Exciting (ish.....maybe) News

Cat Birth Control (Video)

We may have...may have....had a breakthrough with the whole cat issue! Did you guys know that you could get birth control for cats? because I didn't!

I'm really not even sure why I made this ^ face, but it came up as one of the thumbnail options, and it was too ridiculous to pass up. 

Ⓥ Gets Me Every Time

I am probably the most jaded, desensitized, pessimistic person I know. Nothing really surprises me anymore; nothing really gets to me. Other people hear news stories about death, cruelty, injustice and become very upset about them, but not me. I know how the world is and, though I do want to help stop these things in any way I can, I am not remotely surprised when they happen.

Naturally, the things that always bothered me the most were instances of cruelty toward animals, but even those have ceased to be as powerful as they once were. I have seen so many images and videos, and read so many stories of the horrible things that happen to animals in our world that they no longer impact me the way they did before. They still provoke a sense of sadness for the animals and anger toward the humans responsible, but the feeling is sort of superficial now.

In a way, this is probably a good thing. If I felt the full extent of every terrible thing that humans do to animals, I doubt that I would be able to function at all. However, I still feel a pang of guilt every time I hear about these things and am able to just brush them off. I feel like I should feel these things more deeply; I mean, nothing I could feel seeing pictures of torture could ever compare to what the animals feel having to live through it. I just don't anymore though. I still care. I still desperately want to make things better for them. But I don't feel their pain the way I used to.

There is one thing that still gets to me though; one thing that still brings out a strong emotional response. That thing is children reacting to cruelty toward animals. Many of you have probably seen various videos going around the internet of very young kids learning that the food they are eating came from an animal (or similar situations), and being absolutely heartbroken about it. In some of these videos, the parents respond with compassion, but in others they seem to think of the whole thing as a joke. Either way, I can't help but be deeply moved by these videos.

I think there are two reason why they affect me so much, when nothing else does. First, this is the only situation in which I see anyone respond to the horrors of animal abuse with an appropriate level of revulsion. Children have not yet been desensitized the way the rest of us have, so they are able to react in the way that we all should, when faced with such awful truth. Seeing them feel the pain of this realization so deeply gives me some hope that someday things may actually change. Second, as glad as I am that these children have seen the truth, and as hopeful as I am that, because of that, they may truly be able to make a difference in the world, I can't help but feel sad for them. There is something inherently awful about watching someone's illusions about the world being shattered. They will never be able to recapture the innocence they once had; they will never again truly believe that the world is a good and kind place. I only hope that other people are as deeply affected by these videos as I am, and that they will be inspired to change the way they treat animals. Then, at least, these kids can grow up to know that they have made a difference and the pain they felt was not for nothing.  

I honestly think this is one of the most powerful videos I have ever seen. There is nothing gruesome, just pure, honest emotion and the love and compassion of a child for his friend.

Give It a Shot

Today my sister and I are going to Connector Art's artist and artisan fair in Fairmont, at Palatine Park, if you get a chance you should come check it out. I'm not holding out much hope for actually selling anything, based on past experience with this sort of thing, but you never know I guess. It seems like it might be kind of fun though.

On a totally unrelated note, I think I have everything I need for my Typhoid Mary photo shoot. My swords came yesterday, and I bought the last little pieces for the outfit. I still have to paint the swords and do a little bit of sewing and whatnot. Other than that it's basically ready though. I thinks it's going to be pretty fucking cool.

That's a Little Better

My (online) human interaction went a little better today. I decided to give one more try to the whole commenting on posts thing, and this time I actually got a very nice comment back, and a couple of "likes". So that was cool. Also, someone posted what the called a "vegan friend bomb" and said to comment if you were open to friend requests from others in the group. I commented and now I have so many new vegan friends! Of course, in all likelihood, I will never actually talk to any of them but it's still nice to have them there. Plus, I got a really encouraging comment, from a real-life friend, on yesterday's post which made my situation seem a little less hopeless.

On a totally unrelated note, I'm probably going to post my video tomorrow because I feel like I might have something more interesting to talk about on Wednesday. You see, I have been invited to an Aikido class tomorrow night, and I feel like that is bound to yield interesting talking points.  

My New Home (Video)

Here is the video I promised of my new camper. Don't judge it too harshly, it doesn't look great right now but I think it has a lot of potential.

Look What I Got!

Yesterday, my dad and I went to Home Depot to get some stuff for my camper. We got a hot water tank, and some plumbing stuff (not terribly exciting) but I also got something that I am pretty excited about. Try not to laugh, okay? I bought some of those weird puzzle-piece foam tiles, like they put down in classrooms for small children. Here's my reason, I have been thinking forever about putting some kind of mats down in my exercise room and I thought that, since we have to replace the floor in there anyway, I might as well go ahead and do it the way I want to. I've been working out on various rugs my whole life, and it's just awful! They slide, they don't provide nearly enough cushioning, and (here's my favorite part) they give me fucking rug-burn on my shoulder blades and tailbone when I do sit-ups! Now, for the first time in my life, I might actually be able to do my workout without slightly injuring myself every time.

And I don't even give a shit if it looks like I'm living in a kindergarten classroom.

Sigh of Relief

My camper has finally arrived! It was delivered yesterday evening, and we can now start the process of getting it hooked up. I was honestly starting to think that I might never find anyone to haul it, but this last guy was really very easy to deal with and got it here even sooner than he said he would. There are a few issues that I didn't expect, like a saggy floor in the bedroom, but nothing too terribly bad. I'm actually really excited about it! You can expect a video introduction to my new home on Wednesday!

Behold my new camper!

Homeward Bound

My camper is officially on it's way! So it should be here sometime this evening. I'm still trying not to get overly excited until it's actually sitting in my yard, but the fact that the guy did manage to pick it up and get it on the road seems like a pretty good sign. Once it gets here, we will still have a shit-ton of work to do before I can live in it, but I think I really am on my way to having my own home (small and shitty though it may be).

The more I think about how nice it will be to have my own space, where I can do things the way I want to, the more I think that it will make a huge difference in my life. I truly feel like I will be much less angry and on-edge than I am now, if I can just do things my own way in my own "house". Who knows maybe I'll even get to the point where I truly think of it as home.

I guess I'm not so much homeward bound as my home is meward bound, but close enough.

That Worked Out Well

You know how I'm always bitching about how shitty our internet is here? Well, for the past three days, it has been SUPER shitty. Like, working just enough to make you keep going "Maybe it'll work now!" over, and over, and over again until you want to throw your computer through a wall. Or maybe that's just me? Anyway, today for the first time in weeks I finally manged to make myself get up early; not because I had anything in particular to do, but just because I feel better and get more accomplished that way. Well, guess what? The internet was finally working, so instead of getting anything important accomplished, I spent four hours just fucking around online to make up for not being able to for a few days. I'm telling you guys, my time management skills are impeccable. The good news about all of this wasted time is that I managed to find an Etsy shop run by a vegan/animal rights advocate who makes perfume inspired by various nerdy things; including this one\/ based on Sam Winchester.

Also, she donates some of the proceeds to animal charities! How cool is that? If I had money, I might just buy every one of her perfumes just so I would know what all of my favorite characters smell like.  Here is Dean, by the way. And Cas.   

Sometimes It's Good to Live in a Fantasy World

You know how yesterday I wrote about all the things that I think I would need in order to function properly? Well, for the most part, I have no idea what to do about those things. I either don't know what I want them to be, or I do know but haven't the slightest idea how to achieve them. One thing I do know though, is what I want my home to be like. So sometimes, just to make myself feel better about everything else, I imagine what I would want in my perfect space. Here are a few of the things I think a good home needs.

1- One big open space. As far as I'm concerned, the only room that needs to be separate is the bathroom.
2- Most of the walls covered in shelves.
3- Of the walls that aren't covered in shelves, one should be a huge white board. That way I can keep everything I feel I need to remember in a particular day, clearly in sight.
4- Another wall should be a huge pin-board. That way I can have my own real life Pinterest, in my house.

In the open space I would have;
5- My punching bag.
6- A stripper pole.
7- A pull up bar.
8- A rope to climb.
9- Maybe a clothes line, so I won't have to waste energy using a dryer. Also, since it's me we're talking about here, the clothes line would probably end up doubling as my closet.

10- Everything would be the most ridiculous, bright, semi-obnoxious colors.

Or, you know, I could just live in the Impala with Sam and Dean. Either way. 

The Sandman

I've started reading Neil Gaiman's The Sandman series. It took me a while to get into it because I had heard good things about it, but didn't realize it was actually a comic series when I bought it. It took me a while to get used to the format, but now I'm really enjoying it. Anyway, a couple of interesting things. 1- the story is sort of split up into all of these small sections involving a bunch of different characters that everyone has heard of before. On Tuesday night, I got to a part about Cain and Abel. This was the same night as the Supernatural episode that dealt with the story Cain and Abel. I'm not sure what the Powers that Be were trying to tell me with that one, but I'm fairly certain I don't want to know. 2- There is this one part that I think really sums up an idea that I have been trying to explain to people for years. He says "Ask yourselves, all of you...What power would HELL have if those here imprisoned were NOT able to DREAM of HEAVEN?" Of course, he was actually being literal when he said it, but my point was that it's the idea of what our lives could be, or could have been, that makes what they are seem so shitty. If we all knew this is just what life is, this is how it always is and how it always will be, we could probably deal with it. It's thinking that it could be better if you knew how to make it better, or that you missed your opportunity to make it better, that ruins everything. This has been......Your Depressing Thought for the Day!

It really is a great story though. 

Hey, Check It Out! It Worked!

Observe, if you will, what time I am posting this. It looks like my stupid list idea worked, this time anyway. I actually got up at 6 today, the first time my alarm went off no less. This gave me just over five hours of sleep and, aside from the fact that it's cold and dark and miserable this time of day, I feel pretty decent. So yeah, I just wanted to share my tiny drop of success with you all.

"I don't sleep."

Also, my dad and I started watching Dark Angel the other day. So you can expect Dark Angel references for a while. 

Quest

I find myself much more capable of dealing with my bullshit life when I feel like I have something to look forward to. In fact, if I don't have something to look forward to, I pretty much just turn into a giant fuming ball of red-hot rage. Unfortunately, I just haven't been able to find much of anything worthwhile in my possible future lately. So I've decided to just make a plan and pretend like it's going to happen even though it, almost certainly, won't.

I mentioned before that, some day, I really want to do a Sam and Dean style roadtrip to various haunted places around the country. Well, now I've started reading American Gods and they're on a roadtrip too, because apparently roadside attractions are the holy places of America. If you read the book it actually kind of makes sense, seriously I swear. So now I thinking "I have to do this!"

I have also mentioned that, partly because I never think I will have enough money to buy (or even rent) a house of my own, I want to buy a camper to live in. So, here's my new plan. Find a way to save up enough money to buy a camper (and a car to pull it with) and then go on a quest to see all of the haunted and/or holy places in America.

Who's in? 

My People!

For anyone who doesn't know, I have a tattoo that takes up a large part of my forearm. It has pictures of various animals and says "Vegan" underneath. People at work ask me about it all the time. Usually they say "What does your tattoo say?" or "Can I see your tattoo?" When they realize what it says they either say something like "What does veg-un mean?", make a bad joke, or just look all awkward and say "I like it." obviously hoping that will be the end of the conversation.

So last night, this guy comes up to check out with four kids; his wife was still walking around in the store somewhere. As I'm ringing up their stuff, the guys says to the kids "Look at the lady's tattoo." I turned my arm so the kids could see it, thinking he just wanted them to see the pictures of the animals. Then he asks them "Do you know what that says?" One of the kids, who was probably six or seven says "Vegan". I was totally shocked. Not only did this little kid know how to pronounce it, but he said it like he knew exactly what it meant. Then the guy tells me that he and his wife have been vegetarian for years and that none of the kids have ever had meat. YES! They do exist! 

The Interesting People

Yesterday I mentioned "the interesting people" who came into Goodwill, so today I thought I would go into a bit of detail about them. First, a guy came in looking for things to take apart and use for pieces of a steampunk costume. When he told me about it, he was so happy that I actually knew what steampunk was that he showed me pictures, on his phone, of the stuff he had already made. I will tell you right now, it was pretty badass. The second interesting person was a guy I have seen in the store a couple of times before and I am always impressed by his determination to just not give a fuck about what other people think. He dresses in women's clothes, but nothing over-the-top, sort of what you might call business casual. He is obviously not, however, trying to look like a woman. He has a very traditional male haircut, and a mustache. I happen to think that is pretty fucking cool. He is basically saying "Yeah, I'm a guy and I like to wear women's clothes. So what?" Also, he looks better in those clothes than most of the women I see come through that place.

This is the closest thing I could find to anything that looked like the costume Steampunk Guy was making. 

They Passed Down All the Roads Long Ago

You know what, every once in a while, we actually get some fairly interesting people in the Fairmont Goodwill. When this happens, it makes me think that maybe, just maybe, I'm not entirely doomed after all. Not that I'm saying necessarily that the interesting people I am referring to have anything in common with me (although, sometimes it seems that they might) but the simple fact that they exist in this place make me think that there is a chance that other people like me exist here too. I mean you never know.

Sometimes I am tempted to ask these people if they have seen others like me. 

Road Trip

This weekend my mom, my sister and I are taking a trip to Watkins Glen. The plan is to visit Farm Sanctuary  one day and the gorge the other day. I always love visiting Farm Sanctuary and the gorge is honestly the most beautiful place I have ever seen. It truly doesn't even seem like it should be a real place it's so amazing. It should be a great trip. The problem is, when I do things like this I always have this feeling like it's somehow going to change things, like I'll get back and suddenly everything will be better. That's just not how life works though is it? Anyway, it should still be nice.

This is the best picture I could find of the gorge and it really doesn't do it justice at all. 

Trapped

Periodically it suddenly hits me that I am probably never going to get out of my current situation. I keep convincing myself that things are going to get better, that I am going to find a job that I actually like, that I will be able to afford my own place, that I will have a real social life, etc, etc. Then I realize that is never going to happen. Then, just when I think I am just about as disappointed as I can possibly be with my life, things completely go to shit. Today, I was trying very hard to ignore how much I hate my life. Then, immediately after I got out of the shower, I had to scrub a huge pool of cat piss off the floor, twice! Not only am I entirely  trapped in my shitty life, I am trapped in my shitty life and constantly covered in something disgusting and germ infested. Fan-fucking-tastic!

False Hope or No Hope?

I really can't decide anymore if it's better to have a false sense of hope or to know that things are just going to suck forever. I used to say that I would rather just know for sure that things are the way they are and that's how they are always going to be. I thought that if I could just accept my life the way it is I could learn to be okay with it. At this point though I feel like I need to have something to look forward to, even if it's just an illusion. I hate feeling like I'm always living in a fantasy world, but it seems that's the only way I'm able to live. I feel stupid sometimes for the different plans I've had in the past, the different imagined possibilities I've used to get myself through, but then I realize that at least I was able to make myself function because of them. Some of them were totally unrealistic; some were realistic but utterly stupid. But in the end it doesn't really matter because thinking about them kept my mind occupied and allowed me to keep doing what I needed to do. Honestly, I don't think there is anything more crippling to me than boredom. When I have nothing to plan for, nothing to hope for, I find myself completely immobilized.

I couldn't think of a good image to go with this post, so I did an image search for "immobilized" and found this. I find it very appropriate.