Sunday, August 16, 2015

Come Gather Round, Friends, and I'll Tell You a Tale

I want to tell you guys a little story about an interaction that I had a few nights ago.

It was around 10:00, and I was walking down the hill to the pig barn, water buckets in hand. I noticed headlights far in the distance and thought "If I hurry, I can get to the barn before they get here." because when a car passes, I have to crowd over into the weeds on the side of the road to avoid being hit. Unfortunately, it was pitch black out and the road next to the barn contains several of the worst pot-holes I have ever seen in my life. This meant that rushing could easily result in twisted ankles and/or spilled water buckets.

So I just kept walking at a careful pace and moved into the weeds when the vehicle got close. It turned out to be a large pickup truck being driven by a guy with a buzz-cut. Instead of just moving on by (you know, so I could climb back out of the waste-high weeds and get on with my life?) He stopped in the middle of the road, right beside me. I will now recount for you the conversation that followed.

Guy- Hey! You feedin' them hogs?
Me- (Well, I am carrying water buckets to the barn so.....) Yeah.
Guy- Them are some pretty big hogs.
Me- Yeah.....they're pretty big.
Guy- So you gonna butcher 'em or what?
Me- (GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!) No.......they're just.......they're rescues.
Guy- Rescues.......?!
Me- Yeah.
Guy- You from around here?

At this point, I assumed he was making a joke. Like, "You obviously can't be from here because no one around here would ever have rescue pigs" (hurhur).

Me- Yeah, I do.
Guy- I've lived here my whole life, and I never seen you before.

At this point, I realize that he was not, in fact, making a joke. He was actually asking me if I was from here.

Me- (Seriously!? No, I just travel around the country, feeding other people's pigs at 10:00 at night. What the fuck?) I live right up there.
Guy- Oh yeah?.......Hey, what is the name of the people who live up there?
Me- Metz.
Guy- Right. So what's your name?
Me- Whitney Metz.
Guy- Well, you look like you're kind of struggling with those buckets, hahah.
Me- (Grrrr. Snarl, poorly disguised as a smile) No, I got it.

I immediately realized this was a mistake, because I'm sure it sounded to him like I was encouraging him to continue talking. When what I was actually trying to do was assure him that I was not some weakling who was incapable of carrying a couple of buckets.

Guy- Hey, do you know........

He then proceeds to list names of my relatives as I confirm that I do, in fact, know them.

Guy- Hey, be careful down there. There's a big bees nest on the barn.
Me- (Yeah, I'm down there every fucking day, and the thing is about two feet long. I kind of noticed it. Also, they're yellow jackets, not bees.) Yeah, I know. It's been there for a while.
Guy- Yeah.....? (Look of utter confusion)

Apparently, allowing a bees nest to continue to exist on the side of my barn for an extended period of time was what it took for the guy to finally decide that I was too crazy to talk to anymore.

Anyway, this was one of the most awkward conversations I have ever had. And, for me, that's saying something.
The title is a reference to this ^ song.


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