Boring-Ass Update

I just wanted to let everyone know that so far I'm actually sticking to the whole (mostly) raw food thing. The only non-raw things I have been eating are coffee ( Fuck you, I'm not giving up my coffee!) and almond and cashew butters, which I'm putting on raw fruit to make it seem more like an actual meal. I know that's sort of cheating, but I just don't see how it can make that much difference, so whatever. Anyway, it seems to be working pretty well this time. I feel good and I'm not starving all the time like I was when I tried this before. Yeah, sorry I didn't have anything interesting to say today. Hopefully I'll have better material tomorrow.

Something. Anything!

It's amazing how much my physical state depends upon my emotional state. I can have a ridiculous overabundance of energy, or feel like I can barely move. It all depends on whether or not there is anything going on that I give a shit about. The situation in which this causes me the most trouble is trying to get up in the mornings. Most mornings, when my clock first goes off, I actually wake up fairly easily. The problem is, whatever I have to do that day never seems quite as appealing as going back to sleep "for just a few minutes". So I end up hitting my snooze button multiple times, getting up too late to do everything I needed to do and, usually, showing up late for class. Many times, I hit the snooze so many times that I eventually sleep through my clock altogether and wake an hour or more late (like today). On the rare occasion that I have something to look forward to, even if it's something completely stupid, I wake up ready to go. As I said though, rare. My point is, I need to find something, anything, to look forward to each day or I am going to end up failing all of my classes because I can't get up in time to get there. Okay, if I'm being completely honest here which, as I mentioned the other day, I am; even on the days when I do oversleep by an hour or more I still have more than enough time to make it to class. I would just have to skip doing one of the many things that are, sadly, more important to me than making it to class. These things include; my hour and a half long workout, checking my email, and writing this blog, among other things. I guess what I'm trying to say here is......

Where Do I Belong? Where Do I Fit?

At this point in my life I feel like one of the things I want most is just to have my own space. I have been living with other people my whole life and I am just not good at it. I am far too neurotic and weird and have far to strange a sleep schedule to live with anyone else. The germ thing is the biggest issue. No matter how careful I am about keeping certain things clean, as long as I'm sharing a space, things are going to get "contaminated." It's not just that though. It takes me for fucking ever to get ready in the mornings, so sharing a bathroom with another person is a giant pain in the ass. I get up absurdly early in the mornings and have to tip toe around trying not to wake other people up (and I usually fail). I have an infinitely easier time getting going in the mornings if I can play music, which I can't when someone else is sleeping. I fucking hate TV. If it were up to me I wouldn't even have cable or satellite or anything. On the other hand, I can watch Netflix all damn day. I sing all the time when I'm alone and, living with other people, I have to constantly remind myself not to do that. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have a place that really feels like mine.

Despite all of this, from time to time, I think that what I really want is not my own place but to share a place with someone who makes all of this bullshit seem worth it. Probably never going to happen.

Furthermore, I wan to live here. 

*The title is a quote form Being Human and is to be read with an Irish accent. 

My "People Skills" Are "Rusty"

Some of you may be wondering why it is that I frequently post such overly personal and/or awkward and/or embarrassing information here. Well, I'll tell you why; it's because my people skills suck. I am terrible at dealing with people, I am terrible at talking to people, and I am REALLY terrible at telling people things about myself. I can know someone for years, have a million conversations with them and still never actually tell them anything significant about myself. Even with the people I am closest to, who I assume know most of what there is to know about me, I usually can't actually bring myself to talk about very personal things. So for the longest time, people just didn't know anything about me. I don't think most of them really cared to anyway, but still. I just got tired of keeping everything to myself. I got tired of feeling like I was ashamed of so much of who I am. So I decided to just be completely open about everything. I'm not going to hide things anymore. It's too exhausting and, to be honest, I don't really care that much what people think anymore. The way I see it, if I'm completely honest it will weed out the people who I shouldn't be wasting my time on in the first place and whoever is left, those are the people who I should be focusing on. This all sounds great right? But unfortunately, deciding to become an open book doesn't fix the original problem, which is my inability to talk to people. So I bring all of my confessions here to be seen by anyone who might possibly give a shit, whether they are my family or closest friends or some random-ass person from the other side of the world. This is my way of feeling a connection. So thanks for reading, whoever you are.

Too Much Information?

I feel like I would probably be just as likely to have a successful relationship with a girl as I would with a guy. Of course, it's impossible for me to know this for sure because, as I have mentioned in the past, I am a pathetic loser who has had a grand total of one relationship in her entire life (that one was with a guy, by the way). However, I know for a fact that there is no physical characteristic that could ever be as important to me as the emotional/moral/psychological traits that the other person would need to have in order for me to be with them (and in order for them to want to be with me). To be honest, I might be better off with a girl anyway because, as I have also mentioned before, I am more of a stereotypical guy than any guy I have ever known. I just don't think I can handle playing the part of the guy, in a relationship with a guy. Unfortunately, this is probably irrelevant because the traits I am looking for probably don't actually exists in anyone of any sex.

Persona

The other day in my Theories of Personality class, the professor was telling us about our project that will be due at the end of the semester. Shockingly, I am actually kind of excited about it. It's about personas which, for anyone who doesn't know, are the images of ourselves that we use in different situations. The word actually derives from the Latin word for mask. So they are basically masks that we put on for other people. For the project, we have to write a paper about our different personas and how and when we use them. Then we have to come up with some way of depicting them in a presentation. This just sounds like such a cool idea to me. I have always found the whole idea of personas really interesting, partly because I myself make very good use of them. I feel like I am never the same person in any two situations. We also have to discuss our anima (the male expression of femininity) or animus (female expression of masculinity) and our shadow (the part of ourselves that we keep hidden). That last part makes me a little nervous, but I still think it could be pretty cool. Anyway, I was trying to think of a really unique way to present my different selves, and I think I came up with a pretty good one, tattoos. Tattoos are already a way for us to change the way we are seen by the rest of the world. They are a physical representation of our inner selves, so I think it would be really appropriate to use them for this project. I'm thinking I will have someone take pictures of all of my tattoos and then assign each one to represent one of my personas. Or I guess I could just strip in class so everyone could see them for real, but that might be frowned upon.

I Can Totally Get Into Those.... Totally.

Anyone who has read much of his blog has probably noticed that I am a teeny bit obsessed with fitness. It's mostly for reasons of health and strength, but I do also obsess about the appearance of my body. I have this weird thing about always wanting to wear a smaller size. It's really stupid. I will buy clothes (specifically jeans) that are smaller instead of ones that fit better. It makes absolutely no sense because it's much more flattering to wear a size that actually fits, but no! I have wear ones that are highly uncomfortable and squeeze my back fat making me look fatter, just so that I can feel like I'm thinner because I'm wearing a smaller size. I need to work on this.

Music and (Fictional) Life

Yesterday I talked about the way the music I listen to tends to reflect what's going on in my life. Well, lately my life has been boring as shit, so I have noticed that my music tends to correlate to whatever show I happen to be obsessed with at the time.

When I started watching Firefly I had been listening to the Giving Tree Band for a while. One of their songs has a section that goes "An outlaw's day is never done. One hand on his loot, one hand on his gun. One foot in the grave and one foot on the run. You know it's hard to keep things together." I remember thinking at the time that it would have made almost as good a theme song as "You Can't Take the Sky from Me."

Then I started listening to Dar Williams and shortly after that I started watching Doctor Who. Dar has one song with a line that goes "I thought I had no sense of place or past. Time was too slow but then too fast. The river takes us home at last." Another song contains the line "When Monday morning comes around, I'll get the work done but I'll listen for the sound." I must admit, I always keep my ears open for that sound.

When I was watching Being Human I found this fan video set to Mumford and Sons' "The Cave." I loved it so much that I bought the album and have been listening to it ever since. I have now noticed though that most of the songs actually relate much better to Supernatural than Being Human.

Here is the weirdest one I have found so far though. I was riding in the car with my sister recently and she has Skylar Grey's "Love the Way You Lie Part 3" on her Ipod. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I am half convinced that she actually wrote it about Sam and Dean.

 

"You'll always be my hero even though you've lost your mind." Perfect. 

Music and Life

I have noticed this weird phenomenon where whatever music I am listening to at a given time somehow manages to relate to my life. I tend to buy an album and listen to it over and over until I get completely tired of it, so there are whole eras in my life that are characterized by certain songs/albums artists/whatever. My time at WVU and at least the next year or two after that are pretty much defined by Bright Eyes. The substance abuse, fucked up relationships, and overall sense of despair really spoke to me at the time (the substance abuse wasn't so much me as everyone I knew). I remember being really upset when I turned 23 because there is this one line in "Landlocked Blues" that goes "The world's got me dizzy again. You'd think after 22 years I'd be used to the spin." and it wouldn't apply to me anymore after that. When I went to massage therapy school I was listening to Monsters of Folk (I was really into Conor Oberst for a long time). I was convinced that I was finally getting my shit together (wrong!) and the song "Ahead of the Curve" sort of became my anthem. When I went to Farm Sanctuary I was listening to The Giving Tree Band. The folky semi-country feel of their music, plus the fact that they are vegans was just so perfect! Maybe this is something that happens to everyone, but it's kind of an odd feeling.

Rise and Shine.....or Lay There and Fume

So this morning I overslept by an hour. Then I got up, walked downstairs and immediately stepped in cat vomit. So I said "Fuck everything!" washed my foot and went back to bed. My grades this semester are going to be awesome. I would like to think that, since I'm home today, I will at least get some things accomplished but that's probably not going to happen.

Never Fails to Disappoint

I have a serious tendency to get overly attached to my favorite artists; musicians, actors, writers, painters, whatever. I feel this connection to people who make things that resonate with me. I feel like I can't truly appreciate someone's art unless I can appreciate them as a person as well. Because animal rights is the most important issue to me, and is such a huge part of my life, I am constantly hoping to find that my favorite artists share my beliefs. I have this compulsive need to, whenever I find a new artist I like, search for evidence that they support animal rights. I will frequently spend huge amounts of time (sometimes hours) searching the internet for anything stating that some artist I like is vegetarian or vegan. This almost invariably results in extreme disappointment.

Here is one of my few successes, The Giving Tree Band. An all vegan band that makes really cool, weird , folky music that I love!

Bad Wolf

For quite some time now I have found myself torn between wanting to be a nice person and wanting to be one of those people who don't take any shit from anyone. I have always felt, for some reason, that it's very important to be nice to everyone. I have always felt compelled to be polite and non-confrontational even to people who are complete asshole to me. At the same time, I have always admired those people who stand up for themselves and their values and say what needs to be said, even if no one wants to hear it. I have sort of weighed the cost of each and have never been able to determine which is actually better. People will like you more if you are nice, but people will respect you more if you stand up for yourself. If you are nice to everyone, you will seem like a good person but you will also seem weak. If you don't take shit from people you will seem strong, but everyone will probably think you're an asshole. I have never been able to decide which one of those I would rather be. So far I have stuck with the whole nice thing because that's what I was used to. I feel like pretty soon it won't be up to me to decide anymore. I am quickly losing my tolerance for bullshit and I have a feeling that, in the near future, I am going to become one of those people who doesn't take shit form anyone whether I want to or not.

I kind of feel like this most of the time.

If Only I Had an Enemy Bigger Than My Apathy I Could've Won

I really wish I gave a shit about anything in my life anymore. I just seem to have lost all interest in anything that is going on right now. I had two tests yesterday and, as usual, I didn't study for either of them. I feel like I probably did okay on them, but the truth is I really don't care much either way. I've never been big on studying, but I used to care enough to at least worry about how I did on a test, even if I didn't care enough to study for it. Not anymore. I also have a paper due on Monday. It's supposed to be five to seven pages long and, until this morning, I hadn't so much as looked at the article it's supposed to be about. It just doesn't matter to me anymore. I mean I'm going to try to make sure I do well enough to at least get credit for my classes but aside from that, fuck it. I'm bored with all of this.

The title is a line from a Mumford and Son's song that has seemed very relevant to me lately.

Obsessive much?

I have talked before about how much I hate it when the electricity goes out. I can say that at least planned power outages are preferable to the unplanned ones. They still suck though. A couple of days ago the power company called to let us know that there was a planned power outage today, from 4am to 7am. I'm sure, for most people, this was the least inconvenient time possible. I mean who in their right mind is up that early? Well, I am (not that I am in mind right mind, but I am up that early.) In fact, that is just about the worst time for me to have no electricity, because that is exactly when I am getting ready for class. At 7 I would still have time to get ready but not to exercise, and I'm still kind of annoyed from the last time the power went out and I had to skip my workout. So what did I do? I got up at 1:30, had breakfast, did my workout and then went back to bed until 7. Because that seems like a rational thing to do, right? I am a crazy person.

Don't Tase Me Bro! Actually No, Go Ahead.

Yesterday my dad told me that he talked to a guy he works with who used to be a cop. The guy told him that when you go to the police academy, everyone has to get tased. This would probably cause a normal person to question their decision to apply for a job as a cop but, because I am a raving lunatic, I was kind of excited about it. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it will completely suck. I just want to see how I react to it compared to all the big, burly guys I'm sure I will be there with.

All of this, of course, still depends on me actually getting the job and being able to work out a way to get food at the academy.

Mayhap.........

I finally got my application for the police department turned in yesterday. We'll see what happens now. I still have no idea if I'll get it or, if I do get it, if I'll be able to make it work. I do have another idea if this job doesn't work out though.

About a week ago, I found an article called " 6 Badass Jobs That You're Probably Already Qualified to Do" The first job on the list? Bounty hunter, which they describe as "all the action and danger of being a cop, with none of the rules." To which I replied "Holy fuck! That's exactly what I want!" Apparently, there is a Bounty Hunter Training Academy  that offers a two day course that will teach you things like;

Door/window breach
Non-lethal force
Forcible entries
Tactical take downs
Surveillance
Pre-text art (Essentially, lying)
Weapons handling
Weapons disarmament
Close quarters combat

So basically it sounds like they teach people how to be Sam and Dean. Sign me up! Seriously though, if the whole cop thing doesn't work out, this sounds like a pretty good back up plan.

Like Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Only Really Fucking Boring

Whether I'm working or going to school or whatever, every so often I start to feel like I just can't do it anymore. The way I generally handle this is to wait until I feel like, if I have to go one more time, my head is going to explode, then I don't go one day. Weekends and holidays don't seem to work, it has to be a day I'm actually supposed to be there. It's not like I do anything fun or exciting, mostly I just stay home and do all the things I needed to get done but didn't have time for. Anyway, the next day I usually feel better about things and am able to keep going to work or school for at least another month or so, before things start to feel really suffocating again. So yeah, I didn't go to class yesterday. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to have worked so well this time. Awesome.

Gently

I use the same workout DVDs everyday and, after a while, I get a bit tired of hearing the instructors say the same things over and over again. I find that it helps to sort of argue with them in my head. On my belly dance DVD, there is this one part where the girl tells you to do "a nice gentle quadricep stretch." Every time I hear her say that, I think "Listen, I don't do gentle. If it doesn't hurt, I'm not interested." As troubling as that may seem on it's own, I have realized that I basically feel the same way about all aspects of my life. I need that intensity. If things are too simple I get bored. I don't like it when things are calm, or peaceful, or "gentle". I need it to hurt a little. This helps to explain some things that I've done in my life that otherwise make absolutely no sense.

I Wish

I wish I believed that someday I will have a life that will make all of this seem worth it.
I wish I believed that someday I will have a place that will make the wandering worth it.
I wish I believed that someday I will have a job that will make the searching worth it.
I wish I believed that someday I will have a love that will make the loneliness worth it.
I wish I believed that someday I will have a purpose that will make the emptiness worth it.

Unfortunately, I don't believe any of that. Chances are, things are going to be just like this for the rest of my life. As you can tell, I'm feeling real fucking upbeat today.

Living in a World Where No One Knows What's Important in Life, Priceless

I find that all of the things I value most are things that no one else seems to appreciate at all. The traits I work so hard to cultivate in myself are ones that seem worthless to other people. When I think about all of the things that are most sought after in our current society, it makes me feel 1-entirely alone, and 2- utterly hopeless as to the future of our world.

I value compassion for all beings in a world where most people barely show compassion to other humans.
I value strength, of body and mind, in a time when weakness is not only accepted but expected of us.
I value self-control in a society where excess and hedonism are rewarded
I value simplicity in in a country where success is measured in possessions.
I value hard work in an economy that's based around sitting at a desk.
I value courage in a culture that teaches us to be afraid of everything.

Fuck it. I'll just become a hermit.

Let's Try This Again

I'm seriously considering trying the whole raw food thing (again). There are so many people who talk about the insane health/strength/fitness benefits they get from it that I just can't justify not doing it anymore. The problem is, I've sort of tried it several times in the past and found that I get annoyed with it quickly. The truth is, veganism is easy for me because it's all about morality. The health benefits are secondary; I do it because it's the right thing to do. Going from veganism to raw food is basically like going from the SAD (Standard American Diet) to veganism, except that there really aren't any ethical reasons for it. I find that doing things purely because they are good for me is much harder than doing things because they are right. I really think I am going to give it another shot though. Partly because I saw this ridiculously cool video.

Remember this post? Well, here is a perfect example. This guy is fucking incredible!

Survival of the Bitchiest

The other day, my mom and I were talking about survival, specifically the difference between people who survive life-threatening situations and those who don't. We came to the consensus that the main difference is a willingness to suffer. I will tell you right now, if I am ever in a plane crash and get stuck in the wilderness or floating out in the ocean or something, I'm probably not making it back. I have absolutely no desire to die of exposure, starvation, or thirst and the possibility of being rescued is just not worth the suffering involved in trying to survive. That being said, if I ever get kidnapped by a psychopath or attacked by some evil creature ( Yes, I know there's no such thing. That's irrelevant.) I think I have a better chance than almost anyone. You see, I don't have a problem with suffering. What I don't like is suffering for no reason and, as far as I'm concerned, spite is as good a reason as any. If I get stuck in the wilderness, mother nature doesn't give two shits if I live or not, so why bother. But if there is someone actually trying to kill me, I am sure as fuck not going to make it easy for them.

The Gray Areas Are Mine

As surprising as this may be to some, I think I have a lot more moral flexibility than most people. I tend to be able to understand and accept things that other people consider to be completely awful. I see about ninety-nine percent of the world as a giant gray area. As far as I'm concerned one of the only, if not the only, moral rule that is truly set in stone is "Don't cause the death or suffering of the innocent." Everything else can be forgiven, if not justified. That's why animal rights and veganism are so important to me. In my opinion, they are the only true moral imperatives. You could break into my house, steal everything I own, and shoot me in the foot, but if I found out you were vegan I would still think you were a good person. In all honesty, you would have an easier time convincing me that you were morally justified in killing another human than in eating a hamburger. Because from what I've seen very few, if any, humans are truly innocent while animals, almost invariably, are. It's kind of funny that the one rule I'm really steadfast on is the one that almost no one agrees with.

By the way, the title is a line form the Bright Eyes song "Middleman."

I Lost My Shoe

Well, my streak of awesome luck continues. As you may have noticed, I usually post here very early in the mornings. Today, for the first time since I started this blog, I made a conscious decision not to post before class. This was because I had homework due today, which I had known about since the first day of class by the way, that I hadn't finished yet. I thought, "Oh well, I'll be done with class by eleven. I'll just post after that." So after class I head to my mom's house, like I always do, expecting to post my new blog and then watch some Netflix. I get there only to find that (surprise!) her internet is out. So that's why this post is so late.

Anyway, this is how I feel.

Squish

A while back, I mentioned my issue with germs, and I just want to clarify something about that. I am not afraid of dying. I often joke about worrying that I will catch Ebola, or the Plague, or some other obscure and deadly pathogen, but that's actually not what I worry about at all. My fear is not of being infected by something that will kill me, but by something that will make me wish I were dead, which is surprisingly easy to do. I almost never get sick and on the rare occasion that I do I always get a far less severe version of the illness than everyone else (I thank veganism for that). Nonetheless, I absolutely loathe being sick, and any kind of stomach thing will make me pray for someone to put a bullet in my brainpan.

By the way, last line+title=Serenity reference

I Am a Master of Disguise

It's funny how people can end up getting stuck in these personas that have nothing to do with who they really are. Once people see you a certain way it's incredibly difficult to get them to change their perceptions. I was homeschooled until fourth grade. When I first went to public school, I had no idea what to expect and I ended up being this extremely quiet, reserved, overly polite person. That's how everyone came to know me. I was the "nice girl" the "good girl" the "quite girl" but that was never who I really was, or who I wanted to be. That's the image of me that stuck though. Even after I cut all of my hair off and got (lots of) tattoos, people still somehow saw me as this innocent, naive person. To this day, I have trouble getting past that. I find that I'm so used to being treated that way that I end up doing things and saying things that in no way reflect what I really think or who I really am. I'm working on it though.

Time

Here's another random quote form a story that doesn't exist. I actually don't feel this way at all, but this just sort of occurred to me today and I thought it sounded kind of nice.  

"Time moves so fast. It brings things into our lives and then takes them back out again, before we ever get a chance to appreciate them. Deep down, we all know this is the way it has to be. Yet we keep telling ourselves "This time it will be different. This time it will last." But it never does."

I actually feel that time moves far too slowly, and seldom brings anything that I'm terribly worried about losing, but whatever.

Being Productive, Watching Fictional Characters Be Productive, Same Thing.

I feel like such a lazy piece of crap today. Since the electricity went out yesterday (It did come back on last nigh, thank god!)  I didn't accomplish anything. Yesterday morning, I kept resetting my alarm clock in the hopes that the next time it went off the power would be back on, but that never happened. I ended up sleeping for like ten hours, which is about twice as long as I usually sleep. Then I couldn't even exercise because my workout is on a DVD (well two DVDs). I hate skipping my workout! I know it's insane but, I automatically feel stronger and more attractive after I exercise. Which means if I skip it, I automatically feel fat and flabby and disgusting. So what did I do with my day, you ask? Why, I sat around at my mom's house and watched Supernatural for hours on end of course. So fucking productive. At least I managed to make it to my test on time. That's something right?