The Beauty of the Broken

This is probably my favorite of all of my old poems (even though I never think of this one as a poem. In my mind it's always a song.). There are very few pieces of my old writing that I can look back on now and not cringe at least a little, this is one of them.

Your scars and your tears,

your addictions and your fears

make you beautiful.

Your love

is such delicious poison.

I see the beauty of the broken in your eyes

and I

can't seem to shake this feeling

although your anger sends me reeling every time. 

I know it's not right

to stay with you all night

and watch you disappear 

into a thick fog of pain

and the chemicals you claim

bring you some relief.

And deep down I know

it's better if I go

and let you find your way

to the light on your own.

I thought that maybe I could save you

but I just don't know how to

and it breaks my heart

to see all the pain you live with

and the harm you'll cause yourself to ease it.

There's nothing I can do.

My staying here's not helping.

I wake up every morning and I feel so lost.

Lately I just feel so useless.

I can't stand to feel this hopeless.

It's tearing me apart.

I don't know how to tell you,

part of me still doesn't want to

but what else is there to do

but to walk away?

Not What You Think

I've mentioned before how I have this desire to understand what makes people act the way they do. I like to understand people. I feel like, in a lot of ways, this makes them easier to deal with. If you know why people are the way they are, and what they are thinking and feeling that causes them to behave a certain way, it makes it easier to accept the things they do without getting angry at them.

There is another side to this though that is a bit less helpful. When you understand what makes people act the way they do, you also tend to understand what you really are to those people. I feel like other people have a certain level of blissful ignorance when it comes to what others really feel about them. That's not the case for me. I know who I am to the people around me. I know what makes me valuable (or not valuable) to them.

I think people in general have this tendency to pick out certain aspects of a person and let those things represent the whole person. That's not really how people are though. We are complex creatures and can not be defined by just a few characteristics. I'm not going to get specific here, because I don't want to create any unnecessary conflict, but I think that nearly everyone I know (or ever have know) sees me as something very specific. They see me as whatever role it is that I play in their lives, or whatever trait seems most salient to them, or (sometimes) as a symbol of something that they think I represent.

I mean, I understand why this happens. We try to make sense of the things around us, even people, and I think I probably make even less sense than the average person. Because of this, the people around me just pick and choose what they want to see in me. To them, I am whatever they want me to be, and I usually play along.

Whenever I think about this topic (which is probably more often than it's healthy to think about such things) I generally find myself humming this song.

This Is Why I Don't Have Friends

I went grocery shopping today and twice I realized, too late, that I should have tried to interact with people I encountered. I just do not have whatever it is that allows most people to talk to other people, especially people they don't know. I know, for a fact, that other people meet new people at random places and end up getting to know them. I don't know how to do that. I just don't.

Quick back-story, Kroger has an "in" door, and an "out" door. While both are clearly marked, the "in" door is easily wide enough for two people to pass comfortably, while the "out" door is just barely wide enough for one person. So when someone comes in the "out" door, whoever is trying to get out has to either push them out of the way or wait. Well, I'm trying to leave three people barge in through the "out" door. Naturally, I back up and wait politely for them to get out of the way, while mentally cussing them out. The last guy is taking for-fucking-ever! So, finally, I look up to see why he is walking so very ridiculously slow....and he's staring right at me, and smiling. Now, probably, I should have smiled back and maybe even said something to him. Instead I sort of nodded and ducked around him to get outside.

Honestly, I'm not terribly upset about not talking to the guy at Kroger because, whether he was flirting with me or not, he was being super annoying. This one I am upset about though. I was checking out at Target and the girl running the register says "Did you make your necklace?" I smiled in her general direction (without actually making eye-contact) and said "Yeah, I did." Then she said "I like it." I smiled again (still not really at her) and said "Thank you." Then there was the standard "Have a nice day." "You too." and I left. Afterward, it occurred to me that my necklace says "Vegan" on it. Probably most people wouldn't make a point to say that they liked a necklace that says vegan on it unless they are also vegan. I mean, maybe some people would but I feel like there is a good chance that I spoke to another vegan today and basically blew her off. What is my problem? Why can't I get this whole social interaction thing?

Also, again after I left, I realized that while I was shopping I noticed a copy of the Thug Kitchen cookbook displayed in a very prominent place. When I saw it I was really excited that 1- a vegan cookbook would be in a place like Target at all, and 2- That someone would put it right out in the open, where everyone walking by would be sure to see it. After the whole thing with the necklace I thought "You know what would be a good reason for a vegan cookbook to be displayed like that at Target? If there was a vegan working there, and she put it on that display!" Of course, there is always the possibility that I'm being stupid here, and she wasn't a vegan, and the book was just a coincidence, but I still just feel like I missed yet another opportunity to connect with a like-minded person. Fuck my truly pathetic social skills!

I'm still really happy they have this ^ at Target though.

True Love

It's late, and I'm tired, and I forgot to write a post today (well technically yesterday, at this point) so I am just going to talk about Victor and Sierra from Dollhouse. They are my absolute favorite TV couple of all time. If you haven't seen the show, which most people probably haven't, you won't really know what I'm talking about. But they have the sweetest, purest, and (occasional "man reactions" not withstanding) most innocent love ever portrayed on TV. There is just something so wonderful about people who love each other with absolutely no other motives or expectations. I'm not sure that ever even exists in real life, except maybe in small children. On the show, they often refer to the people in the Dollhouse as being in an infantile state, and that is sort of what Victor and Sierra seem like; two infants who somehow fell in love. They have no idea what it means to be in a relationship the way adults see it. They just know that they want to be around each other, and they each want the other to be happy. They don't expect anything from the other person. In fact, they wouldn't even have any idea what they should expect. They just love each other, that's all. I think that's really beautiful.

For anyone who has seen the show, the episode where Victor tries to get rid of all the black paint because he thinks it is making Sierra sad is the sweetest thing I think I have ever seen in my entire life. 

Sacrifice

A couple of days ago, my dad and I watched the Angel episode "Sacrifice." At the end of the episode, my dad asked me why it had been called that and I pointed out that the bug demon told Wesley that love was sacrifice. This led to a long and rather frustrating debate about what that actually meant, whether it was true, whether love was really a good thing assuming it was true, and eventually the definition of sacrifice. Well, in case anyone cares, here is my thought on the whole thing. Yes. Love is sacrifice, absolutely. Here's the thing though; so is everything else. Everything in life is about sacrifice. Everything. We are constantly, like every moment of every day, giving up one thing (or many things) for the sake of something else. We sacrifice; money, attention, progress, success, and most importantly time. Every single second we spend doing one thing could be spent doing something else. The question is whether or not the sacrifice is worth it. At the end of the day, how many of our choices are we really satisfied with? How many times do we feel like we chose the right things to use up our time and energy on? That's where love comes in. The important thing about love is, at least in my opinion, that it makes the sacrifice seem worth it.

^Bug demon^ for those who haven't seen the show. 

Connection

I should be alone. I'm lonely when I'm alone, but that's better than what I am when I'm with others; always faking, always angry. Because the truth is I'm always alone. I move with them, act like them, pretend to be one of them, but I'm not one of them. I don't belong in my family, in my country, anywhere. I take off my glasses when I'm in public because I think I look better that way, as if it matters what I look like. My poor vision turns them all into monsters. Their faces blurred and distorted. Are they looking at me? I can't tell. I don't know if this makes it better or worse. I feel like they are all staring at me, and yet I am invisible. I am an uneasy presence they can all sense, so they squint their eyes and try to make out what it is they feel but can't see. Everyone is looking at me, but no one sees me. I just want to be seen. One small connection. A guy holds the door for me. I thank him. He smiles. A connection. Thirty seconds, no more. I think about it for the rest of the day. How pathetic is that?

Love Letter to an Imagined Soulmate

Well here it is, the weird little thing I wrote the other day.


I know you, my love; not your name, or where you live, or what you do. I don't know what you look like, or who your parents are, or what kind of music you listen to. Something tells me that, despite all of that, I would still recognize you if we passed on the street. Because I know the truth of you, the essence that lies beneath all of those things that we think make us who we are. I know the feel of you. Though we have never touched, there are times when I swear I can feel your hands on my skin. I don't know what your face looks like, but I have felt the sense of belonging that I would experience when looking into your eyes. I have never met you, maybe I never will meet you, maybe you don't even exist, but I have felt your arms around me as I fall asleep and known that I was home.

I can't actually decide if it's a poem, or an excerpt from a story that I will probably never tell, or exactly what the title proclaims it to be. Oh well. 

I Can Hear Your Pain

Last night was the new episode of Supernatural and, for the first time all season, I actually got to watch it when it came on! I am going to try to talk about it without giving anything away, for anyone who hasn't seen it yet.

Cas now works at a gas station, I feel safe saying that because we learn that in the first five minutes of the episode. Anyway, I honestly find these episodes that focus on Cas trying to figure out how to be human almost as depressing as the episodes where everyone dies. Watching him do all of these mundane human things, the same things that I've always hated doing, and trying to find meaning in it all is just so fucking sad! Not to mention the fact that watching his social interactions is like looking in a goddamn mirror. And I'm not even going to talk about his attempts at romance, I'm just not. It's all just way too familiar. 

His smock even kind of looks like mine; ugly, shapeless, polyester monstrosities! 

*The title is a quote from the episode, by the way. Saying anything more about it would be spoilers. 

Beautiful vs. Hot

I have seen multiple different photos and graphics, circulating around the internet, with a quote advising girls to "Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot." I do see what they're getting at but I, for one, don't think that's especially good advice and here's why. At least in my mind, beauty is a physical characteristic. You're either beautiful or you're not. Being "hot" on the other hand (and this is, again, in my mind. I can't say for sure that it means this to anyone else.) is about choices. I consider people to be hot based on their style, attitude, and behavior, not on any particular physical attributes. If you have a beautiful face, you are beautiful; if you don't then you're not. However, as far as I'm concerned, you could have a horrifying facial deformity and it would not necessarily prevent you from being hot, if you so choose. Some of the hottest people are not those who would generally be considered to be beautiful. There is just something about them as people, the way they act, the way they handle themselves, that makes them appealing. I guess my point here is; I would much rather be called hot than beautiful, because I feel like it would be a reflection on me as a whole person, not just on the appearance of my face.

Take Aeryn, for example. She has a fairly unique look that many people might not consider "beautiful." However, I doubt that anyone would dispute the fact that she is hot as all fuck. 

Thoughts on Love Part 7: Implications

Okay, so this isn't so much Thought on Love as it is Thoughts Inspired by Thoughts on Love, but oh well. Thinking about all of this has made me realize a few things about my life and myself.

1- I am capable of Love. What I may or may not be capable of is trusting anyone to love me back. This does make me feel a bit better, though it likely won't make my life any better in the long run.

2- If I am ever going to find anyone who genuinely cares about me, I am going to have to stop trying to prove that I am worthwhile and wait to see who will believe that I am anyway.

3- I have to learn to judge my own feelings by this same standard. I have a tendency to try to make my emotions make logical sense and that simply isn't how human emotions work. I need to remember that.

4- I feel infinitely better about things when I understand them, even if it makes no practical difference for me in real life. This is especially true of things about my own thought processes. I HATE not understanding exactly how I feel or why I feel that way. I think this was one of the last subjects that I still didn't have a good handle on, until now.

5- (I think) I am going to go back to school next fall. No matter how much I may hate so many aspects of college, Psychology really does fascinate me. I feel like maybe I actually could make some kind of difference in the world if I can manage to finish my degree.

Mayhap I will be a school counselor. It worked for Buffy.

Well, it sort of did. 

Thoughts on Love Part 6: Love Is a Word

When I spoke to my mom about my definition of Love, she didn't agree. She said "But that has nothing to do with the other person. I believe Love is a verb." Of course, at the time I couldn't think of a way to explain my position. So here it is now.

Love is a word. Like most words, it has many different meanings both by definition and by personal interpretations. It is an act (verb) and an emotion (noun). When I gave my definition of Love, I was referring to the noun form. Even when you think of Love as verb, it can mean completely different things to different people. I believe most people think of the verb form of love as meaning "To experience the emotion of love." What my mom was referring to is the way we behave toward the person we love. The problem with this definition is that, while it encourages us to treat the people we love in a more loving way, it is not an accurate gauge for our emotions. There are plenty of people in the world who can truly Love someone and still treat them like shit; simply because, for whatever reason, they are unable or unwilling to express their emotions in a healthy way. This does not indicate that they don't truly Love the person, simply that they are not conveying that emotion properly. Furthermore, there are plenty of people who are more than capable of acting lovingly toward people they have very little Love for. We all express Love differently. The way we act is a choice, the way we feel is not. What I was attempting to capture with my definition is the common ground we all share when it comes to Love; the one aspect of it that is the same for everyone. I don't know if I succeeded, but that was the goal.

There should be one more of these( should be) and then I'll stop. 

Thoughts on Love Part 5: The Crichton to My Aeryn

Sorry, I just couldn't get through this series of posts about Love without talking about my favorite fictional couple. Over the years, I have found so many characters that I have connected with, related to, rooted for, fallen for, and mourned over. I don't think I have ever  found a couple whose relationship I was more invested in than Crichton and Aeryn though. Normally, I just don't care all that much if Person A and Person B get together or not. Since we started season one of Farscape though, I have been dying to know if Crichton and Aeryn ever get their shit together. Obviously, one reason for this is that, as I mentioned before, Aeryn is basically me. If she can find Love then maybe there is hope for me yet. After I started thinking about my own definition of Love, I realized that the other reason I care so much what happens to them is that they fit so perfectly with what I believe Love to be. Throughout most of the series, Aeryn is cold, angry, lost, and emotionally-stunted (much like someone else we all know) but Crichton still always wants to be around her anyway. He never tries to change her; he never expects her to be anything other than what she is. The only thing he ever really demands of her is that she admit that she loves him back, and even when she won't he still wants to spend all of his time with her. The really beautiful part is that, over time, he does end up changing her. By accepting her and loving her for exactly what she is, he makes her better that she ever was before, without changing the root of who she is. I guess my point here is, I need my own Crichton.

Thoughts on Love Part 4: Perspective

Once I realized what it was about the way the animals behaved towards me that bothered me so much, I started to realize that this same issue has been my biggest problem in all of my relationships throughout my life. I have never really felt that I had anyone who I could count on to WANT to be around me no matter what. I have a few who I know would be there for me if I really needed them, but I hate feeling like it would be because they had to be. So I end up regarding most of my relationships as transactions. "As long as I have something to offer, they will want to be around me." I'm sure that in some cases this is all in my head, but I know for a fact that in some cases it is not. Back when I was at WVU, I used to do everything I possibly could to make myself useful to my group of friends, because I knew that it was what I did for them that made them want to spend time with me. Shockingly, I lost touch with them after I left school. Go figure. It's not that they were bad people or anything. None of them ever set out to use me. I just didn't have whatever it would have taken for them to want to be around me just for myself. Most of the time, I think even the people who care for me the most still wish that I could be something other than what I am. This is a large part of the reason I am always trying to tone down my emotions when I'm around other people. If they knew how I really felt, it would be more than they would want to deal with.

That's right, there are still more of these. I think I may have gone a bit overboard. 

Thoughts on Love Part 3: Inspiration

Just in case you were wondering what precipitated this idea about the true meaning of Love, it was Impala (my cat, not Dean's car). The thing is, I've been having a really hard time getting along with all of the animals lately. I find myself getting extremely frustrated with them all the time. Yet, despite the fact that he is probably more of a pain in the ass than any of the others, I never seem to get as mad at Impala as I do everyone else. I could never really figure out why I wasn't as bothered by his bad behavior as I was by the other animals' slightly less bad behavior. Then it suddenly hit me that it was because, pain in the ass or not, he actually acts like he loves me. I know this probably sounds stupid as hell to most people, but I feel like the others are always judging me, or demanding things of me. They are always wanting something from me, and they are always disappointed when I don't quite deliver. Impala makes me feel like he genuinely enjoys being around me, even when I'm in a pissy mood. Around here, someone is constantly barking at me, or tripping me, or yelling, or trying to grab something out of my hand, or slamming into me. Impala doesn't do that. He just stands near me (but not quite near enough to trip me) and when I look at him he puts his front feet up of the wall and stretches up toward my hand. It's fucking adorable and it makes me feel like he actually likes me as a person.

I pretty much get this look from everyone, all day. I interpret it as "Just look at yourself. Look at what you've become." 

Thoughts on Love Part 2: I've Got It!

Okay, so here it is. My newly-discovered, personal definition of Love.

Love is a genuine desire to be near someone, even when they are at their worst, without any judgements or expectations. That's it. If someone is being kind of shitty and you still want to be around them, without thinking less of them for it, or expecting anything from them in return, that's love. There are lots of other things that go along with Love. Like all the things I mentioned yesterday; putting their happiness on the same level as (and sometimes above) your own, getting enjoyment from seeing them happy, etc. But if you ask me, the difference between love and Love is just simply wanting to be with the other person no matter what. I'm not saying this necessarily has to be romantic love either. I think this could just as easily apply to a best friend or family member. It is that feeling of deep connection and comfort that makes you feel better when you are with a person, than you do when you are not with them.  

Look for part 3 tomorrow.

*I know I used a LOT of plural pronouns in place of singular pronouns, but I hate saying his/her, he/she, whatever. This is one instance where I will knowingly be grammatically incorrect.

Thoughts on Love Part 1: What Is the Meaning of This?

So, I had sort of an epiphany yesterday about the meaning of Love. Maybe it's really stupid, but it felt sort of profound to me. I have more to say about it than I feel anyone would care to read in one post, so I'm splitting it up into a series of posts.

I have often wondered, as I'm sure many people have, about what the true meaning of the word "Love" is. I think most would agree that there are a multitude of different types, and different levels, of love. But there is that one type that we are all always searching for. That's the kind that I could never really seem to define for myself. My mom always says that love is "putting the other person's happiness on the same level as your's." This may be a type of love but, as far as I'm concerned, this is the type that we should feel for all other beings, and the world around us. I don't believe that is nearly enough to satisfy the average person's need for Love. So I thought "Maybe it's putting the other person's happiness above your own." but I tend to do that for everyone as well (which I'm sure is super unhealthy). So, maybe it's getting happiness from their happiness? Not quite, that can happen with any random person, from time to time. So what is it then? Well, I think I've finally figured that out (at least for myself). And I'm going to tell you tomorrow.

I Almost Forgot

If you're wondering why this post is so late, it's because Hughsnet is terrible! Anyway, I just realized that I almost forgot to tell you all what happened with that guy I was talking to from Vegan Passions. Remember, first I said he was kind of a dick? Then I said maybe he wasn't so bad? Well, I was right the first time.

Any of you who have ever exchanged emails with me probably know that sometimes I don't get back to you right away. In fact, sometimes it take me for-fucking-ever to return emails. It's nothing personal; sometimes I get busy, sometimes my internet sucks, sometimes I actually forget, mostly I just get stressed out. I don't know why returning emails stresses me out, but it does. Anyway, apparently this guy just could not handle that. I took two days to write back to him and he wrote me an exceptionally snotty email "thanking" me for wasting his time. So yeah, that was fun.

It turns out I should have used this picture when I talked about him before. Because Ruby was way more evil than Meg. 

So Maybe I was Being Unreasonable

Okay, so maybe I really was being unreasonable before. I have still been talking to the guy I met on Vegan Passions and I think he wasn't actually being an ass after all. I guess I'm just so used to people being asses to me that I have learned to expect it. Anyway, he actually seems pretty cool.

Now to the point. We were talking about jobs and he said that no one actually loves their job, and that the people who say they do are really just saying that to make themselves feel better. I think he may be right. I know that's the case with most people, because most people don't get to do what they had always wanted to do with their lives. What I'm really wondering about is the people who do get to do what they had always wanted to do. Do you think that as soon as you start doing something professionally it automatically loses it's appeal? I think it very well may. We actually discussed this phenomenon in one of my psych classes once. I believe the theory was (something like) as long as you're doing something just because you enjoy it, you get an emotional reward from it. However, if you add in a monetary reward it sort of negates the emotional one, and all of a sudden the thing that used to be fun is now a hassle because "it's your job." What do you think? Does anyone actually love their job?

I mean, even Sam and Dean hate their job and they have the best job ever. 

Maybe I'm Being Unreasonable?

Remember the whole online dating thing? Well, I have been talking to this one guy for around two weeks now, and he seemed pretty cool. Yesterday, he gave me his real email address (as opposed to the one through Vegan Passions). I was actually really happy about it, because I felt like that meant that things were progressing. So I emailed him and was all excited waiting for him to email me back. Then, the first official email I get from him makes me think "Yeah, this is not going to go anywhere." He is a self-proclaimed "music snob" which is fine, as long as he doesn't act all condescending about my taste in music, which he kind of did. Another thing that pissed me off  in this email was that he asked me if I was finished with school. Which, as you all know, I'm not. However, I am 26 so most people would assume that I am either finished with college or that I didn't go. The fact that he asked about it kind of made me feel like what he really wanted to ask was "So you're not really planning on being a cashier forever, right?" And I hope I don't end up being a cashier forever, but if I do, I would hope that he would be able to respect me anyway. I don't really feel like he would. Also, I feel comfortable bitching about him here because, despite the fact that I mentioned my writing at least twice, he didn't ask about it. If I met someone I was interested in and I found out that they wrote a blog, I would be dying to read it and find out how their mind works. Not him.

I swear, it seems like every person who ever shows an interest in me, is only interested in me in theory. When I actually start talking about myself they zone out, which is really weird in this case because I basically outlined my entire personality on my profile. It kind of makes me wonder if he even bothered to read the damn thing.

Get it? Because she seemed really nice and like she was really interested in Sam, then it turned out that she was actually a demon. (Unfair?) 

You're a Little Late

It's really goofy how life works sometimes. Whatever you're waiting around for never seems to happen, but if you decide that you don't give a shit about it anymore and start waiting for something else, (BAM!) there's that other thing all of a sudden. Kind of like how no one ever asks you out unless you're already dating somebody, or how you can't ever get a job unless you already have a job.

You know how I said I was doing the whole online dating thing? Well, it was basically a fucking disaster. I kept checking my email all the time, just hoping that someone (who wasn't creepy and three times my age) would contact me. Well, it just wasn't happening, so I said "fuck it!" and tried to forget about the whole thing. Then a couple of days ago, I found this shop  and wanted to buy the whole fucking place! I managed to limit myself to three or four things though. One of them was a bottle of perfume and I was fairly certain it was vegan, but I wanted to make 100% sure before I bought it. So I wrote to them and asked them about it. Being the crazy person that I am, I was super excited to buy all the amazing stuff I found so I was VERY anxious for them to write me back. So naturally, I checked my email about 800 times yesterday, just hoping for a response from the shop. Well guess what? They never did write to me. Guess who did write to me? Two different guys from Vegan Passions. TWO! And they both seem decent. All this time I've been driving myself crazy just hoping to hear anything from anyone, and now that I basically gave up on it and stared driving myself crazy over something else, now I get two!

I am The Girl Who Waited......and then got the thing she wasn't waiting for anymore.