The All-Important Vibe

I have always believed that the way a person looks should convey something about who that person is. Others see us much more often than they interact with us, so it just seems natural that we should make choices about our appearance that take that into consideration. I want to look like someone who the type of people I like would want to talk to. I believe wholeheartedly in presenting, on the outside, the person who I am (or maybe, sometimes, who I want to be) on the inside. Of course, this is even more important for me than it is for the average person because, odds are, even if someone does actually interact with me they will learn almost nothing about who I am. So I'm always trying to put off some particular vibe that hints at who I am, at the time (I'm always changing, you know). Lately I have been shooting for this sort of badass/sexy vibe. So far, I don't think I have managed to pull it off.

Spike knows the importance of the vibe. 

I'm All of Them, But None of Them Is Me

Recently, my mom and I were talking about the idea of changing for other people. This is something that happens quite a lot in romantic relationships, but I think it probably happens fairly often in any kind of relationship. We all want to be accepted by the people we care about, so we pretend to be what they want us to be. I think it's pretty much accepted as fact that this is a mistake. We shouldn't change for people. However, I think it is an inevitability that we will be changed by people. When you think about it, most of what we are is a composite of all of the people we have known. We absorb things from others, often without even realizing it. Our tastes, our mannerisms, our vocabularies, are all determined by the people we spend time with. I don't know, but I actually think this (as opposed to consciously choosing to change the way you are) can be a very good thing. I think it's a big part of how we grow and evolve. We see things that we like in others and some part of us adopts them for itself. We are who we are because of the people we've known.

* The title is a quote from this^ scene in Dollhouse. 

The Interesting People

Yesterday I mentioned "the interesting people" who came into Goodwill, so today I thought I would go into a bit of detail about them. First, a guy came in looking for things to take apart and use for pieces of a steampunk costume. When he told me about it, he was so happy that I actually knew what steampunk was that he showed me pictures, on his phone, of the stuff he had already made. I will tell you right now, it was pretty badass. The second interesting person was a guy I have seen in the store a couple of times before and I am always impressed by his determination to just not give a fuck about what other people think. He dresses in women's clothes, but nothing over-the-top, sort of what you might call business casual. He is obviously not, however, trying to look like a woman. He has a very traditional male haircut, and a mustache. I happen to think that is pretty fucking cool. He is basically saying "Yeah, I'm a guy and I like to wear women's clothes. So what?" Also, he looks better in those clothes than most of the women I see come through that place.

This is the closest thing I could find to anything that looked like the costume Steampunk Guy was making. 

They Passed Down All the Roads Long Ago

You know what, every once in a while, we actually get some fairly interesting people in the Fairmont Goodwill. When this happens, it makes me think that maybe, just maybe, I'm not entirely doomed after all. Not that I'm saying necessarily that the interesting people I am referring to have anything in common with me (although, sometimes it seems that they might) but the simple fact that they exist in this place make me think that there is a chance that other people like me exist here too. I mean you never know.

Sometimes I am tempted to ask these people if they have seen others like me. 

Slut-Shame

I have noticed a lot of talk lately, within my social (media) circle, of "slut-shaming". There seems to be a pretty large movement, as of late, to put an end to this practice in an attempt to free our society of it's double-standard when it comes to sexual activity. I agree with this movement to some extent. However, I happen to believe that there is more to it than most people seem to acknowledge. Personally, I feel that which, and how many, people a person chooses to have sex with is entirely that person's business and in no way reflects on any other aspects of his or her character. For example, let's say I met this really cool, interesting, kind-hearted, intelligent woman with lots of interest and causes that she cared about. I truly wouldn't care the tiniest bit if I found out that she likes to fuck five different guy a night, because that's not who she is. On the other hand, someone who has no interests, no real personality, and nothing else to identify her by, who sleeps with a lot of guys ends up being defined by that one trait. So yeah, I believe that is something to be ashamed of, especially if you go along willingly. Basically my idea about slut-shaming is this; there is nothing shameful about being a "slut" the shameful thing is being a slut and nothing more.

Regardless of her job, I think she would have been a cool person to hang out with. Now Kiki, on the other hand.......

P.S. I think my Dollhouse references make even less sense to the average person than my other TV references.

Flirting Fail

I kind of got flirted with today, so that was sort of nice. I went out to eat with my mom, my sister, and my sister's boyfriend. By the way, when I say "went out to eat" with them, I mean sat at the table with them and watched them eat. Always nice and awkward. Anyway, the waiter started asking me about my tattoo, the vegan one with all the animals. First he asked if he could see it, then where I got it done, then he told me how nice it looked, then he asked me if I get a lot of compliments on it, then if anyone ever says anything negative when they see it. Then he said something like "the only thing missing is a picture of me." I just kind of laughed, thinking he was just being weird. Then he was like, "No I mean people call me cabrito. It means baby goat." I have no idea why they call him that, but the whole thing was pretty cool actually. Of course I, being the awkward and utterly socially inept person that I am, tried to be charming but I'm pretty sure I just looked at him like this.

Plus, I still sound like shit because of the stupid cold.

It's Fun If You Pretend It's Really Important

Lately, my mom's ceiling has been leaking water all over her floor; so today I went to her house to help her figure out where the water was coming from. I ended up going up inside the attic to look for moisture. This involved climbing up a ladder and through a hole in the wall into a space that was about a hundred degrees and filled with dirty old insulation. Then I had to carefully crawl across a board that was laying across the rafters, and a few rafters with no board, for about thirty(?) forty(?) feet (I'm terrible at estimating distance) on my hand and knees while carrying a flashlight. It was probably the high point of my week.

I felt like I was Echo, trying to save my original personality wedge.   

That's Just Charming

Well, I made it through my two days of work with my fucking cold. It was not fun, but I survived and now I'm off for the next three days, yay! I actually felt a lot better today, but I sounded like complete shit. My voice decided that it would be really amusing to alternate randomly between deep and raspy, and super high-pitched and squeaky, and then to occasionally just cut out altogether. Then I tried to sing along with the radio, in the car, on the way home and gave up when I found that it was so bad that it hurt both my throat and my ears. I really hope what happened last time I had a cold doesn't happen this time. For whatever reason, I got a cold, it went away, then I proceeded  to sound like I had been smoking since I was five for upwards of a month.

I kind of sounded like her, only worse. 

Illness Induced Metaphors

As far as I'm concerned, one of the only perks of being a cashier is that you have almost no responsibility. You see, cashiers are sort of like light-bulbs; the job they do is necessary, but the individual bulb is basically meaningless. One burns out and you stick any other one in it's place. They are interchangeable and easily replaceable. This relieves the cashier of any sense of obligation. They push their little buttons and count their money and then go on with their lives with no concern for anything else that happens in the store. This being said, you would think that if a cashier say, has a cold and just wants to call off work and sleep all day she should be able to do that, yeah? No. Not me. I knew I was supposed to close by myself tonight so I had to go anyway, because I really didn't know what they would do if I didn't.

I Am Human

It seems that I may have a cold. I am more bothered by this than I have any right to be. You see, I have this need to convey an image of invincibility. I'm not sure how many other people buy into it, but I usually manage to keep myself pretty well convinced. Veganism keeps me healthy; I'm fairly certain this is the first illness I have had in at least a year and I'm still not even entirely sure that's what this is. I mean I am surrounded by allergens of every shape and size all day long. My workout schedule keeps me strong, and I compensate for any lack of strength I may have with pure stubbornness. And my high pain tolerance and lack of concern for my own safety give me the distinct feeling that nothing can hurt me. That is, until I get a fucking cold! Then I realize that despite my best efforts (and my best delusions) I am still just human after all. Alas.

Business Cards

Last night, when I was making my top ten lists, I mentioned Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (the book, not the movie). There were many things in the book that I absolutely loved, plus Oskar was just a generally cool kid and a vegan! One of my favorite things in the whole book was the fact that he had business cards with general information about himself, along with his various talents. I have often thought, since reading the book, that I should make some of those cards and pass them out to people I find interesting. I think such a thing would be very helpful for those of us who have a hard time starting conversations with people. "Hey, you seem like a cool person. Here's everything you would ever need to know about me. If you like it, send me an email."

I think my cards would be something like this.

                                                               Whitney Metz

Vegan, Blogger, Armchair Activist, Occasional Actual Activist, Self-Proclaimed Badass, Pig/Dog/Cat guardian, Aspiring Witch, (Sort of) Poet, Metaphorical Doormat, Tattoo Enthusiast, Former Massage Therapist, Health/Fitness Nut, Designated Bug Catcher, Self-Control Freak, SciFi/Fantasy Nerd, Environmentalist, Logophile, Former Psychology/Sociology/Apparel Design/Chemistry Major, Misanthrope, Occasional Sesquipedalian, Would Be Demon Hunter/Ghost Hunter/Vampire Slayer, Introvert, Former Farm Sanctuary Volunteer, Semi-Masochist, Procrastinator, Yoga Lover, Misfit, Potential Future Writer, Goodwill Cashier, Compulsive Helper, Jewelry Maker, Pessimist, Steering Wheel Singer, Trash Mouth, Avid Reader, Former Construction Laborer, Germaphobe, Limit Pusher, Social Invalid, Over-thinker, Work in Progress.
Email; Whitneythedryad@vegemail.com

Perhaps someday I'll add to this list "Inventor of Socially Awkward Cards; The business cards for people who don't know how the fuck to interact with humans."

Top Tens

So you know last night when I mentioned "real writing"? Well it turns out I was talking about writing lists.

Here are my top ten favorite things in various categories, not necessarily in any particular order.

Movies:
1-Bold Native
2-Year of the Dog
3-My first Mister
4-Across the Universe
5-The Matrix Trilogy
6-Garden State
7-The Breakfast Club
8-Zombieland
9-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
10-Donnie Darko

Books:
1-The Dark Tower series
2-Farm Sanctuary
3- The Last Unicorn
4-The Shining
5-Looking for Alaska
6-The Folk of the Air
7-The Perks of Being a Wallflower
8-Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
9-Paper Towns
10-Vegan Freak

Musicians:
1-Bob Dylan
2-Bright Eyes
3-The Giving Tree Band
4-Dar Williams
5-The Beatles
6-Mumford and Sons
7-Rise Against
8-Shawn Mullins
9-Elliot Smith
10-Fleet Foxes

TV series:
1-Supernatural
2-Firefly
3-Being Human
4-Buffy
5-Doctor Who
6-Angel
7-Dollhouse
8-Torchwood
9-Sherlock
10-The Invisible Man. I haven't seen it in years, but it was the first show I ever fell in love with so it has to be on the list.

These may not, in fact, be my favorites. I will almost certainly post this and then instantly think of twenty things that should have been here, and be mad at myself for forgetting them. Oh well, these are still all very good things.

Top ten, get it? 

Elven Magic

I'm feeling a tad uninspired from my day at work, so I think I will do another product review and save my "real" writing for a day when my brain is functioning at a slightly higher level.

Has anyone tried E.L.F. makeup? Well you should. This shit is great and VERY cheap....and.......get this...... cruelty-free and VEGAN! The cruelty-free is printed right on the label, the vegan I had to do a bit of research for, but it seems that the only animal product they ever used was beeswax and they recently replaced it with synthetic. For those of you who don't know, vegan makeup is ridiculously hard to find and usually costs a shit-ton of money. When I say this stuff is VERY cheap, I mean it. Almost everything they sell is between one and three dollars, and everything I have tried stands up just fine to all the stuff I used to pay ten or fifteen dollars for. In fact, I would say that their Mineral Infused Mascara is the best mascara I have ever used, and it's three dollars! So yeah, check it out and save yourself some money. Plus, it's called elf and elves are awesome. What more can you ask for?

Half-Assed Post, Sorry

Sorry, tonight's post is going to be rather short. You see, I have to be at work tomorrow at ten (which is just fucking awesome, by the way) so I should get up around four, if I actually want to get everything done. We'll see how that goes. Anyway, it's late, and I'm tired, and I have to get up really early. So I'm just going to share the one tiny good thing that happened today.

THEY FIXED THE FUUUUUUUUCKING SIIIIIIIIIIIINK!!!!!! (you must imagine this sentence being sung, loudly, to the tune of.......)

For anyone wondering what the hell I'm talking about; they finally fixed the stupid motion sensor sink, at work, that was causing me so much trouble. I'm am more excited about this than I should be. Also, the imagine is from the musical episode of Buffy. 

All Philosophical and Shit

I have decided to get all philosophical with my post tonight. I also happen to be half asleep, so it may just come out sounding like I'm really stoned. Apologies in advance if that is the case.

Here goes. What is it that makes different people feel differently about things? Why does one person like something and another not? Take food for example; why do some people love broccoli and other people hate it? Does it actually taste different to one person than it does to another? Furthermore, how can any of us actually know what something tastes like to someone else, or sounds like to them, or feels like to them? When you play your favorite song for someone and they hate it, do they really hate the same thing that you love or is it completely different inside their head than it is inside your's? The one that I find myself wondering about the most is physical sensations and biological responses. I, for example, love a good adrenaline rush; my mother, on the other hand, would avoid them at all costs. Why? Why would, say, the thought of jumping out of an airplane fill me with excitement and her with complete terror. Are we, in fact, experiencing the same thing, and interpreting it differently, or are they actually two totally different sensations?

Thank you, Rachel, for pinning this today. I think it's kind of perfect for this post. 

Volatile Vegan Fitness

For the first time in my life, I am half-way satisfied with the state of my body. Just so you know, I will never be entirely satisfied with the state of my body (or anything else for that matter) because I am obsessive and filled with of self-loathing. However, I feel that at this point I look better and am more physically capable (which, in my opinion, is just as important to one's feelings about his/her body) than I have ever been previously. Anyway, not that anyone cares or has any reason to take my advice, but I just thought I would share some of the things that I believe helped me get to the point where I am.

1- Keep trying different workouts until you find one you actually enjoy.
2- Learn to judge your progress by what you are able to do, instead of visible changes to your body.
3- No matter how tired or generally crappy you feel before you workout, you WILL feel better afterward.
4- No matter what anyone tells you, crunches do not do the same thing as sit-ups. Sorry.
5- Pay attention not just to what exercises you are doing, but how you are doing them. It's amazing how much difference it can make to do things the right way.
6- Pay attention to how your body feels when you workout regularly. I never noticed before that I could actually feel the tone in my muscles when I move.
7- Keep yourself motivated by focusing on how far you've come and think about how great it will be if you keep at it, instead of thinking about how much further you have to go.
8- Do at least a few things that are very hard for you. You will be amazed at how quickly they become easy.
9- Yoga makes other types of exercise easier. I think it's mostly that it teaches you how to breathe, but I'm not sure. I just know it works.
10- Do push-ups. Yes, they suck. Do them anyway.
11- Sometimes being obsessive is good; it helps you not to skip doing things that are good for you.
12- Stop eating shitty food. You will get used to not eating it and soon it won't even look good to you anymore. Eventually it won't even look like food to you anymore.
13- Learn to enjoy challenging yourself.
14- Don't even bother with scales; weight means nothing. I have no idea how much I weigh and I truly don't care.
15- I you ever really feel like doing something physical, do it! Do it right then, because the feeling will pass and then you will wish you could get it back.
16- Don't ever buy food that you know you shouldn't eat. If all you have is healthy food then all you will eat is healthy food.
17- Base your goals only on what YOU want. Ignore other people completely. Work as hard as you have to in order to get to a point where YOU are happy with the way you look and feel.
18- Make a rule for yourself that you will do some type of exercise every day, even if it's just for ten minutes.
19- Find excuses to use you new found strength. You will get addicted to the look on people's faces when they see you doing things that they can't do.
20. Most importantly......... GO VEGAN! It will be the best decision of your life. I promise!

Also, you could consider using soulless Sam as inspiration. It works for me. 

It's Okay, I Can Afford it

When I didn't have a job, I somehow managed to spend almost no money. I got by on the little bit I had saved for a very long time (with some help from my parents, unfortunately). So I thought that once I actually had a job I would, at the very least, be able to stop being a huge mooch and hopefully save at least a little bit of money. Instead, it's like this switch has been flipped in my head and now I suddenly feel like I have money, even though I don't at all. I am still just as much of a mooch as I ever was and I haven't saved a fucking cent. I just keep spending money that I don't have on shit that I don't need and telling myself that it's okay because I have a job now.

I just bought this necklace from Hearts In Your Jewelry because it was just too perfect to resist! I am a fool, a poor fool with terrible money-management skills (and a really cool new necklace!). 

That Has to Count for Something, Right?

What does it mean to be really good at something that you see little to no value in? It seems that I am actually quite good at my job. Sometimes I even feel good about the fact that I'm good at it, then I remember that it's basically meaningless and I just feel like a fool for forgetting that in the first place. At least once a week I have a customer tell me how nice, or friendly, or helpful I am. The other night one of the managers told me that I am one of the only cashiers whose judgement she trusts. Today I heard that I helped the store to get a nearly perfect score form a "secret shopper" because I did such a good job of helping her when she came in. Also, I have had tons of customers, some who I didn't even recognize, tell me how happy they are that I'm back. Sometimes I think all of that has to count for something, but then other times I think "Are you serious? You're a fucking cashier! Nothing you do counts for anything."

I suppose it could be worse. At least I don't work at the Doublemeat Palace. 

Futility

My life is a study in futility. I just want to make the world a better place; to be someone who matters. Yet the harder I try to stand out from the crowd, the more I fade into the background. My days, weeks, months, years are an endless cycle of trying, and failing, and trying again. I am Sisyphus. I am a fish swimming upstream in a current that is just a little too strong for her. I am the fucking itsy, bitsy spider. My whole world is a series of marathons of planning, and scheming, and dreaming that inevitably end in crushing disappointment. And after each defeat I am expected to smile politely as I rush back to the starting line to do the whole thing all over again, meanwhile assuring everyone that this time it will be different.

Perhaps It's Just Some Sort of Stroke or Something

I mentioned this to my mom and my sister the other day and it turns out that, yes, it is as weird as I thought it was. Anyway, you know how I have said, multiple times, that I don't really experience a fear response (at least not like other people do)? Well, it turns out, there is one situation in which I do experience it to a rather alarming degree. If I am driving and an animal runs out in front of me, which happens all the time by the way, it's like my heart just stops beating for a minute. Even if I'm far enough back from the animal that I'm obviously not going to hit him, if it even looks for a second like I might, my fucking hands get ice cold and my face goes completely numb. It's not just until the danger has passed either; I have to drive for the next ten minutes or so without being able to feel my face.

I'm fairly certain I've crossed paths with these guys on several occasions. 

Fuck You Too, Sink!

 Even the most mundane aspects of my life have to, for some reason, turn into these huge ordeals. Most people probably don't know this, but working at Goodwill makes your hands incredibly gross. There is some sort of black crud that builds up on the hangers ( I refer to it as "hanger goo")and, by the end of the night, my hands are completely coated with the shit. So, right before we leave for the night, I always go to the employee bathroom and wash my hands so I don't have to drive home with black stuff all over me. Well the automatic sink in our bathroom has decided that it can just come on or not come on as it pleases. So for the past several nights I have; put soap on my hands, lathered them up thoroughly, tried to rinse them, tried to rinse them again, ultimately fought with the sink so long that I finally gave up and went to the customer bathroom (with soap dripping off of my hands), at last gotten the soap rinsed off, found that all of the other employees were standing around waiting for me so we could leave for the night.

Our sink isn't actually one of these; it's one of the motion sensor ones, but I feel like our sink and this sink would get along quite well. 

I Need My Four Hours

Anyone who has ever tried to make plans with me can tell you that it takes me a really, really long time to get ready. For someone who works part-time and has absolutely no social life, I have shockingly little free-time. Somehow, everything I do takes ten times longer than it does for anyone else. Most of my day ends up being filled by the mundane daily tasks that I set for myself leaving little time to do anything fun, or especially productive. I know I should do something to remedy this situation; the problem is, whenever I try to choose things to cut from my daily list of activities, they all seem somehow important. When it comes right down to it, if I have to make room in my schedule for something extra, the only thing I'm willing to sacrifice is sleep.

Something Different

I have decided that tonight I am going to take a break from all of my bitching, and moaning, and depressing poetry to do......get this..... a product review!

A few weeks ago, my mom and my sister went to some local craft fair, which was apparently a fairly large waste of time. They did, however, happen to find a local business that sells handmade soap on Etsy and they bought me a bar of complexion soap. The company is called Simple Minded Bath Co. and they use natural and organic ingredients and apparently many of their products are vegan (though I'm afraid I can't tell you which ones, aside form the kind I use, because my mom asked them about it specifically). Anyway, the one they bought for me is called Going Green-Sea Clay and Avocado Complexion Bar and it is fucking amazing! I'm telling you, this shit works better than anything I have ever tried, and I have tried a lot of different things over the years. My skin is so much clearer than it has ever been, and much softer as well. I love it so much that I have started using it instead of body wash as well as on my face. It has even made my nasty, scratchy feet feel smoother and softer. Seriously, you should try it!

Well, First I Got Up and Had a Piece of Toast. Then I Brushed My Teeth

I sometime really wish that I wasn't so good at pretending to be a nice person. I'm really not all that nice. Most people probably don't believe me when I say that, but I swear it's true. I have just gotten very very good at faking it. The problem with this is, people like to talk to nice people. So, the fact they I act like a nice person causes shit-tons of people to decide to tell me everything about themselves. Worse yet, the only time I interact with people is when I'm at work; and when I'm at work I need to, you know, work! I get all of these customers, mostly old people who I feel really bad for because they apparently don't have anyone else to talk to, telling me their life stories while I'm trying to do my fucking job. I usually try to stand there and listen to them, despite the fact that I am ridiculously busy (because I have to pretend to be nice) but you just can't get some of these people to shut up!

Look Into My Eyes......... or, Better Yet, Don't

There are certain things in life that, no matter how hard I try, I just don't think I will ever be any good at. Unfortunately, some of these things are just normal, basic, human things. One of them is eye contact. Supposedly, it is one of the best ways (possible the only way) to make a connection with someone. It is this incredibly important things in our society and I just can't do it. When I try to, I just end up looking the other person in the eye for about half a second and then freaking out and looking everywhere in the room except at them.

When I try to make eye contact with someone, I feel like fucking Hypnotoad. 

Aranyani

So, I'm almost finished with the Witches' Way. When I actually finish it I will talk a bit more about what I did and did not like about it; although, overall, the belief system fits very well with my own beliefs. One thing that I thought was pretty cool was that, while they embrace the idea of many gods and goddesses, there is no particular set that they adhere to. The authors recommend that each person (or coven) choose their own deities from any number of religions based on which ones resonate with them personally. So today I searched online, for a lot longer than I should have, and I think I finally found my patron goddess. According to Wikipedia; "Aranyani is a goddess of the forests and the animals that dwell within them......she is described as being elusive, fond of quiet glades in the jungle and fearless of remote places." Apparently she is a protector of animals and the forests who has little to no interest in interacting with humans. She is perfect!

Here is a hymn about her from the Rig Veda:

Goddess of wild and forest who seemest to vanish from the sight.

How is it that thou seekest not the village? Art thou not afraid?
 What time the grasshopper replies and swells the shrill cicala's voice,
Seeming to sound with tinkling bells, the Lady of the Wood exults.
 And, yonder, cattle seem to graze, what seems a dwelling-place appears:
Or else at eve the Lady of the Forest seems to free the wains.
 Here one is calling to his cow, another there hath felled a tree:
At eve the dweller in the wood fancies that somebody hath screamed.
 The Goddess never slays, unless some murderous enemy approach.
Man eats of savoury fruit and then takes, even as he wills, his rest.
Now have I praised the Forest Queen, sweet-scented, redolent of balm,
The Mother of all sylvan things, who tills not but hath stores of food.

It's a Trap!

My dad and I had this interesting idea today. It probably won't ever come to anything, because we have a tendency to talk about doing things and never actually do them, but I think it would be a lot of fun if we did. The idea was to make some Youtube videos about escaping from various situations. This came about because we were channel surfing and came upon some movie where a guy gets caught in one of those traps where you step into a loop of rope and get hauled up into the air by your foot. Every movie that I have ever seen where someone gets caught in one of those, the person just hangs there and waits to pass out, or die, or be rescued. It seems to me that it would be possible to get out of one of those if you were able to use your core muscles to pull yourself up and get a hold of the rope, but no ever seems to do that. Of course the only way to know for sure is to try it, and that is why we came up with the whole video series idea. This one is obviously not the most practical one to start with, but we also talked about getting out of handcuffs, being tied to a chair, and I personally would really love to see if I could get out of a car trunk. This lack of motivation to escape things like this is something that has annoyed the shit out of me in a great many movies, TV shows, and books. I am constantly thinking "Why the fuck are you just sitting there? Why aren't you trying to get away?"

When I read this book was the first time I really remember thinking about this. For those who don't know the story; a couple is "playing a game" in which the wife is handcuffed to the bed when the husband suddenly dies of a heart attack and she is left with no way to get out of the handcuffs and ends up just laying there for several days (if I recall correctly). Here was my thought, how hard would it really be to just break the headboard? I guess there's only one way to find out......  

Moving Day

Today I helped my (younger) sister and her boyfriend get furniture moved into their new apartment. Almost everyone I went to school with, and most of the people my sister went to school with are married and have multiple children, meanwhile I am perpetually single, living with my dad and just went back to my old minimum wage job. I wouldn't even mind all of that if I had traded society's idea of "successful" for a life full of excitement and adventure. I would be totally okay with being single and broke forever if I was having fun with it, or doing things that I felt were important, or going interesting places, or having incredible experiences. Unfortunately I pretty much just traded society's idea of "successful" for my own idea of "pathetic". "Oh, you have a house and a husband and three kids? Well, I.... ummmm write a blog."

I Love This Song!

I have this weird obsessive need to memorize any song that I really like. I'm fairly certain that most people hear a song, enjoy it, are happy when they hear it again. I, on the other hand, hear a song, enjoy it, look it up on youtube, listen to it a couple dozen times, look up the lyrics, read them over and over until I have them memorized, sing/hum the song anytime I'm alone for upwards of a week. I also get very annoyed if I think of a song that I used to know and can't remember all of the lyrics anymore.

I have been humming this one since we watched this episode.......two weeks ago? Which would be super awkward to explain if anyone heard me and asked what I was humming. 

Okay?!

I warned you. Here is the list of reasons why people need to stop treating me like some weak, innocent, little, pussy.

1- I have eight tattoos (and didn't whine for a second during any of them, just so you know)
2- I spent two months trudging through snow up to my knees in, frequently single-digit temperatures.
3- I spent another two months lifting trash cans full of shit and wet straw over my head.
4- I once let someone shoot me in the back with a paintball, just for shits. It leaves a fairly massive bruise, by the way.
5- I seem to have completely lost my ability to become afraid, which is pretty cool actually.
6- I worked construction for a while.
7- I work out for an hour and a half every day. This includes my power yoga DVD, twenty push-ups, twenty triangle push-ups, and fifty sit-ups.
8- I can eat spicier food than anyone else I've ever met, and usually enjoy it.
9- I haven't taken any sort of pain killer for over ten years, probably closer to fifteen. No matter what.
10- I have been bitten by a remarkable assortment of animals.
11- I applied for a job as a stripper (it's not my fault they didn't hire me).
12- I was threatened by a Brahma bull.
13- I no longer remember how many speeding tickets I have had (at least four).
14- I kicked a giant dent in the trunk of my car.
15- When I was at WVU, I was one of maybe three people I knew who could drink 151 without a chaser and without making a terrible face.
16- I can kick you in the face if I want, yes you.
17- One of the knuckles on my right hand is permanently kind of weird now, from punching solid objects.
18- I once tasted pepper spray, again just for shits.
19- I genuinely enjoy pushing my body to it's limits, just to see what I can do.
20- I have never gotten stitches, even though I probably should have multiple times.
21- I do not scream.
22- I do not cry.
23- I have probably heard every disturbing, offensive, horrifying joke that ever existed; thanks to the guys I used to hang out with at WVU.
24- Sometimes I like to go running outside in the pitch dark, just to freak myself out a little.
25- I seem to have exceptionally strong bones. I have never broken one despite doing just as many, probably quite a few more, dangerous and injurious things as the average person.
26- I truly don't mind (most types of) pain.
27- I sometimes wish that someone would try to mug me or something, just so I can see if I could take them.
28- I absolutely refuse to go to the doctor or take any kind of medications ever. If something is ever wrong with me, I just wait it out.
29- As anyone who reads this has undoubtedly noticed, I talk like a fucking sailor. Of course I don't talk like this at work or anything, because I don't feel like getting fired, but the rest of the time.
30- I may very well end up liberating some animals someday, but shhhhhh, don't tell anyone.
31- I was the only girl who even took the physical test for the police department, and I passed when at least two guys didn't.
32- I have made myself watch an absurd number of animal cruelty/ factory farming videos because I don't want to try to convince people of something that I haven't seen for myself.
33- I have almost no concern for my own safety.
34- I think really awful things about people, all the time.
35- It's just who I fucking am okay?!

Perhaps Someone Put a Glamour on Me?

There seems to be something about me that causes people to view me as this sweet, innocent (and possibly helpless) little goody-goody. I bugs the shit out of me because it's really just not who I am at all. Furthermore, nothing I do seems to have any effect on it. Yesterday, I was helping one of the guys who works in the back carry some furniture out. It wasn't even anything all that big or heavy, just a couple of cabinets. While we were carrying the first one, he looked all surprised that I was able to carry it and made a comment about me being "pretty tough". With the second one he pointed out my tattoo (which, by the way, is always clearly visible) and said that he didn't realize that I had one. I replied that I actually have eight and he looked totally shocked and then laughed and said "Oh, so you're a bad girl then." which was obviously meant as a joke. These weren't really that big of a deal. I'm just sort of confused by the fact that he didn't think I seemed like someone who would have tattoos. The thing that really annoyed me was that, when I got back, the other cashier grinned and said "So the smallest person ends up carrying the furniture?" I tried to smile back at her, but I'm not entirely sure that it didn't come out looking like a snarl. Because here's the thing; I'm not small! I have seen plenty of small girls around. There are tons of girls who are short, and skinny, and delicate looking. I am not one of them! I'm not short. I'm kind of thin, but I'm toned thin, not bony thin. And no part of me looks the least bit delicate. I have large features, long limbs and really fucking bigs hands for a girl. I'm not small, I'm not weak, and I'm not some "good girl". So what exactly is it that makes people see me that way?

Sam knows what it feels like. 

Also, there is a good chance that tomorrows post will be a list of all the reasons people need to stop treating me like a goody-goody.