Who Am I?

So here is my first "throwback Thursday" post. It is the first poem in my poetry book from 2010. 

I am a dreamer without a dream.

I am an artist without an art.

I am a soldier against my own thoughts.

I am a betrayer of my own heart.

I am an activist too scared to act.

I am a lover unable to show love.

I try to be everything at once.

I find that I am nothing at all.

I hide my true desires

behind everything that I pretend to be.

It seems that all the things I really want

conflict with what I want people to see.

I want to take chances

but fear what I might lose.

I want to stand up for my beliefs

but I don't know what I can do.

I want to show how I truly feel 

to let people finally see the real me

but I can't stand to show them all my flaws

or let them know that I am weak.

No wonder I can't make connections

since no one knows who I am.

I wish that I could show them

but I don't know how I can

since I don't even know myself,

who I am or who I want to be.

All of my conflicting traits

don't even make sense to me.

Since I use the image of Spike doing poetry for my new poems, I thought I would use one of him singing for my old poems (because most of them were actually written with songs, not poems, in mind). Also, Buffy's face in this picture pretty nicely conveys the feeling I have about most of my old work.

Fire And Ice (Video)

I was so busy bitching yesterday that I totally forgot it was video day. So here is my video for this week; it's my poem Fire and Ice. I even put in the effort to memorize this one (it's a pretty short one, so it wasn't that much effort).

Empathy

It seems like there are those in this world who are capable of understanding other people's thought processes, and those who are not. I can't quite figure out if this is an inborn ability in some, a learned ability, or something that everyone can do but some choose not to. It just seems like some people's first instinct is to just write someone off as "crazy" or "stupid" or "wrong" or "an asshole" whenever they do something the other person doesn't understand. When I am in this situation, I automatically find myself trying to understand the person's thought process. Even if I don't agree with what someone does, I find that I can usually at least make sense of it. I feel compelled to know why people are the way they are, and what leads them to do the things they do. Do other people actually not have the ability to do this? or do they just not care to? Perhaps it's ironic that I have to ask that question?

My dad and I watched this episode of Battlestar Gallactica the other night, and he kept talking about how crazy they were for doing this. I was like "No, it's...." and went into this long detailed explanation about what each of them were thinking and feeling that led them to this point. Then he was like "Yeah, like I said, they're psychos." (Facepalm)

Introvert-ish

I've always heard that people are basically born either introverts or extroverts, that it's just something that's built right into each of our personalities. I'm not entirely sure that's always the case. I think there may be natural introverts and extroverts, and manufactured introverts and extroverts. I, for one, am definitely an introvert. The very thought of having to deal with people is, at times, just too much for me to handle. However, I think the avoidance of contact with other humans is a learned behavior for me.

There are three reasons I believe this; 1-I have heard that introverts enjoy being alone. I do not. I just don't happen to enjoy being with people either. 2- Supposedly, introverts feel drained after any type of social interaction. I feel drained after the WRONG type of social interaction. If I actually spend time around people I like, I feel better afterwards. 3- I do not believe that I was born with an aversion to social interaction. When I was a kid, I used to love talking to people. I think it was when I went to school and realized that I was not like the other kids that I began to pull back from them.

I don't know that this information will be of any help to me, in my life. It's just something I've been thinking about.

Well, that Makes 300

I've been trying to use every hundredth post as sort of a recap of everything that has happened in my life since the last hundredth post. Unfortunately, very little has happened since post number 200. So, I decided to sort of look back on my life as a whole. Probably a big, big, fucking mistake. But whatever.

Anyway, if I look back on any particular period in my life, I find that I am a completely different person than I was during any other time in my life. If I think about who I was just a couple of years ago, I barely even recognize myself. I look different, act different, feel different. I have different interests, different goals, different desires. Here's the funny thing though, if I look back on myself from ten years ago, I'm nothing like I was two years ago. However, I'm not sure I'm any further from who I am now. Is it really possible for someone to become an entirely different person every couple of years without ever actually getting any closer to being the person they want to be? It seems the answer is yes. I just keep changing and hoping that someday I'll change into something better, but it seems like the only parts of me that stay the same are the parts that continually fuck me over in my life. Happy 300th post! 

Personas

We all have different personas that we use in different areas of our lives, yeah? Well, I guess I got a little too comfortable dividing myself into different parts, because I recently noticed that I do the same thing in my online life. I find that my Facebook has become basically like my normal public persona. I don't really say much. Occasionally I make a polite comment about something someone else has said or done, and every once in a while I share something I think is clever or amusing. This blog is more like a glimpse inside my mind. Here, I say all of the things I'm thinking while I'm making polite conversation, nodding and smiling, or just trying to keep my mouth shut. Pinterest is where I keep all of the things that seem to speak to my very soul. If you look at my boards you will find all of the things that I love for reasons I can't explain, and things that express my thoughts and feelings more honestly than I can ever convince myself to. The one aspect of myself that manages to transcend the boundaries of my different online networks is the same as it is in real life. I do somehow work animal rights into every situation in my life, at least from time to time.

The two sides of Pinterest. 

Business Cards

Last night, when I was making my top ten lists, I mentioned Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (the book, not the movie). There were many things in the book that I absolutely loved, plus Oskar was just a generally cool kid and a vegan! One of my favorite things in the whole book was the fact that he had business cards with general information about himself, along with his various talents. I have often thought, since reading the book, that I should make some of those cards and pass them out to people I find interesting. I think such a thing would be very helpful for those of us who have a hard time starting conversations with people. "Hey, you seem like a cool person. Here's everything you would ever need to know about me. If you like it, send me an email."

I think my cards would be something like this.

                                                               Whitney Metz

Vegan, Blogger, Armchair Activist, Occasional Actual Activist, Self-Proclaimed Badass, Pig/Dog/Cat guardian, Aspiring Witch, (Sort of) Poet, Metaphorical Doormat, Tattoo Enthusiast, Former Massage Therapist, Health/Fitness Nut, Designated Bug Catcher, Self-Control Freak, SciFi/Fantasy Nerd, Environmentalist, Logophile, Former Psychology/Sociology/Apparel Design/Chemistry Major, Misanthrope, Occasional Sesquipedalian, Would Be Demon Hunter/Ghost Hunter/Vampire Slayer, Introvert, Former Farm Sanctuary Volunteer, Semi-Masochist, Procrastinator, Yoga Lover, Misfit, Potential Future Writer, Goodwill Cashier, Compulsive Helper, Jewelry Maker, Pessimist, Steering Wheel Singer, Trash Mouth, Avid Reader, Former Construction Laborer, Germaphobe, Limit Pusher, Social Invalid, Over-thinker, Work in Progress.
Email; Whitneythedryad@vegemail.com

Perhaps someday I'll add to this list "Inventor of Socially Awkward Cards; The business cards for people who don't know how the fuck to interact with humans."

Top Tens

So you know last night when I mentioned "real writing"? Well it turns out I was talking about writing lists.

Here are my top ten favorite things in various categories, not necessarily in any particular order.

Movies:
1-Bold Native
2-Year of the Dog
3-My first Mister
4-Across the Universe
5-The Matrix Trilogy
6-Garden State
7-The Breakfast Club
8-Zombieland
9-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
10-Donnie Darko

Books:
1-The Dark Tower series
2-Farm Sanctuary
3- The Last Unicorn
4-The Shining
5-Looking for Alaska
6-The Folk of the Air
7-The Perks of Being a Wallflower
8-Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
9-Paper Towns
10-Vegan Freak

Musicians:
1-Bob Dylan
2-Bright Eyes
3-The Giving Tree Band
4-Dar Williams
5-The Beatles
6-Mumford and Sons
7-Rise Against
8-Shawn Mullins
9-Elliot Smith
10-Fleet Foxes

TV series:
1-Supernatural
2-Firefly
3-Being Human
4-Buffy
5-Doctor Who
6-Angel
7-Dollhouse
8-Torchwood
9-Sherlock
10-The Invisible Man. I haven't seen it in years, but it was the first show I ever fell in love with so it has to be on the list.

These may not, in fact, be my favorites. I will almost certainly post this and then instantly think of twenty things that should have been here, and be mad at myself for forgetting them. Oh well, these are still all very good things.

Top ten, get it? 

Too Much Information?

I feel like I would probably be just as likely to have a successful relationship with a girl as I would with a guy. Of course, it's impossible for me to know this for sure because, as I have mentioned in the past, I am a pathetic loser who has had a grand total of one relationship in her entire life (that one was with a guy, by the way). However, I know for a fact that there is no physical characteristic that could ever be as important to me as the emotional/moral/psychological traits that the other person would need to have in order for me to be with them (and in order for them to want to be with me). To be honest, I might be better off with a girl anyway because, as I have also mentioned before, I am more of a stereotypical guy than any guy I have ever known. I just don't think I can handle playing the part of the guy, in a relationship with a guy. Unfortunately, this is probably irrelevant because the traits I am looking for probably don't actually exists in anyone of any sex.

The Control Switch

Sorry about the super depressing posts from yesterday guys. I'll try to be a little less disturbing today, but only a little okay?

One of my major goals in life is to get to the point where I can be the person I really am, around other people. I don't think there is anyone in my life who would recognize me if they could see me when I'm alone. I'm not sure how to accomplish this. I don't know if I just need to change the way I think, or if I need to meet the right people, or what. It's like there's this control switch that automatically get turned on when other people are around. It's not something I do on purpose, I mean sometimes I do it on purpose but it happens whether I want it to or not. Everything just gets toned down. If I see something really funny when I'm alone, I might laugh about it for ten minuets but, if someone else is in the room, I could see the same thing and I'd probably just do that weird little scoff thing and that's it. When I'm by myself I sing all the time, sometimes very loudly and enthusiastically, but there have been multiple times when someone has asked me "hey how does that one song go?" and I am incapable of singing it. I will just say the lyrics, even though it's harder for the person to recognize the song that way. Sometimes I get this urge to just do some weird physical activity like climb a tree or hang upside down from the rafters in the pig barn. If I'm alone I go ahead and do it, but there's no way in hell I would do it if someone else was there. There's a good chance that if other people saw this side of me they would just think I'm a lunatic but, who knows, some of them might just think I'm a halfway interesting human being. I don't know I just feel like, if I could learn to leave that control switch off, I might actually have a chance at connecting with people. Unfortunately, I can't seem to do that.

Insert Clever, Sarcastic Title Here

I think I am an exceptionally angry person. I do my best to keep it together and put on this veneer of politeness and normality but right under the surface I am this twisted mass of bitterness and frustration and the veneer is wearing real fucking thin these days. I think I really used to be a nice person, but I don't think I am anymore. I try to be, or at least act like I am, but I am finding it harder and harder to fake. When I interact with most people I smile and make small talk but after a moment I feel this anger seeping through. I can feel it just under my skin and I try to stop it from showing on my face, but I'm never sure how well it works.

Sugar and Spice and ....I Don't Know ....Battery Acid?

I swear I'm more of a guy than any guy I've ever known. I don't do any of the things that girls are expected to do. I don't know how to be cute or flirty. I pride myself on being strong and tough and able to do things by myself. I refuse to get emotional. If I'm going to talk about my problems I will do so in a matter if fact way. I HATE crying. I don't do it and get incredibly uncomfortable when other people do. I don't like shopping or going to the spa or getting my hair done. I don't understand all of that cutesy stuff that girls always do when they're in a relationship. Why should having a boyfriend cause you to act like a five year old? I'm not into fashion. I buy my clothes at Goodwill and wear them until they get holes in them. I have a twisted sense of humor and it's nearly impossible to offend me. You would think guys would like a girl who doesn't do any of the annoying shit that girls usually do, but you would be wrong.

This Is Probably Not Healthy

I am unavoidably drawn to people (real or fictional) who are terribly and irreparably damaged. I don't know what it is, but there is just something so appealing to me about people who are completely fucked up. I think maybe it's that I try so hard to keep my multitude of issues in check, that I find it sort of cathartic to be around those who don't. I am attracted to those who dare to be, on the outside, the deranged mess that I am on the inside. But alas, the percentage of people in the world who are both deranged and vegan is probably near zero.

And All that Was Left Was a Pile of Ash and a To-Do List with Nothing Checked Off

Lately I have had this strange feeling like there is something I'm supposed to be doing. It's like that anxious, nervous, overly energetic feeling you get when you have something really important to do and you're running late. The problem is, I have absolutely nothing going on. My whole life, I have always said that I just want to make a difference in the world and now it's seems my whole body is just creaming that it's tired of waiting. I have this overwhelming urge to do something meaningful, specifically something related to animal rights, but also something physically challenging. It's like my mind, my body and my soul are all feeling painfully underutilized. Unfortunately, I still have no idea what to do. So now I just constantly feel like I'm about to spontaneously combust. Fantastic.

What Fucking Species am I?

I suck at this whole human thing. I swear, sometimes I feel like I don't even speak the same language. I try to talk to people, even people who supposedly know me well, and they just look at me like I'm insane. I just find so many aspects of life to be so incredibly boring and inconsequential.

Let's Get to Know Each Other, Shall We?

I'll start.

5 facts everyone should know about me.
1. I'm a vegan.
2. My goal in life is to do whatever I can to further animal rights.
3. I am in college, studying Psychology.
4. I write so I can feel like I'm connecting with people.
5. I have two dogs, one cat and two pigs (real pigs, not mini-pigs)

5 facts almost no one knows about me.
1.  I never sing around other people, unless the radio is so loud that it drowns me out, but I sing almost constantly when I'm alone.
2. If I really like a TV show/movie/book I will write myself into it, in my head, and come up with storylines for myself. (my real life is painfully dull)
3. A small part of me really believes that someday my life will be like those TV shows/movies/books.
4. I have never been in a physical fight in my life but I really want to, just to see how good I would be at it.
5. When I'm really pissed I tend to punch inanimate objects.

5 embarrassing facts about me
1. I have had a grand total of one romantic relationship in my life.
2. A few years ago I wrote a book of very bad poetry.
3. A while back, I applied for a job as a stripper and they never called me.
4. I once drove a car off a bridge.
5. Two of my toes are grown together.

5 other random facts about me
1. I workout every morning and if I ever skip it I stress about it all day.
2. I almost never offer information about myself but, if you ask, I will tell you pretty much anything.
3. I was homeschooled most of my childhood.
4. I love tattoos. I have eight and would have many more if I could afford them.
5. I am so socially awkward that I find it nearly impossible to make eye contact with people.

So there you have it, pretty much everything you would ever want to know about me. If anyone else feels like sharing, please do so! Also, feel free to friend me on Facebook. http://www.facebook.com/whitney.metz.37?ref=tn_tnmn

Thanks for reading!

Welcome to My New Blog!

I have started multiple blogs in the past and I never manage to stick with them for any length of time.So I am going to do things a bit differently this time. For one thing, I have always tried to write only about animal rights issues and veganism but I find that becomes difficult for me and, I think, boring for my readers. So this blog will still cover animal rights an veganism, but not exclusively. Another issue I tend to have is making my posts too long. Trying to say too much at once makes my posts seem daunting both for me to write and for others to read. So here's the new plan, at least one short post everyday about whatever I think is interesting at the time.

 Here are some things you can expect to see on this blog:

 1. Posts about animal rights and veganism.
 2. Posts about Psychology.
 3. Angry rants.
 4. Painful awkwardness.
 5. General nerdiness.
 6. Posts about health and fitness.
 7. Unnecessary cursing.
 8. Over-enthusiasm about things that probably don't matter.
 9. Under-enthusiasm about things that probably do matter.
 10. Random lists.

 Thanks for reading!