Connection

I should be alone. I'm lonely when I'm alone, but that's better than what I am when I'm with others; always faking, always angry. Because the truth is I'm always alone. I move with them, act like them, pretend to be one of them, but I'm not one of them. I don't belong in my family, in my country, anywhere. I take off my glasses when I'm in public because I think I look better that way, as if it matters what I look like. My poor vision turns them all into monsters. Their faces blurred and distorted. Are they looking at me? I can't tell. I don't know if this makes it better or worse. I feel like they are all staring at me, and yet I am invisible. I am an uneasy presence they can all sense, so they squint their eyes and try to make out what it is they feel but can't see. Everyone is looking at me, but no one sees me. I just want to be seen. One small connection. A guy holds the door for me. I thank him. He smiles. A connection. Thirty seconds, no more. I think about it for the rest of the day. How pathetic is that?