Straight Edge-ish

Many vegan health nuts, like me, consider themselves to be straight edge. While I completely understand their reasons, I don't share their motivation. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. I haven't done any of those things for years, but it's not because I don't believe in them or even because they're unhealthy. The only reason I don't smoke is because cigarettes are too fucking expensive and, as far as I know, there is a grand total of one brand that doesn't conduct animal testing. The reason I don't drink or do drugs is because, for whatever reason, they seem to have the opposite effect on me that they do on other people. Alcohol does not make me feel relaxed or help me to be more outgoing. It turns me into a nervous wreck. As soon as I start to feel that lowering of inhibitions that most people enjoy so much, I freak out. I can't stand feeling out of control and I just end up trying even harder to act normally. The only drug I've ever used it pot, because after seeing the effect it had on me there was no way in hell I was trying anything harder. I tried it twice. The first time it was just miserable. I felt confused and paranoid and had this sense that time was not passing. The second time was fucking disturbing. I had this intense image of myself, literally, smashing my own face in with a book. It was so vivid that I honestly wasn't sure if it was real or not. I often think that my life would be a lot easier if I could escape my own mind with various substances like other people do but, unfortunately, I don't seem to have that option.