Pretty Twisted

I don't even remember how this came about, but a few days ago my mom and I were talking about nightmares. I said that most of the dreams that I actually remember (which is a pretty small number) are what most people would probably consider nightmares. Usually I seem to dream about awful things happening. Yet, I don't mind them the way I imagine most people do. The truth is, my real life is so fucking boring that I would rather be chased by a serial killer or something than wake up and do fucking dishes, and laundry, and whatever other meaningless bullshit I have planned for that day. This is not a healthy attitude. Oh well, at least I still have a few Deadpool comics left to read, and they released the trailer for Supernatural season 11. As long as I can immerse myself in enough fiction, I can usually (usually) tune out real-life enough to get through the day.

Does It Still Count?

It's after midnight so I suppose I officially skipped a day's post. The reason is that our internet is still being exceptionally shitty. It's all slow, and sporadic, and generally infuriating. This wouldn't be so bad if I had anything else to do with my time, but I really just don't. I mean, I guess I kind of do, but I need the internet to get me in a good enough mood to do those other things without putting my fist through the wall or something. Also, I ordered the next Sandman book forever ago and it's still not here! No internet and no book, grrrrrrrarrrghhhhh!

Now There's an Idea!

I just suddenly remembered that I totally forgot to write a post for today. It's not like I have anything exciting to talk about anyway, but I thought I should get something down here. So here's this. I've been on a serious superhero kick lately. I recently realized that I am just a natural born multitasker and that I have a hard time doing just one thing at a time, especially things that are time consuming and/or difficult. My mind gets bored or frustrated and I just end up giving up on whatever it was that I was trying to do. Well since, lately, I have been trying to teach myself how to do all of these new things, sculpting, drawing, making utility-belts, etc, I've been watching movies to keep my mind occupied whilst I struggle endlessly with the things I'm trying to make. For whatever reason I have been mostly interested in watching superhero movies. I already had some and I bought quite a few more from various discount movie bins. So far it has been working pretty well. I don't even notice that it takes me for-fucking-ever to make really small, unimportant, things. An unfortunate side-effect is that I keep finding myself thinking "Hey, you know what would be a lot more fun than making misshapen mugs? Being a fucking superhero!"

Today I watched Daredevil. I found it fairly enjoyable. Plus, I'm thinking that if you can get superpowers just by going blind.........that one seems kind of feasible for me. Just saying. 

Halp!

As you may have noticed (if you live in the same area I do) it was actually halfway warm outside today. Some of the snow even started to melt! It was so nice to actually be able to go outside without immediately feeling my nose hairs freeze that I started thinking about all the things I want to do once the snow completely melts. Here's the problem though, I couldn't actually come up with anything. I seriously need to get a fucking life, like now! I can't spend every second of every day hanging around the house. I just can't! Furthermore, the only social contact I've really had, for the past I don't even know how long, has been my immediate family. Don't get me wrong I do love them and everything, but I swear to fuck, if I don't get some sort of interaction with someone who fucking gets me and doesn't constantly make me feel like shit about myself soon, I'm going to snap! So here's my question for you. Where should I go to interact with other people? Also, how do I interact with other people?

I'm fairly certain this is what I look like every time I try to talk to other humans. 

Oath

Alright you guys, I swear, when the weather gets better ( I mean like spring better, not like slightly less snow better) I AM going to find something interesting to do with my time. I don't care if I have to take up drag racing, or grave robbing, or whatever, I will have something to tell you that you might actually give a shit about. As it is, the high point of my day was watching X-Men and making a set of Runes out of clay. I will get less boring eventually, I swear.

Inspiration

For the love of fuck! I have got to find something interesting to do with my time! I keep putting off writing my posts because I keep thinking that an interesting topic will come to me. Then I realize that no interesting topics are coming to me because I don't ever do anything interesting. I mean seriously, what do people do for fun? It doesn't even have to be THAT fun, just kind of fun will do. Just as long as it gives me something to talk about besides TV shows.

It Is Possible that Our House Is Haunted (or that We Have Mice)

The last couple of days, there has been this weird-ass scratching, scurrying noise in the walls and ceiling of my bedroom. It doesn't seem to happen through the day, but at night it's really loud and almost constant. It's either a ghost or a shit-ton of mice. I know the mice are more likely, but I think I'll pretend it's a haunting to make my life a little more interesting. Somebody get me some salt rounds.

Snippets

I kept waiting around to see if I would come up with a good topic for a post today but, alas, I did not. So here are just a few random bits of things I have been thinking about. I may, one day, write full posts about them. However, I am far to uninspired to do it today.

1- I really need to make sure that I get the fuck out of this house everyday. Today the roads were supposedly bad, so I just stayed home. Now my biggest accomplishment for the day has been staying awake.

2- Do you ever get a new book and just feel like it is going to have something really profound to say to you? No real reason for it, just a feeling. I just started American Gods by Neil Gaiman and I definitely have that feeling about it. I hope I'm right; I could seriously use some profound insights right now.

3- My mom and I were talking today about raising your sense of self-worth by making a point to do things that you feel good about and not do things that you feel bad about. I think I have mentioned this before and I do believe that it is a good idea. However, I realized today that, while it will most likely raise your sense of self-worth, I'm not sure that it will improve your overall quality of life because you will end up doing a lot more things that you don't like doing. Like dishes, and laundry.

4- I have developed this intense aversion to noise lately. I think it was cause by overexposure. None of the animals in this house ever, EVER, shut the fuck up. Ever.

5- Is it just me, or do other people always run out of everything all at the same time? I actually managed to save my last check from Goodwill and I was all excited because I thought I would actually have money to buy halfway decent Christmas presents this year. Then I suddenly realized that I need to buy everything I ever use!

It seems like it's going to be a really good book. 

It's the Most Important Part of the Story, the Ending

For quite some time now, I have been thinking that I would like to write a book. Specifically, I've been thinking that I would like to write a memoir. I know what you're thinking "That's a stupid idea! You're always talking about how your life is super boring!" and, yes, you are right. However, despite how bored I am with my life right now, if I cut out all the boring parts and only cover the most interesting things from my entire life in a relatively short book, I think it could be rather compelling. I actually have had some rather unique and unusual experiences, that some people might actually care to hear about. Here's the problem; I have no idea how I would end such a book. I feel like anyone who might read it would want some sort of resolution at the end, and there is absolutely no aspect of my life which has been resolved. I feel like I have to do something, or be something, or at least figure out something before I can write a book about my life. At this point, I feel like if anyone actually read my life to the end they would get to the last page and yell "What the fuck was that!" and throw the book across the room. So come on, Powers That Be, give me some sort of epiphany so I can write my fucking book.

Check it out, you guys. We have the same hair. 

Futility

My life is a study in futility. I just want to make the world a better place; to be someone who matters. Yet the harder I try to stand out from the crowd, the more I fade into the background. My days, weeks, months, years are an endless cycle of trying, and failing, and trying again. I am Sisyphus. I am a fish swimming upstream in a current that is just a little too strong for her. I am the fucking itsy, bitsy spider. My whole world is a series of marathons of planning, and scheming, and dreaming that inevitably end in crushing disappointment. And after each defeat I am expected to smile politely as I rush back to the starting line to do the whole thing all over again, meanwhile assuring everyone that this time it will be different.

I Need My Four Hours

Anyone who has ever tried to make plans with me can tell you that it takes me a really, really long time to get ready. For someone who works part-time and has absolutely no social life, I have shockingly little free-time. Somehow, everything I do takes ten times longer than it does for anyone else. Most of my day ends up being filled by the mundane daily tasks that I set for myself leaving little time to do anything fun, or especially productive. I know I should do something to remedy this situation; the problem is, whenever I try to choose things to cut from my daily list of activities, they all seem somehow important. When it comes right down to it, if I have to make room in my schedule for something extra, the only thing I'm willing to sacrifice is sleep.

There'll Be Days Like This

I'm having one of those days that just make me feel bored, frustrated and useless. Not because of anything that actually happened, or didn't happen. Every once in a while I just get this inexplicable urge to do SOMETHING, anything, interact with the rest of the world in some way. Unfortunately, having the urge to do something does not provide me with any ideas about what that should be. So instead, I just sit around and wish like hell that I had a fucking life. That's alright, it'll pass. By tomorrow I'll probably hate everything again and just want to hide from everyone.

Sweet Dreams Are Made of..........

Alas, I'm afraid I have no prophetic dreams to report, nor any mildly insightful ones. It was just more of the same old, generally disturbing, and only vaguely remembered, shit that I always dream about. It's fairly pathetic really; things that I'm sure would pass for nightmares to anyone else are sort of fun for me because my real life is so fucking dull that I'm like "Sure go ahead and chase me with that giant knife, creepy murderer guy!"

Luckily I haven't gotten to this point yet. I love XKCD! 

Writing Is Hard

A while back I, kind of, started writing a novel. It was fairly silly, but I thought if might have been okay if I could have kept at it. Unfortunately, I got a few pages into it and then I kind of lost interest. I have seen quotes from writers who say that they write whole books, or even whole series of books, not knowing how they are going to end. I would just like to say that those writers are very lucky. Every time I start to write any kind of story, which by the way I have tried on several occasions, this is just the one that I made the most progress with before abandoning it, shortly after I start I realize how it must end. Then I pretty much know I'm done for. You see, for me at least, writing a book when you know how it's going to end is quite a bit like reading a book when you know how it's going to end, boring and tedious. I decide how it's going to start, I come up with characters and significant events that they will encounter, then an ending occurs to me. After that I just can't seem to figure out how to fill in all the empty space between all of that. Once I know how it's going to end, it all just seems sort of pointless.

Ch-Ch-Changes

I am seriously considering growing out my hair. I know this is a rather boring topic for a post, but it's a pretty big deal for me. This haircut is the closest I've ever come to actually liking my hair. However, I've had my hair this way for SEVERAL years now and I'm starting to get really bored of it. Here's the thing though, for me, changing my hair actually means dealing with an incredibly annoying and lengthy process of waiting for it to grow to a manageable length. When it does grow out I will have to try, once again, to find a way to tame the ridiculous mess that it will become. Also, if I grow it out I think I will have to find a new color too. Every time I have tried to grow out my hair, I have found that red+frizzy= clown. I'm thinking either dark brown or black.

Otherwise maybe I'll go for something like this. I've always sort of wanted to. 

Ten Things I Hate About You (And by You I Mean Me)

I have seen that Dove video making it's way around facebook the last couple of days, the one meant to demonstrate the difference between the way we see ourselves versus the way others see us. It's actually really cool and fairly thought-provoking. Unfortunately, I'm a crazy person so the thoughts it provoked from me were about all of the traits I can't stand about myself, both physical and otherwise. Here are the top ten.

1. My skin.
2. My nose.
3. My thighs.
4. My double chin.
5. My hair.
6. My utter lack of social skills.
7. My distaste for reality.
8. My feet.
9. My triceps.
10. My inability to tolerate boredom.

Not necessarily in that order.

"Well That Was Tedious."

There is one upside to this ridiculous apathy I've been experiencing lately. Things that would normally be completely fucking terrifying, like say doing a group presentation that I am woefully under-prepared for in front of a whole room full of people when one of my group members didn't even show up, now apparently just give me a nice little adrenalin rush.

Hero's Journey

In two different classes now, we have talked about the "hero's journey." We just started talking about it in my literature class, which makes sense, but a while back we also talked about it in my history of psychology class. Apparently there is this book by Joseph Campbell, which I'm thinking I should probably read, in which he compares the idea of the "hero's journey" (which is apparently a universal idea across pretty much every culture.) to everyday life. I don't know, maybe if I read it I'll have an easier time seeing everyday life as more than just a giant pile of pathetic, mundane shit. The problem is, I don't want to go on some metaphorical hero's journey, I want to go on a real one!

"Somehow I'm Leading Someone Else's Life"

"I cut a star down with my knife. And right now, I still see the way the moon plays this tune though our lights died." Someone Else's Life by Joshua Radin

I don't know, maybe everyone feels this way, but I constantly have this feeling that I'm supposed to be somewhere else, doing something else. (By the way, I'm really on my game today, so you guys are getting a song quote AND a reference to Supernatural. Don't you feel lucky?) Anyway, there's this one episode where the angels stick Sam and Dean in this alternate life where they are just regular guys working in an office building and they don't remember who they really are. There is one scene where Sam is talking about how he feels like he belongs somewhere else, how he feels like he is destined for something different. That's how I feel. I mean, as I've mentioned multiple times, I'm bored out of my fucking mind but it's more than that. It's like there's something more important I should be doing, I need to be doing. So, if there's some angel out there who stuck me in the wrong life as some kind of joke or something, you can put me back now okay? Please? I'm not cut out for this pathetic-ass, mundane shit.

I feel his pain. 

False Hope or No Hope?

I really can't decide anymore if it's better to have a false sense of hope or to know that things are just going to suck forever. I used to say that I would rather just know for sure that things are the way they are and that's how they are always going to be. I thought that if I could just accept my life the way it is I could learn to be okay with it. At this point though I feel like I need to have something to look forward to, even if it's just an illusion. I hate feeling like I'm always living in a fantasy world, but it seems that's the only way I'm able to live. I feel stupid sometimes for the different plans I've had in the past, the different imagined possibilities I've used to get myself through, but then I realize that at least I was able to make myself function because of them. Some of them were totally unrealistic; some were realistic but utterly stupid. But in the end it doesn't really matter because thinking about them kept my mind occupied and allowed me to keep doing what I needed to do. Honestly, I don't think there is anything more crippling to me than boredom. When I have nothing to plan for, nothing to hope for, I find myself completely immobilized.

I couldn't think of a good image to go with this post, so I did an image search for "immobilized" and found this. I find it very appropriate.