Who Said That?

The other day I had this funny line stuck in my head, and it was bugging the shit out of me because I couldn't remember where it came from. I kept trying to figure out who said it, or even what show it was from. I knew it was something that I had just heard recently, so I kept running through all of the shows I had watched in the past couple of days waiting for one to click. When that didn't work, I tried thinking about different characters from shows I had watched, trying to determine which of them would have been likely to say it. No luck. Finally, after it had been making me crazy for the better part of a day, I realized that it was something that had actually been said to me in real life. That's how little social interaction I have; I just assume that anything I've ever heard must have been from a fictional character. Rather pathetic.

Speaking of my unhealthy attachment to fictional characters, the season premier of Supernatural is tonight! I am ridiculously fucking excited about it! 

Not Exactly What I Was Going For

On a somewhat related note to yesterday's post, I feel like my workouts almost never actually deliver the results I was hoping for. Instead, the parts of my body that I'm trying to work on take for-fucking-ever to show any change at all, meanwhile I end up gaining more muscle than I necessarily wanted in other areas. The things is though, I still don't want to give up on those parts of my workout because I am at least getting some kind of results.

There is a chance that I may eventually end up looking like them ^

I Really Didn't Need Another Reason to Hate the Cold

I have come to a point in my life where I really can't base my self-worth on my accomplishments in life (you know, because I never actually accomplish anything). So, at this point, pretty much all positive feelings I have about myself come from my physical abilities. If I can do something today that I couldn't do yesterday, then I get to feel good about myself. This is sort of okay actually, because that is something that I feel I have a fair amount of control over, at least compared to other aspects of my life. I work hard, I get better, I feel good. Seems fair. Of course, the inverse is also true. If I happen to get worse at something, I feel like absolute shit about myself and it ruins my whole fucking day.

So here's the problem; one of the things that I've been really working on lately is pull-ups, and I've been making pretty good progress. Unfortunately, I still have no other place to do them but from the rafters in the pig barn. Since the weather has gotten colder the last few days I have realized that my hands are totally fucking useless when they're cold. Yesterday I ended up being able to do about half as many pull-ups as I usually do because I just couldn't get my hand to grip properly. There is really nothing that frustrates me more than not being able to do something that I know I should be able to do.

Dean knows the feeling. 

P.S. My dad is supposed to help me put a bar up in the barn soon, so at least my hands will fit around it and I'll have a better chance. 

 

Every Time

Last night at class, we worked on really getting the technique down on some of the basic moves. It turns out there were quite a few things I was doing wrong, but I feel like I was doing a lot better by the end.

Then, at the end of class, my instructor and I sparred until 20 minutes past time for class to be over, which was pretty cool. Naturally though, I couldn't get by without doing at least a few weird, awkward things. After we had been sparring for a while, he said that it seemed like I wasn't throwing real punches because I was trying to protect my face. I wasn't sure how to explain that I wasn't afraid of getting hit, I was just sort of hiding behind my gloves because my mouth guard gives me monkey face, and it makes me self-conscious. Then, I lost one of my fucking earrings and didn't realize it until he stepped on it. At first we thought it was a thumb tack or something, but then I picked it up and realized it was my earring. I apologized and threw it in my bag, and he said "Shouldn't it have a back or something then." I already felt like an asshole for letting my earring stab him in the foot, so I  said "Yeah, but I that's okay, I really don't care." But he proceeded to look for it anyway, and found it for me. So yeah, yet another failed attempt at social interaction on my part.

Me with my mouth guard in. 

Fear = Power

I started reading a new witch book a couple of days ago, Craft of the Wild Witch by Poppy Palin. It's one that I've had for a long time, I just never bothered to read it. I'm really glad I did though because the author seems like a really cool person. She talks a lot about animal rights type stuff, how all beings are connected, and taking care of the planet and other animals. 

Anyway, there was this one line that I read this morning that I really liked. "Where there is fear there is real power." At first I thought that was kind of strange but, the more I thought about it, I realized it's true. I think everything I've ever done in my life that really mattered was fairly terrifying at the time. I think sometimes it takes being in a situation that scares the shit out of you to make you grow as a person. I know it has worked that way for me. Even if I hate doing it at the time, I end up feeling like a stronger person afterward. 

Plus, everybody knows that the power of fear is even stronger than the power of will. 

Even Stairway to Heaven Sucks After This Many Times

You know what really gets to me? Repetitively annoying things. I can handle some pretty annoying things; what I can't handle is annoying things that keep happening over and over (and over and over and over) again.

Some of you may remember years ago, when I wrote that poetry book, and I was all excited because I found a place that was willing to publish it, and then it turned out to be a big scan where they just kept trying to convince me to buy more and more copies of my own book (if you don't know about that, that's okay, what I just said pretty much covers it.) I am STILL getting emails from those fucking people! I'm talking multiple emails every day, trying to get me to buy my own fucking book, that I wrote several years ago and now thoroughly regret having written in the first place.

Also, there has been some organization taking some kind of poll, calling my dad's house multiple times a day. You see, I don't really get phone calls and I hate talking on the phone anyway, so when I'm home by myself I never answer the phone. I let the machine pick it up and if it happens to be someone I want to talk to, I answer then. These people keep calling and hanging up on the machine over and over again. I counted six times the other day. So it's four rings, the machine picks up, they hang up, two or three minutes go by, four more rings, etc. I finally just answered the other day, that's how I know who it was, but guess what? It was a fucking recording, so I couldn't even tell them to stop calling!

The No Plan Plan

As a follow up to yesterday's post, I have made a decision; I am going to try to stop planning. I have this irresistible compulsion to make all of these plans for my life, and none of them ever work out the way I want them to. That seems to be where nearly all of my aggravation comes from. This is especially stupid since, for the most part, none of my plans are actually even for things that I really want; they're just things that I think will be better than the way things are now. So I am going to make a serious effort to just do what I want, or what I like, or what I feel I should, and stop trying to figure out where it all might go.