Uncle! Okay? Uncle!

Somehow I have managed to have even worse luck the last few days than I normally do. Two nights ago, Petunia pulled the fence away from the barn far enough that she could climb over it if she wanted to. I spent around half an hour trying to fix it, and finally got it to the point where it looked like it would hold. Then the next morning, when I was already running VERY late for class, as soon as I go near the barn she jumps up on the fence and rips it right back down. Then, as I'm trying to push her off of the once again broken fence, she flings her head and throws a huge chunk of mud in my eye, not near my eye, in my eye!

Then last night, as I'm on my way back form my mom's house, I get pulled over for the first time in years. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, because he didn't give me a ticket. What he did do was ask me if I had any bombs in the car. That's right, bombs! Who asks that? Has anyone ever been asked that when they got pulled over? He also asked me if I had any drugs, twice. What the fuck?

Worst yet, this morning the power went out, which for most people would mean having to get dressed in the dark, but for me means no lights and no water. No water means no washing my hands which, for me, means basically no functioning at all. As bad as this would be on a normal day, today was the worst possible day for it to happen because I had to be at class at 8:00 for a test. That's why this post is so late, by the way.

All I can say is I hope the universe is done with it's little game, because otherwise I am going to lose my damn mind. Also, the fucking power better come back on, or I am going to have to stay with my mom and my sister in their already exceptionally crowded apartment.

Germaphobe or Drug Addict? You Don't Know.

So I'm still considering the whole police officer thing, and before I can take the agility test (which, by the way, makes me feel like I'm competing in a fucking dog show) I had to get a doctor to declare me to be in good enough physical condition to take the test. Yesterday I finally went to get a physical. I don't even know how many years it's been since I was in a doctor's office. I avoid them at all costs. Every time I set foot in a doctor's office, hospital, health clinic, any similar place, I become convinced that I am going to contact some horrifying illness. When I show up for my appointment yesterday, I am already on edge. I walk into the building and try to act like I'm not on the verge of sprinting in the opposite direction. To my relief, there is only one person in the waiting room, which indicates to me that 1- less people = less germs, and 2- maybe this won't take very long. I sit in the waiting room for maybe five minutes before they take me in and I'm thinking "Yes! I am going to make it through this after all." Then, for some reason they decide to leave me in the exam room for over an hour! During which time I hear multiple people coming and going. Some of them are coughing, some groaning, and some talking about how they spent the whole weekend lying in bed. Meanwhile, I'm pacing back and forth at around ninety mile an hour and alternately wringing my hands and shoving them so far into my pockets that I'm afraid the seams are going to rip. Plus I'm pretty sure my eyes looked like they were going to pop out of my head. Twice, other patients walked by and looked at me, at which point I realized that they were most likely wondering what kind of pills I was there to score.

Hooray for Mediocrity!

So it looks like it's not going to be straight As for me this semester. One of my professors decided to make our class half online, which I don't even really understand. We're just having class half the time. What exactly is the point of that? Anyway, there is a reasons I didn't sign up for any online classes. Because I hate them! Here's the thing, I am lazy as fuck when it comes to school. I don't really study, I don't read the textbooks, in fact about ninety-nine percent of the time I don't even buy the textbooks. I go to class, I take good notes and then, if I'm lucky, I read over my notes once or twice right before the test. And it's been working out really well for me up to this point. Well, with this class, we're basically expected to learn everything on our own. The good news is that the tests are also online, and they are open-book, open-note. Here's the problem though, I don't have the book because the stupid thing costs $130 and there's no goddamn way I'm paying that much for it, and I don't have enough notes because we don't have class enough for him to cover the information. So yesterday I just took the test and bullshitted my way through it, googling as much of the stuff as I could before the time ran out. I ended up with a 76% which is not so bad, all things considered.

Something Worse Than the Ladybugs?

What is the deal with insects attacking me while I'm trying to exercise? Today, I'm right in the middle of my workout and I brush my arm against my pants and feel this sharp pain. I look down and there is a wasp just sitting on my leg. I was already running very late, so I just knocked him off of me and continued with my workout. I tried to keep an eye out for him, but I I didn't see where he went. Then, just as I'm finishing up, I feel multiple stings all over my back. The little fucker flew down the back of my shirt and I didn't even notice until he decided to decided to wage war against me. I can't even tell how many stings there are, but it feels like quite a few.

Qualifications: Volatile, Vegan, Fearless to the Point of Stupidity, Strong, High Pain Tolerance, Burning Desire to Do Things that May Result in Death, Hard Worker.

I haven't mentioned this before because I wasn't sure about it. I'm still not sure, but I have decided to mention it anyway because now I've realized that I need advice! I've been thinking about applying for a job as a police officer. I know it sounds ridiculous! The reason I'm considering it is because I am so fucking bored I think my head is going to explode! I NEED excitement in my life. I need a job that makes me feel alive. The problem is, I live in West Virginia and if I do get this job I will probably just end up arresting a bunch of drunk rednecks and still not doing anything exciting. Plus I don't particularly like authority figures, I hate uniforms, and it has recently come to my attention that I may or may not be able to eat at the Police Academy (since I'm vegan). So here's my question; what should I do with my life? I want a meaningful but exciting job, that doesn't require me to do things I don't believe in, and I can't for the life of me think of a single job that fits that description. HALP!

Cheery Thought of the Day

Sometimes I , literally, laugh out loud at how fucked up I am. I'll have some thought, then I'll go "Wow, that was really fucked up." Then I will actually laugh at what a complete mess my mind truly is. I mean what else is there to do, have myself committed?

Perhaps a Contributing Factor to My Perpetual Singleness?

I don't know for sure but, I assume that when other girls see a guy do something really tough or badass or whatever, they think "Wow. That's really hot!" I, on the other hand, think "Wow. That's really hot! I wonder if I can do that?" For example, have you ever seen a movie or TV show where the guy gets injured and just stitches the wound up himself without using anesthetic or anything? Well, as far as I'm concerned, that's just about the sexiest thing in the world (probably a bad sign in and of itself). Here's the truly disturbing part though, I REALLY want to know whether or not I could do that. I've never had stitches in my life (though I probably should have a couple of times), but I kind of hope I have to get them someday just so I can tell the doctor not to use anesthetic. I have an excellent excuse too. I don't believe in using any of that shit anyway because it's all tested on animals. So maybe I can convince them that I'm not just psychotic. Only you guys will know the truth.

Sometimes I write things and think "What the fuck is wrong with me? I can't post that. People will think I'm a goddamned lunatic." But it never actually stops me from posting it. Enjoy.

I Can Open My Own Fucking Jars, Thank You

One of my main goals in life is to get to the point where I don't need anyone else. I hate having to depend on other people for things. I don't like asking for help, and I don't like feeling like I owe someone something. So many women talk about wanting a man to take care of them. To be fair, some of them are joking but a lot of them aren't. I have never wanted that. I don't want anyone to take care of me, or protect me, or whatever. If I ever actually do end up in a relationship, all I want is for the other person to have my back.

Oh yeah, about that title. My mom and I used to joke that we needed a man around just to open jars. Well, Last night I opened a jar for my dad. I guess that means I officially don't need a man in my life. You know, except for that whole companionship/human connection thing, but whatever.

Other Dimensions

I will know that I have finally found the right path when the reality of my life becomes more important to me than the fiction I fill it with. I'm not just talking about spending hours watching Netflix either. I'm talking about spending every second of every day imagining what could be (or what could never possibly be, but would be really cool if it could). I haven't actually been living my life for years now (or maybe I never have, I can't really remember). I have been living the life I could have. Ever time I do anything, I imagine the possible outcomes and think of myself living in this potential world. Sometimes I even imagine myself doing the most mundane things, but in the context of a life I don't hate. I just hope that someday I will be able to live in this reality, instead of some alternate reality of my own creation.

Untold Stories

I keep thinking that I want to write a novel (I know. How original right? It's not like everyone on the planet has thought about that at multiple times throughout their lives.) I keep coming up with these stories and characters, but anytime I actually try to write them down I get stuck. I think of certain events that should take place, and then I can never figure out how to fill in the spaces between them. I end up with these chunks of storyline with nothing to tie them together. Then, at some point, I think of how it would end and after that I can't seem to focus on it anymore, because really once you know the end of the story the middle feels sort of irrelevant.

Anyway, here is a quote from a bit of dialogue I was thinking about the other day, for a story that will most likely never be written.

"When something gets broken and you glue it back together, it's never the same again. It's scarred and ugly, it can never be perfect or pure again, but it's stronger. Each time a piece gets broken off and you stick it back on, it gets harder to break it the next time. Every little seam brings it closer to being indestructible . At this point, I'm nothing but a gob of glue with some shards of glass stuck in it, but I'm not going to break anymore."

I Call Her the Subrusaurus

It seems like most people have a tendency to develop attachments to inanimate objects, especially cars. A lot of people love their cars and take ridiculously good care of them. I don't do that, with anything. I don't get that connection to things. I don't have that desire to have nice things and I don't own anything that I would be terribly upset if I lost it. My dad and I were talking about this the other day. I told him that I just don't understand people who are obsessive about their cars, and that I can't imagine ever feeling that way. He said that I would understand someday, when I can afford to buy a nice car. Here's the thing though, I will probably never buy a nice car, no matter how much money I have. I don't want to have to worry about it getting scratched or dented or dirty. I just want it to get me where I need to go, that's all. The care I have now is old, filthy and falling apart  but I don't care. She used to be a Subaru, but the A feel off so now she's a Subru and I'm pretty sure she was built sometime in the Cretaceous period. Whatever, who do I need to impress?

God Damn It Netflix! You're Ruining My Life.

For anyone who is interested, here is a list of all the shows that have absorbed an inordinate amount of my time over the last year or so. I highly recommend all of them, that is assuming you have nothing better to do with your life.

1. Firefly. I love it so much I have watched it, I think, six times all the way through. I sincerely hope that Fox realizes how badly they fucked up with this one, because the crew of Serenity have been off the air for ten years now, and still no power in the Verse can stop them.

2. The Walking Dead. I may get lynched for this but, of all the shows on this list, this is the one I am least attached to. I mean it's good, but all of the characters are...well....assholes. I just don't really care all that much if the walkers eat them. Sorry.

3. Doctor Who. Let's just say there's a reason the Doctor is coming up on his fiftieth anniversary. He is amazing! Somehow every episode manages to be utterly absurd and completely believable at the same time. I must say though, as much as I love Eleven, I still miss Ten terribly.

4. Torchwood. For those who don't know, this is a Doctor Who spin-off centered around Captain Jack Harkness, everyone's favorite equal opportunity nymphomaniac. Be prepared to see more guy on guy make out scenes than you have ever seen in your life.

5. Sherlock. "I know, let's make this incredibly brilliant show that people will get utterly addicted to, and then make the seasons two episodes long." What the hell Moffat?

6. being human. This was, quite possibly, my favorite show of all time....... until they killed off my favorite character in the most horrible way imaginable!  Fuck whoever wrote that scene! Fuck him repeatedly. Anyway after that, as much as I hate to admit it, it's still a pretty great show.

7. Supernatural. (Yo Dawg, I heard you like lists?) Don't take this to mean that this is the best show on the list, only that it's the freshest in my mind because I just finished it two day ago.
Reasons Supernatural is badass.
     1. Friggin Winchesters man!
     2. An interpretation of religion that, sadly, comes closer to making sense than any other I have heard.
     3. Castiel, the apparently autistic angel.
     4. Sexy soulless Sam < ^ (What can I say? I like alliteration.)
     5. The word gank.
     6. Rednecks speaking Latin.
     7. A kind of  "hunter" that I actually approve of.
     8. The Impala.
     9. The prophet, Chuck.
     10. "I need a penknife, some dental floss, a sewing needle and a fifth of whisky. Stat!"
     11. An animal experimenter being eaten by an alligator, and the general consensus that he deserved it.
     12. The fact that I am now tempted to carry salt with me at all times.
     13. Sam and Dean's Christmas presents to each other.
     14. Kevin, the vegan prophet.
     15. Corn syrup as the downfall of humanity.
     16. Cas talking about going all ALF.
Things that kind of pissed me off
     1. Dean's eating habits. Good fucking god, enough with the bacon cheeseburgers!
     2. The mispronunciation of Samhain. Seriously guys, isn't it somebody's job to look this shit up?
     3. The fact that Bobby was a hunter before he was a "hunter".

Hooray for Sleep Deprivation! No Really.

So for the past week I have been getting around five hours of sleep per night. I may crash eventually, but for now it's actually working out really well. I've been getting a lot more done, and not just because I'm awake more hours of the day. For some reason, the less sleep I get the more productive I am. It's like it makes me kind of stoned, so I forget that I hate doing mundane tasks. Somehow it also seems to be making me a little more creative. I have had a much easier time coming up with blog ideas the last few days and, as far as I can tell, the only thing that has changed is the amount of sleep I have been getting. Of course it is possible that I am just too out of it to realize that I am writing a bunch of nonsensical crap. I hope I can count on Rachel to let me know if my posts start becoming overly idiotic?

Just What the Fuck Is That Supposed to Mean?

Every so often, these weird things happen to me that I would probably think were signs from the universe or something, if it weren't for the fact that they don't make any damn sense. Yesterday while I was exercising, I was trying desperately to think of a word. This happens to me all the time. I have a pretty decent vocabulary, but for some reason I'm constantly losing track of words. I will just randomly try to think of a particular word, even a fairly common one, and just not be able to find it. So yesterday, I was trying to think of this word that basically means unavoidable. I knew it wasn't even an uncommon word. It was one people use all the time, I just couldn't think of it. I kept feeling like I almost had it, then it would slip away. Every time I lost it, the word "imminent" would pop into my head. I knew it wasn't the right one, but I couldn't seem to get rid of it. It was like my brain was insisting that "imminent" was the word I really wanted. This kept happening throughout my entire, hour and a half long, workout. It was so aggravating that I decided that, as soon as I was finished, I would go to Thesaurus.com, look up unavoidable and find the word I was thinking of. Meanwhile, my obnoxious brain keeps throwing "imminent" at me. So I finally finish my workout, go to my computer, get to Thesaurus.com, and what do I see right in the middle of the homepage? I giant ad for some word game, which reads "Imminent, eminent and immanent. Do you know the difference?" Perhaps I'm just crazy, but it felt REALLY trippy.

By the way, the word was inevitable. Inevitable.

Graaaaaiiiinns!

My skin is the bane of my existence. I honestly think that, were it not for my skin, I might actually be halfway accepting of my physical appearance. It's all greasy and broken out in some places and so dry that it cracks in others. My veins show through my skin, even on the rare occasion that I manage to get a tan. I have stretch marks even though I have never been either pregnant or overweight. It's disgusting and I can't seem to do anything about it. I must say, it's rather difficult to feel good about your body when it's wrapped in fucking zombie skin.

A Bit of an Overreaction

On the first day of every new semester, in almost every class, I suddenly think "Holy fuck! What have I done?" It seems that, no matter how much I may end up liking the class in the long run, I always freak out on the first day. When the professor starts going over the syllabus, and I realize all of the stuff I am going to have to do and all the rules for the class, I always feel like it's going to be awful. By the end of the day I am always half convinced that I am going to have to drop all of my classes and go back to work at Goodwill.

I Bet You Can't Put Your Leg Behind Your Head

Sometimes I feel like I'm nothing but a collection of useless knowledge and worthless skills. I know all sorts of things that no one would ever have any need to know, and I can do things that no one would ever need to be able to do. Yet I don't even have the basic skills necessary to function in society. I have this knack for remembering random information, like the name of every character in every book, movie or TV show I've ever seen (and some I haven't seen). I remember that kind of shit forever but I forget stuff that happenes to me in real life. I also have all of these "skills" that do me absolutely no good. I keep thinking that, someday, I'll find some way to make use of them, but unfortunately I don't think that is ever going to happen because who the fuck is ever going to pay me for kicking people in the face.

Functioning in Society Is a Pain in the Ass

So today I go back to class. I thought after this whole long, boring month off that I would be excited to go back, or at the very least a bit nervous. You know what I really feel though? annoyed. That's it. I ended up with mostly classes that I'm actually interested in, I got them scheduled in a way that actually makes sense this semester and it happens to be warm outside even though this is the middle of January. I should probably be feeling pretty good about going back, but no. I just feel vaguely annoyed.

Totally Uncalled-for

I have an unjustified disdain for certain objects. There are certain things that are designed to make our lives easier, and that in fact do make our lives easier, that I just do not like. I have no explanation for it, at least not one that makes any sense.

Things I dislike for no reason.
1. Straws
2. Umbrellas
3. Band Aids

I can't explain why, but I feel like a fool when I use any of those things and will generally avoid them at all costs. I will occasionally make an exception on the straws, but only for frappuccinos.

Sometimes Worse Is....... Better?

I'm sure this will sound insane, but sometimes I think I would be better off if my life had been harder. Nothing really bad has ever actually happened to me. Every bad thing that has ever happened in my life has been sort of a low-grade pain in the ass, instead of an actual disaster. Even the times when things could have gone terribly wrong, they ended up being not so bad. I mean fuck, I once ran a car off a bridge and didn't even get hurt. The car was totaled and I felt like shit about it, but I was fine. I'm sure anyone reading this is wondering what the hell I'm complaining about. That sounds like a blessing, right? Well, here's the thing, I have this theory that the whole reason so many people in our society are so unhappy is that we really have nothing to struggle for anymore. Most of us don't have any legitimate hardship in our lives. This may not be the case for other people (and for all I know it might not even actually be the case for me) but I feel like I would be less unhappy if I had something to fight for, or against, or whatever. I think maybe the reason so many of us are so unfulfilled in our lives is that the only struggles we face are against stupid, mundane, meaningless annoyances. I often feel like there's no point in fighting against the little problems of everyday life, because really, what's the point? I suspect that facing true adversity might make me feel more motivated. I often wonder if, back in the days when people had to struggle just to survive, anyone ever felt the emptiness that so many of us feel today. If you spend every day wondering if you are going to die, do you really have time to wonder if you chose the right career path? If you have to worry about whether or not your family will have enough food to get through the winter, would it ever occur to you to wonder if you should have dated more before you got married?

Hermits United

I often find myself torn between a desire to connect with other people and the idea that I would be better off living in a shack in the woods or something. Every once in a while I actually do enjoy being around other people (It was great catching up with you the other day, Rachel!) but, for the most part, I just don't like social situations. I always have these ideas about how things will go and they almost always fall far short of my expectations. I keep thinking that if I could learn to be more outgoing or get to know more people that my life would be better but I have found that, most of the time, I am more comfortable and  happier(?) being alone. I keep trying to force myself to go do things and be around people in the hopes that someday I'll get used to it and learn to enjoy the company of others, but I'm starting to think I am just putting myself through extreme awkwardness and discomfort for no reason. I'm not sure I am ever going to like being social, and maybe I really would be better off just spending as little time around other humans as possible.

Being This Lazy Takes Work

I'm not sure how this is possible, but somehow I manage to be both overly motivated and extremely lazy at the same time. I exercise every day. It drives me crazy if I skip a day. Yet I will let my car nearly run out of gas because I hate stopping to fill it up. If there is some piece of information I'm looking for, I will spend hours online searching for it, but I can't make myself study for tests. It takes me twice as long as it should to buy groceries because I read the labels on everything, but half the time I end up eating canned beans, smashed with a fork, on chips because I can't manage to make myself cook.

My Good Fingerless Gloves Are Only for Special Occasions

At any given time, I will probably posses four or five articles of clothing that I actually like. I prefer to buy my clothes used, which makes it difficult to find things that I like and that fit correctly. I'm always broke which means that, even when shopping at Goodwill, I have to be careful how much I buy. Also, everything I own is always getting ruined; my stuff is always getting torn up or smeared with pig mud or something. So I have developed this weird habit of rationing my favorite clothes. Everyday, when I'm deciding what to wear, I consider what the chances are that I will see anyone who I give a shit what they think of me. Sometimes my favorite clothes don't get worn for a while.

Tastes Change...A Lot

I've heard so many meat eaters say that they could never be vegan because they "just like meat too much" and a lot of vegetarians say that they "just like cheese too much." I'm sure they really think that's true. Here's the thing though people; tastes change. I'm not saying it's not difficult because, at first, it is. After a while though it's not difficult anymore. After a while you don't even miss those foods you used to eat. In fact, after a while they start to look, and smell, disgusting to you. I'm not just talking about animal products either, I'm talking about all unhealthy foods. When I was a kid I ate so much unhealthy food that when I think about it now I can't even believe it. I loved it. I would eat anything that was sugary or greasy or cheesy, and lots of it. When I first became vegan I searched for replacements for those things. Where I live though, they're hard to find and when I could find them they were more expensive than I could afford to buy on a regular basis. So I just said "fuck it" and gave them up altogether. Now I can't even think about eating most of that stuff without getting grossed out. It doesn't even look like food to me anymore. So to anyone who thinks they can't be vegan, or they can't eat healthy. Yes you can. You just have to have a little bit of willpower and a little bit of patience and I guarantee you, if you can just wait it out, you'll be so much better off in the long run.

I Dig Your Style

When it comes to physical attraction, I am drawn much less to the characteristics people are born with than the ones they choose for themselves. I don't care how good looking someone is, if I don't like their style I'm not going to be attracted to them. It's not even that there's a particular style that I'm attracted to, I'm just drawn to people who choose things based on what they like, and what works for them, instead of what's popular or fashionable at the time. I like to be able to look at people and automatically feel like I know who they are, at least a little bit.

I've Got a "Secret" for You

Yesterday my mom and I were talking about positive thinking, again. She really thinks that if you focus enough on what you want to happen and truly believe that it will happen, then it will. She keeps telling me that the reason nothing good ever happens to me is because I don't believe it will. Here's the problem with that; I live in a fucking fantasy world. I spend an inordinate amount of time imagining what my life could be. I think of something that I wish would happen and then picture what life would be like if it did happen. This is not something I do on purpose, it's sort of automatic. Sometimes I think about these things so intently, and picture them so clearly, that I honestly have trouble remembering whether they actually happened or not. So yeah, if positive thinking worked I'm pretty sure my life would be very different.

Not Doing Things Is What I Do Best

I have a very bad habit of putting off very important things. Today, I suddenly realized that I was not sure when I have to go back to class. I just checked and I still have another week, but I was honestly not certain that I didn't have to there tomorrow morning. I've been on break for almost a month and I just didn't bother to check. I'm pretty sure this type of thing is not normal. I take procrastination to a whole new level. I don't just put off doing things that I need to do, I actually put off knowing things that I need to know.

Fight or Flight.....or Just Sit There.

I don't seem to have the normal fear response that most people have. Not only do I not get scared, I don't even really get startled. Last night I was sitting at my mom's house, by myself, watching Netfilx (because that's what I do with my time). I'm sitting on her couch, which is right up against a huge window, watching Supernatural. Zeke, my sister's cat, is laying in the window right behind my head. All of a sudden there is this loud banging on the glass and Zeke shoots into the air and takes off running through the house. Instead of jumping, or possibly screaming, like most people would I automatically assumed that my sister had come home and that it was her out there. I yelled "you scared the shit out of your cat asshole" without even turning around. It turned out it was actually my mom's boss/landlord/neighbor, but it wasn't a serial killer or anything so I guess it was okay that I didn't care. I remember a few years ago I went to this haunted house thing with my boyfriend, at the time, his brother and a bunch of other people. After we left the haunted house, which I guess is supposedly pretty scary, we stopped at a gas station. My boyfriend went inside and I sat in the car. His brother sneaked up to my window and slammed into the glass. I just turned and looked at him. Needless to say, he was a bit disappointed by my reaction. This tactic will probably not be especially effective against a real threat, but it works pretty well on practical jokers.

Curses!

So I just had to buy a new computer, again! My old one just suddenly stopped working, completely. Every computer I have ever had has done the same thing. One day they just randomly die and I lose everything I had saved on them. I swear I am afflicted with some sort of curse that causes every electronic device I touch to turn to shit. Computers and cell phones seem to be especially susceptible. I once had a cell phone on which the nine button got stuck. That happened to be the button that speed dialed my aunt. So every time I opened my phone it said "calling Aunt Becky." I had another one that had a defective seven button, so if I ever needed to call anyone with a seven in their number I was just out of luck. When I interned at Farm Sanctuary the first time, I took pictures of all of the animals there on my phone. Shortly after I got back, my phone suddenly dies and I lose all of my pictures. I'm not sure who I pissed off but, whoever they are, they are very good. Considering the fact that every aspect of our current society depends upon technology, this is just about the most inconvenient curse ever.

Thanks! I Just Washed It.

I don't understand it, but apparently there is something about me that has absolutely no appeal for people my own age but that older people find very appealing. I never get hit on, and rarely get compliments form anyone within twenty years of my own age but older people, like MUCH older people, are constantly saying nice things to me. Yesterday two different older people complimented my hair. Back when I worked at Goodwill I used to get hit on by old guys all the time. I just don't get it. If you had asked me if there was anything about me that would be attractive to a guy in his sixties I would have said "hell no!" I dress weird and have very short, brightly colored hair, and tattoos. Since when is that attractive to senior citizens? Yet those are the only guys who seem to be interested in me.

Stinky Little Winged Bastards!

The house where I live is completely overrun with ladybugs. They are everywhere! They seem to be especially fond of the upstairs, which is sort of my section of the house. The little fuckers fly at me, and frequently land on me, while I'm trying to exercise in the mornings. Of course I won't kill them, so there's really nothing I can do about it. That's okay though because apparently their life-cycle is pretty short anyway. I know this because their crunchy little corpses keep collection all over my floor. You want to know the best thing about them though? Riley Pug likes to go around every morning and eat the dead ones. He walks around and slurps them off the floor and then makes this god awful gagging noise. I don't know if it's because of that weird smell they give off, or if they get stuck in his throat or what, but it's really unpleasant. (sings) The beeeeeest part of waking up......is your dog gagging loudly the whole time you're trying to eat breakfast.

Hey, People Have Been Believing Random Shit They Read in Books for Thousands of Years

How do we ever know if we are on the right paths in our lives? Every time I make a decision about what direction I'm going to go, something shifts and changes everything. Sometimes it's just my own perception that changes, but many times it's not. I've never thought the idea of fate made much sense, but I swear it seems like something out there is either trying to push me in a direction that I can't seem to find or it's just trying to screw me over, one or the other. There is this one concept that I've always loved. It's actually from The Dark Tower series by Stephen King. I know that sounds stupid, but it's a cool idea, so bear with me. It's called Ka and it's sort of a combination of fate and free will. Basically the idea is, if you're doing what you're supposed to be doing, things will just line up for you. I keep thinking that someday I'll find the right path and things will actually start to work out for me, for the first time in my life. So far it just looks like the universe hates me.

Someday We'll Look Back on This and Laugh

It's funny how events tend to lose their emotional charge over time. Actually no wait, it's not funny, it's dangerous, or at least it is for me. My ability to remember what happened, but inability to remember how I felt about it, has caused me to repeat past mistakes on multiple occasions. I look back on my past and think that it seems good, or at least better than what I'm doing now. I have done this with, almost, every job I've ever had and I do it A LOT when I think about when I lived in Morgantown. I think "I had friends" "I had things to do" "I went to parties" but I can never remember exactly how I felt. I know I was really unhappy. I remember that, but I can't feel it, so I can't remember why. It seems like I should have been having the time of my life, but I know I wasn't. How am I ever supposed to know if I'm making progress in my life or not if I always think the past was better than the present?

The Control Switch

Sorry about the super depressing posts from yesterday guys. I'll try to be a little less disturbing today, but only a little okay?

One of my major goals in life is to get to the point where I can be the person I really am, around other people. I don't think there is anyone in my life who would recognize me if they could see me when I'm alone. I'm not sure how to accomplish this. I don't know if I just need to change the way I think, or if I need to meet the right people, or what. It's like there's this control switch that automatically get turned on when other people are around. It's not something I do on purpose, I mean sometimes I do it on purpose but it happens whether I want it to or not. Everything just gets toned down. If I see something really funny when I'm alone, I might laugh about it for ten minuets but, if someone else is in the room, I could see the same thing and I'd probably just do that weird little scoff thing and that's it. When I'm by myself I sing all the time, sometimes very loudly and enthusiastically, but there have been multiple times when someone has asked me "hey how does that one song go?" and I am incapable of singing it. I will just say the lyrics, even though it's harder for the person to recognize the song that way. Sometimes I get this urge to just do some weird physical activity like climb a tree or hang upside down from the rafters in the pig barn. If I'm alone I go ahead and do it, but there's no way in hell I would do it if someone else was there. There's a good chance that if other people saw this side of me they would just think I'm a lunatic but, who knows, some of them might just think I'm a halfway interesting human being. I don't know I just feel like, if I could learn to leave that control switch off, I might actually have a chance at connecting with people. Unfortunately, I can't seem to do that.

Straight Edge-ish

Many vegan health nuts, like me, consider themselves to be straight edge. While I completely understand their reasons, I don't share their motivation. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. I haven't done any of those things for years, but it's not because I don't believe in them or even because they're unhealthy. The only reason I don't smoke is because cigarettes are too fucking expensive and, as far as I know, there is a grand total of one brand that doesn't conduct animal testing. The reason I don't drink or do drugs is because, for whatever reason, they seem to have the opposite effect on me that they do on other people. Alcohol does not make me feel relaxed or help me to be more outgoing. It turns me into a nervous wreck. As soon as I start to feel that lowering of inhibitions that most people enjoy so much, I freak out. I can't stand feeling out of control and I just end up trying even harder to act normally. The only drug I've ever used it pot, because after seeing the effect it had on me there was no way in hell I was trying anything harder. I tried it twice. The first time it was just miserable. I felt confused and paranoid and had this sense that time was not passing. The second time was fucking disturbing. I had this intense image of myself, literally, smashing my own face in with a book. It was so vivid that I honestly wasn't sure if it was real or not. I often think that my life would be a lot easier if I could escape my own mind with various substances like other people do but, unfortunately, I don't seem to have that option.

Insert Clever, Sarcastic Title Here

I think I am an exceptionally angry person. I do my best to keep it together and put on this veneer of politeness and normality but right under the surface I am this twisted mass of bitterness and frustration and the veneer is wearing real fucking thin these days. I think I really used to be a nice person, but I don't think I am anymore. I try to be, or at least act like I am, but I am finding it harder and harder to fake. When I interact with most people I smile and make small talk but after a moment I feel this anger seeping through. I can feel it just under my skin and I try to stop it from showing on my face, but I'm never sure how well it works.

Looking Forward

Since that whole Mayan prophecy thing didn't work out, I guess I actually have to plan for the next year (shit!). I'm usually not much for the new years resolution thing because, honestly, if something is important enough that I feel I need to make a resolution about it, I just go ahead and do it regardless of what time of year it is. Still, I have thought of some things that I would like to accomplish in the coming year. So here is my list of thirteen things I want to do in 2013.

1. Keep up with this blog, and hopefully write more for The Flaming Vegan as well.
2. Make it through another year of college. More As would be nice, but I'm not going to be devastated if I don't get them.
3. Do some serious activism, leafleting, protests, something.
4. Get an article published.
5. Find a job, or some way of making money, that I don't hate.
6. Improve my social skills.
7. Take a martial arts class.
8. Be less angry.
9. Learn to do pull ups (or at least one)
10. Be more creative.
11. Let the person I am on the outside be more like the person I am on the inside.
12. Go back to Farm Sanctuary.
13. Learn to say things that need to be said, even if it's uncomfortable.

Playing Chicken with Stationary Objects

I have worn glasses for years now. I used to wear contacts, but then I found out that all of the companies that make contacts test on animals and I REFUSE to support companies that do that. So I started wearing glasses. For a long time it didn't really bother me that much. I mean I never liked them, but it just wasn't a big deal to me. Lately I have come to hate the way I look in them. I feel like some people look good in glasses, I am not one of them. Other people have a sense of style that works really well with glasses, I am not one of those either. So I've decided that I'm just not going to wear them. If I crash into walls, so be it, I'm tired of these fucking things. So if you ever see me out anywhere and think I'm ignoring you, it's probably juts that you look like a giant amorphous smear to me. Also, don't worry, I'll still wear my glasses when I drive.