Thoughts on Violence

I mentioned yesterday how much I feel like I have changed over the years. Well, it kind of makes me feel like terrible person to say this, but one of the things that I think has changed the most is the way I feel about violence. I used to completely abhor violence of any kind. I thought that is was pretty much always unnecessary, and just wrong. I don't see it that way anymore. I still abhor violence against the innocent, but I feel very differently about consensual violence. At this point, as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing wrong with two (or more) people doing whatever damage they want to each other, as long as everyone involved knew what they were getting into. In fact, I can see (though not really explain) the appeal. I desperately want to take a martial arts class; I think it would be of great benefit to me.

Even my thoughts about war have changed a bit. I used to say that it was always wrong, and that it was never the solution for anything. I don't really think that's the case anymore. There are some things that are worth fighting for, and there are some people who will never do the right thing unless someone makes them do it. Don't get me wrong, about 90% of all wars are still complete shit, and just an excuse for people to kill each other. Even then though, the way I see it, if you have a bunch of people who want to kill each other just for sake of killing each other, so be it. The real horror of war is how many innocents get dragged into it. If we could find a way to confine war to only those who actually want it, it might not be quite so bad.

If we ever got to the point of a war for animal liberation, I would be the first to enlist. Just saying

Changeling

I have been thinking lately about how much I have changed over the years. I mean, in a lot of ways, I'm not even remotely the same person I used to be. My attitudes, values, desires, interests have all changed pretty drastically over the years. I guess that's pretty much expected; we learn, we grow, we change, but in some ways I think I've changed much more than is to be expected.

You know the other day how excited I was that I was finally able to do a pull-up (I'm up to three now, by the way. WOO!)? Well that got me thinking about how much harder I'm willing to work for things now than I used to be. Not even necessarily important things either; things, like pull-ups, that I want to do just so I can say that I can do them. I have never liked feeling like there were things I couldn't do, but I used to just try to avoid situations where I would be required to try to do things I couldn't do.

For example, my whole way through school I hated gym class with a fiery passion. I could never do anything that they tried to make us do, and it always made me feel totally incompetent. Instead of trying to get better at those things though, I would just try to hang back and avoid doing them at all. I think perhaps the best example of how much this has changed for me is running. You know how in school they would do those fitness tests where you had to "run" a mile? Well, I have always sucked at running. So when we had to run the mile I would pretty much just walk the entire time and be one of the last people to finish, every year. It was hard, and I wasn't good at it, so I just didn't bother trying to do it. In contrast, when I had to do the physical test for that police job (how productive that whole mess turned out to be) I damn near killed myself just to keep up with some random guy who was running next to me. It wasn't like I was going to fail the test if I didn't keep up with him, I was still well ahead of several people. I just couldn't stand to let him get ahead of me.

I tend to do that with everything these days. I can't stand feeling like someone else can do something that I can't. I'm not sure what exactly brought on this change, but I have gone from just wanting to avoid looking pathetic to needing to be capable at all times.

Yeah, this actually had nothing to do with changelings. Sorry.

The Search

You know what just about the most irritating thing in the world is? Knowing exactly what you're looking for online and not being able to find it. You know how it's sort of a running joke how no one ever goes to the second page of their Google search results? Well, I do. In fact, I frequently get to the fifth or sixth page before getting so frustrated that I just give up. I don't know if I'm looking for things that are too weird, or too specific, or what, but no matter what I'm looking for I can never seem to find it.

This issue usually presents itself when I'm looking for images for this blog. I will have this perfect image in mind, usually a scene from a show, and know exactly what episode it was from, who was in it, what was said, and yet I can never seem to find just the one I wanted. I know that it has to exist somewhere, it just has to. So I will try phrasing my search 8000 different ways and still never find it. Then, sometimes, weeks later when I'm looking for something else, there it will be just sitting there in my search results like "Oh, were you looking for me?"

Trying to buy things is even worse because then, not only do I have to worry about wanting something that is too specific, but I also have to try to find a vegan version of it. I gave up a long time ago on expecting to find the things I want in the real world. I have gotten used to buying most of my stuff online because then I at least have a chance of finding what I'm looking for. Unfortunately, it's still difficult as fuck to find stuff that I like that doesn't conflict with my values.

You know what the very worst thing to try to find is though? Vegan tattoo artists. This is why I have an endless list of tattoos that I want to get. I can never find anyone to do them. I spent, literally, three hours this morning searching for someone who does vegan tattoos anywhere even remotely near where I live. You know what I found? Nothing. Not a goddamn thing.

I am, I really am. 

 

Wise Investments

How pathetic is it that as soon as I get a new job, I immediately start thinking about new tattoos that I want to get? I try to be practical, you know, think about all the things I actually need, bills I need to pay, things I should be saving for. But that never lasts. I just can't help but think of more and more things that I feel like I need to have on my body forever. Obviously the title of this post was meant to be ironic, but to some extent I really do feel like tattoos are a wise investment. I mean, what else can you buy that is beautiful, lasts forever, and that you can carry with you wherever you go? Unfortunately, it's getting to the point where I think I have more tattoos that I want than I do skin to put them on. Also, I really want to get a couple of brands. Ever since I heard out the 269 movement, I've been wanting to get a 269 brand. The other brand I want is the rune Uruz. I thought about just getting it as a tattoo, but since it's such a simple design, that seems kind of silly. I feel like a brand would be much more meaningful.

It stands for things like; strength, untamed potential, courage, energy, health, wisdom, formulation of the self. 

Truth or Dare

My 500th post is coming up soon, and I'd like to do something special. Unfortunately, I can barely even think of anything to write about for my normal posts. So, does anyone have any questions they would like me to answer? Any particular topic they would like my twisted perspective on? Anything you think I should do, and then write about? Probably not, but I just thought I'd ask.

"I double dare you." 

Fear

You know that saying "People fear what they can't understand"? Well, I've been thinking about that, and I don't think that's quite right. People may not particularly like what they can't understand, but I think what people actually fear is what they can't control. We naturally have this need to feel that we have power over our lives and, when we encounter things that we know we can't control, we tend to flip out.

Yesterday, my mom and I watched Iron Man 3. If you've seen it, you know that Tony starts having anxiety attacks after the Battle of New York. Obviously, that would have been a rather unnerving experience. But I think the real issues was that, for the first time in his life, he was in a situation that he felt he had absolutely no control over, and he didn't know how to deal with that.

I think it is a pretty important issue for nearly all of us. We all want to feel that our lives are in our own hands, that we get to decide what happens to us. Unfortunately, the world is an unpredictable place. Furthermore, we all have to deal with other people, who all have their own goals and plans and are all trying to keep their own lives under control.

Anyway, I believe the best way to deal with this, much like Tony did, is by focusing on the things we can control. Personally, I pretty much live in a constant state of feeling zero control over my life. I'm fairly used to it at this point. So what I do is to focus on the one thing I do have control over, which is myself. It seems to work quite well for me, at least as far as fear is concerned. I may have a shit-ton of issues, but fear is not one of them. I know that I have no say over what happens to me in my life, but I trust myself to be able to deal with whatever comes. 

 "You experience things and then they're over and you still can't explain them." 

Shared Interests

Why is it, do you think, that people in general don't seem to be able to fully enjoy things unless they have other people to enjoy them with? I know this is the case for me, and it seems to be so for most other people as well. We want to share our interests with those around us. We want our friends and family to understand why we love the things we love and, preferably, for them to love those things as well. But why? Why is it so important to us that other people share in our interests? I mean, I don't know about the rest of you, but most of the things I enjoy don't necessarily require any other people. It's not like I'm particularly interested in any kind of group activities. So why the fuck do I care if anyone else wants to watch my favorites movies or TV shows, or laughs at the strange things that I think are funny, or wants to wander around in the woods and climb on dead trees (yeah, that counts as one of my interests)?

Probably Stupid

For the last week or so, I keep thinking that I really want to get a bike. Like a bicycle, not a motorcycle (I couldn't even manage to drive a scooter, so a motorcycle would probably be a bad idea. Also, I'm way too poor for that). Anyway the reason for this is that, because my car gave out months ago, I have been driving my mom's car for a long time now. I didn't really have much of a choice there for a while because first I was working at Goodwill, then I was doing all that painting in Fairmont. But I kept thinking that eventually I would be able to buy my own car and give hers back. Well, that's obviously not happening any time soon. However, I'm now working in Mannington again, which is not very far from my dad's house. So I'm thinking I should just buy a bike. Here's why;

1- I could give my mom her car back.

2- It would be good exercise. 

3- It would save money on gas.

4- It might be kind of fun, at least when the weather is decent. 

5- It's possible that this has something to do with the fact that my dad and I are watching Dark Angel again, and that always kind of makes me wish I worked for Jam Pony. 

Not a Bad First Day

I (re)started working at the chiropractor's office yesterday. I had a grand total of one massage scheduled. His appointment was at 3:30. I waited around for twenty minutes and the guy never showed up. Great way to start off, right? Well, it all worked out okay in the end. I decided to hang out at my mom's house for a while, and I wound up working on one of my old clients from when I worked there before. It was nice actually, I was glad to see him, and he rescheduled for next week. So I'd say I'm off to a pretty good start so far.

New, Old Job

Sorry about the lack of post again last night. The internet at my dad's house has been compete shit the last couple of days, so I had to come to my mom's house. I think I may have to rearrange my post schedule to prevent this issue.

Anyway, it looks like I'm going back to work at the chiropractor's office. Who knows, it might be okay. It does have it's perks.
1-It's right in Mannington, so I won't have to drive far.
2-I'm only working in the afternoons, which is pretty important to me.
3-It's very part-time so I will still have time to make jewelry and whatnot, even though that has been a big waste of time so far. And although that means I won't be making much money, that's okay because I really don't need all that much.
4-Knowing that I have someplace I HAVE to be at a given time makes it a lot easier for me to actually get up and get moving in the mornings, which is why I was up at six today.
5-Now I won't have to feel like a complete slacker, just mostly a slacker

I think I would make a lot more money if I were a Pishtaco though. 

Productive Day

I actually got a lot of shit done today. I feel pretty good about that. Besides my usually dishes and laundry; I also gave the dogs a bath (which was long overdue), gave Chuck a haircut (which was even longer overdue), and...here comes the really exciting part.......did an actual pull up! I know it sounds really pathetic to be so excited about that but I've been working on it for something like a year and a half, and I finally got it! I don't even know why it's so important to me, but I've never been able to do pull ups and I've always wanted to. Well, now I can and it's pretty fucking exciting for me. Also, that's at least one thing I can cross off my list of goals for the year.

"I win." 

You Live, You Learn

Sorry I couldn't post this last night; our internet was down, yet again. Anyway, I went to the poetry slam last night. Let's just say, I didn't do so great. It's really ridiculous how things work out in my life. At the last poetry slam, if you recall, I didn't realize how the whole thing worked and so I only brought one poem. Also, I was fucking terrified. At the end of the first round, which at the time I thought was the only round, I think I was in second place. Which obviously meant I would have gone on to the second round, if I'd had another poem with me. This time I actually had three poems and, shockingly, by the time I got up to read the first one I was really not all that nervous. So, naturally, I got the lowest score out of anyone and therefore didn't get to do my other two poems.

I had decided ahead of time to do what I thought was my least impressive poem first, because it would also be the least stressful. That way by the time I got to the end, I would be used to the whole thing, and might actually do okay with my longer, more intense poems. Apparently, this was the wrong tactic. Everyone else obviously did their best ones first, and went downhill from there. Here's the funny thing though. I really didn't care that much that I did so shittily. I mean, I was disappointed but not that disappointed. The other thing is, it was sort of one of those "face your fear" sort of situations. If I end up doing another one of these, I can't really do any worse than getting the lowest fucking score in the whole group. It's kind of nice.

Poetry and Stupidity

Tomorrow is the poetry slam. So naturally, I have done basically nothing to prepare for it. See the problem is that, as with just about everything in my life, this sounds like a lot of fun until I think about it too much. I have found that, no matter what I'm doing, things go smoother for me if I don't think about anything too much. All of my best work happens when I don't plan it. My brain has this remarkable ability to think of all the ways things can go wrong and all the possible implications of that. Then it throws all of those things at me at exactly the wrong moment. Almost nothing is actually as bad as my brain tries to tell me it is, but that doesn't make me spazz out about it any less. So, apparently, the solution is to just go into every situation completely unprepared.

"Your fault. You spazzed me out."

My Computer Lives!

Guess what, you guys. My sister fixed my computer for me! She seems to have a natural knack for fixing electronics, whereas I posses an uncanny ability to break without having the slightest clue how I even did it. Honestly it is completely ridiculous. Every time I get any new electronic device, it starts acting goofy within a week. Then, eventually, it just gives out entirely for no apparent reason. I think I may have some sort of electromagnetic field surrounding me or something.

If you've seen Powder, you'll get the reference. If you haven't, then you should. 

Very Helpful, Thanks!

So you know how last night I said that the only thing I would really miss in a post-apocalyptic world was my internet access? Well, The Powers That Be decided to help me out with that by going ahead and taking away my computer now. This morning, my compute just kept continually restarting itself. When it finally stopped restarting, I looked at the screen and what did I find? The infamous blue screen of death. I can only assume that The Powers have done this so that I will be entirely ready when the world ends. Or, perhaps more likely, they were just being huge dicks and taking away the one thing that I actually like. Either way, it looks like I may be spending a bit less time online for a while. I will do my best to keep up with my posts but, seeing as how I have generally been writing them in the wee hours of the morning when no other computers are accessible to me, I make no promises.

Sam knows how I feel.

Making Plans

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I'm fairly convinced that our world is going to fall apart pretty soon, in some way or another. I often find myself unintentionally thinking about what things in my life would have to change, and what things I should be doing to prepare, if society disintegrates. I can never really tell for sure if this is just my mind entertaining itself, or if it's actually something I should be giving serious consideration to. I keep coming up with all these things I should be doing; learning to grow my own food, getting solar panels so I can live off-the-grid, things like that. I also notice this coming into play in my smaller, everyday, decisions as well though. I try not to get too terribly attached to anything that I don't think I would be able to get for myself if everything goes to shit. I think, to some extent, being a vegan in WV has encouraged this type of thinking. You never get too used to having anything because if the one store that carries it decides to stop carrying it, you're fucked. So yeah, my food, beauty products, even clothes, tend to be fairly basic, practical, and easy to come by. So if the apocalypse shows up, I won't really be all that inconvenienced.

Honestly, I think the only thing that would be a big problem for me would be losing the internet. But, then again, if the whole world is going up in flames I might have better things to do with my time than screw around online. 

No Limits

My dad and I started watching Dark Angel again, and in the episode we watched tonight Max was talking about how they were taught that there are "no limits" and that "What the mind can conceive, the body can achieve." I really like that, which is rather unfortunate because sometimes thinking like that causes me to do dumbass things. Any time I see anyone do anything really cool or impressive, I'm like "I want to do that!" I even think this about things that I know aren't real. I'll be watching a movie or TV show and someone will do some really amazing move, and I know that the actor didn't really do that but I'll think "I'll bet it's still possible though......" Most times I stop myself from actually trying to do these things simply because I'm afraid I will severely injure myself and then I'll be forced to explain exactly what I was doing that caused the injury. Instead I will just do other things that are less stupid, so I'll only injure myself a little. It has worked out alright for me so far.

Poetry and Captain America

My mom, my sister, and I went to see the new Captain America today. I don't know how much either of them liked it, but I thought it was fucking amazing! I loved the first one, but this one was so much better. Also, I have decided that I am going to be Black Widow when I grow up. Seriously, if you have the chance, go watch it!

On a more reality-based note, it looks like I am going to be doing another poetry slam, this Friday. So anyone who lives in the area and wants to come see me act like an awkward, socially-incompetent fool on a stage, should totally check it out.  

Good News Everyone!

Okay, so this is going to sound incredibly stupid, but I found a chin workout online a while back. At first I thought "Wow, this is really ridiculous" but I decided to give it a try anyway. I have been doing it every day for about a week now, and I think it's actually working! In the past, no matter what I've done, I've always had a little bit of a double chin. No matter how much I work out, every other part of my body may start to look different, but that never seems to go away. Until now! So yeah, I just thought I would share my tiny little victory with all of you.

   

Timing Part 2: The Kind of Weird Part

When I got to Kroger yesterday everything went more smoothly than it ever does. I got all of my stuff and got back out it probably five minutes. When I reached the ridiculous intersection between Kroger and the road back toward my house, I glanced at my phone and noticed the voicemail icon, despite not having heard my phone ring and the fact that there was no missed call message on the screen. I decided I would check it when I got to a place with less traffic. Well, the light turned red just as I got to it, so I decided to go ahead and check the message while I was waiting. It was my mom saying that she had thought of something she needed from Kroger. This would mean I would have to wait through the light, find a place to turn around, sit through the light going the other direction and then fight the traffic to get back into the parking lot. That felt okay though, for some reason.

As I'm coming out of the store, for the second time, I happen to be getting into my car at the same time as the person parked next to me. This turned out to be a guy I had a class with in college. He said that it was ironic that we ran into each other because he and his wife had just gone vegan. I ended up talking to the two of them about it for a good while. I know this probably seems like a small thing, but it makes me feel so much better about the world every time I find out about someone who has gone vegan, especially someone from around here. I started thinking about every thing that happened to put me in that exact spot at that exact time, and it just sort of felt like this interaction needed to happen. On the way back, I started thinking how ridiculous that sounded. Like "Right.... The universe as a whole decided that I needed to talk to people about veganism today. That seems totally plausible. "  

Now normally, I take the back roads, but for some reason I decided, at the last second, to get on the interstate. I kept watching the cars around me, and there was just something strange about the way they were moving, it felt choreographed. A bunch of them would move into the left lane at the same time, then move back into the right lane but staying in the same order. Then two huge Mac trucks paced each other for a good five minutes holding up everyone in both lanes, but no one seemed upset by it. I wasn't upset by it either, and I normally would be.

Taking the interstate meant that I would be going near the game store where I buy used DVDs all the time, so I decided to stop and see what they had. I ended up being the only person in the place. The guy working there was trying to fix some gaming system that someone had brought in. He said to me "I'll give you 15% off if I can get this thing to work." I laughed and said "That sounds good." I stayed for quite a while. When I went to check out, I asked him if he'd had any luck with the gaming system. He looked at the screen and said "No, we're stuck at 99%" (Whatever that means.) Then just as he was ringing up my sale, he glanced at the screen again and said "Wait, it's doing something! That was perfect timing!" and gave me 15% off. Perfect timing is something that just doesn't happen to me. I know it's stupid, but it just kind of felt like The Powers That Be were going "Yeah, we did all this on purpose." You know, like maybe I was exactly where I ought to be.

Timing Part 1: Just a Feeling

This post got absurdly long so I decided to split it up into two, just so you guys won't hate me.

Today was kind of a weird day, not bad weird (for once) but weird. Maybe it was just the nice weather making me a little giddy, or maybe I'm actually losing my mind, but it just sort of felt like everything was happening.....on purpose. If that makes any sense. Normally, if anything holds me up when I'm trying to do something or go somewhere, it instantly pisses me off. Well today I got held up left and right all day, but somehow it was okay. I don't know, it felt like it was for a reason.

First of all, I hadn't intended to go anywhere today. I just suddenly decided to go grocery shopping, just because I felt like it. I never feel like going shopping, never. Then, I didn't even leave the house until almost five, which should have been enough to make me change my mind about going at all. But I still just felt like going. Then, shortly after leaving the house, I turned around to rescue a turtle from the road; which turned out not to be a turtle at all but a leaf. Then as I was passing my mom's house, she just happened to be standing outside. So I stopped to ask her if she wanted me to get anything for her. She said she didn't, and I told her to call me if she thought of anything.

I decided to stop at the mall so I could go to FYE, in hopes of finding a used copy of Captain America, because my mom hasn't seen it and I told her I would rent it. I had already checked both of the Redboxes in Mannington and neither one had it. So I thought "I'll just buy a cheap used copy then." Not only did FYE not have any used copies, they didn't have any copies at all. I decided to look for it at Target, and they had it, but wanted $23 for it. I then proceeded to hang around in Target for what seemed like forever trying to decide if I was desperate enough to pay that much for it. I ultimately decided against it, and finally found it in the Redbox at Kroger. Basically the point here is that the entire trip to the mall was an utter waste of my time. Still, I wasn't bothered by it, for some reason. Even though it had been a completely pointless trip, it didn't feel pointless; it felt important.

Remember my post about how even the most minor decision could have a profound effect on our lives? That's what today felt like. It was like someone, somewhere was trying to make sure I would be at the right place at the right time. Or maybe that I would not be at the wrong place at the wrong time. I don't know. Anyway, more on this tomorrow.

Flawed Logic

I feel like I have gotten a little too good at being by myself. I've always been this extremely socially awkward, weird person but I used to at least try to be better. I haven't been doing that lately. I kind of just decided to get used to being alone a lot, and now I kind of like it. I find that I have lost my tolerance for social interaction. I always was uncomfortable in social situations, but I used to try to be social anyway because I thought it was worth it. Now I just dread ever being around people at all. Yet, there is still part of me that thinks "Oh, someday I'll meet someone I truly connect with." But that's fucking stupid! How in the fuck am I ever going to connect with anyone if I refuse to associate with anyone. Damn you brain! You don't know what you're talking about!

The End of the World as We Know It?

Okay, so the other night I said I was going to give some serious thought to what I would do if I knew the world were ending. Well I have and, to be perfectly honest, I'm still not sure. However, I do have some thoughts on the subject.

First of all, I think this situation would be completely different, at least for me, than if I simply knew that I was going to die. If I knew I were dying, I think I would probably try desperately to find a way to leave behind some sort of legacy before it was too late. I would want to make sure that my life meant something. I would want everyone who was left to remember me fondly and feel that I made a difference. Not that I think this would really do any good. That's pretty much what I've been doing my whole life anyway. Then again, I have always worked best under pressure. So you never know, I might come up with something.

The point is, if the entire world were about to end, that would no longer matter. There is no such thing as a legacy if everyone is dead. Why bother doing something memorable if there is not going to be anyone left to remember it? However, I still don't think I would feel comfortable spending my last days doing purely selfish things, and I still really wouldn't even know what kinds of things those would be anyway. Basically at that point, the only thing that would have any meaning at all is helping another being find a little bit of happiness. Nothing would matter to anyone anymore except how they felt in those last few moments.

So here it is. Are you ready? Here is my plan for the apocalypse; I would travel around and release as many captive animals as possible into the wild. This is something I've wanted to do a million times anyway, and the only thing that has really stopped me from doing it is the thought "What if they can't survive in the wild?" "What if I release them and they just die even sooner than they would have if I'd left them alone?" Well, in this situation it wouldn't matter. If everyone is going to die anyway, at least this way they would die free. They might even get a chance to be happy for a little while. And I could die feeling like I made a difference because maybe I brought a few moments of joy to someone.

Well, That Was Fucking Gross

I was all prepared to write a post about what I would do if the world were coming to an end, like I talked about yesterday. I even started writing one this morning. But you know what? I'm not really in a deep, introspective mood anymore. Why? You ask. Well, because this day was unpleasant and just plain gross. First off, when I went to feed the pigs this evening, a car went blasting past me and nearly ran me down. The driver then proceeded to stop in the middle of the rode a few feet past the pig barn, apparently so the person in the passenger seat could puke out of the door into the road. Charming. Then the driver went a few more feet and let the passenger out at the end of a driveway and turned around. I would have assumed that they were drunk, but it was 7:30, so I don't fucking know. But wait! That's not even the really bad part! Later, my dad and I are watching TV and Riley Pug is laying on the couch between us, like he always is. So I'm sitting there with my feet folded up onto the couch beside me, and Riley is laying with his head next to my feet. Then he stands up, turns around, and shits on my feet! Yeah. Yeah. What the fucking hell?!

This whole day basically felt like this ^

Maybe I'm Reading Too Much Into This?

My dad and I finished up Sarah Connor last night (I may write about that eventually, but right now I'm still working through the ending), so tonight we ended up watching Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. I had seen it before, but I had forgotten how much I liked it. If you haven't seen it, basically the idea is that there is an asteroid heading for Earth and there's nothing we can do about it. So everyone is just trying to decided what to do with their last few weeks of life. It was a bit exaggerated and over-the-top but in a good way (at least in my opinion).

This movie raised a few interesting thoughts and questions for me.
1-What would I do if I knew the world was coming to an end? I honestly don't know, and that bothers me. I'm going to give this some serious thought, and mayhap I will write a post about it at a later date.
2-What would the average person do in this situation? In the movie there seemed to be, primarily, two types of people; those who mostly just went about their lives as if nothing had changed, and those who completely let loose and did everything they had been too afraid to do before. I feel like this is probably fairly accurate. I may go into more detail about this later as well.
3-I'm going to try not to give too much away for those who haven't seen it, but there is one part where the girl tells the guy that she wishes they could have met earlier (you know, before the world was ending) and he says that it couldn't have happened any other way. I think maybe he was right. The two characters were extremely different and had totally different outlooks on life. The thing that allowed them to connect with each other was the fact that none of the things that they had previously valued in their lives really mattered anymore. It seems really sad to me that there may be people out there that we could have this incredible connection with, but we never will because our lives/priorities/values/ideals/preconceptions prevent it. In this situation, none of that had any meaning anymore.
4-You know my post from a few days ago where I talked about how some people are just naturally fascinating and some are boring no matter what they do? The girl (Penny) in this movie is one of those fascinating people. She is weird and scattered and seems to have no fucking clue what she's doing with her life, yet everyone loves her. I mean, how could you not? She is fantastic! But why? I feel like she is everything I could be if I could figure out how.
5-There is a scene which goes like this
Dodge- "What'd you do? Before."
Penny- "I think you could say that I dabbled."
I fucking love that! That just sounds so much better than "I had a bunch of different jobs that I hated." Which is what I'm pretty sure she meant.

Seriously, she's great. 

 

It's Happy for Deep People

From my experience it seems that the majority of people, when they are unhappy, like happy things to make them feel better. This has never been the case for me. When I'm in a shitty mood (which is pretty much all the time, in case you hadn't noticed), I like sad things. I can't fucking stand watching comedies, or listening to perky, upbeat music when I'm sad or angry; It just pisses me off. I need emotional intensity. Perhaps this is because my own sadness tends to stem from boredom or frustration rather than any sort of real emotion. I like to feel things intensely, even bad things. Since I don't get that in my real life, I generally have to get it vicariously through TV shows, movies, music, whatever. Happy never really seems to translate for me though. No matter how many happy things I watch or listen to it always comes out as pissed for me. Sadness always seems to work though.

I feel like there are two types of sadness 1-The kind that stems from deep-seated unhappiness. This type is purely unpleasant and is not something that anyone would ever seek out. 2- The sort of beautiful sadness that comes from experiencing the entire range of human emotion. I think Sally Sparrow had a good understanding of this one.

I've always liked old thing too, by the way. 

 

Terrible Dull

Do you ever feel like you have the potential to be a fairly interesting person, if you only knew how. See, I think if I made a list of all of my characteristics, and the events in my life, and the things I've done, I would probably sound like a pretty interesting person. I mean, I do have some rather unique qualities, and I've had some fairly unusual experiences. Yet somehow I manage to be painfully boring. Is there some trick to making yourself seem interesting that I'm not aware of? How is it that some people manage to seem inherently fascinating and other people just sort of fade into the background no matter what they do?

I was looking for a screencap from Firefly of Saffron saying "Life like yours, I fear you'd find mine terrible dull." Instead I found this, and it's much funnier.Because, you know....."Some people juggle geese."

Easily Influenced

I know I talk about this a lot, but that's because I think about it a lot. I am constantly changing my mind about what to do with my life. The weirdest things can completely change my entire outlook on life. I mean, I can have a fairly solid idea about what I want to do. Then I see, or hear, or think about, some random-ass thing and all of a sudden my whole life-plan looks totally absurd. I can totally talk myself into thinking all of these things are good ideas too. It's not like an idea occurs to me and I think "Hey I should do that!" and then go "No, I shouldn't." It's more like "Hey I should do that!" then "And here's 437 reasons why!" The thing is, there are so many things that I'm interested in, just not interested enough to do that one thing for my whole life. You want to know how ridiculous this can get? When I saw the episode of Supernatural called "The Purge" you know the one with the fat sucking creature who ran a weight loss spa? I thought "I should open a spa like that!" Here are some reason I thought it would be a good idea.
1- I could help people get healthier and feel better about themselves.
2- I could encourage people to eat a vegan diet (The food at the spa in the episode is actually what first got me thinking about this)
3- It would involve several of my interests; natural health, fitness, psychology, etc.
4- There are a shit ton of people around my area who could use this sort of thing (whether they would actually do it or not is another matter, but still)
5- It would allow me to avoid getting some other shitty job.

More on Music

Yesterday, my sister and I were talking about music, and apparently we both have a tendency to become suddenly and intensely obsessed with particular songs. Is this something that happens to most people? I'm not talking about "Ohh, I really like this song!" I'm talking about "Holy fuck! This song touches my very soul, and I'm going to listen to it eight hundred times in a row!" The funny part is that sometimes it's a song I've heard a million times before and it just suddenly takes on a whole new meaning for me and I love it viciously for a while, until another song takes over for it. I have a whole bunch of songs on my iPod that I'm really not that into just for this reason. I never know when one of the songs I never really cared about before could become my new favorite. When this happens I will 1- listen to said song over and over again until I have it memorized (not just the lyrics, but exactly how every part of the music sounds) 2-Look up the lyrics, to make sure I have them right 3- Keep listening to it until I get completely tired of it 4- Find a new song, and repeat. What does this say about me as a person.......?

This movie did have a pretty amazing soundtrack. Not as good as Dollhouse, but still. 

Dollhouse Music

Sorry there was no post last night. Our internet was out, yet again. At first I could not figure out what the deal was, because the weather was nice and there was no apparent reason why it should be out. Then, this morning it was working fine, despite the fact that it looks kind of shitty outside. Then I realized that today is the 1st and now I think I probably actually used up all of our.....whatever the fuck it is that gets used up when you have Hughesnet.

Anyway, this is not particularly surprising because I have been watching a lot of YouTube videos and downloading songs from iTunes in the last few days. The things is, my mom and I just finished watching Dollhouse (that's three points for me, if you're keeping track) and this time around I really started paying attention to the soundtrack. Now I am totally obsessed! That show seriously has one of the best soundtracks I have ever heard. At least as good as Supernatural, but a totally different feel. They have this incredible knack for making every song fit so absolutely beautifully into the scene in which it plays.

I am particularly crazy about this one.

Plus, you know my post from a few days ago, when I talked about wanting to be everything. Well ^ she pulled it off. The girl in this video is Maurissa Tancharoen, and she; wrote and sang this song among many others, has written and produced various TV shows (including Dollhouse and S.H.I.E.L.D.), and she acts from time to time (as Kilo in Dollhouse, for example.)

"Oh god, she's so cool"