Self-Awareness

One of these days, I really am going to get my shit together and post everyday. Anyway.

I really hate myself sometimes for being as unhappy as I am. I feel like, to an outside observer, my life really doesn't seem all that bad. So what right do I have to feel the way I do about it? Furthermore, I pretty much always hate myself for how incredibly angry I get over the most mundane annoyances. I mean, one tiny thing goes wrong and I'm utterly furious for most of the day. I think I finally figured out though, why it is that I am the way I am. It's not like knowing why is actually going to change anything, but at least I understand now. So here's my theory; I think there are a few basic things that people need to have, or feel that they have, in order to function in an even remotely healthy way.

1- Purpose- People need to have concrete goals to work toward. They need to know where they want to be and what steps they should take in order to get there.
2- Fulfillment- People need to feel that the things they do matter. Their lives need to have value for them.
3- Connection- People need other people. Whether romantic or platonic, people need to feel deep connections with others. They need to feel understood, accepted, and appreciated.
4- Space- People need to have a safe place. They need to have a place to go that feels like their own, a place to get away from the rest of the world and feel at home.
5- Control- People need to feel like they have some small measure of control over what happens to them. They need to feel like they have the ability to shape their own futures, like their choices matter.

The problem is, I don't feel like I have any of these things.

1- I don't know what the fuck my purpose is.
2- I know, for a fact, that nothing I'm doing right now matters in the least.
3- Basically, the only people I even associate with are my immediate family and, half the time, they don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about.
4- I can't even remember when the last time was that I felt "at home" in the place I was living.
5- No matter how hard I try, every choice I make somehow gets me farther and farther from where I want to be.

The point here is this, I have GOT to get some of this shit figured out or I am going to end up spending the rest of my life as a giant fuming ball of rage. I don't have any of the big things that people need in life, so I put far too much importance on the little things. So then, one little thing gets fucked up and my world falls apart. I am basically holding my psyche together with duct tape.

To make up for the fact that this post is so depressing and whiny, here is a picture of Impala being all adorable.

Conundrum!

Do you ever feel like the aspects of yourself that you value most are also the ones that are the most detrimental to your overall well-being? Probably not I guess, because that sounds completely crazy! Nonetheless, I feel like that is the case for me most of the time. The few things that I actually value in myself are the things that separate me from the rest of society and make it difficult for me to interact effectively with other people. My beliefs about animal rights are obviously the most apparent, but there are many other things as well; my overwhelming need for self-control, my unwillingness to conform to societal norms, my desire for strength and self-sufficiency even at the expense of femininity, etc. I was thinking recently about whether or not, if given the chance, I would sacrifice some of these things in order to improve my life. I decided that, no I would not. These things are just too important to me. Then the more I thought about it I realized that, if I didn't have those things, I probably wouldn't see the value in them and therefore wouldn't want them or miss them if they were gone. Just to be clear, I still would never EVER change the way I feel about animal rights, but those other things, perhaps.

The Control Switch

Sorry about the super depressing posts from yesterday guys. I'll try to be a little less disturbing today, but only a little okay?

One of my major goals in life is to get to the point where I can be the person I really am, around other people. I don't think there is anyone in my life who would recognize me if they could see me when I'm alone. I'm not sure how to accomplish this. I don't know if I just need to change the way I think, or if I need to meet the right people, or what. It's like there's this control switch that automatically get turned on when other people are around. It's not something I do on purpose, I mean sometimes I do it on purpose but it happens whether I want it to or not. Everything just gets toned down. If I see something really funny when I'm alone, I might laugh about it for ten minuets but, if someone else is in the room, I could see the same thing and I'd probably just do that weird little scoff thing and that's it. When I'm by myself I sing all the time, sometimes very loudly and enthusiastically, but there have been multiple times when someone has asked me "hey how does that one song go?" and I am incapable of singing it. I will just say the lyrics, even though it's harder for the person to recognize the song that way. Sometimes I get this urge to just do some weird physical activity like climb a tree or hang upside down from the rafters in the pig barn. If I'm alone I go ahead and do it, but there's no way in hell I would do it if someone else was there. There's a good chance that if other people saw this side of me they would just think I'm a lunatic but, who knows, some of them might just think I'm a halfway interesting human being. I don't know I just feel like, if I could learn to leave that control switch off, I might actually have a chance at connecting with people. Unfortunately, I can't seem to do that.