Alright Universe This Is Your Last Chance

So I've decided that I'm going to go ahead and see this police thing through. I called them back today and I'm going to get fingerprinted on the 14th. I thought about it, and I still feel like it's my best shot at actually feeling like I'm doing something worthwhile with my life. I'm sure, if I actually manage to get the job, there will be things I won't like but I think it might be the closest I will ever get to doing what I want to do.

Plus as stupid as this is, I can't help but feel like there has to be some reason why things keep happening the way they do. Most of the time it really just seems like something out there is trying to drive me insane, but I keep trying to believe that eventually it might work out for the best. I really had given up on this job. Then I was just about to apply for another one, or several. If I had actually accepted another job before I heard from the police department I wouldn't have wanted to turn it down. So who knows, maybe I heard from them now because the universe knew that it was almost too late.

I'm telling you what though, if nothing good comes out of this I'm not paying attention to anymore "signs" from the universe ever again. I'm just going to assume that something out there is just fucking with me for the fun of it. I mean it universe! This is it!

Shitty, Shitty Timing

I swear, the timing in my life is fucking ridiculous! You know how I've been waiting to hear about that police job basically forever at this point? Well, about a week ago, I decided that I just couldn't wait anymore, so I started looking for other jobs. At first I was really disappointed, because I was convinced that I REALLY wanted this job. When I decided that I couldn't wait around for them anymore I started telling myself that it probably wasn't right for me anyway. I started thinking about all of the reasons it was a bad idea, things like; "It will probably be really boring." "I hate uniforms!" "I might not even be able to do it because of the food issue at the academy." "I'll probably have to write tickets/ arrest people for things I don't think should be illegal." etc. I think these are actually all valid. Anyway, I finally had myself convinced that I was better off without this job. Plus I found three or four jobs in the paper that I was going to apply for. Then guess what? Today I get a call from the police department! I didn't answer it and I really don't know what to say when I call them back. I tried to get all excited about it, but now all I can think about is all of those reasons I told myself I didn't want it. This is how things always seem to happen for me. I only get things I want after I have given up on ever getting them and convinced myself that I didn't really want them in the first place.

If I Ever Build My Own House

I am thinking about doing a series of post called "If I Ever" in which I fantasize about all the things I would do if I could. This one is about the house I would have if I could build one that was exactly the way I want.

1. It will be basically one giant room, because I love the feel of open floor plans.
2. It will be only as big as I absolutely need.
3. It will have only hard floors, the easier to clean when the inevitable animal related mess happens.
4. It will have solar panels.
5. It will have at least one wall of all mirrors, so I can actually see whether or not I'm doing the moves right when I work out.
6. It will not have cable or satellite.
7. It will have a punching bag.
8. It may or may not have a stripper pole.
9. It will be full of ridiculous decorations.
10. It just might look like this

Eureka! Maybe...... I don't know.....

So I had sort of an epiphany today, or maybe it was a stroke, who knows. Anyway, I had an interesting idea. The idea was this; you know how if you say, or even just think about, a word too much it loses all of it's meaning? Well, what if that works with everything? What if you can focus on anything and eventually it will cease to have any impact on you? Well, I decided to try it out. The yoga workout I've been doing has a few poses that are fairly painful. I actually don't mind the ones that are really painful, but there are several that are just highly uncomfortable, and those bug me. Normally, I try to distract myself from the "pain" by thinking about something else, focusing on my breaths, singing to myself in my head. That never actually works though, I just end up thinking about how uncomfortable I am, counting how many breaths it takes to get through the pose, or paying attention to how far into a song I have to get before I'm finished. So today I decided to try something different. Instead of trying to ignore it, I just focused all of my attention on the spot that hurt the most. I was somewhat surprised to find that it actually worked. After a few seconds of focusing exclusively on the pain, it basically stopped hurting. I'm tempted to try it on psychological issues, but I'm thinking that has an equal chance of resulting in a much better outlook on life or a complete breakdown.

Ch-Ch-Changes

I am seriously considering growing out my hair. I know this is a rather boring topic for a post, but it's a pretty big deal for me. This haircut is the closest I've ever come to actually liking my hair. However, I've had my hair this way for SEVERAL years now and I'm starting to get really bored of it. Here's the thing though, for me, changing my hair actually means dealing with an incredibly annoying and lengthy process of waiting for it to grow to a manageable length. When it does grow out I will have to try, once again, to find a way to tame the ridiculous mess that it will become. Also, if I grow it out I think I will have to find a new color too. Every time I have tried to grow out my hair, I have found that red+frizzy= clown. I'm thinking either dark brown or black.

Otherwise maybe I'll go for something like this. I've always sort of wanted to. 

Tabula Rasa

So here's another one of those weird recurring themes I see in my life. About three weeks ago, in my development class, we learned about the theory of Tabula Rasa. It means "blank slate" and basically the theory is that we are born as nothing. Everything that we are is developed throughout our lives. I don't really agree with this. I feel that there is something more to us that is there from the time we are born. That's not really the point though. The point is; I have now seen this term three times in the last three weeks. A couple of weeks after we learned about it in class, I was watching Buffy and there was an episode titled "Tabula Rasa." Then a couple days ago my mom and I started watching Lost, and guess what, another episode with the name "Tabula Rasa." As usual, this probably isn't as weird as I think it is, but whatever, it feels weird. So what's the message here? The only thing I can think of is "start over." You know, give myself a blank slate and do things differently. In what sense though? I keep thinking that I'm supposed to start over as a new person; finally be the person I want to be instead of the person I've always been. Unfortunately, I've tried that before and it didn't work. Who knows, maybe this time it will.

Short Bitchy Post

Sometimes I wonder why I bother with half the shit I do. I feel like about ninety percent of my time is spent doing things that I feel compelled/obligated to do, but actually accomplish nothing (this blog for example). The one that really bugs me though is the amount of time and effort I spend trying to stay in shape. I mean what fucking good does it do me? It's not like anybody notices. I put all of this work into my body so that no one can even look at it except me. I do love feeling strong and capable, but every once in a while it hits me that I don't really need to be. I wish that I had the sort of life that would require me to have all of these great physical abilities, but I don't. Mostly I just put in a fuck ton of effort for absolutely no reason.