Thoughts on Love Part 7: Implications

Okay, so this isn't so much Thought on Love as it is Thoughts Inspired by Thoughts on Love, but oh well. Thinking about all of this has made me realize a few things about my life and myself.

1- I am capable of Love. What I may or may not be capable of is trusting anyone to love me back. This does make me feel a bit better, though it likely won't make my life any better in the long run.

2- If I am ever going to find anyone who genuinely cares about me, I am going to have to stop trying to prove that I am worthwhile and wait to see who will believe that I am anyway.

3- I have to learn to judge my own feelings by this same standard. I have a tendency to try to make my emotions make logical sense and that simply isn't how human emotions work. I need to remember that.

4- I feel infinitely better about things when I understand them, even if it makes no practical difference for me in real life. This is especially true of things about my own thought processes. I HATE not understanding exactly how I feel or why I feel that way. I think this was one of the last subjects that I still didn't have a good handle on, until now.

5- (I think) I am going to go back to school next fall. No matter how much I may hate so many aspects of college, Psychology really does fascinate me. I feel like maybe I actually could make some kind of difference in the world if I can manage to finish my degree.

Mayhap I will be a school counselor. It worked for Buffy.

Well, it sort of did. 

Thoughts on Love Part 6: Love Is a Word

When I spoke to my mom about my definition of Love, she didn't agree. She said "But that has nothing to do with the other person. I believe Love is a verb." Of course, at the time I couldn't think of a way to explain my position. So here it is now.

Love is a word. Like most words, it has many different meanings both by definition and by personal interpretations. It is an act (verb) and an emotion (noun). When I gave my definition of Love, I was referring to the noun form. Even when you think of Love as verb, it can mean completely different things to different people. I believe most people think of the verb form of love as meaning "To experience the emotion of love." What my mom was referring to is the way we behave toward the person we love. The problem with this definition is that, while it encourages us to treat the people we love in a more loving way, it is not an accurate gauge for our emotions. There are plenty of people in the world who can truly Love someone and still treat them like shit; simply because, for whatever reason, they are unable or unwilling to express their emotions in a healthy way. This does not indicate that they don't truly Love the person, simply that they are not conveying that emotion properly. Furthermore, there are plenty of people who are more than capable of acting lovingly toward people they have very little Love for. We all express Love differently. The way we act is a choice, the way we feel is not. What I was attempting to capture with my definition is the common ground we all share when it comes to Love; the one aspect of it that is the same for everyone. I don't know if I succeeded, but that was the goal.

There should be one more of these( should be) and then I'll stop. 

Thoughts on Love Part 5: The Crichton to My Aeryn

Sorry, I just couldn't get through this series of posts about Love without talking about my favorite fictional couple. Over the years, I have found so many characters that I have connected with, related to, rooted for, fallen for, and mourned over. I don't think I have ever  found a couple whose relationship I was more invested in than Crichton and Aeryn though. Normally, I just don't care all that much if Person A and Person B get together or not. Since we started season one of Farscape though, I have been dying to know if Crichton and Aeryn ever get their shit together. Obviously, one reason for this is that, as I mentioned before, Aeryn is basically me. If she can find Love then maybe there is hope for me yet. After I started thinking about my own definition of Love, I realized that the other reason I care so much what happens to them is that they fit so perfectly with what I believe Love to be. Throughout most of the series, Aeryn is cold, angry, lost, and emotionally-stunted (much like someone else we all know) but Crichton still always wants to be around her anyway. He never tries to change her; he never expects her to be anything other than what she is. The only thing he ever really demands of her is that she admit that she loves him back, and even when she won't he still wants to spend all of his time with her. The really beautiful part is that, over time, he does end up changing her. By accepting her and loving her for exactly what she is, he makes her better that she ever was before, without changing the root of who she is. I guess my point here is, I need my own Crichton.

Thoughts on Love Part 4: Perspective

Once I realized what it was about the way the animals behaved towards me that bothered me so much, I started to realize that this same issue has been my biggest problem in all of my relationships throughout my life. I have never really felt that I had anyone who I could count on to WANT to be around me no matter what. I have a few who I know would be there for me if I really needed them, but I hate feeling like it would be because they had to be. So I end up regarding most of my relationships as transactions. "As long as I have something to offer, they will want to be around me." I'm sure that in some cases this is all in my head, but I know for a fact that in some cases it is not. Back when I was at WVU, I used to do everything I possibly could to make myself useful to my group of friends, because I knew that it was what I did for them that made them want to spend time with me. Shockingly, I lost touch with them after I left school. Go figure. It's not that they were bad people or anything. None of them ever set out to use me. I just didn't have whatever it would have taken for them to want to be around me just for myself. Most of the time, I think even the people who care for me the most still wish that I could be something other than what I am. This is a large part of the reason I am always trying to tone down my emotions when I'm around other people. If they knew how I really felt, it would be more than they would want to deal with.

That's right, there are still more of these. I think I may have gone a bit overboard. 

Thoughts on Love Part 3: Inspiration

Just in case you were wondering what precipitated this idea about the true meaning of Love, it was Impala (my cat, not Dean's car). The thing is, I've been having a really hard time getting along with all of the animals lately. I find myself getting extremely frustrated with them all the time. Yet, despite the fact that he is probably more of a pain in the ass than any of the others, I never seem to get as mad at Impala as I do everyone else. I could never really figure out why I wasn't as bothered by his bad behavior as I was by the other animals' slightly less bad behavior. Then it suddenly hit me that it was because, pain in the ass or not, he actually acts like he loves me. I know this probably sounds stupid as hell to most people, but I feel like the others are always judging me, or demanding things of me. They are always wanting something from me, and they are always disappointed when I don't quite deliver. Impala makes me feel like he genuinely enjoys being around me, even when I'm in a pissy mood. Around here, someone is constantly barking at me, or tripping me, or yelling, or trying to grab something out of my hand, or slamming into me. Impala doesn't do that. He just stands near me (but not quite near enough to trip me) and when I look at him he puts his front feet up of the wall and stretches up toward my hand. It's fucking adorable and it makes me feel like he actually likes me as a person.

I pretty much get this look from everyone, all day. I interpret it as "Just look at yourself. Look at what you've become." 

Thoughts on Love Part 2: I've Got It!

Okay, so here it is. My newly-discovered, personal definition of Love.

Love is a genuine desire to be near someone, even when they are at their worst, without any judgements or expectations. That's it. If someone is being kind of shitty and you still want to be around them, without thinking less of them for it, or expecting anything from them in return, that's love. There are lots of other things that go along with Love. Like all the things I mentioned yesterday; putting their happiness on the same level as (and sometimes above) your own, getting enjoyment from seeing them happy, etc. But if you ask me, the difference between love and Love is just simply wanting to be with the other person no matter what. I'm not saying this necessarily has to be romantic love either. I think this could just as easily apply to a best friend or family member. It is that feeling of deep connection and comfort that makes you feel better when you are with a person, than you do when you are not with them.  

Look for part 3 tomorrow.

*I know I used a LOT of plural pronouns in place of singular pronouns, but I hate saying his/her, he/she, whatever. This is one instance where I will knowingly be grammatically incorrect.

Thoughts on Love Part 1: What Is the Meaning of This?

So, I had sort of an epiphany yesterday about the meaning of Love. Maybe it's really stupid, but it felt sort of profound to me. I have more to say about it than I feel anyone would care to read in one post, so I'm splitting it up into a series of posts.

I have often wondered, as I'm sure many people have, about what the true meaning of the word "Love" is. I think most would agree that there are a multitude of different types, and different levels, of love. But there is that one type that we are all always searching for. That's the kind that I could never really seem to define for myself. My mom always says that love is "putting the other person's happiness on the same level as your's." This may be a type of love but, as far as I'm concerned, this is the type that we should feel for all other beings, and the world around us. I don't believe that is nearly enough to satisfy the average person's need for Love. So I thought "Maybe it's putting the other person's happiness above your own." but I tend to do that for everyone as well (which I'm sure is super unhealthy). So, maybe it's getting happiness from their happiness? Not quite, that can happen with any random person, from time to time. So what is it then? Well, I think I've finally figured that out (at least for myself). And I'm going to tell you tomorrow.