My Own Stuff

You know how I said that I cleaned the kitchen yesterday? Well, I actually got a whole cabinet and a drawer cleaned out for my stuff. That is much more of an accomplishment than it sounds like, by the way. Our kitchen was completely overflowing with random shit that, for the most part, no one has even seen for years. So I now have my own little section of the kitchen with all my own stuff! I've been gradually buying my own dishes and whatnot, and I've finally gotten most of what I need and now I finally have places to put it all. It's almost like having my own kitchen....well....not really, but kind of......I guess.

Hey, Sam! Just because I don't cook doesn't mean I don't need my own kitchen space, okay?

Laziness?

I feel like everyone around me probably thinks that I am this lazy useless piece of shit. I think I mentioned before that I have been doing some work on these rental houses in Fairmont? Well, right now, I'm supposed to be removing a wallpaper border and then painting in some of the rooms. I have been going over and working on it for two or three hours a day, instead of just working a few full days and getting it done. I know that would be the logical thing to do, but here's the thing; I just can't make myself do that. I can think "Okay, I am going to go peel wallpaper off the wall for a couple hours." I can't think "I'm going to get up super early and then spend my entire day scratching at a wall." This is causing the job to take forever, and I know I should just hurry up and get it done, but I can't. I don't know how to explain myself to people, because I know how that sounds. It sounds like I'm just being lazy and irresponsible. I can work. I can work hard, I don't mind that. I actually like hard work, but I want it to mean something. I just have some much meaningless shit in my life that I can't handle anymore and, I'm sorry, I just can't find meaning in scraping wallpaper. I have gotten to the point where the thought of spending an entire day doing one more thing that I don't want to do makes me feel like I'm going to spontaneously combust (Is it still called that if you see it coming? I guess that wouldn't be very spontaneous.). I just feel like I already spend all of my time trying to pretend that I don't hate everything as much as I do. Fucking hell! Why does it have to be so hard to find any kind of work that doesn't feel like meaningless bullshit?

Conflicting Emotions

Do you ever find yourself hopelessly torn between hoping that something does happen and hoping that it doesn't? I was supposed to be at work right now, but I called off because it snowed and I just couldn't see risking my life and, more importantly, my mom's car (yes, I actually was more concerned about the prospect of fucking up my mom's car than I was of dying) for a job that I am only going to have for a few more days. Anyway, everybody knew there was supposed to be this huge storm coming. I hate snow, hate it with a passion. Yet, when I heard about the storm I was excited because it would mean that I had a good excuse not to go to work. Plus, for the first time in months they had actually scheduled someone to work with me, so if I didn't show up they would still have a cashier. I ended up having this weird internal argument between the part of my mind that wanted the storm to happen and the part that didn't. It went something like this;
"Yay! There's a big snow storm coming!"
"But we hate snow!"
"Yeah, but if it snows we don't have to go to work!"
"But we should go to work because we are quitting and we need the extra money."
"Oh bullshit, we don't need the money that bad. Plus we hate that job."
"We do need the money that bad, and the snow will be just as horrible as going to work."
"Nothing is as horrible as going to work."

And that's how the part of my mind that wanted it to snow won the argument. 

 

It Could Be Hellfire

In case anyone was wondering I am not, in fact, dead. There hasn't been a post for the past couple of days because our internet has been out. I believe this is because The Powers that Be knew that my various online activities were the only things keeping me sane so, naturally, they said "Nope. You can't do that anymore." It does seem to be working again now; which is good because the first day it was out I fucked my hand all up, and the second day I broke the glass in cabinet in the kitchen. I also put in my notice at work. This was probably a terrible idea, because I don't know how I'm going to survive. However, it does give me something to look forward to; a light at the end of the tunnel if you will. Now all I have to do is make it through another two weeks without snapping completely and everything will be.....well.........probably just as bad as it is now except with even less money.

Dean "....it's like there's a light at the end of the tunnel."

Sam "It's hellfire, Dean" 

Volatile Vegan Fitness

For the first time in my life, I am half-way satisfied with the state of my body. Just so you know, I will never be entirely satisfied with the state of my body (or anything else for that matter) because I am obsessive and filled with of self-loathing. However, I feel that at this point I look better and am more physically capable (which, in my opinion, is just as important to one's feelings about his/her body) than I have ever been previously. Anyway, not that anyone cares or has any reason to take my advice, but I just thought I would share some of the things that I believe helped me get to the point where I am.

1- Keep trying different workouts until you find one you actually enjoy.
2- Learn to judge your progress by what you are able to do, instead of visible changes to your body.
3- No matter how tired or generally crappy you feel before you workout, you WILL feel better afterward.
4- No matter what anyone tells you, crunches do not do the same thing as sit-ups. Sorry.
5- Pay attention not just to what exercises you are doing, but how you are doing them. It's amazing how much difference it can make to do things the right way.
6- Pay attention to how your body feels when you workout regularly. I never noticed before that I could actually feel the tone in my muscles when I move.
7- Keep yourself motivated by focusing on how far you've come and think about how great it will be if you keep at it, instead of thinking about how much further you have to go.
8- Do at least a few things that are very hard for you. You will be amazed at how quickly they become easy.
9- Yoga makes other types of exercise easier. I think it's mostly that it teaches you how to breathe, but I'm not sure. I just know it works.
10- Do push-ups. Yes, they suck. Do them anyway.
11- Sometimes being obsessive is good; it helps you not to skip doing things that are good for you.
12- Stop eating shitty food. You will get used to not eating it and soon it won't even look good to you anymore. Eventually it won't even look like food to you anymore.
13- Learn to enjoy challenging yourself.
14- Don't even bother with scales; weight means nothing. I have no idea how much I weigh and I truly don't care.
15- I you ever really feel like doing something physical, do it! Do it right then, because the feeling will pass and then you will wish you could get it back.
16- Don't ever buy food that you know you shouldn't eat. If all you have is healthy food then all you will eat is healthy food.
17- Base your goals only on what YOU want. Ignore other people completely. Work as hard as you have to in order to get to a point where YOU are happy with the way you look and feel.
18- Make a rule for yourself that you will do some type of exercise every day, even if it's just for ten minutes.
19- Find excuses to use you new found strength. You will get addicted to the look on people's faces when they see you doing things that they can't do.
20. Most importantly......... GO VEGAN! It will be the best decision of your life. I promise!

Also, you could consider using soulless Sam as inspiration. It works for me. 

Perhaps Someone Put a Glamour on Me?

There seems to be something about me that causes people to view me as this sweet, innocent (and possibly helpless) little goody-goody. I bugs the shit out of me because it's really just not who I am at all. Furthermore, nothing I do seems to have any effect on it. Yesterday, I was helping one of the guys who works in the back carry some furniture out. It wasn't even anything all that big or heavy, just a couple of cabinets. While we were carrying the first one, he looked all surprised that I was able to carry it and made a comment about me being "pretty tough". With the second one he pointed out my tattoo (which, by the way, is always clearly visible) and said that he didn't realize that I had one. I replied that I actually have eight and he looked totally shocked and then laughed and said "Oh, so you're a bad girl then." which was obviously meant as a joke. These weren't really that big of a deal. I'm just sort of confused by the fact that he didn't think I seemed like someone who would have tattoos. The thing that really annoyed me was that, when I got back, the other cashier grinned and said "So the smallest person ends up carrying the furniture?" I tried to smile back at her, but I'm not entirely sure that it didn't come out looking like a snarl. Because here's the thing; I'm not small! I have seen plenty of small girls around. There are tons of girls who are short, and skinny, and delicate looking. I am not one of them! I'm not short. I'm kind of thin, but I'm toned thin, not bony thin. And no part of me looks the least bit delicate. I have large features, long limbs and really fucking bigs hands for a girl. I'm not small, I'm not weak, and I'm not some "good girl". So what exactly is it that makes people see me that way?

Sam knows what it feels like. 

Also, there is a good chance that tomorrows post will be a list of all the reasons people need to stop treating me like a goody-goody. 

Nostalgia

Tonight I went with my mother, my sister, and my sister's boyfriend to watch the fireworks in Mannington. I really don't like fireworks at all, I get bored with them very easily and the ones that I don't find boring I find annoying. Plus Mannington does everything shittily. However, I hadn't actually left the house in three days, so I thought I might as well go with them.  Anyway, as expected, the fireworks sucked. But we all walked over to the park together to watch them, which was nice. It was funny though, I hadn't been in that park for a long time and it felt weird to be there again. It's not even that I spent all that much time there as a kid, it's just that I automatically associate it, or certain parts of it, with childhood. So anyway, I spent half the time wandering around and looking at the park and marveling at how much it has changed since I was little. It was one of those really sad things that I seem to enjoy for some fucking reason.

Yesterday Was Tuesday Right? But Today Is Tuesday too.

Cliche as it sounds, we really do have the opportunity to change the way we live every day. Each morning when we wake up we can choose to start over and be a different person, or at least change some of our habits. But did you ever notice that, possible though it may be, it never actually seems to work out that way? For me at least, everything makes sense when I go to bed at night. Okay, not everything, in fact almost nothing makes sense, but a few things seem to make sense when I go to bed at night. I always go to sleep thinking "Tomorrow is a new day. I will do things differently." Then I wake up and do everything exactly the same way I did the day before. I wake up and try to remind myself why I thought it was so important to change things and just can't seem to remember. But later, after it's already too late and I have made all the same mistakes all over again, then I remember. By the end of the day I'm telling myself "That's okay. I'll do it differently tomorrow." But I don't. Lately I just keep trying to get myself to actually get out of bed when my clock goes off, but I never do.

Maybe I'll start setting my alarm clock to play Heat of the Moment, to scare myself into getting up. 

"Somehow I'm Leading Someone Else's Life"

"I cut a star down with my knife. And right now, I still see the way the moon plays this tune though our lights died." Someone Else's Life by Joshua Radin

I don't know, maybe everyone feels this way, but I constantly have this feeling that I'm supposed to be somewhere else, doing something else. (By the way, I'm really on my game today, so you guys are getting a song quote AND a reference to Supernatural. Don't you feel lucky?) Anyway, there's this one episode where the angels stick Sam and Dean in this alternate life where they are just regular guys working in an office building and they don't remember who they really are. There is one scene where Sam is talking about how he feels like he belongs somewhere else, how he feels like he is destined for something different. That's how I feel. I mean, as I've mentioned multiple times, I'm bored out of my fucking mind but it's more than that. It's like there's something more important I should be doing, I need to be doing. So, if there's some angel out there who stuck me in the wrong life as some kind of joke or something, you can put me back now okay? Please? I'm not cut out for this pathetic-ass, mundane shit.

I feel his pain. 

Music and (Fictional) Life

Yesterday I talked about the way the music I listen to tends to reflect what's going on in my life. Well, lately my life has been boring as shit, so I have noticed that my music tends to correlate to whatever show I happen to be obsessed with at the time.

When I started watching Firefly I had been listening to the Giving Tree Band for a while. One of their songs has a section that goes "An outlaw's day is never done. One hand on his loot, one hand on his gun. One foot in the grave and one foot on the run. You know it's hard to keep things together." I remember thinking at the time that it would have made almost as good a theme song as "You Can't Take the Sky from Me."

Then I started listening to Dar Williams and shortly after that I started watching Doctor Who. Dar has one song with a line that goes "I thought I had no sense of place or past. Time was too slow but then too fast. The river takes us home at last." Another song contains the line "When Monday morning comes around, I'll get the work done but I'll listen for the sound." I must admit, I always keep my ears open for that sound.

When I was watching Being Human I found this fan video set to Mumford and Sons' "The Cave." I loved it so much that I bought the album and have been listening to it ever since. I have now noticed though that most of the songs actually relate much better to Supernatural than Being Human.

Here is the weirdest one I have found so far though. I was riding in the car with my sister recently and she has Skylar Grey's "Love the Way You Lie Part 3" on her Ipod. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I am half convinced that she actually wrote it about Sam and Dean.

 

"You'll always be my hero even though you've lost your mind." Perfect. 

I Lost My Shoe

Well, my streak of awesome luck continues. As you may have noticed, I usually post here very early in the mornings. Today, for the first time since I started this blog, I made a conscious decision not to post before class. This was because I had homework due today, which I had known about since the first day of class by the way, that I hadn't finished yet. I thought, "Oh well, I'll be done with class by eleven. I'll just post after that." So after class I head to my mom's house, like I always do, expecting to post my new blog and then watch some Netflix. I get there only to find that (surprise!) her internet is out. So that's why this post is so late.

Anyway, this is how I feel.