Whitney's Haven for Unpleasant Creatures

I feel like someone, somewhere, put out an ad or something telling every creature no one likes to come live at my place. Perhaps something like "Do humans hate you? Are you scorned and threatened everywhere you go? Are you extremely annoying? vaguely creepy? messy? destructive? just plain inconvenient? Then we have the place for you!" In fact, there may even be some sort of underground railroad type situation going on to bring every unwanted or looked-down-upon creature on the planet to my dad's house, my pig barn, or my dad's shop (where I store my pig food, hay, etc.). I wouldn't even mind having them around, if they would just not be assholes about it. Sure, come live here. I don't give a shit, and I promise not to kill you. Just don't make my life difficult. But no! They move in, make themselves at home, and then decide to see how far they can go.

We are particularly overrun with mice and bugs (especially spiders. Holy shit! So many spiders!). Personally, I think mice are adorable; I don't mind having them around, but when they start shitting all over my house or.... OR giving birth in my pig food bags! (yes that actually happened) they become much less adorable. I also don't really have a problem with spiders, unless they build their webs across every doorway and also across every path I take between the house and the pig barn, right about eye-level so that I end up with webs stuck to my face! in the dark! so that I can never really know for sure whether or not there is a spider on my face!

I'm pretty sure they got the idea for the ad from Doyle.

P.S. All of our domesticated animals are obnoxious as hell too, just so you know. 

 

Shocking

Well, surprise surprise, I didn't sell anything at the artist fair. My sister gave out some business cards, but that was it. I pretty much sat there and read Deadpool (and then a novel, after I finished the volume of Deadpool I had) for six hours. Then we went home. Super productive.

My dad and I did get a little but of work done of the camper today. We got the water lines into the well, and got the pump put together (for the most part). Next week, we're going to try to get the electrical lines over to the pump house, so we can make sure the pump works. Then we have about 8000 other things that we still need to do. So yeah, it's still going to be a while.

Speaking of shocking, in this issue, Deadpool did his version of The Aristocrats and I found it pretty hilarious (don't judge me!).

Give It a Shot

Today my sister and I are going to Connector Art's artist and artisan fair in Fairmont, at Palatine Park, if you get a chance you should come check it out. I'm not holding out much hope for actually selling anything, based on past experience with this sort of thing, but you never know I guess. It seems like it might be kind of fun though.

On a totally unrelated note, I think I have everything I need for my Typhoid Mary photo shoot. My swords came yesterday, and I bought the last little pieces for the outfit. I still have to paint the swords and do a little bit of sewing and whatnot. Other than that it's basically ready though. I thinks it's going to be pretty fucking cool.

Ⓥ Abusive Relationship

Someone in one of the vegan groups I follow on Facebook posted a video, a while back, that really got me thinking about body image in our culture. I know I've talked about this before ( a few times, I think) but, hopefully, this is a slightly different perspective on it. I shared the video at the bottom of the page; you should definitely check it out, if you have a chance. 

The basic idea of the video was that there are all of these video bloggers who are promoting unhealthy ideas about body image, and telling girls how to lose weight in unhealthy ways. They condone everything from extreme calorie restriction to diet pills, and pretend that these things are totally acceptable. The video also points out that many of the followers of these blogs are very young and these women are helping them to develop destructive habits very early in life that are likely to cause serious health problems later on. 

I have heard this argument many times before, that our culture puts too much pressure on women, and especially young girls, to be skinny and that it creates a whole society of women who hate their bodies. This video had a slightly different take on it though. Instead of just telling us to love our bodies as they are, he recommends a different set of bloggers who offered advice on healthy ways to take care of your body. These people tell us to eat better food, not less food, and advise their followers to keep their bodies healthy, not skinny. 

I think this is something that needs to be discussed more often. It seems like our culture has two setting, when it comes to body image. There is the group that tells you that you need to be skinny, and there is the side that tells you to "love your body". Well, I agree wholeheartedly that we should love our bodies, but I feel like that means something else to me than it does to most people. It seems like a lot of people who claim to "love" their bodies, don't really do a whole lot to take care of them. 

To me, claiming to love your body while depriving it of the things it needs, like healthy food and exercise, sounds an awful lot like an abusive relationship. Saying "I love you" while abusing or neglecting the one you claim to love is not really love. If we truly want to love our bodies, we should absolutely stop starving them and hating them for not looking the way we want them to, but we should also do what is necessary to keep them healthy, like giving them proper nutrients and exercise and not filling them up with foods full of chemicals, grease, sugars, cholesterol, and other nasty things. 

Another thing to consider when talking about loving your body is the fact that our bodies aren't these separate things that we can observe from a distance. Our bodies are us. Whether you believe there is more to us than our physical bodies or not, I think we can all agree that, at least for the duration of our lifetime, we are inextricably tied to our bodies. So loving your body, also involves loving yourself as a whole. To me, this means being the kind of person who I can love; doing what I know is right. 

As far as I'm concerned, giving my body what it needs to be healthy and giving myself what I need to feel good about the person I am (mostly) come down to the same thing, veganism. Animal based foods are bad for our bodies, our minds, and our souls. They contribute to (if not outright cause) a multitude of illnesses, force us to ignore the basic facts about these products to justify continuing to eat them, and cause a sense of guilt and shame that we may not acknowledge but is there just the same. 

So, please check out the video and think about your own feelings about your body. You can decide for yourself what it truly means to "love your body" but try to remember how you express love in any other situation. Then ask yourself if the relationship you have with your body is really one of love or of abuse. 

The Beauty of the Broken

This is probably my favorite of all of my old poems (even though I never think of this one as a poem. In my mind it's always a song.). There are very few pieces of my old writing that I can look back on now and not cringe at least a little, this is one of them.

Your scars and your tears,

your addictions and your fears

make you beautiful.

Your love

is such delicious poison.

I see the beauty of the broken in your eyes

and I

can't seem to shake this feeling

although your anger sends me reeling every time. 

I know it's not right

to stay with you all night

and watch you disappear 

into a thick fog of pain

and the chemicals you claim

bring you some relief.

And deep down I know

it's better if I go

and let you find your way

to the light on your own.

I thought that maybe I could save you

but I just don't know how to

and it breaks my heart

to see all the pain you live with

and the harm you'll cause yourself to ease it.

There's nothing I can do.

My staying here's not helping.

I wake up every morning and I feel so lost.

Lately I just feel so useless.

I can't stand to feel this hopeless.

It's tearing me apart.

I don't know how to tell you,

part of me still doesn't want to

but what else is there to do

but to walk away?

Necessary Expense

I went back to Aikido last night. There were only two other people there, plus the sensei, my friend and a woman who is a brown belt. It worked out really well because I worked one-on-one with either the sensei or the brown belt pretty much the whole time, which is good since I still have basically no idea what I'm doing.  

Anyway, we learned this one move that requires you to lift the other person's arm up behind their back and them swing it down and forward "like a sword." When the sensei told me this, I informed him that I hadn't worked with swords yet. So he got out one of their training swords and showed me how to do the basic movement. This was really cool because 1-I've always wanted to learn how to use a sword (you know, because it's such a practical skill to have) and 2-I may have ordered a pair of training katanas on Amazon, for my Typhoid Mary photo shoot, and now I at least know the proper way to hold them. 

I couldn't help it, the shoot just wouldn't have been right without the swords. Plus, these were a good investment because they are wood instead of metal so I can use them when I get to that point in Aikido. I'll just have to paint the blades for the shoot. Plus, this set was cheaper than most of the single steel swords.

Hot Pepper Review (Video)

Here it is you guys! Here is my hot pepper review video! I hope you guys enjoy it, because I feel like it's pretty fun (plus I endured a fair amount of pain to make it). Also, I'm pretty excited about the fact that I finally got to try a ghost pepper, since that was something that I had on my bucket list. I still want to eat a reaper though.

Monday Seems Like a Good Day for Random Updates

I just wanted to let you guys know about some things that have been going on.

1- Tomorrow (barring any unforeseen complications) I will be posting Part One of my Pepper Review video. So far, we still only have two parts, but I'm hoping to get ahold of a Carolina Reaper so I can do a third part.

2- That weird orange shit is still on my ankle, and I think it actually looks a little more disgusting today. It seems to have mostly stopped burning, but it has moved on to itching, which is only slightly better. Also, I still have not a single clue what it is or where it came from.

3- On a more pleasant note, I think whatever the fuck was wrong with my rib has finally healed. I am now able to do my entire workout without intense pain. So I guess there's that.

4- You know how I said the other day that my sister was going to take some new pictures for me? Well, I had this idea that I wanted to do one or two pictures dressed as Typhoid Mary (The Marvel character, not the woman who gave people typhoid fever). I just assumed that my sister would think it was stupid, but it turns out she's totally into it and now we are going to do a whole Typhoid Mary  shoot. I'm pretty excited about it. On a related note, does anyone have a katana I can borrow?

Typhoid Mary ^

What Is That!?

My dad and I did some more work on the camper today. It turns out that it's not quite as bad off as we thought. It looks like all of the water in my "exercise room" actually came from the water heater which, when we took it out today, we found had obviously been frozen and busted. We initially thought that the roof had been leaking, which would have meant a lot more work and money, but it seems that is not the case. So yay! 

Unfortunately, I also seem to have been exposed to some sort of flesh eating substance. I was working, and I felt this stinging sensation inside my boot. I assumed it was some sort of bug biting or stinging me, but I was in the middle of something and it wasn't terribly painful, so I just ignored it. It just kept stinging though, so finally I stopped and took my boot off to check it out. I found absolutely nothing. I thought "Well that's weird" put my boot back on and kept working. It just kept fucking stinging though! So I took my boot and my sock off. When I looked at my ankle, I had this weird orange (and I mean orange!) mark, that was still burning even though there was obviously no bug. I have no idea what this shit is, but I now have two orange marks which are still burning even now! What is this? How did I possibly get some sort of corrosive substance inside my boot? And why is it so orange? 

It actually got less orange throughout the day. It was much brighter than this when it first happened.

Coming Soon to a Computer Screen Near You

I just thought I would give you guys a heads up on some things that I have planned for this blog in the near future.

1- Starting next week I will be posting a series of videos (which, by the way, are much better quality than my regular videos because my sister helped me with them) of me "reviewing" a selection of ridiculously hot peppers. The will include a ghost pepper, and at least two that are hotter than the ghost pepper. So yeah, hopefully you guys will get some amusement from my pain.

2- I think I can now say with confidence that my new body weight exercises are working! I'm pretty pleased with the results I've been getting, especially since I was half afraid I was going to end up losing the results I had gotten from my workout with the sandbags. Because of this, I wanted to get some new pictures taken, and my sister has agreed to take them for me. You guys probably don't care about this, but I'm kind of looking forward to them. I think I might get kind of ridiculous with them this time, do some crazy shit.

3- Okay, so I have this idea.......I can't decide if I'm actually going to go through with it or not. I feel like it could be fun, or it could just be really fucking embarrassing. I think I've mentioned a few times how I've always wanted to try acting, but never really had the opportunity? Well, at this point I think I can safely say that's never going to happen. I still think it would be fun though. So I had this idea that I might make some fake audition videos for parts that I would want to play. I don't know though...........maybe.....maybe......

Peach ghost pepper ^

Ⓥ The Price of Success

Most people probably don't pay much attention to this, because it just doesn't seem particularly relevant to them, but vegans tend to keep a pretty close eye on the companies they support. We like to buy from companies we can believe in. When you do start to pay attention, you notice that formerly animal-friendly companies are constantly making decision that go against everything that they supposedly stood for.

Recently, there was a slew of non-animal testing cosmetic companies that decided to begin testing on animals so that they could sell their products in China, where animal testing is still required by law. You would think that selling in every other country in the world would be good enough, but these companies decided that missing out on the profits from that one country was so unacceptable that they would rather sell out not only the animals but also all of their loyal customers who care about animals.

Then, of course, there are all the vegan food companies that get bought out by larger companies that also sell animal products. I suppose this isn't quite as bad, because those particular products are still vegan, but it just feels so much more ethical to buy from a company that is completely committed to protecting animals than to a vegan sub-section of an abusive conglomerate. Not to mention the fact that if these people were to hold onto their businesses and slowly expand them, they might eventually be able to put the corporations built on animal products out of business.

The problem is that, for the most part, the second a company starts to make money they inevitably decide that they need to make more. And most of them are willing to toss their morals out the window to do so. It's just so strange to me that it's so easy for people with very little money to put their beliefs and values first, but those who experience some level of success forget what was once so important to them.

Why is it easier for people to stick to their beliefs when they have fewer resources than it is when they have more? You would think that it would be easier to commit to a cause, knowing that you have more to offer and less to worry about. If you knew that you had plenty of money to get by, wouldn't you think that would make you more inclined to use the excess to do some good? This doesn't seem to be the case though.

I would understand if we were talking about different sets of people here, people with more money vs. people with less money. Maybe people who have successful companies have a certain level of selfishness that prevents them from committing to a cause? But that's not the case. These are the same people who started out trying to do the right thing and then later decided that the right thing wasn't so important anymore. My question is, how, and why, does this happen? Why is it that success make people forget everything they once cared about?

I ordered this online and was really excited when I got it, and saw the packaging. This ^ is on the front, and on the back it says "Teach peace. Be nice to mice!" I thought "Any company that prints that on their products has to be completely ethical, right?" Well, I looked them up, and it turns out they also make glue traps (for bugs, not mice, but still.).

Remnants of Childhood

Here is yet another of my old poems. 

I went back 

to the place where I grew up

and there I found 

hidden in the brush

the remnants of my childhood.

There they were

at the base of that old tree,

rusted and broken

and so caked with dirt that I could hardly see

these things that I once loved.

Old toy and old places

tend to crumble with time

try if you want

but you never will find

a way to return them

to the way they are in your mind.

In the memories of children

everything seems divine.

Don't misunderstand.

Please don't get me wrong.

I have plenty of bad

and painful memories from when I was young,

more than I care to name.

But it's just different

for children than it is for adults. 

They have this innocence

that won't let them understand what's going on,

it's their only defense.

Children just know

how to see the beauty in everything

and to overlook

the things that they don't want to see,

things too ugly to face,

like depression and anger

in the people they love

and all of the chaos

this world is made of.

They believe those sweet lies

people tell to the young,

and no matter how hard they fall

they always get back up.

I wish that I

could get some of that back,

and see more value

in happiness than in truth and facts.

I miss that innocence.

Maybe then I could

start a new life for myself

and overcome

all of this hopelessness that I have felt.

I think that would save me.

I Think I'm Starting to Get the Hang of This

I went to my second Aikido class last night, and I really think I'm going to like it. We worked on some of the stuff that we did last week and, while I didn't actually remember how to do any of it, I definitely picked it up faster this time than last time. So hopefully that means that I'm retaining at least some of it.

We also did several new things, and it seems like most of the basic movements are pretty much the same; you just use them in different ways. So I feel like, once I really get those few basic moves down, I'll be able to improve much more quickly. Also, the sensei told me that I'm doing very well, so that made me feel pretty good about the whole thing. 

One thing we did that was not similar to anything else was "rolling" which is....exactly what it sounds like. We learned how to dive at the floor (backward and forward) and roll over back to a standing or kneeling position. I had actually practiced this before (you know, because I'm a dumbass) and, though this was a little different than the way I had been doing it because it was at an angle instead of straight over my head, I still feel like I got it quicker than I would have otherwise. According to my friend who invited me to the class in the first place, I am exceptionally quiet when I do it......I don't know..... maybe that's something that comes from practicing this kind of shit while living with other people? You eventually learn to slam yourself into the floor without waking the person sleeping in the next room, or disturbing the person watching TV downstairs. Or maybe I'm just that stealthy. 

Flexibility (Video)

Since I've already posted most of the rest of my workout routine, I thought I would go ahead and film my flexibility stuff. I filmed it with my back to the mirror, because I thought you would be able to see the reflection and tell what I was doing, but that didn't work. Oh well. Also, I hadn't realized what a very different color my legs are from my upper body. Oh well again. 

 

Demolition

I think I told you guys that my dad and I have been working on the camper every weekend. This week, we started working on the pump, but it turned out that we didn't have all the stuff we needed, so we ended up working a little on the interior instead.

We tore out that weird table/bed thing that was in the "kitchen" and some of the stuff in the bedroom. Then, today, I finished taking out the rest of what was in the bedroom. I definitely have a hell of a lot more room than I did. Unfortunately it also turns out that there was a lot more damage in the bedroom than we realized. Along with the rotten floor, it turns out that a good portion of the walls and ceiling are rotten as well. Awesome.

Also, why is it that whenever I do demolition, I end up destroying myself as much as the thing I was trying to demolish?

Come Gather Round, Friends, and I'll Tell You a Tale

I want to tell you guys a little story about an interaction that I had a few nights ago.

It was around 10:00, and I was walking down the hill to the pig barn, water buckets in hand. I noticed headlights far in the distance and thought "If I hurry, I can get to the barn before they get here." because when a car passes, I have to crowd over into the weeds on the side of the road to avoid being hit. Unfortunately, it was pitch black out and the road next to the barn contains several of the worst pot-holes I have ever seen in my life. This meant that rushing could easily result in twisted ankles and/or spilled water buckets.

So I just kept walking at a careful pace and moved into the weeds when the vehicle got close. It turned out to be a large pickup truck being driven by a guy with a buzz-cut. Instead of just moving on by (you know, so I could climb back out of the waste-high weeds and get on with my life?) He stopped in the middle of the road, right beside me. I will now recount for you the conversation that followed.

Guy- Hey! You feedin' them hogs?
Me- (Well, I am carrying water buckets to the barn so.....) Yeah.
Guy- Them are some pretty big hogs.
Me- Yeah.....they're pretty big.
Guy- So you gonna butcher 'em or what?
Me- (GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!) No.......they're just.......they're rescues.
Guy- Rescues.......?!
Me- Yeah.
Guy- You from around here?

At this point, I assumed he was making a joke. Like, "You obviously can't be from here because no one around here would ever have rescue pigs" (hurhur).

Me- Yeah, I do.
Guy- I've lived here my whole life, and I never seen you before.

At this point, I realize that he was not, in fact, making a joke. He was actually asking me if I was from here.

Me- (Seriously!? No, I just travel around the country, feeding other people's pigs at 10:00 at night. What the fuck?) I live right up there.
Guy- Oh yeah?.......Hey, what is the name of the people who live up there?
Me- Metz.
Guy- Right. So what's your name?
Me- Whitney Metz.
Guy- Well, you look like you're kind of struggling with those buckets, hahah.
Me- (Grrrr. Snarl, poorly disguised as a smile) No, I got it.

I immediately realized this was a mistake, because I'm sure it sounded to him like I was encouraging him to continue talking. When what I was actually trying to do was assure him that I was not some weakling who was incapable of carrying a couple of buckets.

Guy- Hey, do you know........

He then proceeds to list names of my relatives as I confirm that I do, in fact, know them.

Guy- Hey, be careful down there. There's a big bees nest on the barn.
Me- (Yeah, I'm down there every fucking day, and the thing is about two feet long. I kind of noticed it. Also, they're yellow jackets, not bees.) Yeah, I know. It's been there for a while.
Guy- Yeah.....? (Look of utter confusion)

Apparently, allowing a bees nest to continue to exist on the side of my barn for an extended period of time was what it took for the guy to finally decide that I was too crazy to talk to anymore.

Anyway, this was one of the most awkward conversations I have ever had. And, for me, that's saying something.

The title is a reference to this ^ song.

   

Ant-Man

My mom, my sister, and I went to see Ant-Man today. I'm sure you will all be surprised to hear this, but I loved it! (perhaps I'm not the most objective when it comes to Marvel movies, because I think I say that about all of them but, seriously, this movies was really great.) We ended up being the only three people in the whole theater, which I though was really sad. I mean, I know it's already been out for a while, and we did go to the 3:30 showing, but still, why aren't you going to see this movie, people? Here are the reasons why you should go watch it-

1- Marvel has a rather incredible knack for taking things that should be ridiculous and making them super fucking cool. I mean seriously, anything called "Ant-Man" should be totally stupid right? Wrong!
2- As always, Paul Rudd was fantastic. Also, he obviously put a good bit of effort into getting into superhero-worthy shape.
3- Scott Lang is a really cool and interesting character.
4- Scott's daughter is fucking adorable. For example, at one point he gives her the creepiest looking toy rabbit I have ever seen. To which she replies "He's so ugly! I love him!"
5- We get another badass female character, Hope.
6-  I really liked the ants and the fact that they were, at least to some extent, given distinct personalities. I thought this was great, since a lot of people never think twice about killing ants. According to Evangeline Lilly "You could take all of us out of the movie, and it would still be really kick ass if you had the ants. They’re really the best part of the movie."
7- The big fight scene at the end was both intense and totally hilarious. Giant Thomas the tank engine flying through the air anyone?
8- Falcon has a (somewhat small, but still) part, which made me happy because I loved him in the Winter Soldier.
9- Scott has a circle professional criminal friends, who I found quite endearing. ( I don't know, I have a thing for likable criminals).
10- The post credit scene was weird and confusing (in a good way) and left you with an overwhelming need to see Civil War!

Pretty much my response to the post-credit scene^

Ⓥ Compromises

I try my best never to compromise when it comes to my beliefs. I make a point never to do things that I will have to feel guilty for later. I am especially strict when it comes to matters of animal rights; I am probably one of the pickiest vegans in the world. I do everything in my power to avoid harming any living being, even the ones that many other vegans don't take into consideration (like various "pests").

Unfortunately for me, I live in a place where compromise on these issues is often necessary just to get by in society. I think one of the necessities of the animal rights cause is to attempt to spread the message that animals deserve better than the way our society treats them, to as many people as possible. However, it is simply not feasible for me to be open about my feelings about the treatment of nonhuman animals here. I have to deal with people on a daily basis who are involved in animal exploitation, in one way or another. At work, I end up talking to hunters, farmers, breeders, and even people involved in rodeos. I can't exactly tell these people what I think about the things they do. I'm pretty sure I would get fired, and it really doesn't seem like a good idea to get on the bad side of everyone who lives in my area.

As much as I hate the activities encouraged by this culture, I do still live here and therefore am required to deal with the locals, whether I like it or not. I feel like, in the long run, it's probably better to be "the vegan girl who gets along okay with everyone" than to be "the angry animal rights activist who antagonizes her neighbors". I still don't like it though. It's not that I actually believe I could change their minds if I did tell them how I feel, but it still feels like a betrayal of my beliefs to stay silent.

As if dealing with this in normal social situations isn't enough, I have to face it even more because of Riley and Tuni. There aren't exactly separate stores for people who want to buy feed for rescued farm animals, and if there were they certainly wouldn't be in West Virginia. This means that every time I have to buy pig food, I have to interact with other people who are buying food for farmed animals, and not one of them is doing it for the same reason I am.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes no matter how hard you try not to, you do have to make compromises, even when it comes to the things that matter most to you. I can only hope that someday this will not be the case, but for now I can see no way around it. I tell myself that, as long as I stay true to my beliefs, it doesn't matter whether I express those beliefs to the rest of the world or not. I'm not certain that I really believe that though.

35 Things I Think I Have Figured Out

This is a post from my old blog, from way back in 2012. Surprisingly, I think it all still holds true (for me anyway). Also, I never did get 21 and 31 quite right.


I recently found this through StumbleUpon. http://inoveryourhead.net/100-tips-about-life/ and it inspired me to make my own list. Not that anyone has any reason to take my advice, but I think maybe I have figured out a few things that might be helpful to some people. Or maybe not, who knows, but here they are anyway. 

1.Never put yourself in a situation where you feel like an outcast. Surround yourself with people who understand you. If you have to be surrounded by people who don't understand you, make them understand.

2.If you are doing something that makes you feel guilty, stop doing it.

3.Make yourself eat healthy food, even if you don't like it. You will learn to like it (trust me) and pretty soon all that junk food you've been eating will start to taste like shit.

4.Don't be afraid to change your appearance as drastically and frequently as you want to. Nobody ever said you have to look the same way all the time, and sometimes a fresh look feels like a fresh start.

5.Find a type of exercise that you enjoy and do it every day, preferably in the morning. It makes the whole day go easier.

6.Try to understand people, even people you don't like. Everyone has a reason for being the way they are and understanding that makes it a lot easier not to hate them (sometimes it's still really hard though).

7.Music makes everything better. Play it loud to drown out the sound of your own thoughts when you need to. Or sing (even in your head) if you are in a place where you can't play music.

8.Spend time in nature.

9.Create something.....anything.

10.Give people the benefit of the doubt but never count on them too much.

11.Learn to be self-sufficient in as many ways as you possibly can.

12.Force yourself to be strong, physically and emotionally.

13.Always try to be better than you are, but don't judge yourself when it takes a long time to get where you want to be.

14.Find a cause that you truly care about and dedicate yourself to it wholeheartedly. It will give you a reason to keep going even when you feel like you have nothing else.

15. If you really want to do something that seems crazy, do it anyway.

16. Stop trying to impress other people. Only try to impress yourself. Don't do/buy/say things because others think you should and don't be ashamed to like what you really like.

17. Don't follow trends, but also don't stop doing something just because it becomes trendy.

18. Make your house/apartment/room/car your space. Stop worrying about making it look "good" and make it look "you" paint murals on your walls, buy mismatched furniture, cover your car in bumper stickers. Make it a place that feels good, not a place that feels presentable.

19. Stop caring about material possessions. No matter what our society tells you, they just don't matter.

20. Buy things used. They have more character and it's better for the environment.

21. Make yourself talk to people (that one is more for me than for you).

22. Designer labels are bullshit.

23. No matter what some people (like my dad) might say, using words like "shit" and "fuck" does not make you sound unintelligent. Sometimes it just makes you sound more passionate.

24. Being nice to people, even the ones who aren't nice to you, really does get you a long way. It also might get you an ulcer, but you decide what is more important.

25. Don't make yourself do things you don't want to do just because it's expected of you, but do make yourself do things you don't want to because it's needed of you.

26. Stop believing things just because people tell you to, no matter who those people are. Look at an issue from all sides and then decide for yourself.

27. Don't feel guilty for being who you are.

28. If you feel depressed, don't just take a pill, change your life.

29. Stop treating symptoms and start fixing the underlying problems, in all aspects of your life.

30. Be your own canvas.

31. Never condone something you don't believe in just to avoid looking like an asshole (that one is more for me than you too).

32. There is nothing quite like a good adrenaline rush.

33. Sometime the people who seem the most together are actually the most fucked-up.

34. Do things you're not sure you're capable of. Learning your true strength is extremely good for your self-esteem.

35.Finally- Pretty please stop eating animals! (Did you really think I was going to leave that one out?)

Then again, maybe I'm just full of shit.

Something New

I did, in fact, go to Aikido last night. It was definitely a change of pace from Muay Thai, but I really enjoyed it. I'm still not sure if I will be able to go regularly, since it is on weeknights and I just don't know if I can justify missing a massage to go, but I would like to. For one thing I liked it but, more importantly, I think it would be good for me. Plus, I know someone in the class, so I would have someone to talk to about it who would actually understand, as opposed to just trying to tell my family about it and having them look at me like I'm a lunatic.

The reason I think it would be good for me is because it was totally different from my Muay Thai class. This was much more technical, there were a lot of small very precise movements, as opposed to the more general movements I've been doing in Muay Thai. It was a bit frustrating for me, since I'm not used to having to pay quite so much attention to my movements, but I think it's definitely something that I should learn how to do.

It was also a lot less physically intense than Muay Thai (which did bug me a little, since I kind of like feeling exhausted at the end). Everything I've done so far has been about getting as much force as you can behind every move to get more power, whereas this was about using as little force as possible by turning your opponents' momentum and body weight against them. I admit, some of it was a bit close for my comfort though. Turning the other person's body weight against them usually means having to get right up against them, and I'm not really good with the whole having people in my personal space thing. Of course, that is also probably something I should be working on. Anyway, it was a good experience overall. 

It felt a little bit like this ^ at times.

Camper Update (Video)

This is basically a video of me talking about the fact that I finally finished that fucking ditch. I actually filmed it on Friday, so there has been a little more progress since then. My dad and I did actually finish the pump house over the weekend, and I am nearly halfway done with the second ditch. Anyway, this probably wasn't really worth filming, but I couldn't resist. 

That's a Little Better

My (online) human interaction went a little better today. I decided to give one more try to the whole commenting on posts thing, and this time I actually got a very nice comment back, and a couple of "likes". So that was cool. Also, someone posted what the called a "vegan friend bomb" and said to comment if you were open to friend requests from others in the group. I commented and now I have so many new vegan friends! Of course, in all likelihood, I will never actually talk to any of them but it's still nice to have them there. Plus, I got a really encouraging comment, from a real-life friend, on yesterday's post which made my situation seem a little less hopeless.

On a totally unrelated note, I'm probably going to post my video tomorrow because I feel like I might have something more interesting to talk about on Wednesday. You see, I have been invited to an Aikido class tomorrow night, and I feel like that is bound to yield interesting talking points.  

Broken

I swear, there is seriously something broken in me that makes it physically impossible for me to have healthy interactions with other people. Every time I say this to anyone they say "No, you just have to try harder." But the harder I try, the worse it gets. It's like I'm just fucking invisible (and inaudible) until someone wants something or sometimes, until someone feels like bitching at somebody.

I've been trying desperately to force myself to talk to people more, in the hope that eventually I will either get better at it or find someone who I feel comfortable talking to, even if only online. Over time, I have joined quite a few vegan groups on Facebook, but I almost never actually participate in any discussions. So a few days ago, I joined this new group and decided "I'm going to participate this time!" Amazingly, I actually have been. I've been answering people's questions, and even offering a little bit of semi-personal information a couple of times. Yet, I have managed to have not one single meaningful interaction with anyone. The only interaction I have had at all was when I somehow managed to incur the wrath of one of my fellow members after offering advice to a different member who had asked about vegan cat food. 

This is why I don't talk to people; it inevitably ends in either disappointment, when I am overlooked entirely, or an increase in my level of misanthropy, when I end up involved in some sort of conflict that I never wanted. Seriously, what is it about the way I communicate that causes people to react with either utter disinterest or unwarranted hostility? 

Guess what? Not that fucking simple!

Updates

I have three updates for you guys- One, boring one, semi-interesting one, and one super exciting one!

The boring one is that I am taking this rib fiasco as a sign from The Powers that I should stop with the fucking sandbags, and go back to doing body weight exercises. I have my new sit-up contraption, which is even more difficult than I had expected. So that should be okay. Now I've been searching frantically for various leg exercises that will work as well as squats with the fifty pound bag. I found a few that feel like they are working pretty well, but I'm still probably going to be spazzing out about it months.

Speaking of my rib, it turns out that, at least according to the chiropractor that I work for, it is not cracked. Well, actually he said "it isn't broken" which I already knew, (I'm fairly certain I would have realized if it was actually broken) but I assume he would have told me if it was cracked too. Unfortunately, that doesn't really do me much good since it's obviously still fucked up. It does seem to be getting slightly better though, so I guess that's good. That was the semi-interesting update, by the way.

Now for the super exciting update! They finally released the official Deadpool trailer (Loud squealing noise) and it is amazing!

No stupid rib is going to stop me!

Ⓥ Food Chain

This is something that I have been thinking about for years, and writing last week's post, about Cecil, sort of reminded me of it. In light of all of that happened with him, I hope no one takes this the wrong way. I have no scientific basis for this theory, it's simply a thought I had that has stuck with me over the years. I only mention it here because I often still find myself wondering about it.

Have you noticed that it seems that the majority of species that are threatened, or engangered, or that have increasingly low populations tend to be carnivores? Obviously they are not the only ones, but there seem to be very few carnivores who aren't, in some way, at risk. Now, obviously, a very large part of this is caused by humans. We see carnivores as threats, either to ourselves or to animals that we raise for food. Humans simply cannot stand the idea that they may not be the most dangerous species around, and therefore feel the need to kill any other species they perceive as competition.

However, I have often wondered if there is another reason why the carnivore populations seem to be declining so much. I think that perhaps nature is gradually moving away from the need for animals who depend upon the flesh of other animals for survival. When you think about it, it's really not a necessary thing for animals to kill one another at all. Nature has a way of keeping things in balance without this violence. Everyone thinks that (as it is often used to justify hunting) if no one kills the herbivorous animals they will become overpopulated and end up dying from starvation. This is true to some extent, but it would only take a few generations for them to adjust. Animals who are often prey for other animals, or humans, procreate in excess to compensate for the number of them that are killed. If they were no longer being killed, they would soon start producing fewer offspring.

Furthermore, the food chain becomes less and less stable closer to the top. At the bottom, where the herbivores are,there are lots of options. If something happens that one plant species is no longer available, there are about a thousand others to choose from (at least for most animals). Further up though, there are fewer options. If, for some reason, a carnivore is unable to attain the animal he normally depends upon for food, he is in a lot of trouble. The entire system would be much more sustainable if no animals had to depend on other animals for food. As much as our planet has been changing in recent years (albeit due almost entirely to humans, and our irresponsibilty) I'm afraid that it will soon become necessary for all beings to be more flexible with their diets.

I'm also starting to suspect that there may be some sort of transition happening in the mentality of some predator animals. I have seen quite a lot of stories in recent years about animals, usually (but not always) domesticated ones, befriending other animals who would normally be considered food for them. There have even been instances of carnivorous animals raising orphaned herbivores. I can tell you from experience that my cat (one of them, though not the other) has always shown almost no interest whatsoever in hunting. I have never known him to kill even so much as a bug, though he does enjoy watching them sometimes. And I have seen many other stories of other people's cats who seem to be equally nonviolent.

I just can't help but wonder if the dwindling number of carnivores in the wild, and the apparent trend of normally predatory animals losing interest in killing, might be nature's way of moving toward a more peaceful existence. Whether it is or not, the best thing that we can do is to stop interfering (by this I mean killing animals and destroying the environment) and allow nature to sort things out as it sees fit. The less damage we cause, the easier it will be for other species, and the planet as a whole, to make the best of all that we have already done to disrupt the system.

Broken Glass

This is another of my old poems. I decided to go with this one this week because a couple of days ago, I got comments on it from Hello Poetry, which I haven't even logged into for years. Anyway, I figured if people there liked it all of a sudden, maybe you guys would too. 

I view my world through broken glass

it distorts everything I see.

Things that should be nice and comforting

all look dangerous to me.

Everything around me, everyone I know

is so twisted and unrel.

I'm living in this nightmare wasteland

where fear is all I feel.

I know this place is beautiful.

I hear it all the time

but it just looks like a prison cell

to these broken eyes of mine.

All these strangers that surround me

I guess you'd call them family and friends

just make me fell like I'm a spy

who's trying to act like one of them.

Is there smewhere out ther I can go

that will really look like home?

Or am I doomed to see only ugliness

and to always feel alone?

Are there people out there in this world

who will truly be my friends

who will love me and respect me

and on whom I can depend?

If I keep searching long enough

will I ever find a way

to see the beauty in this life

so I will have a reason to stay?

Or will I wander aimlessly

until the day I die

looking for a place and a life

that I will never find?

I wish that I could see the world

for what it really is

but my corrupted vision

is a problem I don't know how to fix.

For now I'll keep pretending

to see things the way you do

and hope that Im the one who's wrong

and it's you who sees the truth.

The Vocalizing Vegan (Video)

As promised, here is my singing video. I decided to film myself singing whist folding laundry because when I tried filming myself singing into the camera, I looked fucking terrified. After all, this is the first time I have, intentionally, allowed another human to hear me sing since I was......I don't even know......ten?........twelve maybe? I sing around the animals all the time, the cats seem to enjoy it, the pigs don't really seem to give a shit, nut not around humans. Anyway, since I seem to be utterly incapable of judging my own abilities, please let me know whether or not I should continue to stick with my policy of singing exclusively for nonhumans.

Remember, this is that song that got stuck in my head for twelve years?

Convenient!

I discovered something pretty cool (at least in my opinion) recently. You know how I usually use henna on my hair? but that I get the best results by leaving it on overnight (which is kind of a pain in the ass)? Well, I have found the most convenient way to color my hair ever. It doesn't come out quite as bright as I would like, but it's totally worth it. I have been putting Manic Panic in my conditioner.....That's it, that's all. I started doing it because I hoped it would help keep it brighter between colorings. Then, at some point I realized that my roots should have grown out a long time ago, but that I didn't seem to have any showing. So yeah, not only does it save me the hassle of coloring my hair, but it also saves me from ever having to deal with my roots growing out, and looking stupid until I get around to coloring them.

If anyone wants to give it a try, I used the Vampire Red (but there are lots of colors I think would probably work well) and put a lot of it in my bottle of conditioner. I wash my hair first thing, when I get in the shower and let the conditioner soak in while I'm shaving and whatnot. Be forewarned, the stuff will also stain your hands but I have found that it washes back off by the time I get out of the shower (I take really long showers, so there is a chance that won't happen for everyone, but if you just wash your hands a couple of times you should be fine). Anyway, just thought I would share my little discovery with you guys.

Keep in mind that the colors olny come out like this ^ if you bleach your hair first. The conditioner method will only give you a slight tint, but mine comes out looking much closer to Vampire Red than to my natural color, Gray-ish Brown. 

Perhaps I Should Fear After All

You know how I have been putting carolina reapers in my food lately? And that they weren't as hot as I expceted? Well, I think I may have been mistaken. I ate them in my food everday for several weeks, and really liked the flavor. Then, a few days ago, I noticed that I had this big wound on the inside of my mouth. It was like I had bitten my lip three or four times right next to each other. I kept wondering how I had done it; I thought maybe I had been chewing on my lips in my sleep or something. Then I noticed that it burned like hell when I ate the teff with the reapers in it, and thought "Hmmmm....I wonder....." So I did a little experiment. I tried chewing the teff exclusively on the other side of my mouth (because, apparently, I chew much more on the right than on the left?) and by the next day, it was kind sore and raw on that side. Then I started thinking that, if they were doing that to the inside of my mouth, what the fuck were they doing to the rest of my body? Scalding me from the inside out? Liquefying my organs? Who knows. So yeah.....no more reapers for a while (alas!). It's been, I think, five days and my mouth is almost entirely back to normal. So that's good I guess.

If I had sontinued eating then, I think there is a chance that I would have ended up like one of the vampires from True Blood. 

Does This Sound Like an Old Ship to You?

Sooooo....... I think there is a cance I may have a cracked rib. I don't know, I mean I've never had one before, so I'm not sure what it feels like. But it hurts when I breathe, and it hurts a lot when I move in certain ways. At first, I thought "There's no way that's what it is!" because I though for sure that if I had done something to crack one of my ribs I would remember it. Then, today, when I tried to do sit-ups with my 100 pound sandbag I realized what may have happened. See, when I layed back with the thing on my chest I was suddenly in an intense ammount of pain. Since I'm a dumbass, I went ahead and tried to do the sit-ups anyway. I found that I just physically couldn't. Then I started to realize that there is a chance that I have been slowly crushing myself to death for the past month or so. In retrospect, perhaps putting a hundred punds of weight directly on my ribcaged and then sitting up and then letting it smash me into the floor fifty time in a row every day was not the best idea.

Anyway, my dad and I were supposed to finsh my pump-house today, but that didn't happen because I had an emergency project that had to be done riht away. Since I couldn't use my sand bag (and I was obviously not going to let intense pain stop me from doing my workout) I had to find some other method for working my abs that would be as effective without the possibilty of ending up with a punctured lung. So we had to build a something that would allow me to hang upside down, and do sit-ups that way. I still don't think there's any chance that we would have gotten the pumphouse finished (it ended up being much more complicated than we had anticipated) but we certainly would have gotten a lot more done than we did. Oh well, at least I can do sit-ups without possibly dying. So that's something.

Claire- What does a cracked rib sound like?

Matt- ......an old ship.

What Would You Do If I Sang Out of Tune?

This is something I've been thinking about doing pretty much ever since I started the video blog, but every time I start to do it, I pussy out. You know how I have said multiple times that I pretty much sing all the time, when I'm alone? But that I never sing in front of other people, because I really have no idea if I can sing or not? Furthermore, how one of the things on my bucket list is to sing in front of people? Well, I think I am going to sing in a video, and let you guys tell me, once and for all, whether I suck or not. I'm serious, I want honest opinions. I mean you don't have to berate me or anything, but a letter grade or a scale of 1 to 10 would be great! I will also settle for a thumb-up vs thumb-down, or pass/fail. Just so I'll finally know.

So lend me your ears (on Wednesday) and I'll sing you a song. And if I sing out of key, please tell me so I don't embarrass myself in the future! Also, I'm now half tempted to sing this ^ song, just because at least then it might be kind of funny if I suck. I probably won't though; I'm actually leaning toward Just Before It Gets Dark.