The Road So Far

{Carry on my wayward son! There'll be peace when you are done!}

{ Lay your weary head to rest. Don't you cry no more}

So here is my big summary of the past year, with Carry on My Wayward Son playing in the background. I am going to start by covering the things that I did and did not managed to accomplish from my resolution list from last year.

{Once I rose above the noise and confusion, just to get a glimpse beyond this illusions.}

{I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high}

{Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man. Though my mind could think I still was a mad man.}

{I hear the voices when I'm dreamin'. I can hear them say.}

1- I did manage to keep up with this blog pretty well. I only skipped a few posts, which is pretty good for me. I didn't manage to write a single post for The Flaming Vegan though.

2- I made it through one more semester of college before I gave up, yet again.

3- I don't think I did a single bit of real activism this year. In fact, I barely even did any slacktivism this past year.

4- I did actually get an article published in T.O.F.U. magazine. It's not like I got paid or anything, but still it was pretty cool. You should definitely check out the magazine.

5- Apparently finding a job I don't hate is just going to be a lifelong struggle for me. Who knows, maybe this whole handyman(ish) thing will actually work out.

6- HAH! Improve my social skills? What the fuck was I thinking with that one?

{Carry on my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are done.}

{Lay your weary head to rest. Don't you cry no more.}

{Masquerading as a man with a reason. My charade was the event of the season.}

{And if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don't know}

7- Nope. Didn't take a martial arts class either.

8- Uh, yeah. I'm not any less angry either. Probably due to the fact that I haven't managed to make any progress in my life over the last year.

9- This one really pisses me off! I have been trying every day for the last year and I still can't do a single fucking pull up. I can now do six almost pull ups, but those last few inches are killing me.

10- I don't know, I might have been more creative? Maybe?

11- Again, maybe? I guess I may be acting a little more like I really am than I used to. Meh, who knows.

12- I did not make it back to Farm Sanctuary, not even for the Celebration for the Turkeys, which sucks.

13- Fairly certain I have not gotten any better at saying things that need to be said either.

{On a stormy sea of moving emotion, tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean}

{I set a course for winds of fortune, but I hear the voices say.} 

{Carry on my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are done.}

{Lay your weary head to rest. Don't you cry no more}

As for my bucket list, I have managed to cross off

#19- Find a way to stop my hands from getting all bloody and gross every winter. I'm not even sure what I did, but they didn't get gross this year. Yay! 

#40 and 41- My sister got me a really nice camera for Christmas, and I did use it to take the picture for yesterday's blog. 

#46- (Sort of) I don't know if I officially feel "good" about my body, but I feel better about it than I ever have in the past. 

#50- I did come up with fifty more things for the list. This one was a bit of a freebie. 

#63- My dad bought me a punching bag, and I have made good use of it. 

#73- I did buy an iPod. (I love how half of my goals were basically to spend money that I don't have.)

#82- I actually found an exercise that works on my legs. I'm not sure which one it is exactly, but something in my yoga routine is definitely working.

That's about it for those. 

{Carry on you will always remember. Carry on nothing equals the splendor.}

{Now your life's no longer empty. Surely heaven waits for you}

{Carry on my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are done.}

{Lay your weary head to rest. Don't you cry no more.}

Now here are a few kind of cool things that happened that weren't on any lists.

1- I went to the Festival of Colors. This is actually something that I have always wanted to do, but didn't even bother putting it on any lists because I thought they only did it in India and I knew I was never going to get to India. Turns out they have one in West Virginia, who would have thought?

2- Got into size 0 jeans. Size 1 actually fit but, by god, if I can squish my ass into those 0s I'm going to do it.

3- Impala came to live here which, now that he doesn't piss all over the house anymore, has turned into a really good thing.

4- I passed that police test. Even though it didn't result in a job, and was basically just a waste of time, I'm still pretty proud of that.

5- I actually read one of my poems out loud, in front of a bunch of strangers. It was basically a disaster, but I still did it and I guess that's something.

I have also watched SO MUCH Supernatural this year. So much. 

Just One More

Tomorrow, being New Year's Eve, I intend to write a sort of summary of the last year. I want to cover all the things that have happened in my life, especially the things I have accomplished from my various "To Do Lists". As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have accomplished very few of these things. So today I decided that I had to get at least one more in, before it was too late. My sister bought me a new camera for Christmas (I know! She's fantastic!) and I haven't really done anything with it yet. Then I remembered that one of the things I had said that I wanted to do was start taking some of my own pictures for this blog. So I took one. The following is a really terrible picture of my really terrible sculptures from yesterday. Enjoy. 

Real Artist

You know how, a while back, I mentioned that I was going to try to learn how to make metal jewelry? Well, I decided that I will never be satisfied with anything that came from a store-bought mold. I just have this thing about wanting anything I make to be 100% mine. I don't know why, but I can't stand the thought of using someone else's designs. I guess I wouldn't feel like a "real artist" that way. So, the other day, I bought some clay which I plan to use to make the designs I want so that I can press them into other pieces of clay to make the molds. This is likely to be a giant pain in the ass, and probably not work, but whatever. Anyway, today, I finally broke out the clay and made three little things that I'm not really sure what to do with. They only sort of look like they were made by a toddler.

Joshua is a way better artist than me. Just saying. 

Tech Heads

Every once in a while, something happens that reminds me how incredibly incompetent I am compared to other people of my generation. It seems like almost everyone my age has this inborn understand of technology. I do not have that. I can usually manage to figure things out enough to get by, but that's about it. I have one of the shittiest cell phones on the market, and I still have no idea what half of its features are. I use it to make calls and send texts, that's it. Whatever else it does, I will never know. Any time I have to do anything, involving any sort of technology, that I haven't done before, I have to call my sister and beg for her assistance. It's really quite humiliating. I don't know how I managed to miss out on the tech gene, but I clearly did. Anyway, I just bought an ipod, so this should be fun.

I......I Don't Understand

I get the weirdest fucking (compliments?) comments sometimes. Total strangers just come up to me and say the strangest god damn things. Today I was in a public bathroom, washing my hands, and some woman comes out of one of the stalls and looks at me. I am going to recap the resulting conversation for you.

Her: "I like your hair."
Me: "Thank you."
Her: "I really do."
Me: "Thank you."
Her: "It looks comfortable."
Me: "............Thank you.....?"

Then she left and I spent the next couple minutes staring into the mirror wondering what exactly makes it look "comfortable", and the next several hours wondering what in the hell that actually means. Can anyone explain this to me? How can a person's hair look comfortable? I Just.........I don't get it.

P.S. One of these days I really am going to get back on a regular posting schedule. 

Spiting My Face

I have a rather twisted relationship with my body. I often find myself thinking of it as a separate entity, or group of entities, which I am forced to live with but don't necessarily get along with. It feels sort of like my body is a bunch of unruly children I am responsible for. I end up thinking things like "God damn it, Left Leg! Why won't you stretch the way I tell you too?" or "Fuck you, Neck! Stop hurting for no reason!" Also, you know that saying "Cutting off your nose to spite your face"? Well, I come closer to taking that phrase literally than probably anyone else on the planet. At times when my body refuses to do or be what I want it to, I often make it do things it doesn't want to; just on principle. I imagine that most people probably skip working out, or at least take it a bit easy, on days when they are sick or injured. Not me though. I just think "Oh, I'm sorry, Body. Does your leg hurt today? Well then you shouldn't have slipped on that ice and bashed it all up! You hold that warrior two for an extra thirty seconds!" or "Poor Body, are you tired today? Well that's what you get for letting us get a fucking cold! Now drop and give me twenty!" I am a severely fucked up person. Just saying.

So This Is Christmas

Sorry there was no post yesterday. I just don't find the holidays particularly inspiring. Also, I seem to have a cold or something, which never fails make me lazy and pissed off. I mean seriously, I'm not supposed to get sick. I'm supposed to be some sort of super-human creature who is completely impervious to all disease, or so my brain keeps telling me. Aaaaaanyway, I suppose it hasn't been such a bad holiday. Yesterday, I sat around and watched Dark Angel with my dad and then Supernatural with my mom, and it's looking like about the same thing today. Also, there's a new Doctor Who tonight, so that's cool.

We just finished watching the Dark Angel episode where baby Jensen Ackles plays a super-soldier/serial killer with a thing for teeth, which is an excellent way to get into the holiday spirit. Merry Christmas to all! 

Where Is the Line?

Here is a question I've been pondering for the last couple of days. Where is the line between pretending to be someone you're not, and trying to be someone you want to be? If you force yourself to do enough things that you would normally never do, do you eventually become the kind of person who would do those things? I tend to think the answer is yes. Who we are is, very much, determined by our experiences. So by forcing ourselves to have different experiences, I think we can pretty much control who we are going to be.

So yeah, I think I'm going to force myself to do some stuff. I'm not sure what kind of stuff yet, but stuff. 

One Year

Well, it has officially been one year since I started this blog and, as promised, here is my one last secret that I have yet to reveal to all of you. It probably won't seem like much of a secret to most of you, especially considering the multitude of exceptionally personal things I have already discussed here, but it's a pretty big one for me. Here it is; despite the way I act and the immense effort I go to in order to hide it, in a lot of ways, I am a big stereotypical girl and it bugs the shit out of me!

I try to act like I only care about really important things and the only thing that matters to me is trying to make the world a better place.

But sometimes I'm like "I just want somebody to hold my fucking hand!"

Here, for your reading pleasure, is a list of all the ways in which I am just an annoyingly average girl. 

1- Sometimes I just really want someone to tell me I'm pretty. 

2- A part of me still believes in the whole "fairy tale love" bullshit. 

3- I actually do that stupid things that girls do in movies where they dance around their houses when they're home alone. 

I do, at least, wear pants when I do it though. 

4- Good romantic scenes make me really happy and really sad at the same time. 

I couldn't find a picture of the part where he picks her up and spins her around, but holy fuck do I wish someone would be that happy to see me! 

5- I'm constantly comparing myself to other women and taking inventory of our respective good and bad attributes. 

I will never be able to look at her and feel good about myself. 

6- There are certain excessively cheesy love songs that I just can't help but love, no matter how shameful they may be. 

When this song comes on the radio I find myself incapable of turning it off, or of not singing along. 

7- Here's the one that I really REALLY don't want to admit to. Sometimes I actually do cry. Fuck do I hate it! And I never do it when anyone else is around to see, but it does happen. Usually, it's not even for any particular reason either. It's just sort of a "life in general sort of sucks" thing. 

8- I actually think it would be a lot of fun to go dancing, like in a club (gasp!). I would probably give it a try were it not for the fact that I am fairly certain I would just make an ass of myself. 

9- I totally understand every part of this post 

Every part. 

10- Part of me has always wanted, and probably will always want, to be a famous actress/singer/something. 

11- Sometimes I find myself looking at these stupid things and thinking "You know, that probably would be pretty nice." 

I chose this particular one because I think the second picture makes it infinitely funnier. 

12- I have quite a fondness for sexy underwear. 

I especially like this place because their stuff is sexy, badass, and affordable. 

13- As much as I try not to, I get extremely bothered by negative comments, especially ones concerning my appearance. 

I also have a tendency not to forget these comments for, well, ever. 

14- Whenever I happen to be near a mirror, I find that I can't help but check to make sure there's nothing for anyone to say anything negative about. Like obsessively. Usually I find lots of things. 

Too many things. 

15- I really wish I would get hit on sometimes. I mean by someone who isn't three times my age. 

Could somebody look at me like that^ please. 

So there you go, guys. My deepest, darkest secret is that I am, in fact, a girl. 

Happy Solstice! Also, Prelude to the Anniversary Post.

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of this blog. I would like to thank all of you for reading my ridiculous ramblings for a year, and I wanted to do something special for the anniversary but wasn't really sure what to do. So last week I asked for your input and Rachel requested deep dark secrets which, when I really started thinking about it, is fairly difficult because, over the course of the last year, I've told you guys a shit-ton of stuff that I don't normally talk about. I didn't want to disappoint any of my readers so I did finally manage to come up with one last thing that I have yet to confess to you guys, and it will be revealed tomorrow. I'm hoping to make this a really fun post, complete with all the things this blog is known for (or, more accurately, all the things this blog would be known for if it was known at all.) including, but not limited to; me over-sharing and making everyone uncomfortable, lists, and (extra) nerdy images and pop culture references. I hope you like it.

Ewwwww

After yesterday's post, some of you may be wondering why the fuck I would be so damn determined to make myself get by on less sleep, when most people are constantly tying for more sleep. Well, I'm going to tell you a little story.

For the last weeks or so, the ground outside the door of the pig barn has been a straight sheet of ice. Fortunately, it was rough enough on the surface that, as long as I was careful, I could still walk on it. Then, yesterday it got up near sixty degrees here and the ice began to melt. It didn't quite melt all the way though. It just sort of melted on the surface. This caused it to become slick as all fuck. When I got to the barn, I could tell by it's excessively shiny appearance that it was slick, but I thought "I'll just be extra careful. It can't be that slick." Wrong! I'm holding both water buckets and I, very slowly, take a single step forward and (SWOOSH!) my feet go flying out from under me. I do sort of a half turn in the air and land with the side of my leg directly on top of one of one of the buckets. Then, by some twisted physics that I don't understand, I sort of skidded across the top of the lid; resulting in a gash across the front of my knee and a bruise stretching almost the entire length from my hip bone to the side of my knee.

By now, you're probably wondering just what the hell any of this has to do with the amount of sleep I get on a given night. Well, normally, an event like this would have made me absolutely furious. First of all- it's just plain inconvenient, second-I hate feeling like a fool (which is sort of the inevitable result of failing to keep your own body standing upright), and third- it kind of hurt. On the average day, I probably would have ended up punching something. Would you like to know what my response was yesterday? "Ouch." and then "Eh." and then I went about my day.

You see, there is obviously something severely fucked up about my brain chemistry because sleep deprivation affects me in about the same way that a mild sedative affects other people. I feel basically the same as I do any other time except for the fact that I don't get ridiculously pissed off over stupid shit all the time.

Now you're probably wondering why the hell I posted a picture of a rainbow. It's because this is basically what my leg looks like at this point. It is SO many different colors. 

Hey, Check It Out! It Worked!

Observe, if you will, what time I am posting this. It looks like my stupid list idea worked, this time anyway. I actually got up at 6 today, the first time my alarm went off no less. This gave me just over five hours of sleep and, aside from the fact that it's cold and dark and miserable this time of day, I feel pretty decent. So yeah, I just wanted to share my tiny drop of success with you all.

"I don't sleep."

Also, my dad and I started watching Dark Angel the other day. So you can expect Dark Angel references for a while. 

Time for Plan D

I sincerely believe that my life would be significantly better if I just had the time to do all of the things that I want/need to do. The problem is, my list of things that I want/need to do is eternally growing and so is my desire to just sleep through my life. I keep trying to make myself get up early enough to get everything done, without having to rush around in a frenzy and make myself even more of a lunatic than I already am. The problem is, not matter what I do, I just can't seem to make myself get up any earlier than I absolutely have to. I either A- sleep through my multiple alarms altogether, or B-wake up and think "Eh, I don't really have to get up just yet." Either way, it eventually leads to me waking up, looking at my clock, yelling "FUCK!", jumping out of bed, and being in a pissy mood for the rest of the day while accomplishing a fraction of the things I had hoped to accomplish.

So my new plan is this. Every night before I go to bed, I am going to start making a list of all the things I want/need to do the following day (you all know how much I like lists). I am also going to make notes of why these things are important and how my life will be improved if I actually get them done. Then I will go to sleep with these things fresh in my mind, in the hopes that I will wake up in the morning and still remember them. In case you can't tell, I'm getting kind of desperate here.

Sorry, It's the Best I've Got

So, I have nothing of any real value to write about today. So I'm going to tell you about this weird-ass dream I had the other night. I was dismantling these strange old ruins that were, for some reason, in my yard. Despite the fact that they appeared to have survived for thousands of years, when I shoved on them the blocks just slid and tumbled to the ground. So I just kept climbing around and shoving blocks off the top edges of the walls. I remember thinking that it was kind of a shame to destroy them, since they were so old and quite beautiful, yet I do not remember why I was doing it in the first place. I also remember thinking that these were Tibetan ruins, which makes very little sense seeing as how my yard is not, in fact, in Tibet.

At least there was no creepy cheese man. As a vegan, I would have been rather offended to have my dreams invaded by the Cheese Man and his dairy-based vestments. 

Quick Question

The one year anniversary of this blog is coming up in just about a week, and I would kind of like to do something special. Unfortunately, I have no idea what that might be. So my question is this; what do you guys want to see? Are there any topics you would like to see discussed? any deep dark secrets you would like to see revealed? any awkward pointless questions you would like to see answered? Just let me know.

Oops

I have a tendency to give the animals nicknames. I almost never call any of them by their real names. If nothing else, I call them by some strange mispronunciation of their names. I don't really know why I do this, but I do. Anyway, Kaya has had more nicknames than any of the others. There is just something about him that makes me want to call him weird, cutesy names. For the last year or so, my favorite name for him has been Mei Mei. I got it from Firefly. They used it a couple of times on the show, and I just found it adorable. I sort of assumed it was just a generic term of endearment. So I started using it for Kaya. A while back, I got curious and decided to look it up and find out exactly what it meant. Turns out it means "little sister." Oops. I thought to myself  "I'm going to have to start calling him something else. I can't call my male cat 'little sister'. That just wouldn't be right." Then I realized that he really probably wouldn't mind. He is more beautiful than any female cat, or female of any other species for that matter, that I have ever seen. Plus, he's a complete fucking diva. So yeah, I still call him Mei Mei.

Beautiful. 

Also, kind of a bitch. 

In Bad Taste

I think, for the most part, people tend to think that they have good taste. The average person looks at him or herself and thinks " Yeah, I like cool things." I'm fairly pleased with my taste in most things; my fashion sense, taste in music/movies/TV/etc. One thing that I believe I have very bad taste in though is humor. My sense of humor is god-awful. 90% of the things I think are hilariously funny, no one else thinks are the least bit amusing. Everything I laugh at is either dark, and morbid, and disturbing, and makes people look at me like I might be a serial killer; or is just completely, totally, utterly stupid.

^This. I have been laughing at this for three days. THREE DAYS! Every time I think about it, I can't help but laugh. This is a problem. 

Look What I've Done to Myself

At the beginning of this year, I posted a list of all the things I hoped to accomplish in 2013. It is now rapidly approaching the end of the year and I have not come close to achieving my goals. Not only that, but I have pretty much fucked myself over on several of them, so there's no way I can even rush around and try to finish them in the next few weeks. For my 100th post, I also made this list of things that I want to do over the course of my life. I thought maybe if I looked at that list and saw how many of those things I accomplished this year, it would make me feel better about the other list. Turns out I did almost none of those things either. Awesome. Now I'm all stressed out, trying to figure out how to not feel like a giant failure at the end of the year. This is what I get for setting goals.

"Ohhhhh look what you've done. You've made a fool of everyone."

Quest

I find myself much more capable of dealing with my bullshit life when I feel like I have something to look forward to. In fact, if I don't have something to look forward to, I pretty much just turn into a giant fuming ball of red-hot rage. Unfortunately, I just haven't been able to find much of anything worthwhile in my possible future lately. So I've decided to just make a plan and pretend like it's going to happen even though it, almost certainly, won't.

I mentioned before that, some day, I really want to do a Sam and Dean style roadtrip to various haunted places around the country. Well, now I've started reading American Gods and they're on a roadtrip too, because apparently roadside attractions are the holy places of America. If you read the book it actually kind of makes sense, seriously I swear. So now I thinking "I have to do this!"

I have also mentioned that, partly because I never think I will have enough money to buy (or even rent) a house of my own, I want to buy a camper to live in. So, here's my new plan. Find a way to save up enough money to buy a camper (and a car to pull it with) and then go on a quest to see all of the haunted and/or holy places in America.

Who's in? 

It Is Possible that Our House Is Haunted (or that We Have Mice)

The last couple of days, there has been this weird-ass scratching, scurrying noise in the walls and ceiling of my bedroom. It doesn't seem to happen through the day, but at night it's really loud and almost constant. It's either a ghost or a shit-ton of mice. I know the mice are more likely, but I think I'll pretend it's a haunting to make my life a little more interesting. Somebody get me some salt rounds.

Snippets

I kept waiting around to see if I would come up with a good topic for a post today but, alas, I did not. So here are just a few random bits of things I have been thinking about. I may, one day, write full posts about them. However, I am far to uninspired to do it today.

1- I really need to make sure that I get the fuck out of this house everyday. Today the roads were supposedly bad, so I just stayed home. Now my biggest accomplishment for the day has been staying awake.

2- Do you ever get a new book and just feel like it is going to have something really profound to say to you? No real reason for it, just a feeling. I just started American Gods by Neil Gaiman and I definitely have that feeling about it. I hope I'm right; I could seriously use some profound insights right now.

3- My mom and I were talking today about raising your sense of self-worth by making a point to do things that you feel good about and not do things that you feel bad about. I think I have mentioned this before and I do believe that it is a good idea. However, I realized today that, while it will most likely raise your sense of self-worth, I'm not sure that it will improve your overall quality of life because you will end up doing a lot more things that you don't like doing. Like dishes, and laundry.

4- I have developed this intense aversion to noise lately. I think it was cause by overexposure. None of the animals in this house ever, EVER, shut the fuck up. Ever.

5- Is it just me, or do other people always run out of everything all at the same time? I actually managed to save my last check from Goodwill and I was all excited because I thought I would actually have money to buy halfway decent Christmas presents this year. Then I suddenly realized that I need to buy everything I ever use!

It seems like it's going to be a really good book. 

All Along the Watchtower

As I said yesterday, the thing that bugged me the most abut Battestar Galactica was the way they handled the parts with the song. I don't think it would have been difficult at all to write it in a way that made sense. Instead, I feel like they made it so that All Along the Watchtower was this crucial part of the story, but they never actually tell us how or why. Why that song? How did the four hear the song? Where exactly was it coming from? Why did Starbuck's dad know the song? Why did Anders know the song better than the others? Did he write it? Why did Tory say that he played it for all of them? Was he a musician back on Earth? Furthermore, as I mentioned in a previous post, I kept analyzing the lyrics and trying to figure out how they relate to the story. I stand by my conclusion that the lyrics were relevant, but I feel like the writers didn't bother to explain exactly how. I feel like nearly every line in the song could have been related to the story, but they just didn't bother to write it that way.

So here is my, in depth, analysis of All Along the Watchtower as it relates to the show. The song is a about a joker and a thief, right?

"There must be some kind of way out of here"
said the joker to the thief.
"There's too much confusion."
"I can't get no relief."

I feel like it is just too much of a coincidence that they introduce the song right after they introduce a character who is a thief (Lampkin). After I realized who the thief was, I kept trying to figure out who the joker was. I think it was Baltar. He was, at least to me, the comic relief in the show from the beginning. So there are our two main characters.

"Business men they drink my wine.
Plowmen dig my earth.
None will level on the line.
Nobody of it is worth."

I think this could easily have been related to Baltar's theory about the separation between the classes in the fleet. Some people do all the work, while others reap the benefits. Then we have;

"No reason to get excited"
The thief he kindly spoke.
"There are many here among us
who feel that life is but a joke"

Right before the Cylons split into two faction, there was an argument between one of the Sixes and Cavil, during which she asked him if life was a joke to him.

"But you and I have been through that
and this is not our fate
so let us not talk falsely now
the hour is getting late."

Sounds an awful lot like "all this has happened before and all this will happen again" Yes? Also, at lot of people died by the end of the show. The joker and the thief were not among them, because that was not their fate.

All along the watchtower
princes kept the view

I asked myself, who would be considered a prince? Lee, obviously. I mean, his dad basically rules the fleet, right? And what did he and the other pilots do with most of their time? Flew around and watched for Cylons "kept the view" in other words.

while all the women came and went
barefoot servants too

I'm still not sure about the "barefoot servants" but there were certainly several women who "came and went" in one way or another. After Strabuck had come back from the grave and Ellen showed back up, one of the guys working on the deck even said something to the effect of "Where do they keep coming from?"

Outside in the cold distance
a wildcat did growl.
Two riders were approaching
and the wind began to howl.

This is the only part I couldn't quite figure out. I would be happy to hear any theories; unless the theory is "You're a fucking lunatic and everything you just said was completely ridiculous." In which case, I am already fully aware of this. Thank you anyway though.

Gripe List

As promised, here is a list of all the things I was hoping would be addressed at the end of Battlestar Galactica. Spoilers, obviously.

1. What was the deal with Daniel? They brought up this missing Cylon and how the others had done something to him, and I kept waiting for him to be relevant to the story somehow but, as far as I could tell, he never really was.

2.How did Baltar survive the attack on Caprica? I just don't believe that Six standing in front of him would protect him from a nuclear blast. For a while I thought maybe he was a Cylon. Then, toward the end, I thought maybe whatever happened to Starbuck to allow her to come back from the dead also happened to him, but no.

3.What the fuck did happen to Starbuck? Coming back from the dead is weird enough, but where did the new Viper come from, and why was it picking up signals from Earth?

4. What exactly was that design that kept showing up? The one that Starbuck kept drawing. It looked kind of like lots of things, and she kept seeing it everywhere but they never actually told us what it was.

5. Why was Hera the only character on the whole show named after a goddess? I mean, some of the others had call signs that were the names of gods or goddesses, but none of their real names were.

6. Who were the "angels" really? I don't feel like they were actually angels and, at the end, the one who looked like Baltar said something about God and the one who looked like Six said "He doesn't like to be called that." So if they didn't actually work for the real God, who did they work for?

7. I kept waiting for some of the pilots' call signs to be significant. Some of them were so weird that they almost had to mean something, and we knew that they had to have meant something to whoever gave them those names, but we never got to know.

8. Why was Baltar trying to piss off the centurions? There was an episode, I think toward the end of season four, where Baltar and some of the others were on the Cylon base ship. I think it was when Lucy Lawless's character was trying to get the four to come join them. Baltar goes up to one of the centurions and starts telling him how the other Cylons are treating the centurions unfairly. What the fuck was his goal here? Did he really think that was going to end well for anyone?

9. Come to think of it, what happened to Lucy Lawless's character? Did she really just sit alone on Earth and starve to death?

10. What the was the deal with All Along the Watch Tower?! That bugged me more than anything else in the entire show! I really, really wanted this to make sense. You know what? I'm going to do a separate post just about the fucking song.

11. Remember the Arrow of Apollo? I kept thinking that since "all of this has happened before and all of this will happen again" that the Arrow of Apollo would have something to do with Apollo (Lee). But no.

12. In the last season, they kept showing Adama taking pills. What were those?! He kept holding his shoulder when he took them, and I assumed they were trying to tell us that he had a heart condition. I actually assumed that they were setting it up for him to die at the same time that Roslin did. Instead they just let us wonder whether he was having health issues or was just becoming an addict.

13. What actually happened on Earth? They gave us some of the story, but I wanted more. What led up to it's destruction? How exactly did the final five survive when no one else did? Who were they there? What were their lives like?

14. Why did half the characters on the show have hallucinations? It seemed like someone was always seeing things that weren't really there and they never give any explanation for most of them. The "angels", Lampkin's cat, Adama's ex-wife, all the weird shit Starbuck kept seeing, Tigh seeing Ellen all the time, etc.

15. Why could some people see the "angels"? So, maybe Six saw them because if the whole Cylon Projection thing, but what about Baltar and Starbuck? I thought maybe it had something to do with coming back from the dead, but they never say that actually happened to Baltar.

16. What exactly was the deal with Cylon projection? It just seems like that should have had more meaning than it did.

17. In what way was Starbuck the harbinger of death? I assumed it would have something to do with the Cylons and humans mixing together to form a new race. She would "lead humanity to it's end" by leading them to a peaceful existence with the Cylons so that they would create a new population of half Cylon half Humans. They never tell us that's what it meant though, and since they landed on our Earth with a whole new population of humans, I don't really know if that is what they were going for or not.

18. Why did the one hybrid call himself the Cylon god? Remember the one from Razor? I mean, he wasn't their God, right? He died at the end of that episode, didn't he? So why did he say that?

19. The hybrid on the base ship said something about the "children of the ones reborn" finding their own home, or something like that. When Tigh had the flashback to Earth, he saw Ellen tell him that they would be reborn together. So, I thought the "children of the ones reborn" would be the children of the final five, but none of them ended up having children. So who was reborn? and who were their children? I think Hera was the only child they ever really talked about. Were they talking about the entire population being reborn by starting fresh on our Earth? I don't know.

20. Everything the hybrid said. I really thought that they would eventually explain all of the seemingly nonsensical mumbling that she was always doing, but most of it was never addressed.

21. Why did Roslin make it to Earth..... twice. I thought the "dying leader" was never supposed to make it to Earth, according to the prophecy? Instead, she made it to two Earths.

22. Remember the weird disease that killed a shit-ton of Cylons? What was up with that?

23. Why did Leoben suddenly abandon Starbuck when he found out that she had come back form the dead? From the first time he met her, he kept talking about her special destiny. Then he finds out that she experience a genuine miracle ( I guess) and he's like "Nope. I'm done." Why?

24. The Cylons had this idea that love was the secret to conceiving children. What was the significance of that? Obviously love was not the secret, because Hera was the only Cylon child that was born. Were we supposed to be seeing that it's just sort of random for the Cylons, just like it is for humans? Like, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't? If that were the case, you would think they would have managed more than one.

25. Starbuck and Anders' tattoos. They were really cool tattoos, and I want to know what they meant. I mean people don't just get matching tattoos for no reason. Were they some sort of marriage ritual? What were they?

26. The opera house; everything about it. None of that made sense to me at all. I really got the impression that they wrote that in without thinking it through. Then they got to the end and realized that they didn't know what to do with it. Then someone was like "I know! What if Galactica was the opera house?" Was it Cylon projection? If so, who was projecting it? and why? I feel like they made that whole thing seem way more significant than it ended up being.

27. I wanted to know more about Gaeta. Right before he was executed, he said something about wanting people to know who he really was. I was hoping that we would get more of his back-story after that, but we didn't.

28. Why did no one seem to care that much that Athena kept killing people? She killed the one Six who was not doing anything wrong, I know she was scared for Hera but still. Then she killed Boomer when she was actually trying to help them. I don't know, I just felt like someone should have taken her gun away from her.

29. How long were Baltar and Six together, back on Caprica? Did he really never ask her name in all the time they were together?

30. ^ This. All of this. When he took off in the Raptor and said goodbye to everyone, I just assumed that he was going to crash it. He had said before that he couldn't live without her, so I just thought he was going to make sure that they died together. Instead, he waits until she is dead and then puts his wedding ring, from his previous marriage (kind of not very romantic) on her finger. Then he just parks on top of a mountain and sits around and talks to himself about cabins. What?

Every Damn Time

The poetry thing was last night. So, naturally, I spent the entire day reading my poem over, and over, and over, and over again. Then I spent most of the evening convincing myself that, yes, I did want to go through with this. It turned out that I didn't actually know where the place was, even though I thought I did. So my mom and I had to drive around forever and look for it. We still ended up getting there almost an hour before the thing started, which gave me ample time to freak right the fuck out. By the time I got up on stage, I was just trying to keep myself from looking as freaked out as I was. I actually did alright, I think. Not nearly as good as I had hoped, of course. But also not nearly as bad as I had feared. I got a pretty decent score too. Here's the fun part though; they were doing the competition in three rounds. This means that we were each supposed to have three poems prepared. Apparently everyone knew this but me. I always manage to find some way to embarrass the shit out of myself, even when I don't embarrass myself in the way that I expect to.

Griping

So, my dad and I finished Battlestar Galactica a couple of nights ago. I enjoyed the show overall; it had an interesting concept, complex characters, good dialog, and it definitely kept the audience guessing. I must say though, after the final episode, I was severely pissed. I feel like the writers tried so hard to make the story unpredictable that they didn't even bother to predict it for themselves. Then they got to the last episode and hadn't answered any of the questions they had raised throughout the entire show. Then they just said "Oh well." and went ahead and raised a few more that they also didn't answer. The other thing that bugged the shit out of me was all the stuff that seemed like it meant something but apparently didn't. From the very beginning, they talked about prophecies, and god's plan, and people having vision, and "all this has happened before." This, at least to me, implied that there was meaning in everything. Throughout the entire show, I kept analyzing everything and trying to figure out the symbolism that appeared to be everywhere. I came up with about a hundred different explanations for why certain things happened and what certain things were supposed to represent. Then we get to the end and the writers were just like " Nope. None of it meant anything." You can expect a list sometime in the next few days of all the questions that didn't get answered and/or all the things that seemed like they should have been relevant but weren't. I know this is stupid, but I put a lot of work into analyzing this show and I'm not going to let that all go to waste.

One thing about the show that I enjoyed, more than I probably should have, though was Mark Sheppard's character. I really felt like his first three episodes were nothing but straight Crowley jokes. This, of course, is impossible since Battlestar Galactica was over before Crowley ever showed up on Supernatural. Seriously though, two of his episodes were called "Crossroads" how is that not a Crowley reference? Plus, I dig the sunglasses. 

Self-Sabotage

You remember that poetry thing I mentioned a while back? Well, it's tomorrow. And I have not prepared at all! When I first heard about it, I was so fucking excited! I was so sure it was going to amazing. I was going to practice my poem until I had it perfect. Instead, I sort of read over it four or five time over the last few days. This is what I do to myself. I take the things that mean the most to me and I do whatever I can to fuck them up. Hopefully, now that I'm all terrified about it, I will get super motivated and memorize the damn thing by tomorrow night. That's usually how I do things. Apparently, intense fear is very inspiring to me.

I was totally going to be all intense, and passionate, and expressive like Anis Mojgani. Now I'll be lucky if I remember what I'm supposed to say. 

What Free Time?

I swear, my brain has this truly remarkable ability to fuck me over at every turn. I was really looking forward to having some free time for a while. I told myself that, now that I don't have to go to work at Goodwill, at least I will be able to get around to doing some of the things I have been wanting to do, and maybe even keep up with all of the housework type shit that I always let get ahead of me. Alas, my brain said "No, no. You will sleep straight through all three of your alarm clocks every day and never, ever, have enough time to do all of the things you want to do." That guy is such an asshole.

It doesn't help that I have a, kind of, sort of, almost, job now pretending to be an electrician. 

Happy Fucking Birthday to Me

I know that once you get to be over the age of around twelve, birthdays become less than exciting; and after you reach the age of twenty-one, you officially have no reason to want to get older anymore. So, with that in mind, I'm sure I'm not saying anything here that you all haven't already thought on every birthday you've had for the last who knows how many years. That's not going to stop me from saying it though. I fucking hate birthdays! All they do is remind me that I've done jack shit with my life. I have now been alive for twenty-seven years and have absolutely nothing to show for it. Every year on my birthday I find myself wondering if I am any further along in my life than I was the previous year. Most years I find that, if anything, I have gone backward. To be quite honest, I'm fed up with it. By this time next year, I damn well better have made some sort of progress in my life! This year I AM going to get my shit together, no matter how much of a mess it is.

"It's gonna be a busy year." 

P.S. Sorry about the irregularity of my posts lately, and for the skipped posts. That is definitely one of the things on my list of  "shit that I need to get together."

And This Time I Mean It

Well everyone, I am officially done with Goodwill. I really mean it this time too. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if I should have just walked out of there instead of working out a notice. If I had done that I would know, for a fact, that I would never end up back there. Right now, I know that if I ever get desperate someday I can always go back there. This is sort of a pattern in my life. I keep ending up in the same places over and over again because I know that I can. "Well, if this doesn't work out, I can always go back to that." Bullshit! That sucked! Why would I want to go back to it? I have begun to realize that there is something to be said for burning bridges. At least that way you know you will be making new mistakes instead of just repeating the old ones time and time again for the rest of your life.