Just In Case I Get Ax-Murdered

Sorry if this is super morbid......I thought it was funny....

Something New

I did, in fact, go to Aikido last night. It was definitely a change of pace from Muay Thai, but I really enjoyed it. I'm still not sure if I will be able to go regularly, since it is on weeknights and I just don't know if I can justify missing a massage to go, but I would like to. For one thing I liked it but, more importantly, I think it would be good for me. Plus, I know someone in the class, so I would have someone to talk to about it who would actually understand, as opposed to just trying to tell my family about it and having them look at me like I'm a lunatic.

The reason I think it would be good for me is because it was totally different from my Muay Thai class. This was much more technical, there were a lot of small very precise movements, as opposed to the more general movements I've been doing in Muay Thai. It was a bit frustrating for me, since I'm not used to having to pay quite so much attention to my movements, but I think it's definitely something that I should learn how to do.

It was also a lot less physically intense than Muay Thai (which did bug me a little, since I kind of like feeling exhausted at the end). Everything I've done so far has been about getting as much force as you can behind every move to get more power, whereas this was about using as little force as possible by turning your opponents' momentum and body weight against them. I admit, some of it was a bit close for my comfort though. Turning the other person's body weight against them usually means having to get right up against them, and I'm not really good with the whole having people in my personal space thing. Of course, that is also probably something I should be working on. Anyway, it was a good experience overall. 

It felt a little bit like this ^ at times.

The Wrong Line of Work

I spent a couple of hours putting up hay, earlier today. It was really fucking hot, and I got really fucking sweaty, and I also got cover head-to-toe with little hay particles, and sort of sunburned. None-the-less, I really don't mind doing that sort of work. I always feel better about myself, and the work I've done when it's 1-something physical, and 2-something with measurable results. I really wish that almost all physical labor type jobs didn't require you to be there ridiculously early. I feel like, if I have to have a job that isn't actually something I want to do, that would be the next best thing. I just can't justify looking for a job that would require me to get up any earlier than I already do (which has been somewhere around 5:00, most days, recently). And skipping my workout (or most of the other things I do in the mornings, for that matter) is out of the question.

I don't share Dean's attitude about this sort of thing. 

Luck or .......Something Else?

Yesterday, a client was telling me about all of the times he had been in the emergency room. I'm really not sure how we ended up talking about that, but it was a rather interesting conversation. After he had gone through this whole list of different injuries and whatnot, I said that I had never been in the emergency room (in fact, I've never been in the hospital at all). He said "You're really lucky." and I was like "Yeah, I guess I am." but the truth is, I think luck had very little to do with it. I'm fairly certain the fact that I have never been in the hospital is due to a combination of taking excellent care of my health and extreme stubbornness.

As I have mentioned, many times, I don't get sick nearly as often (or nearly as badly) as other people. I also think that, on the rare occasions (or the more frequent occasions from back before I was so concerned with being healthy) that I have been much more calm about it than a lot of people. When I was young, I used to get sore throats a lot, and the doctor wanted me to get my tonsils taken out but my parents and I decided against it, and it worked out just fine. There was also the time, back when I was at WVU, when I had a sinus infection for like months and my mom swears that, at one point, it looked like one of my eyes was bulging out of the socket. Again, it eventually went away. I mean it seems to me that in most cases, people get sick, then they get better, why bother with the hospital?

There have been times in my life though, when the sane thing to do probably would have been to go to the emergency room. I know there are plenty of times when I probably should have gotten stitches. There was that time, when I was a kid, that I stepped on a rusty thumb tack and a couple of days later my foot got all red, and swollen, and hot, and I had red stripes running up my leg. There was the time I drove my car off a bridge; I wasn't actually very injured (aside from the air-bag burn all over my face), but I just feel like most people probably would have gotten checked out anyway. There was the time, not so long ago, when I punched a door and got that huge, bulbous, fluid-filled knot on my hand. It turned out to be fine, but at the time I thought I might have permanently ruined it. Not to mention the big, weird, knobby thing that's always on my hand.

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm not so much "lucky" as I am an exceptionally healthy dumb-ass. Plus........

Now There's an Idea!

I just suddenly remembered that I totally forgot to write a post for today. It's not like I have anything exciting to talk about anyway, but I thought I should get something down here. So here's this. I've been on a serious superhero kick lately. I recently realized that I am just a natural born multitasker and that I have a hard time doing just one thing at a time, especially things that are time consuming and/or difficult. My mind gets bored or frustrated and I just end up giving up on whatever it was that I was trying to do. Well since, lately, I have been trying to teach myself how to do all of these new things, sculpting, drawing, making utility-belts, etc, I've been watching movies to keep my mind occupied whilst I struggle endlessly with the things I'm trying to make. For whatever reason I have been mostly interested in watching superhero movies. I already had some and I bought quite a few more from various discount movie bins. So far it has been working pretty well. I don't even notice that it takes me for-fucking-ever to make really small, unimportant, things. An unfortunate side-effect is that I keep finding myself thinking "Hey, you know what would be a lot more fun than making misshapen mugs? Being a fucking superhero!"

Today I watched Daredevil. I found it fairly enjoyable. Plus, I'm thinking that if you can get superpowers just by going blind.........that one seems kind of feasible for me. Just saying. 

It's Sort of a Niche Market

So you know the weird little belt/purse thing I made? Well, I'm thinking about making some other ones and trying to sell them in my Etsy shop, which will hopefully be up and running again sometime in the near future. You see, before I broke down and made one for myself, I looked everywhere; Etsy, Ebay, Amazon, etc. trying to buy one. Every one I could find was; ridiculously overpriced and/or leather and/or in another country and/or goofy looking. So it seems to me that this country has a serious shortage of cute, affordable, vegan, belt-bag things. Also, apparently these things go by many names, one of which is "utility belt" which is definitely what I am going to call them if I start selling them because.........

That's Something, I Guess

Sorry this post is so late, but hey, at least it's here right? Anyway, I just thought I would let you all know that I have, sort of, made a tiny bit of progress. I actually, finally, finished that job I was doing in Fairmont. You know, the one with the painting and the unbearably slow-going border peeling? Yeah, that one. It's done. I should be getting a check for it sometime in the next week. This will hopefully mean that I can buy some materials for all the projects I've been thinking about starting and maybe, maybe, get some stuff made and posted for sale. Also, my dad and I finally fired some of the clay pieces I've been working on, so wish me luck with that. Personally, I'll be pretty fucking thrilled if they don't come out as piles of dust, since neither of us really knew what we were doing and that kiln has been sitting around unused for about a century.

"You took that end and you...well you took it. And that's....well I guess that's somethin." 

In Reference to Yesterday's Post

I'm almost done with this painting/tedious-as-fuck-border-peeling job I've been doing. It's about damn time! I feel like I've been working on it forever, mostly because I spent most of that time snowed in at my house. Anyway, here is my new plan. Once I get this job finished, I'm going to use part of that money to buy a whole bunch of random art supplies. Then I'm going to just lock myself in my house and make a whole bunch of random shit. I'm just going to try everything and see what I like, what I'm good at, and what people might want to buy. I've had all of these ideas about stuff I want to try for years, but I've never taken the time to do it. Well, now I'm going to. Some of the things I want to try are; clay jewelry, metal jewelry, clay mugs, maybe some other clay sculptures, I also want to try drawing things and then writing some of my poems over the drawings, and I'm going to try to come up with something to do with all of these glass jars I've had lying around ever since the recycling place stopped taking glass. I keep trying to force myself to have a halfway normal life, to go out and do things, to try to have some sort of social life, but the truth is that I suck at that! So now I'm going to give the whole crazy, reclusive, artist thing a try.

Here are the things I've made so far. I know, the flower in the bottom center turned out sort of suspiciously shaped. I still think it looks kind of cool though, so whatever.  

More Unrealistic Life-Goals?

I have spent the majority of the last two week snowed in. For a while, it was driving me absolutely insane being unable to go anywhere. However, I have finally gotten used to it (which is super convenient since the weather is supposed to be clearing up in the next couple of days.) and have actually been making pretty good use of my time (at least by my standards, anyway). I have been working on a lot of different little art projects, and have come up with a ton of ideas that I have yet to put into practice. I made a bunch of different little clay designs that I hope to turn into jewelry in some way or another. I'm also considering using the clay to make various other things; I'm thinking some weird, nerdy, funny-shaped mugs might be a lot of fun. I also wrote a short story the other day, which I may or may not end up posting here. It's very odd and kind of disturbing, so we'll see. If nothing else, I figure it was good practice. I seldom write anything other than these diary-type posts and it was kind of nice to write something with an actual story-line. Anyway, the point of all this is; I'm starting to think that maybe, MAYBE, there is a chance that I could actually turn all of this random shit into a source of income. I'm considering reviving my Etsy shop from a while back and trying to sell some weird art and whatnot.

I mean hey, it worked for Priya. That is, until that crazy rich guy decided to get her sent to The Dollhouse. So it's basically a win/win. 

Let Me Explain

Here is my list of all the reasons I can think of that I SHOULD take the bounty hunter training.

1- It is probably the closest I will ever come to doing the things I actually want to do, which are all only viable careers if you live in a fictional world.
2- There is a chance it might actually give me the things I am looking for in a job; meaning, enjoyment, excitement, enough money to live on, a decent amount of personal freedom, etc.
3- I think it might just be the best chance of me ever making use of my, very specialized qualifications.
4- Whenever anyone, specifically my parents, give me advice on what jobs I should try I frequently find myself saying "Do you think I look like someone who could get hired to be a ______?" Well, you know what? I think I kind of do look like someone who could get hired to be a bounty hunter.
5- It would make me feel like a total badass which, as I'm sure you all know, is one of my biggest goals in life.
6- I think there is a god chance it could help me to achieve some of my other goals, like maybe #31, #36, #79, and #83 for example. Or maybe I just think that because I watch too much TV, who knows.
7- The training costs $600, which sounds like kind of a lot of money (at least to me) until I think about how much debt I have from all of the other education I've gotten that ended up doing me absolutely no good. So basically, even if I never use it, it's not that much of a waste when you consider my history.
8- If I don't end up actually working as a bounty hunter, I still think the training may very well be the coolest fucking thing I've ever done. Seriously, just read the schedule and tell me that doesn't sound like THE MOST FUN!
9- According to this site, in WV, the average bounty hunter makes $45,000 a year. Shit, if I could make half that I'd still be doing better than I have with any of my other jobs (sadly).

10- I found this on Pinterest yesterday and I thought to myself "You know what? Okay! I will!"

Well...... Maybe I Am

Do you guys remember, a long time ago, I mentioned the idea of taking training to be a bounty hunter? I suddenly remembered that a couple of days ago and thought "Why didn't I do that?" Well, to be honest, the reason I didn't do it was because it sounds kind of stupid when you say it out loud (or type it). However, when you compare the prospect of becoming a bounty hunter to the prospect of continuing to work doing things that bore the fuck out of me and hating everything for the rest of my life, it doesn't sound quite as stupid anymore. At least I don't think it does. So yeah, I think I might really do it. I'm going to wait until spring because 1-The closest place to do it is in New York and I don't want to pay for it and then not be able to get there because of bad weather or whatever. 2- Maybe I will come up with a better idea, but I doubt it. I think if I was going to come up with a better idea, I would have by now. Anyway, I think maybe for tomorrow I will make list of all the reasons this isn't as ridiculous as it sounds.

Laziness?

I feel like everyone around me probably thinks that I am this lazy useless piece of shit. I think I mentioned before that I have been doing some work on these rental houses in Fairmont? Well, right now, I'm supposed to be removing a wallpaper border and then painting in some of the rooms. I have been going over and working on it for two or three hours a day, instead of just working a few full days and getting it done. I know that would be the logical thing to do, but here's the thing; I just can't make myself do that. I can think "Okay, I am going to go peel wallpaper off the wall for a couple hours." I can't think "I'm going to get up super early and then spend my entire day scratching at a wall." This is causing the job to take forever, and I know I should just hurry up and get it done, but I can't. I don't know how to explain myself to people, because I know how that sounds. It sounds like I'm just being lazy and irresponsible. I can work. I can work hard, I don't mind that. I actually like hard work, but I want it to mean something. I just have some much meaningless shit in my life that I can't handle anymore and, I'm sorry, I just can't find meaning in scraping wallpaper. I have gotten to the point where the thought of spending an entire day doing one more thing that I don't want to do makes me feel like I'm going to spontaneously combust (Is it still called that if you see it coming? I guess that wouldn't be very spontaneous.). I just feel like I already spend all of my time trying to pretend that I don't hate everything as much as I do. Fucking hell! Why does it have to be so hard to find any kind of work that doesn't feel like meaningless bullshit?

What Free Time?

I swear, my brain has this truly remarkable ability to fuck me over at every turn. I was really looking forward to having some free time for a while. I told myself that, now that I don't have to go to work at Goodwill, at least I will be able to get around to doing some of the things I have been wanting to do, and maybe even keep up with all of the housework type shit that I always let get ahead of me. Alas, my brain said "No, no. You will sleep straight through all three of your alarm clocks every day and never, ever, have enough time to do all of the things you want to do." That guy is such an asshole.

It doesn't help that I have a, kind of, sort of, almost, job now pretending to be an electrician. 

And This Time I Mean It

Well everyone, I am officially done with Goodwill. I really mean it this time too. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if I should have just walked out of there instead of working out a notice. If I had done that I would know, for a fact, that I would never end up back there. Right now, I know that if I ever get desperate someday I can always go back there. This is sort of a pattern in my life. I keep ending up in the same places over and over again because I know that I can. "Well, if this doesn't work out, I can always go back to that." Bullshit! That sucked! Why would I want to go back to it? I have begun to realize that there is something to be said for burning bridges. At least that way you know you will be making new mistakes instead of just repeating the old ones time and time again for the rest of your life.

Good News/Bad News

I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I stopped in Goodwill yesterday to pick up my check and I looked at the schedule for next week, and I'm not on it. Today is officially my last day at Goodwill!
The bad news is that, when I stopped in to get my check, I stuck the check in my back pocket and a little while later when I tried to take it out it was gone. We had already left Goodwill, gone to a grocery store and were pulling out of the parking lot when I discovered it was missing. So, naturally we went back to the parking lot we had just left and walked every inch of it. Then we went back into the store. Then we went back to Goodwill, where the manager helped me look for it, even though they were completely bombarded with customers. No luck. The manager said that she would call me if they found it. So I spend the rest of the day being pissed/stressed about it and wondering what I am going to do if I can't find it. Then I get a call from Goodwill. When I saw their number on my phone I was just so incredibly relieved! Then the manager tells me that some woman found my check in the Shop N Save parking lot and that she left her contact information so I could call her and meet her somewhere to pick it up. We were out of that parking lot for literally two minutes before I noticed that the check was gone! If she had just not picked it up, I could have gone back and gotten it and everything would have been fine. Now I have to call some random person and make plans with her just so I can get my fucking paycheck! And I have to pretend that I am grateful to her for picking it up. I know that I should be grateful to her for picking it up, but I'm not. Now I have to go through this awkward social interaction with her to get my check instead of just reaching down and picking it up out of a parking lot. I am a shitty human being.

Conflicting Emotions

Do you ever find yourself hopelessly torn between hoping that something does happen and hoping that it doesn't? I was supposed to be at work right now, but I called off because it snowed and I just couldn't see risking my life and, more importantly, my mom's car (yes, I actually was more concerned about the prospect of fucking up my mom's car than I was of dying) for a job that I am only going to have for a few more days. Anyway, everybody knew there was supposed to be this huge storm coming. I hate snow, hate it with a passion. Yet, when I heard about the storm I was excited because it would mean that I had a good excuse not to go to work. Plus, for the first time in months they had actually scheduled someone to work with me, so if I didn't show up they would still have a cashier. I ended up having this weird internal argument between the part of my mind that wanted the storm to happen and the part that didn't. It went something like this;
"Yay! There's a big snow storm coming!"
"But we hate snow!"
"Yeah, but if it snows we don't have to go to work!"
"But we should go to work because we are quitting and we need the extra money."
"Oh bullshit, we don't need the money that bad. Plus we hate that job."
"We do need the money that bad, and the snow will be just as horrible as going to work."
"Nothing is as horrible as going to work."

And that's how the part of my mind that wanted it to snow won the argument. 

 

It Could Be Hellfire

In case anyone was wondering I am not, in fact, dead. There hasn't been a post for the past couple of days because our internet has been out. I believe this is because The Powers that Be knew that my various online activities were the only things keeping me sane so, naturally, they said "Nope. You can't do that anymore." It does seem to be working again now; which is good because the first day it was out I fucked my hand all up, and the second day I broke the glass in cabinet in the kitchen. I also put in my notice at work. This was probably a terrible idea, because I don't know how I'm going to survive. However, it does give me something to look forward to; a light at the end of the tunnel if you will. Now all I have to do is make it through another two weeks without snapping completely and everything will be.....well.........probably just as bad as it is now except with even less money.

Dean "....it's like there's a light at the end of the tunnel."

Sam "It's hellfire, Dean" 

You Can Tell They Really Trust Us

Last night, I got stuck at work until 10:00. The store closes at 9:00, but we are now required to stay until 9:30. Yesterday was kind of slow so I was REALLY ready to leave by the end of the night. And, because it was slow, I actually managed to get all of my work done on time (which rarely happens). Would you like to know why I ended up having to stay for half an hour after I was supposed to leave? Because the safe in the office wouldn't shut. That's right, I stood around for half an hour staring at the wall because the manager couldn't get the safe closed. She kept typing in the password and it kept going "BEEP BEEEP BEEEEEEEEP" and then not closing. Now you would think that the manager could stay and handle this by herself right? Wrong! The corporate office made a rule that no one is ever allowed to be in the store by him or her self. Apparently they think the temptation to steal other people's old clothes would just be too great for anyone to resist, given the opportunity. I swear to god this place is driving me fucking crazy. Everyday, I have to restrain myself from pulling a Charlie.

I Can Hear Your Pain

Last night was the new episode of Supernatural and, for the first time all season, I actually got to watch it when it came on! I am going to try to talk about it without giving anything away, for anyone who hasn't seen it yet.

Cas now works at a gas station, I feel safe saying that because we learn that in the first five minutes of the episode. Anyway, I honestly find these episodes that focus on Cas trying to figure out how to be human almost as depressing as the episodes where everyone dies. Watching him do all of these mundane human things, the same things that I've always hated doing, and trying to find meaning in it all is just so fucking sad! Not to mention the fact that watching his social interactions is like looking in a goddamn mirror. And I'm not even going to talk about his attempts at romance, I'm just not. It's all just way too familiar. 

His smock even kind of looks like mine; ugly, shapeless, polyester monstrosities! 

*The title is a quote from the episode, by the way. Saying anything more about it would be spoilers. 

Snow = Evil

So it snowed last night. That was awesome (for anyone who might not be aware, I hate snow with a fiery  passion). Aside from the fact that it is cold and generally annoying it also knocked out our internet. Which is why this post is late. It also really makes me question continuing to work at Goodwill (you know, more than I already was). Driving forty minutes each way for minimum wage is bad enough, but driving forty minutes each way for minimum wage IN THE SNOW? Now that's just a bit too much to ask, don't you think? Plus, I'm still driving my mom's car. So if I happened to wreck, not only would I feel like shit, but we would both be without a car.