Adventure (Video)

I decided to film one of my poems, to see if I could do a better job on film than I can in front of real people. I still didn't do that great, but I think I did much better than when I performed it live. This is one of my favorite ones that I've written, and I thought it would be a good one to start with. Also, I used the camera my sister bought me a while back this time, instead of the GoPro, and I think the audio came out a lot better. Anyway, I hope you guys like it.

Happy Anniversary!

I almost had to write a post about the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who, didn't I? I mean how could I not? How often does one get to experience an event like this in a society where everything is designed to become obsolete after a short amount of time? I watched The Day of the Doctor during the global simulcast and it was such a strange and wonderful  feeling to know that at that very instant there were millions of people all over the world watching, and feeling, the same thing I was.

Anyway, I am going to attempt to pay homage to the show and the episode while avoiding spoilers as much as possible, for anyone who didn't get a chance to see it. I have found that the writers of the show always come up with new and exciting ways to confuse the fuck out of their audience while making the experience so much fun that the audience doesn't mind being confused. This episode was no exception. It was a great episode and just as fun and crazy as always.  I was so happy to see Ten again! I had almost forgotten how much I loved him. Almost. I thoroughly enjoyed the interaction between the three doctors in the episode as well as all of the references to all of the past doctors. I think the John Hurt character showed us a new side to the doctor that we had never seen before, and I loved his complete bewilderment at seeing his future selves. Overall, it was an excellent episode and a fantastic way to celebrate 50 years of other excellent episodes. I can't wait to see what sort of changes we will witness in the Doctor's personality in the future now that he has a bit less reason for self-loathing (see there was almost a spoiler there, but I reined myself in).

Also, I absolutely loved Billie Piper's wild, post-apocalyptic look! 

What More Can a Girl Ask for?

As I've said about a million times (sorry about that, by the way.) what I really want out of a job is purpose. I want to be able to say that my job means something. However, considering the fact that it may be entirely delusional to think that I could find such a job, I've given a lot of thought to what kinds if things I'm looking for in a regular, just for the money, job. I've come up with;
1-I want something physical to do. I can't handle just sitting around all day.
2-I want to be able to take time off if I want it.
3- I want to be able to work evenings so that I don't have to get up at 3am just to get ready.
4- I don't want to have to have a separate wardrobe to wear to work.
5- I want to stay busy.
6- I want to have enough free-time to do the things I actually care about.
7- I want to do something I'm good at.
8- I want to be able to feel, at least, okay about what I do.
9- I don't want to have to deal with animal products.
10- I want to be able to make enough money to get by.

Then I realize that, except for that last one. I pretty much have all of that at Goodwill. And then I think ......

Festival of Colors

Yesterday, a group of us went to the Festival of Colors. It was held at the Palace of Gold  in Moundsville WV. First of all, may I just say that I am completely amazed that this place exists in WV. It was absolutely beautiful! The buildings were incredibly intricate and detailed. There were these amazing statues everywhere. They had a huge rose garden with varieties of roses I have never seen before. And there was a gorgeous pond full of lily pads and huge lotus blossoms. Then there was the event itself. It was the most fun I have had in a very long time. I had seen pictures of it online many times and always thought "I want to do that someday." but as far as I knew they only did it in India, and I knew I was most likely never going to make it to India. Then I found out they were having it in fucking Moundsville WV! I was more than a little shocked. Everything about it was beautiful. A whole crowd of people covered from head to toe in every color of the rainbow, and then some. Every hour they had a group color toss, during which everyone threw handfuls of color into the air at the same time and created this enormous cloud of swirling dust. Plus the colors were scented with some sort of incense, or something, that had this pleasant lightly rosy smell. The whole thing was fucking fantastic and I'm definitely going back next year!

Caty posted some truly great pictures on Facebook. Check them out! 

I Try to Be My Fucking Best, Okay?

I think I am going to try going back to writing in the mornings for a while. You see, Goodwill completely drains me of any and all inspiration, enthusiasm, and energy that I might have had. So, by the time I get home, I am in no state to come up with anything intelligent or entertaining to say.

Annnnnnnyway, you know how I said I've been doing the whole (stupid, frustrating, infuriating, futile) online dating thing? Well, I talked back and forth a couple of times with this one guy. He seemed a little better than some of the others. He was talking about how exciting his life had been; he'd been to this place, and that place, and done all of these things. When I wrote back I was actually trying to be sort of flirty, but I obviously failed. I said something to the effect of "It sounds like you've had a pretty exciting life. I don't feel like I've had nearly enough excitement in my life." He wrote me back this absurdly long message with all of this cliched bullshit about how the important thing is to just be yourself, and just let things happen the way they are going to, and don't have too many ideas about what your life is supposed to be, and just being a good person is enough. I swear, I've heard this same fucking speech from about thirty different people. Every time I say anything about my life being boring and devoid of meaning, this is what I get. And I'm sorry people, but it is complete and utter bullshit. Life is not about just letting whatever happens happen, and being a good person is not enough. It's about doing things, making things happen, trying to be the best that we can. If we're not going to change anything or accomplish anything then what's the fucking point?

Ripped Apart

I feel as if I am constantly trying to rip myself apart. Every aspect of my being is eternally pulling, shoving, fighting, against all of the others. How can these different facets all exist within the same person, especially when they hate each other so? I have the mind of an artist; striving for creation, for expression. I have the soul of a monk; longing for fulfillment, for meaning. And I have the heart of a warrior, searching for challenge, for victory. These people, these archetypal concepts, that dwell within my consciousness are in a never-ending battle for dominance, for control over my life, my choices. My mind tries to create things of beauty, but my soul asks "what worth is there in beauty?" and my heart bellows "where is the adrenaline rush?" My soul dreams of building a better world, but my mind  cries "I will wither away!" and my heart demands "I must have an enemy to conquer!" My heart tries to make me strong and fearless, but my mind asks "what will that leave behind when you are gone?" and my soul asks "what impact will that make on the world?" I don't know how to please them all and I fear that to satisfy one is to sentence the others to death.

I realized today that it had been quite a long time since I posted any disturbing poetry. This one is a work in progress. 

What Are You Complaining about?

As I mentioned a couple of days ago, my dad and I have started watching Farscape. The basic idea of the show is that an astronaut gets sucked into a wormhole and ends up lost somewhere in the universe with no idea where he is in relation to Earth. He spends a large portion of his time just trying to figure out how to get back home. This concept seems to be a really common theme in the Sci/Fi and Fantasy genres. It seems like someone is always getting lost in some amazing place and then moping and whining about how much they want to go home. Just once I would like to see someone get lost in some distant and magical place and be like "Fuck yeah! I'm staying here! This is so much better than where I come from!" because that's what I would say, if I were in that situation.

Quit you're bitching Crichton! Damn! 

It's Fun If You Pretend It's Really Important

Lately, my mom's ceiling has been leaking water all over her floor; so today I went to her house to help her figure out where the water was coming from. I ended up going up inside the attic to look for moisture. This involved climbing up a ladder and through a hole in the wall into a space that was about a hundred degrees and filled with dirty old insulation. Then I had to carefully crawl across a board that was laying across the rafters, and a few rafters with no board, for about thirty(?) forty(?) feet (I'm terrible at estimating distance) on my hand and knees while carrying a flashlight. It was probably the high point of my week.

I felt like I was Echo, trying to save my original personality wedge.   

All Philosophical and Shit

I have decided to get all philosophical with my post tonight. I also happen to be half asleep, so it may just come out sounding like I'm really stoned. Apologies in advance if that is the case.

Here goes. What is it that makes different people feel differently about things? Why does one person like something and another not? Take food for example; why do some people love broccoli and other people hate it? Does it actually taste different to one person than it does to another? Furthermore, how can any of us actually know what something tastes like to someone else, or sounds like to them, or feels like to them? When you play your favorite song for someone and they hate it, do they really hate the same thing that you love or is it completely different inside their head than it is inside your's? The one that I find myself wondering about the most is physical sensations and biological responses. I, for example, love a good adrenaline rush; my mother, on the other hand, would avoid them at all costs. Why? Why would, say, the thought of jumping out of an airplane fill me with excitement and her with complete terror. Are we, in fact, experiencing the same thing, and interpreting it differently, or are they actually two totally different sensations?

Thank you, Rachel, for pinning this today. I think it's kind of perfect for this post. 

Like Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Only Really Fucking Boring

Whether I'm working or going to school or whatever, every so often I start to feel like I just can't do it anymore. The way I generally handle this is to wait until I feel like, if I have to go one more time, my head is going to explode, then I don't go one day. Weekends and holidays don't seem to work, it has to be a day I'm actually supposed to be there. It's not like I do anything fun or exciting, mostly I just stay home and do all the things I needed to get done but didn't have time for. Anyway, the next day I usually feel better about things and am able to keep going to work or school for at least another month or so, before things start to feel really suffocating again. So yeah, I didn't go to class yesterday. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to have worked so well this time. Awesome.

Qualifications: Volatile, Vegan, Fearless to the Point of Stupidity, Strong, High Pain Tolerance, Burning Desire to Do Things that May Result in Death, Hard Worker.

I haven't mentioned this before because I wasn't sure about it. I'm still not sure, but I have decided to mention it anyway because now I've realized that I need advice! I've been thinking about applying for a job as a police officer. I know it sounds ridiculous! The reason I'm considering it is because I am so fucking bored I think my head is going to explode! I NEED excitement in my life. I need a job that makes me feel alive. The problem is, I live in West Virginia and if I do get this job I will probably just end up arresting a bunch of drunk rednecks and still not doing anything exciting. Plus I don't particularly like authority figures, I hate uniforms, and it has recently come to my attention that I may or may not be able to eat at the Police Academy (since I'm vegan). So here's my question; what should I do with my life? I want a meaningful but exciting job, that doesn't require me to do things I don't believe in, and I can't for the life of me think of a single job that fits that description. HALP!

Is There a Company Somewhere That Hires People to Go Around Kicking the Shit Out of Factory Farmers?

I could be wrong here, but don't most people have a dream job? Doesn't almost every person on the planet have a job that they want to do, even if it's completely unrealistic? I truly don't know what I would do, even if I could choose any job in the world. I have given this a lot of thought because, if I could find it, I would do ANYTHING to get it, but it just doesn't exists. I want to do something truly meaningful, that will allow me to help animals (and maybe people) but that is also exciting. When I say exciting, I really mean life-threatening. I want a job where, at the end of the day, my soul is fulfilled and my heart is pounding.