Thoughts on Love Part 4: Perspective

Once I realized what it was about the way the animals behaved towards me that bothered me so much, I started to realize that this same issue has been my biggest problem in all of my relationships throughout my life. I have never really felt that I had anyone who I could count on to WANT to be around me no matter what. I have a few who I know would be there for me if I really needed them, but I hate feeling like it would be because they had to be. So I end up regarding most of my relationships as transactions. "As long as I have something to offer, they will want to be around me." I'm sure that in some cases this is all in my head, but I know for a fact that in some cases it is not. Back when I was at WVU, I used to do everything I possibly could to make myself useful to my group of friends, because I knew that it was what I did for them that made them want to spend time with me. Shockingly, I lost touch with them after I left school. Go figure. It's not that they were bad people or anything. None of them ever set out to use me. I just didn't have whatever it would have taken for them to want to be around me just for myself. Most of the time, I think even the people who care for me the most still wish that I could be something other than what I am. This is a large part of the reason I am always trying to tone down my emotions when I'm around other people. If they knew how I really felt, it would be more than they would want to deal with.

That's right, there are still more of these. I think I may have gone a bit overboard.