Boring-Ass Update

I just wanted to let everyone know that so far I'm actually sticking to the whole (mostly) raw food thing. The only non-raw things I have been eating are coffee ( Fuck you, I'm not giving up my coffee!) and almond and cashew butters, which I'm putting on raw fruit to make it seem more like an actual meal. I know that's sort of cheating, but I just don't see how it can make that much difference, so whatever. Anyway, it seems to be working pretty well this time. I feel good and I'm not starving all the time like I was when I tried this before. Yeah, sorry I didn't have anything interesting to say today. Hopefully I'll have better material tomorrow.

Something. Anything!

It's amazing how much my physical state depends upon my emotional state. I can have a ridiculous overabundance of energy, or feel like I can barely move. It all depends on whether or not there is anything going on that I give a shit about. The situation in which this causes me the most trouble is trying to get up in the mornings. Most mornings, when my clock first goes off, I actually wake up fairly easily. The problem is, whatever I have to do that day never seems quite as appealing as going back to sleep "for just a few minutes". So I end up hitting my snooze button multiple times, getting up too late to do everything I needed to do and, usually, showing up late for class. Many times, I hit the snooze so many times that I eventually sleep through my clock altogether and wake an hour or more late (like today). On the rare occasion that I have something to look forward to, even if it's something completely stupid, I wake up ready to go. As I said though, rare. My point is, I need to find something, anything, to look forward to each day or I am going to end up failing all of my classes because I can't get up in time to get there. Okay, if I'm being completely honest here which, as I mentioned the other day, I am; even on the days when I do oversleep by an hour or more I still have more than enough time to make it to class. I would just have to skip doing one of the many things that are, sadly, more important to me than making it to class. These things include; my hour and a half long workout, checking my email, and writing this blog, among other things. I guess what I'm trying to say here is......

Where Do I Belong? Where Do I Fit?

At this point in my life I feel like one of the things I want most is just to have my own space. I have been living with other people my whole life and I am just not good at it. I am far too neurotic and weird and have far to strange a sleep schedule to live with anyone else. The germ thing is the biggest issue. No matter how careful I am about keeping certain things clean, as long as I'm sharing a space, things are going to get "contaminated." It's not just that though. It takes me for fucking ever to get ready in the mornings, so sharing a bathroom with another person is a giant pain in the ass. I get up absurdly early in the mornings and have to tip toe around trying not to wake other people up (and I usually fail). I have an infinitely easier time getting going in the mornings if I can play music, which I can't when someone else is sleeping. I fucking hate TV. If it were up to me I wouldn't even have cable or satellite or anything. On the other hand, I can watch Netflix all damn day. I sing all the time when I'm alone and, living with other people, I have to constantly remind myself not to do that. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have a place that really feels like mine.

Despite all of this, from time to time, I think that what I really want is not my own place but to share a place with someone who makes all of this bullshit seem worth it. Probably never going to happen.

Furthermore, I wan to live here. 

*The title is a quote form Being Human and is to be read with an Irish accent. 

My "People Skills" Are "Rusty"

Some of you may be wondering why it is that I frequently post such overly personal and/or awkward and/or embarrassing information here. Well, I'll tell you why; it's because my people skills suck. I am terrible at dealing with people, I am terrible at talking to people, and I am REALLY terrible at telling people things about myself. I can know someone for years, have a million conversations with them and still never actually tell them anything significant about myself. Even with the people I am closest to, who I assume know most of what there is to know about me, I usually can't actually bring myself to talk about very personal things. So for the longest time, people just didn't know anything about me. I don't think most of them really cared to anyway, but still. I just got tired of keeping everything to myself. I got tired of feeling like I was ashamed of so much of who I am. So I decided to just be completely open about everything. I'm not going to hide things anymore. It's too exhausting and, to be honest, I don't really care that much what people think anymore. The way I see it, if I'm completely honest it will weed out the people who I shouldn't be wasting my time on in the first place and whoever is left, those are the people who I should be focusing on. This all sounds great right? But unfortunately, deciding to become an open book doesn't fix the original problem, which is my inability to talk to people. So I bring all of my confessions here to be seen by anyone who might possibly give a shit, whether they are my family or closest friends or some random-ass person from the other side of the world. This is my way of feeling a connection. So thanks for reading, whoever you are.

Too Much Information?

I feel like I would probably be just as likely to have a successful relationship with a girl as I would with a guy. Of course, it's impossible for me to know this for sure because, as I have mentioned in the past, I am a pathetic loser who has had a grand total of one relationship in her entire life (that one was with a guy, by the way). However, I know for a fact that there is no physical characteristic that could ever be as important to me as the emotional/moral/psychological traits that the other person would need to have in order for me to be with them (and in order for them to want to be with me). To be honest, I might be better off with a girl anyway because, as I have also mentioned before, I am more of a stereotypical guy than any guy I have ever known. I just don't think I can handle playing the part of the guy, in a relationship with a guy. Unfortunately, this is probably irrelevant because the traits I am looking for probably don't actually exists in anyone of any sex.

Persona

The other day in my Theories of Personality class, the professor was telling us about our project that will be due at the end of the semester. Shockingly, I am actually kind of excited about it. It's about personas which, for anyone who doesn't know, are the images of ourselves that we use in different situations. The word actually derives from the Latin word for mask. So they are basically masks that we put on for other people. For the project, we have to write a paper about our different personas and how and when we use them. Then we have to come up with some way of depicting them in a presentation. This just sounds like such a cool idea to me. I have always found the whole idea of personas really interesting, partly because I myself make very good use of them. I feel like I am never the same person in any two situations. We also have to discuss our anima (the male expression of femininity) or animus (female expression of masculinity) and our shadow (the part of ourselves that we keep hidden). That last part makes me a little nervous, but I still think it could be pretty cool. Anyway, I was trying to think of a really unique way to present my different selves, and I think I came up with a pretty good one, tattoos. Tattoos are already a way for us to change the way we are seen by the rest of the world. They are a physical representation of our inner selves, so I think it would be really appropriate to use them for this project. I'm thinking I will have someone take pictures of all of my tattoos and then assign each one to represent one of my personas. Or I guess I could just strip in class so everyone could see them for real, but that might be frowned upon.

I Can Totally Get Into Those.... Totally.

Anyone who has read much of his blog has probably noticed that I am a teeny bit obsessed with fitness. It's mostly for reasons of health and strength, but I do also obsess about the appearance of my body. I have this weird thing about always wanting to wear a smaller size. It's really stupid. I will buy clothes (specifically jeans) that are smaller instead of ones that fit better. It makes absolutely no sense because it's much more flattering to wear a size that actually fits, but no! I have wear ones that are highly uncomfortable and squeeze my back fat making me look fatter, just so that I can feel like I'm thinner because I'm wearing a smaller size. I need to work on this.