Not What You Think

I've mentioned before how I have this desire to understand what makes people act the way they do. I like to understand people. I feel like, in a lot of ways, this makes them easier to deal with. If you know why people are the way they are, and what they are thinking and feeling that causes them to behave a certain way, it makes it easier to accept the things they do without getting angry at them.

There is another side to this though that is a bit less helpful. When you understand what makes people act the way they do, you also tend to understand what you really are to those people. I feel like other people have a certain level of blissful ignorance when it comes to what others really feel about them. That's not the case for me. I know who I am to the people around me. I know what makes me valuable (or not valuable) to them.

I think people in general have this tendency to pick out certain aspects of a person and let those things represent the whole person. That's not really how people are though. We are complex creatures and can not be defined by just a few characteristics. I'm not going to get specific here, because I don't want to create any unnecessary conflict, but I think that nearly everyone I know (or ever have know) sees me as something very specific. They see me as whatever role it is that I play in their lives, or whatever trait seems most salient to them, or (sometimes) as a symbol of something that they think I represent.

I mean, I understand why this happens. We try to make sense of the things around us, even people, and I think I probably make even less sense than the average person. Because of this, the people around me just pick and choose what they want to see in me. To them, I am whatever they want me to be, and I usually play along.

Whenever I think about this topic (which is probably more often than it's healthy to think about such things) I generally find myself humming this song.

The Illusion of Freedom

So you know how I was trying to buy a trailer? and I just couldn't seem to get anyone to move one for me? Well, I've been thinking about it and I'm thinking that maybe I was going about this the wrong way anyway. I know I'm kind of just rationalizing here, but hear me out. I had talked years ago about living in a camping trailer, then I (sort of) decided against it because I thought it would be too small for me to workout in. Well, I just realized that a regular trailer really wouldn't be all that much roomier. I mean, they're still really narrow and most of them have somewhat low ceilings. So if I'm willing to live in one of those, how much worse could it be to live in a camper? In fact, I feel like it could actually be better in some ways.

See, for a long time I've been kind of torn about the idea of investing any money in a place of my own here. I just keep thinking that someday I will move somewhere else, and then any money and time that I spent on making a place for myself will be wasted because I'll have to leave it behind. The great thing about a camper though, is that it could go anywhere I go. If someday I have an opportunity to leave, I can just do it. Not only would I have the ability to move, but having a camper would actually make it easier. I wouldn't even necessarily have to worry about finding a place to stay when I get to wherever I end up going. There are RV parks all over the place. So wherever I go, I will always have a place to stay. I know this is probably something that will never happen, and I'm just being delusional here. But, you know what? Sometimes delusions are all we have.

Plus, as an added bonus, I wouldn't have to worry about finding a professional to haul it for me. I just have to find a camper close enough that I can go pick it up. Also, as another added bonus, it will automatically be cheaper on heat/electricity/etc. And, to be honest, I just think they're cooler than regular trailers. Somehow I just feel like living in a camper is a personal choice, whereas living in a trailer is something you do because you can't afford to live in a real house.

Yeah.....thanks for that.

To Be (In Debt) or Not to Be (In Debt)?

You remember when I mentioned that I was thinking about taking a nutrition class? Well, I'm seriously starting to think about doing it. I just feel like I need to do something with my life. I need to find some way to make some sort of progress. I'm still not sure that it's something that will be particularly fulfilling for me but, at the very least, it should give me some useful information. The problem is, it will put me even further in debt. I'm almost, almost, done paying off my first student loan (from massage therapy school) and it just seems kind of stupid to immediately add more debt right back on. So what do you guys think? Worth it?

While (obviously) not the same line, this is David Tennant as Hamlet.

This Is Why I Don't Have Friends

I went grocery shopping today and twice I realized, too late, that I should have tried to interact with people I encountered. I just do not have whatever it is that allows most people to talk to other people, especially people they don't know. I know, for a fact, that other people meet new people at random places and end up getting to know them. I don't know how to do that. I just don't.

Quick back-story, Kroger has an "in" door, and an "out" door. While both are clearly marked, the "in" door is easily wide enough for two people to pass comfortably, while the "out" door is just barely wide enough for one person. So when someone comes in the "out" door, whoever is trying to get out has to either push them out of the way or wait. Well, I'm trying to leave three people barge in through the "out" door. Naturally, I back up and wait politely for them to get out of the way, while mentally cussing them out. The last guy is taking for-fucking-ever! So, finally, I look up to see why he is walking so very ridiculously slow....and he's staring right at me, and smiling. Now, probably, I should have smiled back and maybe even said something to him. Instead I sort of nodded and ducked around him to get outside.

Honestly, I'm not terribly upset about not talking to the guy at Kroger because, whether he was flirting with me or not, he was being super annoying. This one I am upset about though. I was checking out at Target and the girl running the register says "Did you make your necklace?" I smiled in her general direction (without actually making eye-contact) and said "Yeah, I did." Then she said "I like it." I smiled again (still not really at her) and said "Thank you." Then there was the standard "Have a nice day." "You too." and I left. Afterward, it occurred to me that my necklace says "Vegan" on it. Probably most people wouldn't make a point to say that they liked a necklace that says vegan on it unless they are also vegan. I mean, maybe some people would but I feel like there is a good chance that I spoke to another vegan today and basically blew her off. What is my problem? Why can't I get this whole social interaction thing?

Also, again after I left, I realized that while I was shopping I noticed a copy of the Thug Kitchen cookbook displayed in a very prominent place. When I saw it I was really excited that 1- a vegan cookbook would be in a place like Target at all, and 2- That someone would put it right out in the open, where everyone walking by would be sure to see it. After the whole thing with the necklace I thought "You know what would be a good reason for a vegan cookbook to be displayed like that at Target? If there was a vegan working there, and she put it on that display!" Of course, there is always the possibility that I'm being stupid here, and she wasn't a vegan, and the book was just a coincidence, but I still just feel like I missed yet another opportunity to connect with a like-minded person. Fuck my truly pathetic social skills!

I'm still really happy they have this ^ at Target though.

Ⓥ Discrepancy

I think socializing is more of a challenge for me than it is for most people. I assume this is mostly due to the fact that there are two distinct sides to my personality that often seem to conflict with one another. Because veganism and animal rights are the most important things to me, I'm always trying to connect with other vegans. I just feel like I can't be totally comfortable with non-vegans. It seems like having a shared belief system should automatically gives us a deeper connection.

The problem with this is that, to some extent, some of the stereotypes about vegans tend to hold true. Vegans in general do tend to be rather emotionally sensitive, peaceful, and loving people. This makes perfect sense; obviously those who are more empathetic would be more likely to care about the lives of others, both human and non-human. The thing is though, I'm not like that. I'm not a particularly sensitive person. In fact, I sort of pride myself on being completely unsentimental and unflappable. This makes it very hard for me to communicate with people who I should, logically, have every reason to get along with perfectly.

On the other hand, the people who I have a somewhat easier time talking to are often those who I ultimately have nothing in common with, other than a basic communication style. I like talking to people with dark or twisted senses of humor and a fondness for sarcasm. Unfortunately for me, it seems that there are very few vegans who fit this description.

It's also a problem for me to find other vegans who share any of my interests outside of animal rights. I have a propensity for things that are exciting, dangerous, violent (martial arts and the like), painful, etc. Most vegans don't seem to be interested in those sorts of things. I can totally understand that, it does appear to be a bit of a contradiction. However, I don't see why it has to be. Why do people have to be emotionally sensitive to see the inherent injustice of the way animals are treated in our society? Is there some rule that says that you can't be "tough" and still compassionate? I don't think so. I mean, when you think about it, what's more tough than protecting the innocent? Isn't that pretty much the strongest thing one can do?

It seems to me that even those who are totally okay with other types of violence should still be bothered by violence toward those who have done absolutely nothing to deserve it. Even those who have little tolerance for overly emotional people should have sympathy for the pain of those who are genuinely suffering. I guess I just don't understand why there aren't more angry, sarcastic, thrill-seeking vegans out there.  

Overthinking

Does anyone else find that they are only good at things when they can manage to not think about them? Pretty much everything I try to do, I do better if I can keep myself from actually focusing on what I'm trying to do. I don't know for sure, but I feel like most people concentrate on doing things when they aren't sure if hey can do them or not. Not me. I can do so much more when I don't think about it than when I do. It's like my brain intentionally tries to fuck me over. No matter what I'm doing, thinking about it makes automatically makes it shitty. I mean, even just speaking becomes difficult when I think too much about what I'm trying to say. I can have a half-way decent conversation if I just talk without thinking about it, but when I'm really trying to make a point I end up sounding like a dumb-ass.

The time when it's must obvious though is when trying to develop a new skill. Lately I've been practicing jumping up and swinging on the rafters in the pig barn. Sometimes I can do it right the first time, other times I miss four or five times in a row. The only difference is whether or not I can stop myself from thinking about what I'm trying to do. Of course, the problem is that knowing that I need to not think about it makes it damn near impossible to not think about it. It's super fucking annoying. I don't know why my brain does this to me!

Pig Barn Pull-Ups (Video)

My sister was kind enough to come and film for me, so I could show you guys how I do pull-ups in the pig barn. Sorry the lighting is kind of shitty. Also, please ignore the ridiculous boots.