Ⓥ Gets Me Every Time

I am probably the most jaded, desensitized, pessimistic person I know. Nothing really surprises me anymore; nothing really gets to me. Other people hear news stories about death, cruelty, injustice and become very upset about them, but not me. I know how the world is and, though I do want to help stop these things in any way I can, I am not remotely surprised when they happen.

Naturally, the things that always bothered me the most were instances of cruelty toward animals, but even those have ceased to be as powerful as they once were. I have seen so many images and videos, and read so many stories of the horrible things that happen to animals in our world that they no longer impact me the way they did before. They still provoke a sense of sadness for the animals and anger toward the humans responsible, but the feeling is sort of superficial now.

In a way, this is probably a good thing. If I felt the full extent of every terrible thing that humans do to animals, I doubt that I would be able to function at all. However, I still feel a pang of guilt every time I hear about these things and am able to just brush them off. I feel like I should feel these things more deeply; I mean, nothing I could feel seeing pictures of torture could ever compare to what the animals feel having to live through it. I just don't anymore though. I still care. I still desperately want to make things better for them. But I don't feel their pain the way I used to.

There is one thing that still gets to me though; one thing that still brings out a strong emotional response. That thing is children reacting to cruelty toward animals. Many of you have probably seen various videos going around the internet of very young kids learning that the food they are eating came from an animal (or similar situations), and being absolutely heartbroken about it. In some of these videos, the parents respond with compassion, but in others they seem to think of the whole thing as a joke. Either way, I can't help but be deeply moved by these videos.

I think there are two reason why they affect me so much, when nothing else does. First, this is the only situation in which I see anyone respond to the horrors of animal abuse with an appropriate level of revulsion. Children have not yet been desensitized the way the rest of us have, so they are able to react in the way that we all should, when faced with such awful truth. Seeing them feel the pain of this realization so deeply gives me some hope that someday things may actually change. Second, as glad as I am that these children have seen the truth, and as hopeful as I am that, because of that, they may truly be able to make a difference in the world, I can't help but feel sad for them. There is something inherently awful about watching someone's illusions about the world being shattered. They will never be able to recapture the innocence they once had; they will never again truly believe that the world is a good and kind place. I only hope that other people are as deeply affected by these videos as I am, and that they will be inspired to change the way they treat animals. Then, at least, these kids can grow up to know that they have made a difference and the pain they felt was not for nothing.  

I honestly think this is one of the most powerful videos I have ever seen. There is nothing gruesome, just pure, honest emotion and the love and compassion of a child for his friend.

Message (Video)

I know I've been doing the whole "Throwback Thursday" thing lately, but I've realized that I just don't like my old writing all that much. I may still do it from time to time, but not every week. Also, I'm going to start working toward doing more videos, and I something happen today that I just had to share. 

Come Gather Round, Friends, and I'll Tell You a Tale

I want to tell you guys a little story about an interaction that I had a few nights ago.

It was around 10:00, and I was walking down the hill to the pig barn, water buckets in hand. I noticed headlights far in the distance and thought "If I hurry, I can get to the barn before they get here." because when a car passes, I have to crowd over into the weeds on the side of the road to avoid being hit. Unfortunately, it was pitch black out and the road next to the barn contains several of the worst pot-holes I have ever seen in my life. This meant that rushing could easily result in twisted ankles and/or spilled water buckets.

So I just kept walking at a careful pace and moved into the weeds when the vehicle got close. It turned out to be a large pickup truck being driven by a guy with a buzz-cut. Instead of just moving on by (you know, so I could climb back out of the waste-high weeds and get on with my life?) He stopped in the middle of the road, right beside me. I will now recount for you the conversation that followed.

Guy- Hey! You feedin' them hogs?
Me- (Well, I am carrying water buckets to the barn so.....) Yeah.
Guy- Them are some pretty big hogs.
Me- Yeah.....they're pretty big.
Guy- So you gonna butcher 'em or what?
Me- (GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!) No.......they're just.......they're rescues.
Guy- Rescues.......?!
Me- Yeah.
Guy- You from around here?

At this point, I assumed he was making a joke. Like, "You obviously can't be from here because no one around here would ever have rescue pigs" (hurhur).

Me- Yeah, I do.
Guy- I've lived here my whole life, and I never seen you before.

At this point, I realize that he was not, in fact, making a joke. He was actually asking me if I was from here.

Me- (Seriously!? No, I just travel around the country, feeding other people's pigs at 10:00 at night. What the fuck?) I live right up there.
Guy- Oh yeah?.......Hey, what is the name of the people who live up there?
Me- Metz.
Guy- Right. So what's your name?
Me- Whitney Metz.
Guy- Well, you look like you're kind of struggling with those buckets, hahah.
Me- (Grrrr. Snarl, poorly disguised as a smile) No, I got it.

I immediately realized this was a mistake, because I'm sure it sounded to him like I was encouraging him to continue talking. When what I was actually trying to do was assure him that I was not some weakling who was incapable of carrying a couple of buckets.

Guy- Hey, do you know........

He then proceeds to list names of my relatives as I confirm that I do, in fact, know them.

Guy- Hey, be careful down there. There's a big bees nest on the barn.
Me- (Yeah, I'm down there every fucking day, and the thing is about two feet long. I kind of noticed it. Also, they're yellow jackets, not bees.) Yeah, I know. It's been there for a while.
Guy- Yeah.....? (Look of utter confusion)

Apparently, allowing a bees nest to continue to exist on the side of my barn for an extended period of time was what it took for the guy to finally decide that I was too crazy to talk to anymore.

Anyway, this was one of the most awkward conversations I have ever had. And, for me, that's saying something.

The title is a reference to this ^ song.

   

Ⓥ Compromises

I try my best never to compromise when it comes to my beliefs. I make a point never to do things that I will have to feel guilty for later. I am especially strict when it comes to matters of animal rights; I am probably one of the pickiest vegans in the world. I do everything in my power to avoid harming any living being, even the ones that many other vegans don't take into consideration (like various "pests").

Unfortunately for me, I live in a place where compromise on these issues is often necessary just to get by in society. I think one of the necessities of the animal rights cause is to attempt to spread the message that animals deserve better than the way our society treats them, to as many people as possible. However, it is simply not feasible for me to be open about my feelings about the treatment of nonhuman animals here. I have to deal with people on a daily basis who are involved in animal exploitation, in one way or another. At work, I end up talking to hunters, farmers, breeders, and even people involved in rodeos. I can't exactly tell these people what I think about the things they do. I'm pretty sure I would get fired, and it really doesn't seem like a good idea to get on the bad side of everyone who lives in my area.

As much as I hate the activities encouraged by this culture, I do still live here and therefore am required to deal with the locals, whether I like it or not. I feel like, in the long run, it's probably better to be "the vegan girl who gets along okay with everyone" than to be "the angry animal rights activist who antagonizes her neighbors". I still don't like it though. It's not that I actually believe I could change their minds if I did tell them how I feel, but it still feels like a betrayal of my beliefs to stay silent.

As if dealing with this in normal social situations isn't enough, I have to face it even more because of Riley and Tuni. There aren't exactly separate stores for people who want to buy feed for rescued farm animals, and if there were they certainly wouldn't be in West Virginia. This means that every time I have to buy pig food, I have to interact with other people who are buying food for farmed animals, and not one of them is doing it for the same reason I am.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes no matter how hard you try not to, you do have to make compromises, even when it comes to the things that matter most to you. I can only hope that someday this will not be the case, but for now I can see no way around it. I tell myself that, as long as I stay true to my beliefs, it doesn't matter whether I express those beliefs to the rest of the world or not. I'm not certain that I really believe that though.

That's a Little Better

My (online) human interaction went a little better today. I decided to give one more try to the whole commenting on posts thing, and this time I actually got a very nice comment back, and a couple of "likes". So that was cool. Also, someone posted what the called a "vegan friend bomb" and said to comment if you were open to friend requests from others in the group. I commented and now I have so many new vegan friends! Of course, in all likelihood, I will never actually talk to any of them but it's still nice to have them there. Plus, I got a really encouraging comment, from a real-life friend, on yesterday's post which made my situation seem a little less hopeless.

On a totally unrelated note, I'm probably going to post my video tomorrow because I feel like I might have something more interesting to talk about on Wednesday. You see, I have been invited to an Aikido class tomorrow night, and I feel like that is bound to yield interesting talking points.  

Broken

I swear, there is seriously something broken in me that makes it physically impossible for me to have healthy interactions with other people. Every time I say this to anyone they say "No, you just have to try harder." But the harder I try, the worse it gets. It's like I'm just fucking invisible (and inaudible) until someone wants something or sometimes, until someone feels like bitching at somebody.

I've been trying desperately to force myself to talk to people more, in the hope that eventually I will either get better at it or find someone who I feel comfortable talking to, even if only online. Over time, I have joined quite a few vegan groups on Facebook, but I almost never actually participate in any discussions. So a few days ago, I joined this new group and decided "I'm going to participate this time!" Amazingly, I actually have been. I've been answering people's questions, and even offering a little bit of semi-personal information a couple of times. Yet, I have managed to have not one single meaningful interaction with anyone. The only interaction I have had at all was when I somehow managed to incur the wrath of one of my fellow members after offering advice to a different member who had asked about vegan cat food. 

This is why I don't talk to people; it inevitably ends in either disappointment, when I am overlooked entirely, or an increase in my level of misanthropy, when I end up involved in some sort of conflict that I never wanted. Seriously, what is it about the way I communicate that causes people to react with either utter disinterest or unwarranted hostility? 

Guess what? Not that fucking simple!

Ⓥ Cecil

I imagine, by now, you have all heard about what happened to Cecil. Just in case you haven't, the short version is that he was a lion who was a well-loved, and rather iconic, resident of the Hwange National Park in Zimbabwe. He was lured away from the safety of the park and then killed, in a brutal and torturous manner, by a hunter from America, simply because the man wanted him as a "trophy". Everyone from the general public, to animal activists, to celebrities have been outraged by what was done to Cecil, and for good reason. It was unforgivable. However, I feel like everyone who is up-in-arms over Cecil's death is overlooking a very important point that ought to be addressed; namely that, as horrible and heartbreaking as this tragedy was, far worse things are happening to millions of animals every day, and for just as absurd reasons.

Please don't misunderstand me; I am very upset about what happened to Cecil, I'm just not more upset about it than I am about what happens to all of the animals raised for food, clothing, and experimentation everyday, in our society. The hard truth here is that, as awful and painful as Cecil's death must have been, it is nothing compared to the way these other animals die, not to mention the way they live. At least Cecil got a chance to live his life the way he wanted before he died. This is a luxury that the vast majority of animals never get. They never know what it is to have freedom, all they know is pain, loneliness and death. In my opinion, that is the real tragedy, to die having never know any sort of happiness. Cecil was lucky in that aspect; he had his freedom, he had the life he was meant to have, he was loved, and he is missed. No one misses these other animals; they are not given names and therefore, in our minds, might as well never even have existed. They are not mourned, and their deaths are not protested, they are simply forgotten.

I am happy to see that there are so many people willing to stand up and condemn this hunter's actions. I'm ever happier to see how many people are referring to it as "murder." Because that it what it was. Killing for no reason is murder, there is no way around that. Sorry to burst your bubble, hunters, but you are not brave, or impressive, or strong, or whatever it is that you think you are. You are nothing but serial killers with better PR. You kill those who cannot defend themselves and then you take "trophies" to remind yourselves of your own brutality. There is no honor in that.

I only hope that all of this publicity about Cecil will lead people to think a little more about what they feel makes it so unforgivable to kill this one particular animal when so many others are killed everyday. I have seen a lot of people talking about various ways to honor Cecil, and I think that the best way that we could possibly honor him is to do everything we can to stop these sorts of tragedies from happening to any other animals, not matter how famous they are, or what species they are, or whether or not we have bothered to give them names. Because, like it or not, he wasn't so different from any other animal. He was a beautiful living creature, with thoughts, and feelings, and needs, and a soul (whatever that word may mean to you. To me it means the part of him that made him an individual), just like every single other living being.

Goodbye, Cecil. I am truly sorry for what was done to you, and for all of the atrocities committed by our species, against those we see as "lesser".

Ⓥ Mother of All

You know the old saying "Necessity is the mother of invention"? Well, it seems to me that necessity is the mother of......well everything. Necessity is the mother of strength, of patience, of evolution, of adaptation, of education, of everything. Humans, for the most part, are lazy. We do most things when, and only when, we absolutely have to. However, necessity is also a relative term. We can decide what is, or is not necessary. There is a switch in each of our minds that controls which things we see as necessary. We can think about it logically and decide for ourselves what those things are. When we stop thinking about something as optional, we suddenly find that we have access to all of the things that necessity creates.

When we find ourselves in difficult situations, we also find ourselves doing things that we never knew we could. We become better, stronger, smarter, more creative people when we have to. There have been many times in my life when I have done things that I didn't previously think I could. Some of these things you just do, and others you have to work your way up to but, one way or another, being placed in a situation which asks more of you than you thought you were able to give allows you to find parts of yourself you didn't know were there. You find a way to do what needs to be done, whether through brute strength, sheer force of will, creative thinking, or whatever, and you do this simply because you must; because it's necessary.

Why though, do we have to save the best parts of ourselves for times when we absolutely have to use them? The truth is, we don't. We can all choose what is most important to us, and live as if those important things are matters of life and death (and sometimes they really are). We can force ourselves to be our best by simply deciding that we have no other option.

When you talk about animal rights and veganism with the average person, you get lots of responses like "I could never do that!" or "I could never live with (insert random animal product here)." The truth is, yes you can! We all can. It can be difficult, especially at first, but we are strong. We are so much stronger than we realize, and the only thing we have to do to bring out that strength is to decide that we have to. I think that's the real difference between vegans and other people. It's not the we're stronger, or that we don't like those foods as much as other people do, most of the time it's not even that we care more. It's just that we decided that veganism is necessary. Once you've done that, the rest is easy.

Basically, necessity = Eve (from Supernatural).

Sigh of Relief

My camper has finally arrived! It was delivered yesterday evening, and we can now start the process of getting it hooked up. I was honestly starting to think that I might never find anyone to haul it, but this last guy was really very easy to deal with and got it here even sooner than he said he would. There are a few issues that I didn't expect, like a saggy floor in the bedroom, but nothing too terribly bad. I'm actually really excited about it! You can expect a video introduction to my new home on Wednesday!

Behold my new camper!

Homeward Bound

My camper is officially on it's way! So it should be here sometime this evening. I'm still trying not to get overly excited until it's actually sitting in my yard, but the fact that the guy did manage to pick it up and get it on the road seems like a pretty good sign. Once it gets here, we will still have a shit-ton of work to do before I can live in it, but I think I really am on my way to having my own home (small and shitty though it may be).

The more I think about how nice it will be to have my own space, where I can do things the way I want to, the more I think that it will make a huge difference in my life. I truly feel like I will be much less angry and on-edge than I am now, if I can just do things my own way in my own "house". Who knows maybe I'll even get to the point where I truly think of it as home.

I guess I'm not so much homeward bound as my home is meward bound, but close enough.

Ⓥ Vegan Superheroes

Today, I found some seriously cool vegans that I wanted to tell everyone about. I started out looking for Tim Shieff's Facebook page (the link is actually to his YouTube page, because he has some great videos you should all check out). He is an amazing athlete who often speaks out about veganism and animal rights issues.

Anyway, when I found it, I started scrolling through his feed and found a link to a page run by a friend of his who is a vegan stunt man. It's called We See You, and it's full of beautiful images of farmed animals. The goal of the page is to change the way people perceive these animals.

From there, Facebook recommended that I check out Casey Michaels' page. She is another vegan stunt person and apparently she was actually Scarlet Johansson's stunt double in Age of Ultron. So yeah, the real Black Widow? the one who pulled off all of those amazing moves? Vegan! She was also Hit Girl's double on Kickass 2. Plus, she makes a point to proclaim her veganism on her page by calling herself a "vegan stunt performer."

I am always happy to find any public figures who are vegan, especially when they are as open about why they are vegan, as these people are. I am particularly excited though to find people who also manage to prove that veganism can be an asset to the individual as well as to animals and the planet. These people do things that the average person can't even imagine being able to do, and they do them while maintaining a compassionate lifestyle. These are true superheroes, in every sense of the word! They have skills and abilities far beyond those of regular people and they dedicate themselves to protecting the innocent. What could be more heroic than that?  

Pretty sure that's actually Casey.

Once More with Feeling

I finally found someone else to move my camper! He is doing it for the same price that I had agreed on with the first guy, which is nice since everyone else seemed to want twice that much. Supposedly he is going to pick it up on Saturday, and I should have it by Sunday. Also, I think my dad and I are going to go buy some stuff for my pump-house tomorrow, so that I can have running water sometime in the near future. Maybe, just maybe, things are starting to come together. Maybe.

No, Buffy. Not until the thing is actually sitting in my yard.....but then? Definitely! 

The Stupidest Thing Ever!

Would you like to hear the stupidest thing ever? Now you guys know how many stupid things happen to me, so you know that when I say this is "the stupidest thing ever" that is really saying something.

Remember how the guy who was supposed to move my camper backed out because the license pate was expired (and also, kind of, because of the bearings)? Well, as it turns out, the license plate is not in fact expired (also, it turns out that the bearings are good too). Apparently, when the guy who sold me the thing asked me what I was going to do about the license plate, he was just wanting to know if I needed him to leave his (still legal) plate on.

So yeah, now that I have already cancelled the deal with the mover, I find out that every single issues that was keeping him from moving the fucking thing is actually not an issues at all! Unfortunately, I now can't find anyone else who is willing to do it for anything remotely resembling a reasonable price. All of the other companies that bid on my shipment originally are now ignoring me, presumably because they don't want to deal with someone who cancels shipments. So, basically, I am now completely fucked for absolutely no reason at all!

Do you guys remember Freaks and Geeks ^ because it was a really good show.

Back to the Start

My entire life is nothing but running in circles. No matter what I do, I always end up right back where I started. I officially cancelled with the guy who was supposed to move my camper today. Then the guy I bought the camper from emailed me and said that he thought maybe the guy who sold him the camper would be able to move it for me. Also, my mom knows someone who said that her son might be able to haul it for me. Naturally, I thought that having two promising leads was a good sign that I might actually get the thing moved. Well, the guy who used to own the camper apparently bought a smaller truck and can't haul something this big anymore, and the son of the woman my mom knows wants to change me three dollars per mile. By the way, the camper is 585 miles away. So yeah, that's not going to work for me! So now it looks like I'm back to dealing with random strangers on uShip, except that this time no one has bid on it yet. Fucking awesome.

On the upside, I now have this song stuck in my head.....which is nice, since I like this song. 

What a Fucking Surprise!

Remember how I said that I should have my camper soon, as long as nothing went wrong with the transport of it? Well, guess what? It did! The guy who I hired to move it decided that he's not going to move it after all. He says that the tires might not be any good, and the bearings might not be any good, and the license plate is expired. Well, you know what? Those are things that he probably should have considered before I payed for him to haul the fucking thing! I just sort of assumed that someone who moves campers for a living would have the means to move campers that are harder to move. He knew how old the thing was, and that I had bought it on Ebay, before he agreed to move it. Somehow the idea that maybe a thirty year old camper wouldn't be in perfect condition, and might have an expired license plate, didn't occur to him until I had already paid for his services. Now I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do! Obviously, I'm going to try to get my money back, but how am I supposed to find someone who I can count on to move the thing for real. I really thought that going through a service (uShip) that does nothing but connect people who need things moved with people who move things would be a sure-fire way to get the thing moved. Nope! That's the sort of thing that works for normal people, not me! Never me!

Again, Deadpool understands me......well, except for the fact that I don't kill people.

HALP!

Okay, so I didn't tell you guys about this because I didn't want to get ahead of myself and start going on and on about yet another thing that will never actually happen. The problem is, I really need this one to happen or I'm honestly going to fucking snap. I simply cannot continue to live in my dad's house. I've spent my entire life living with other people, and I just need my own fucking space! Like now!

So my mom and I have been looking for a trailer that I can put near my dad's house (because none of my other ideas about getting my own place are anywhere near feasible right now). I actually found one that, while kind of grungy and generally shitty, has everything I need to make it into what I want.

It has a "cathedral ceiling" (which sounds rather absurd in reference to a trailer, but whatever) which is perfect for me, so I can do all of my crazy workouts without crashing into the ceiling, and I could actually set up my stripper pole. It also come with a refrigerator, and a washer and dryer. And it's free!

Here's the problem though, we can't find anyone to haul the fucking thing for me. It's on a hill, at the top of a kind of pot-holey, gravelly, driveway and apparently that's more of a pain in the ass than professional trailer movers are willing to deal with. I mean I would totally understand if they wanted to charge us more for dealing with this, I'm totally fine with that, but we can't find anyone to do it at all.

So, if anyone out there knows of anyone who can, and has the necessary equipment to, move and set up a trailer and would be willing to help me out with this I would greatly appreciate it! Seriously, the fate of my sanity rests on your shoulders!

 

Well, We'll See What Happens

I found this thing online that I desperately want! There are three reasons why I have been forcing myself not to buy it. 1- It is kind of expensive. Really it's not all that expensive, but it's from that shop I found a while back that makes me wish I lived in Lithuania, which means that the shipping would cost me as much as the thing itself. 2- I always feel kind of guilty having things shipped from really far away, you know like from Lithuania, because of the environmental impact. 3- I think there is a good chance that everyone I know will think this thing is stupid, and give me a hard time about it, and I just can't justify dealing with #1 and #2 just so I can be harassed.

So you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to make one myself, from stuff I already had or bought at Goodwill. That way when everyone makes fun of me for it, I can be like "Fuck you. It's environmentally-friendly and it was practically free." Now if I can just make it look halfway decent, I'll be all set.

^This is the thing. Apparently, it's called a "waistbag" and I want it! 

Helpless or Bitchy?

So, my dad and I have been watching Angel lately. Tonight we watched the episode "Billy". This was the episode with the guy who had the (really lovely) power to make any guy he touched become a woman-hating psychopath. Anyway, it was a very feminist episode and, whenever I think about that sort of thing, I always find myself analyzing the different perspectives on feminism and what it means to different people. I know I have talked a little about this in the past, but I think I have a slightly different idea about this stuff than most people do. For example, overall I thought this episode was great, but there where a few things that really bugged me. One was this scene with Cordelia and Lilah where Cordelia convinces Lilah that she should help them because she is a "vicious bitch" and that no vicious bitch would ever put up with someone making her feel helpless. That bugs the shit out of me! I feel like that tends to happen in A LOT of shows. The girl is either, at least somewhat, helpless or, at least somewhat of, a bitch. No one seems to know how to write female characters who are both strong and pleasant to be around. I feel like we need to try a little harder to let women know that you don't have to be an asshole to be strong and take care of yourself.

One of the things I did really like about the episode though was Cordelia's sword fighting, because something that frequently irritates me about "strong female characters" is when you watch them fight and you can tell that, yeah the character is strong but the actress playing her isn't. I thought Charisma Carpenter looked like she could do some serious damage.

Be a Rabbit

I actually started thinking about this after the new Supernatural episode on Tuesday during which Dean, once again, mentioned his aversion to "rabbit food". I think this is something that most vegetarians or vegans have heard at one point or another. I've certainly heard it enough. Omnivores like to refer to plat-based foods as rabbit food in this condescending way, that implies that it is somehow not sufficient for humans. Like "Oh, I could never eat that rabbit food." Or, better yet, imply that we are somehow less capable than them because we do eat it. Like "How can you survive on that rabbit food?" Well, here's the thing that I don't think they realize; rabbits are actually pretty fucking badass when you think about it. Rabbits are;

1- Fast- They can run up to 35 MPH and frequently outrun the carnivores who are trying to eat them.
2- Strong- They can jump more than 36 inches.
3- Sexy- People don't talking about "breeding like rabbits" for nothing.
4- Determined- Have you ever tried to pick up a rabbit who didn't want to be picked up?
5- Smart, the know how to escape from all the many creatures who are always trying to eat them.
6- Energetic- Unlike most carnivores, who pretty much sleep anytime they are not actively hunting, rabbits almost never stop moving.

So here's my question; why is it that people think it's better to be like the big animal with the sharp teeth and claws, who is always killing smaller animals, than to be like the little animal who, despite his small size and lack of sharp claws and teeth, stands up to the big animal on a daily basis? Furthermore, why is it considered a bad thing for us to eat the diet that allows this amazing little creature to do these things? The point is this; we should all be so lucky as to be more like rabbits, and the next time someone tells me I'm eating rabbit food I'm going to say "Thank you."

This is my depiction of a, sort of, post-apocalyptic warrior rabbit. Note the double Samurai swords, pierced ears, and veganarchy tattoo. 

Self-Awareness

One of these days, I really am going to get my shit together and post everyday. Anyway.

I really hate myself sometimes for being as unhappy as I am. I feel like, to an outside observer, my life really doesn't seem all that bad. So what right do I have to feel the way I do about it? Furthermore, I pretty much always hate myself for how incredibly angry I get over the most mundane annoyances. I mean, one tiny thing goes wrong and I'm utterly furious for most of the day. I think I finally figured out though, why it is that I am the way I am. It's not like knowing why is actually going to change anything, but at least I understand now. So here's my theory; I think there are a few basic things that people need to have, or feel that they have, in order to function in an even remotely healthy way.

1- Purpose- People need to have concrete goals to work toward. They need to know where they want to be and what steps they should take in order to get there.
2- Fulfillment- People need to feel that the things they do matter. Their lives need to have value for them.
3- Connection- People need other people. Whether romantic or platonic, people need to feel deep connections with others. They need to feel understood, accepted, and appreciated.
4- Space- People need to have a safe place. They need to have a place to go that feels like their own, a place to get away from the rest of the world and feel at home.
5- Control- People need to feel like they have some small measure of control over what happens to them. They need to feel like they have the ability to shape their own futures, like their choices matter.

The problem is, I don't feel like I have any of these things.

1- I don't know what the fuck my purpose is.
2- I know, for a fact, that nothing I'm doing right now matters in the least.
3- Basically, the only people I even associate with are my immediate family and, half the time, they don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about.
4- I can't even remember when the last time was that I felt "at home" in the place I was living.
5- No matter how hard I try, every choice I make somehow gets me farther and farther from where I want to be.

The point here is this, I have GOT to get some of this shit figured out or I am going to end up spending the rest of my life as a giant fuming ball of rage. I don't have any of the big things that people need in life, so I put far too much importance on the little things. So then, one little thing gets fucked up and my world falls apart. I am basically holding my psyche together with duct tape.

To make up for the fact that this post is so depressing and whiny, here is a picture of Impala being all adorable.