, but people will respect you more if you stand up for yourself. If you are nice to everyone, you will seem like a good person but you will also seem weak. If you don't take shit from people you will seem strong, but everyone will probably think you're an asshole. I have never been able to decide which one of those I would rather be. So far I have stuck with the whole nice thing because that's what I was used to. I feel like pretty soon it won't be up to me to decide anymore. I am quickly losing my tolerance for bullshit and I have a feeling that, in the near future, I am going to become one of those people who doesn't take shit form anyone whether I want to or not.

I kind of feel like this most of the time.

I Am a Master of Disguise

It's funny how people can end up getting stuck in these personas that have nothing to do with who they really are. Once people see you a certain way it's incredibly difficult to get them to change their perceptions. I was homeschooled until fourth grade. When I first went to public school, I had no idea what to expect and I ended up being this extremely quiet, reserved, overly polite person. That's how everyone came to know me. I was the "nice girl" the "good girl" the "quite girl" but that was never who I really was, or who I wanted to be. That's the image of me that stuck though. Even after I cut all of my hair off and got (lots of) tattoos, people still somehow saw me as this innocent, naive person. To this day, I have trouble getting past that. I find that I'm so used to being treated that way that I end up doing things and saying things that in no way reflect what I really think or who I really am. I'm working on it though.

Insert Clever, Sarcastic Title Here

I think I am an exceptionally angry person. I do my best to keep it together and put on this veneer of politeness and normality but right under the surface I am this twisted mass of bitterness and frustration and the veneer is wearing real fucking thin these days. I think I really used to be a nice person, but I don't think I am anymore. I try to be, or at least act like I am, but I am finding it harder and harder to fake. When I interact with most people I smile and make small talk but after a moment I feel this anger seeping through. I can feel it just under my skin and I try to stop it from showing on my face, but I'm never sure how well it works.