Maybe.......Maybe Not

I am, once again, considering trying to finish my psychology degree. 

Throw Back Thursdays...?

I've been half considering posting some of my old writing here; mostly because I feel like I'm eventually going to run out of shit to talk about, and that would delay the inevitable for a little while. Are people still doing the Throwback Thursdays thing? I feel like that would be a good(ish) excuse to post old writing. I'm thinking about sharing some of the poems from my ill-fated poetry book from a few (read- more than I care to think about) years ago, also maybe some of the better posts from my old blog, perhaps one or two papers I wrote in college, and possibly even some random excerpts from some of my old notebooks. What do you guys think? Would anyone care to read any of that? I've been skimming through some of it lately, and I feel like most of it's a bit overly dramatic, but also somewhat more creative than the stuff I tend to write now. Could be interesting....or not, I don't know.

The Truth about Me

I feel like I am a totally different person now than I was, say, back in high school; even than I was back when I was going to WVU. I have changed a great deal, both through conscious effort and natural evolution. But there are times I feel like I am still that person I used to be, not just back at WVU or back in high school, but before that. Sometimes I feel like I haven't changed at all over the course of my life. When I think about it, I know that I have. I know that I have grown and learned and become better for it, but then I worry that all of that is in my head and that the people around me will still see me as this goofy, awkward, unattractive child, and that I will never be able to get past that.

Does anyone know the episode (Restless) of Buffy where Willow had the dream that everyone kept telling her that people would find out "the truth about her" or "about the real her." That's what I feel like sometimes; like the person I think of myself as is just this illusion I've created and that everyone knows that but me. 

It's My Own Fault

Yesterday, I was talking to someone at work about college. We were talking about how we had both gone to college multiple times and neither of us had ever actually finished our degrees. She studied psychology too, by the way. Anyway, she was saying how, the first time she started school, she ended up getting married and moving away. Then the second time, she got pregnant. And the third time, she got pregnant again. Those seem like pretty legitimate excuses for not finishing school. I'm just sitting there thinking "Yeah, I just kept getting bored."

So, I was looking for an image from any of the huge number of times either of the Winchesters have talked about how everything in the world is their fault. Instead I found this, and thought to myself "What in the fuck?!" and also "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" So here you go. 

Thoughts on Love Part 7: Implications

Okay, so this isn't so much Thought on Love as it is Thoughts Inspired by Thoughts on Love, but oh well. Thinking about all of this has made me realize a few things about my life and myself.

1- I am capable of Love. What I may or may not be capable of is trusting anyone to love me back. This does make me feel a bit better, though it likely won't make my life any better in the long run.

2- If I am ever going to find anyone who genuinely cares about me, I am going to have to stop trying to prove that I am worthwhile and wait to see who will believe that I am anyway.

3- I have to learn to judge my own feelings by this same standard. I have a tendency to try to make my emotions make logical sense and that simply isn't how human emotions work. I need to remember that.

4- I feel infinitely better about things when I understand them, even if it makes no practical difference for me in real life. This is especially true of things about my own thought processes. I HATE not understanding exactly how I feel or why I feel that way. I think this was one of the last subjects that I still didn't have a good handle on, until now.

5- (I think) I am going to go back to school next fall. No matter how much I may hate so many aspects of college, Psychology really does fascinate me. I feel like maybe I actually could make some kind of difference in the world if I can manage to finish my degree.

Mayhap I will be a school counselor. It worked for Buffy.

Well, it sort of did. 

Thoughts on Love Part 4: Perspective

Once I realized what it was about the way the animals behaved towards me that bothered me so much, I started to realize that this same issue has been my biggest problem in all of my relationships throughout my life. I have never really felt that I had anyone who I could count on to WANT to be around me no matter what. I have a few who I know would be there for me if I really needed them, but I hate feeling like it would be because they had to be. So I end up regarding most of my relationships as transactions. "As long as I have something to offer, they will want to be around me." I'm sure that in some cases this is all in my head, but I know for a fact that in some cases it is not. Back when I was at WVU, I used to do everything I possibly could to make myself useful to my group of friends, because I knew that it was what I did for them that made them want to spend time with me. Shockingly, I lost touch with them after I left school. Go figure. It's not that they were bad people or anything. None of them ever set out to use me. I just didn't have whatever it would have taken for them to want to be around me just for myself. Most of the time, I think even the people who care for me the most still wish that I could be something other than what I am. This is a large part of the reason I am always trying to tone down my emotions when I'm around other people. If they knew how I really felt, it would be more than they would want to deal with.

That's right, there are still more of these. I think I may have gone a bit overboard. 

How Did I Not See This?

Yesterday, I was looking for a particular picture on Facebook. So I'm scrolling back through my old pictures and, at some point, I realize that the picture I'm looking for isn't there. However, I have become so wrapped up in looking at old pictures of myself that I just keep scrolling. I was horrified to find that the pictures just got worse and worse the further back I went (until I got to my time at WVU and then they got slightly better again). It was so bad that I was legitimately angry by the time I got to the end of them. I mean, I knew I was never happy with the way I looked. Now I know why. It's because I looked like shit! It also kind of makes me paranoid that I actually look like shit now and just don't realize it. Because I know damn well that I didn't realize I looked that bad back then or I would have done something about it.

Who is this and what is that growth protruding form her lower abdomen? Also, look at that arm; no muscle tone whatsoever. It looks like a fucking tentacle.  

Maybe I'm Being Unreasonable?

Remember the whole online dating thing? Well, I have been talking to this one guy for around two weeks now, and he seemed pretty cool. Yesterday, he gave me his real email address (as opposed to the one through Vegan Passions). I was actually really happy about it, because I felt like that meant that things were progressing. So I emailed him and was all excited waiting for him to email me back. Then, the first official email I get from him makes me think "Yeah, this is not going to go anywhere." He is a self-proclaimed "music snob" which is fine, as long as he doesn't act all condescending about my taste in music, which he kind of did. Another thing that pissed me off  in this email was that he asked me if I was finished with school. Which, as you all know, I'm not. However, I am 26 so most people would assume that I am either finished with college or that I didn't go. The fact that he asked about it kind of made me feel like what he really wanted to ask was "So you're not really planning on being a cashier forever, right?" And I hope I don't end up being a cashier forever, but if I do, I would hope that he would be able to respect me anyway. I don't really feel like he would. Also, I feel comfortable bitching about him here because, despite the fact that I mentioned my writing at least twice, he didn't ask about it. If I met someone I was interested in and I found out that they wrote a blog, I would be dying to read it and find out how their mind works. Not him.

I swear, it seems like every person who ever shows an interest in me, is only interested in me in theory. When I actually start talking about myself they zone out, which is really weird in this case because I basically outlined my entire personality on my profile. It kind of makes me wonder if he even bothered to read the damn thing.

Get it? Because she seemed really nice and like she was really interested in Sam, then it turned out that she was actually a demon. (Unfair?) 

Business Cards

Last night, when I was making my top ten lists, I mentioned Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (the book, not the movie). There were many things in the book that I absolutely loved, plus Oskar was just a generally cool kid and a vegan! One of my favorite things in the whole book was the fact that he had business cards with general information about himself, along with his various talents. I have often thought, since reading the book, that I should make some of those cards and pass them out to people I find interesting. I think such a thing would be very helpful for those of us who have a hard time starting conversations with people. "Hey, you seem like a cool person. Here's everything you would ever need to know about me. If you like it, send me an email."

I think my cards would be something like this.

                                                               Whitney Metz

Vegan, Blogger, Armchair Activist, Occasional Actual Activist, Self-Proclaimed Badass, Pig/Dog/Cat guardian, Aspiring Witch, (Sort of) Poet, Metaphorical Doormat, Tattoo Enthusiast, Former Massage Therapist, Health/Fitness Nut, Designated Bug Catcher, Self-Control Freak, SciFi/Fantasy Nerd, Environmentalist, Logophile, Former Psychology/Sociology/Apparel Design/Chemistry Major, Misanthrope, Occasional Sesquipedalian, Would Be Demon Hunter/Ghost Hunter/Vampire Slayer, Introvert, Former Farm Sanctuary Volunteer, Semi-Masochist, Procrastinator, Yoga Lover, Misfit, Potential Future Writer, Goodwill Cashier, Compulsive Helper, Jewelry Maker, Pessimist, Steering Wheel Singer, Trash Mouth, Avid Reader, Former Construction Laborer, Germaphobe, Limit Pusher, Social Invalid, Over-thinker, Work in Progress.
Email; Whitneythedryad@vegemail.com

Perhaps someday I'll add to this list "Inventor of Socially Awkward Cards; The business cards for people who don't know how the fuck to interact with humans."

Okay?!

I warned you. Here is the list of reasons why people need to stop treating me like some weak, innocent, little, pussy.

1- I have eight tattoos (and didn't whine for a second during any of them, just so you know)
2- I spent two months trudging through snow up to my knees in, frequently single-digit temperatures.
3- I spent another two months lifting trash cans full of shit and wet straw over my head.
4- I once let someone shoot me in the back with a paintball, just for shits. It leaves a fairly massive bruise, by the way.
5- I seem to have completely lost my ability to become afraid, which is pretty cool actually.
6- I worked construction for a while.
7- I work out for an hour and a half every day. This includes my power yoga DVD, twenty push-ups, twenty triangle push-ups, and fifty sit-ups.
8- I can eat spicier food than anyone else I've ever met, and usually enjoy it.
9- I haven't taken any sort of pain killer for over ten years, probably closer to fifteen. No matter what.
10- I have been bitten by a remarkable assortment of animals.
11- I applied for a job as a stripper (it's not my fault they didn't hire me).
12- I was threatened by a Brahma bull.
13- I no longer remember how many speeding tickets I have had (at least four).
14- I kicked a giant dent in the trunk of my car.
15- When I was at WVU, I was one of maybe three people I knew who could drink 151 without a chaser and without making a terrible face.
16- I can kick you in the face if I want, yes you.
17- One of the knuckles on my right hand is permanently kind of weird now, from punching solid objects.
18- I once tasted pepper spray, again just for shits.
19- I genuinely enjoy pushing my body to it's limits, just to see what I can do.
20- I have never gotten stitches, even though I probably should have multiple times.
21- I do not scream.
22- I do not cry.
23- I have probably heard every disturbing, offensive, horrifying joke that ever existed; thanks to the guys I used to hang out with at WVU.
24- Sometimes I like to go running outside in the pitch dark, just to freak myself out a little.
25- I seem to have exceptionally strong bones. I have never broken one despite doing just as many, probably quite a few more, dangerous and injurious things as the average person.
26- I truly don't mind (most types of) pain.
27- I sometimes wish that someone would try to mug me or something, just so I can see if I could take them.
28- I absolutely refuse to go to the doctor or take any kind of medications ever. If something is ever wrong with me, I just wait it out.
29- As anyone who reads this has undoubtedly noticed, I talk like a fucking sailor. Of course I don't talk like this at work or anything, because I don't feel like getting fired, but the rest of the time.
30- I may very well end up liberating some animals someday, but shhhhhh, don't tell anyone.
31- I was the only girl who even took the physical test for the police department, and I passed when at least two guys didn't.
32- I have made myself watch an absurd number of animal cruelty/ factory farming videos because I don't want to try to convince people of something that I haven't seen for myself.
33- I have almost no concern for my own safety.
34- I think really awful things about people, all the time.
35- It's just who I fucking am okay?!

I Don't Know Why

I have this inherent need to feel tough all the time. I was thinking today about some of the things I do to make myself feel like a badass. Then I thought "You know what? It's been too long since I posted a completely pointless list!" So here you go.

1. Drink black coffee. I don't know exactly why this makes me feel tough, but it does. Back when I was at WVU, drinking 151 had a similar effect. 

2. Refuse to sleep in, even when I don't have anything to do. 

3. Wear basically the same clothes whether it's 15 degrees or 98 degrees outside. 

4. Make myself do every exercise on on the DVD just a little more intensely than they tell me to. 

5. Carry furniture at work every chance I get. 

6. Occasionally challenge myself by eating food that is hotter than even I like it. Those who know me can tell you that is pretty fucking hot. 

7. Refuse to show most emotions. 

8. Constantly try to do things that I was previously unable to do. (Currently, I'm working on pull-ups)

9. Refuse to treat wounds, even though this results is nasty looking scars from unimpressive injuries. 

10. Never show fear; not during scary movies, not that time I went to Fright Farm, not when people intentionally try to scare me, not when I got threatened by Ed the Brahma bull. 

I had intended to go with the classic version of this, with Neil deGrasse Tyson. However, this owl looks totally unimpressed, and I thought that was more appropriate. 

There Must Be Some Mistake

I got my final grades back today and I really don't understand how this happened, but I ended up with four As and one B. I honestly have no idea how that is possible. I was expecting at least two or three Bs, and I would have been pretty much thrilled with a C in the one class that I did get a B in. Once again, I feel like a huge dumbass for deciding not to come back next semester. How can something be so easy and so hard at the same time? Furthermore, what the fuck is my problem?

Celebration! (I guess)

Sorry there was no post last night. Hughesnet decided to let me go ahead and write a posts and then cut out just as I tried to post it. Anyway, here it is.

So today was my last final; I am officially done with school. Well, I'm officially done with this semester, I've just decided to be done with school. I think for the most part my finals went okay. A couple of my classes are worrying me a little, but I'm not even sure why. Since I've decided not to go back next semester, I'm just not sure why I even care what my grades are like. Anyway, no it's time to figure out what the fuck I'm doing now. That should be fun.

Hooray for Finals Week

I'm fairly certain that I severely fucked up my final this morning. I can only hope that my As on the first three tests will make up for the monumentally terrible score I expect on this one. Needless to say, my grades this semester are definitely not going to be as good as last semester and possibly not good at all. I find the idea of ending up with shitty final grades unpleasant, but apparently not unpleasant enough to actually motivate me to study for the final exams. I guess it's a good thing I'm not going back next semester.

Tabula Rasa

So here's another one of those weird recurring themes I see in my life. About three weeks ago, in my development class, we learned about the theory of Tabula Rasa. It means "blank slate" and basically the theory is that we are born as nothing. Everything that we are is developed throughout our lives. I don't really agree with this. I feel that there is something more to us that is there from the time we are born. That's not really the point though. The point is; I have now seen this term three times in the last three weeks. A couple of weeks after we learned about it in class, I was watching Buffy and there was an episode titled "Tabula Rasa." Then a couple days ago my mom and I started watching Lost, and guess what, another episode with the name "Tabula Rasa." As usual, this probably isn't as weird as I think it is, but whatever, it feels weird. So what's the message here? The only thing I can think of is "start over." You know, give myself a blank slate and do things differently. In what sense though? I keep thinking that I'm supposed to start over as a new person; finally be the person I want to be instead of the person I've always been. Unfortunately, I've tried that before and it didn't work. Who knows, maybe this time it will.

Remember That Thing That Seemed Really Cool and Then Ended Up Being Terrible?

Back when I was going to WVU, I used to listen to music all the time. I had all this great music on my computer and I would pretty much hide in my room and listen to it, instead of interacting with my roommates. I feel like since then I haven't been listening to very much music, and I miss it. My taste used to be really varied and I feel like now I listen to the same two or three bands all the time. Most of the reason I had such a large collection back at WVU was because I had just discovered LimeWire. Does anyone even remember that? I think it was around for a few months before everyone realized that it was eating their computers, which is what happened to mine by the way. Back then I fucking loved it though! I could find pretty much any song I could imagine, even though I liked a lot of really weird, obscure stuff. I also had a ton of classic rock and I had forgotten how much I love it. I actually have Supernatural to thank for reminding me how great classic rock is. I just might make a lists of all the amazing songs that show has introduced (or reintroduced) me to for tomorrow's post.

Love

Yesterday I wrote about all of my unrealistic relationship requirements. Then today, in my personality class, we were supposed to be talking about Maslow's hierarchy of needs and we ended up spending the entire class talking about love. It was a really interesting lecture, although rather depressing for someone who has pretty much resigned herself to a life devoid of it. Anyway, apparently Maslow had this theory that there are two levels of love. One he called D love; D means deficiency. This is the kind of love that is basically just about people not wanting to be alone, they are just trying to fill their own needs for love and acceptance. Then there is the higher level which is called B love; B is for belonging. This is a higher, more mature form of love in which both people actually try to fill the other's needs and feel good when they are able to do so. This made me wonder how many people ever actually achieve that higher level. How much of our love is genuine and how much is just people being afraid to be alone? So there's your happy thought for the day.

Productivity

So I actually had a semi-productive day today. I wrote two pages on one of my school papers. I cleaned my nasty-ass carpets (which meant first fixing the belt on the vacuum cleaner. That was a bit of an ordeal), I cut and dyed my hair, I did laundry and best of all I watched two episodes each of Merlin, Doctor Who and Supernatural. That's right, that counts as productive for me.

Fun?

Very soon the semester is going to be over. This signifies two things 1- I am going to be very relieved. 2- I am going to be very bored. Obviously, I am going to have to find a job. Whether I get the police job or not, I have to get some kind of job or I'm not going to be able to eat, but I also need to have something to do with my time. You know what would be really great? If sometime over the summer I could manage to actually find something that I enjoy doing. Maybe some sort of social activity? Something fun? I don't even think I understand the concept of fun anymore; in fact, I'm not sure I ever did. There was a time when I thought I was having fun, but in retrospect it seems kind of awful.

Spring? Is That You?

Of course the day when I have a pile of homework to do ends up being the nicest day we've had this year. This is why, tomorrow, I am going to try to make myself get up around 3:00am so I can finish the paper that I didn't finish today. Instead of finishing my paper, I went for a walk with my mom and my sister; and my dad took me up on the hill and let me shoot at a rock. I must say, that was a very interesting though highly uncomfortable experience. I imagine I will get used to it (assuming that becomes necessary).