Hey, People Have Been Believing Random Shit They Read in Books for Thousands of Years

How do we ever know if we are on the right paths in our lives? Every time I make a decision about what direction I'm going to go, something shifts and changes everything. Sometimes it's just my own perception that changes, but many times it's not. I've never thought the idea of fate made much sense, but I swear it seems like something out there is either trying to push me in a direction that I can't seem to find or it's just trying to screw me over, one or the other. There is this one concept that I've always loved. It's actually from The Dark Tower series by Stephen King. I know that sounds stupid, but it's a cool idea, so bear with me. It's called Ka and it's sort of a combination of fate and free will. Basically the idea is, if you're doing what you're supposed to be doing, things will just line up for you. I keep thinking that someday I'll find the right path and things will actually start to work out for me, for the first time in my life. So far it just looks like the universe hates me.

Someday We'll Look Back on This and Laugh

It's funny how events tend to lose their emotional charge over time. Actually no wait, it's not funny, it's dangerous, or at least it is for me. My ability to remember what happened, but inability to remember how I felt about it, has caused me to repeat past mistakes on multiple occasions. I look back on my past and think that it seems good, or at least better than what I'm doing now. I have done this with, almost, every job I've ever had and I do it A LOT when I think about when I lived in Morgantown. I think "I had friends" "I had things to do" "I went to parties" but I can never remember exactly how I felt. I know I was really unhappy. I remember that, but I can't feel it, so I can't remember why. It seems like I should have been having the time of my life, but I know I wasn't. How am I ever supposed to know if I'm making progress in my life or not if I always think the past was better than the present?

The Control Switch

Sorry about the super depressing posts from yesterday guys. I'll try to be a little less disturbing today, but only a little okay?

One of my major goals in life is to get to the point where I can be the person I really am, around other people. I don't think there is anyone in my life who would recognize me if they could see me when I'm alone. I'm not sure how to accomplish this. I don't know if I just need to change the way I think, or if I need to meet the right people, or what. It's like there's this control switch that automatically get turned on when other people are around. It's not something I do on purpose, I mean sometimes I do it on purpose but it happens whether I want it to or not. Everything just gets toned down. If I see something really funny when I'm alone, I might laugh about it for ten minuets but, if someone else is in the room, I could see the same thing and I'd probably just do that weird little scoff thing and that's it. When I'm by myself I sing all the time, sometimes very loudly and enthusiastically, but there have been multiple times when someone has asked me "hey how does that one song go?" and I am incapable of singing it. I will just say the lyrics, even though it's harder for the person to recognize the song that way. Sometimes I get this urge to just do some weird physical activity like climb a tree or hang upside down from the rafters in the pig barn. If I'm alone I go ahead and do it, but there's no way in hell I would do it if someone else was there. There's a good chance that if other people saw this side of me they would just think I'm a lunatic but, who knows, some of them might just think I'm a halfway interesting human being. I don't know I just feel like, if I could learn to leave that control switch off, I might actually have a chance at connecting with people. Unfortunately, I can't seem to do that.

Straight Edge-ish

Many vegan health nuts, like me, consider themselves to be straight edge. While I completely understand their reasons, I don't share their motivation. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. I haven't done any of those things for years, but it's not because I don't believe in them or even because they're unhealthy. The only reason I don't smoke is because cigarettes are too fucking expensive and, as far as I know, there is a grand total of one brand that doesn't conduct animal testing. The reason I don't drink or do drugs is because, for whatever reason, they seem to have the opposite effect on me that they do on other people. Alcohol does not make me feel relaxed or help me to be more outgoing. It turns me into a nervous wreck. As soon as I start to feel that lowering of inhibitions that most people enjoy so much, I freak out. I can't stand feeling out of control and I just end up trying even harder to act normally. The only drug I've ever used it pot, because after seeing the effect it had on me there was no way in hell I was trying anything harder. I tried it twice. The first time it was just miserable. I felt confused and paranoid and had this sense that time was not passing. The second time was fucking disturbing. I had this intense image of myself, literally, smashing my own face in with a book. It was so vivid that I honestly wasn't sure if it was real or not. I often think that my life would be a lot easier if I could escape my own mind with various substances like other people do but, unfortunately, I don't seem to have that option.

Insert Clever, Sarcastic Title Here

I think I am an exceptionally angry person. I do my best to keep it together and put on this veneer of politeness and normality but right under the surface I am this twisted mass of bitterness and frustration and the veneer is wearing real fucking thin these days. I think I really used to be a nice person, but I don't think I am anymore. I try to be, or at least act like I am, but I am finding it harder and harder to fake. When I interact with most people I smile and make small talk but after a moment I feel this anger seeping through. I can feel it just under my skin and I try to stop it from showing on my face, but I'm never sure how well it works.

Looking Forward

Since that whole Mayan prophecy thing didn't work out, I guess I actually have to plan for the next year (shit!). I'm usually not much for the new years resolution thing because, honestly, if something is important enough that I feel I need to make a resolution about it, I just go ahead and do it regardless of what time of year it is. Still, I have thought of some things that I would like to accomplish in the coming year. So here is my list of thirteen things I want to do in 2013.

1. Keep up with this blog, and hopefully write more for The Flaming Vegan as well.
2. Make it through another year of college. More As would be nice, but I'm not going to be devastated if I don't get them.
3. Do some serious activism, leafleting, protests, something.
4. Get an article published.
5. Find a job, or some way of making money, that I don't hate.
6. Improve my social skills.
7. Take a martial arts class.
8. Be less angry.
9. Learn to do pull ups (or at least one)
10. Be more creative.
11. Let the person I am on the outside be more like the person I am on the inside.
12. Go back to Farm Sanctuary.
13. Learn to say things that need to be said, even if it's uncomfortable.

Playing Chicken with Stationary Objects

I have worn glasses for years now. I used to wear contacts, but then I found out that all of the companies that make contacts test on animals and I REFUSE to support companies that do that. So I started wearing glasses. For a long time it didn't really bother me that much. I mean I never liked them, but it just wasn't a big deal to me. Lately I have come to hate the way I look in them. I feel like some people look good in glasses, I am not one of them. Other people have a sense of style that works really well with glasses, I am not one of those either. So I've decided that I'm just not going to wear them. If I crash into walls, so be it, I'm tired of these fucking things. So if you ever see me out anywhere and think I'm ignoring you, it's probably juts that you look like a giant amorphous smear to me. Also, don't worry, I'll still wear my glasses when I drive.