The Middle-ground

You know what I think really fucks us over the most in our lives? The middle-ground. We are, or at least I am, always searching for that safe, comfortable space between one extreme and the other. The problem is, sometimes we just are extreme. We think that trying to have the best of both worlds will make things better, but really it just makes us crazy and frustrated.Trying to negotiate between the different aspects of ourselves, our lives, our wants and needs is nearly impossible. The most aggravating thing though is trying to negotiate our true selves with society. I don't know about the rest of you, but I am constantly trying to tone down certain parts of my self, exaggerate other parts, and completely fabricate more parts than I would like to admit. I'm starting to think that maybe, instead of always trying to make things work together, I should just pick a side and commit to it wholeheartedly. Basically what I'm getting at here is that I'm thinking of moving into a cave. Fuck society!

I did an image search for "middle-ground" and found this^. It just seems appropriate somehow. 

A Softer World

You know what I totally forgot existed and then suddenly remembered last night? A Softer World. They are just so great, and I hadn't read them for so long. Now I'm obsessively trying to catch up on all the ones I missed. They say all of those things you think but won't say because they're to awful, or too offensive, or just too goddamn weird. They also somehow manage to say the MOST depressing things in such a way that they end up being fucking hilarious.

Also, check me out. All up and writing my post early-ish in the morning. (I've actually been up for a couple of hours, it just took me this long to get my shit together enough to write.) 

More Unrealistic Life-Goals?

I have spent the majority of the last two week snowed in. For a while, it was driving me absolutely insane being unable to go anywhere. However, I have finally gotten used to it (which is super convenient since the weather is supposed to be clearing up in the next couple of days.) and have actually been making pretty good use of my time (at least by my standards, anyway). I have been working on a lot of different little art projects, and have come up with a ton of ideas that I have yet to put into practice. I made a bunch of different little clay designs that I hope to turn into jewelry in some way or another. I'm also considering using the clay to make various other things; I'm thinking some weird, nerdy, funny-shaped mugs might be a lot of fun. I also wrote a short story the other day, which I may or may not end up posting here. It's very odd and kind of disturbing, so we'll see. If nothing else, I figure it was good practice. I seldom write anything other than these diary-type posts and it was kind of nice to write something with an actual story-line. Anyway, the point of all this is; I'm starting to think that maybe, MAYBE, there is a chance that I could actually turn all of this random shit into a source of income. I'm considering reviving my Etsy shop from a while back and trying to sell some weird art and whatnot.

I mean hey, it worked for Priya. That is, until that crazy rich guy decided to get her sent to The Dollhouse. So it's basically a win/win. 

Recommendation

Okay, so I've got nothing to write about today. I kept bullshitting around waiting to come up with something, but I still have nothing. So here is a random recommendation. Coconut oil. I'm telling you, this shit is amazing! I use it all over my entire body, on my face, and on my hair, and it's fantastic. It makes your skin soft and smooth, it helps with stretch marks, reduces wrinkles (which I suddenly had when I got back from Acton, by the way), it stops your hair from getting frizzy, plus it smells fucking wonderful. Just saying, give it a try.

This is the kind I use, and I love it! It's organic and not animal tested :) I suggest getting it from Vitacost because it's a lot cheaper there. 

Everything Is Broken

Sorry there was no post yesterday. Everything was (still kind of is) broken and I was just WAY too pissed off to write anything other than incoherent growling noises, which I wouldn't even be sure how to spell. First, I couldn't get my car out of the driveway, because of all the snow. Then, I tried to do laundry and the washing machine was frozen so that it filled with water but wouldn't drain, leaving my clothes soaking in their own dirty water. And finally, the one that really did it for me, my workout DVD broke. Like won't work at all, won't even register that it's in the disk drive, broke. I'm actually a little less pissed about it now that I know it's the DVD itself that is broken and not my computer, which is what I assumed it was originally. Of course I didn't realize this until late yesterday evening which means I didn't work out at all yesterday. I'm going to be aggravated about that for about a week or so. Now that I do know it's the DVD I just have to use one of my old workouts, which is nice in a way because I had been doing the same one everyday for at least a year and a half. Now I'm just paranoid that the one I'm doing now won't be as effective. You know, because I'm a crazy person.

"Sometime a thing gets broke can't be fixed." 

Well This Is Awesome

I seem to have become spontaneously crippled. Yesterday morning, when I fed Riley and Tuni, the barn door wouldn't shut properly. I fought with it forever. I tried to chip away any ice I could find that might be impeding the door. Nothing worked. So, finally, I just gave up and shut the door as much as I could and then kicked it until it shut well enough to latch. Apparently when I did that I also broke my fucking foot. Here's the goofy part though; it only kind of hurt a little at the time. It was mostly fine all day. Then last night it started hurting worse, and worse, and worse. By the time I went to bed I was half convinced that it was actually broken. I guess it wasn't because this morning it was better, not good, but better. Now it hurts just enough to be super inconvenient.

So am I just going to hobble around looking like a fool all day? 

The Sandman

I've started reading Neil Gaiman's The Sandman series. It took me a while to get into it because I had heard good things about it, but didn't realize it was actually a comic series when I bought it. It took me a while to get used to the format, but now I'm really enjoying it. Anyway, a couple of interesting things. 1- the story is sort of split up into all of these small sections involving a bunch of different characters that everyone has heard of before. On Tuesday night, I got to a part about Cain and Abel. This was the same night as the Supernatural episode that dealt with the story Cain and Abel. I'm not sure what the Powers that Be were trying to tell me with that one, but I'm fairly certain I don't want to know. 2- There is this one part that I think really sums up an idea that I have been trying to explain to people for years. He says "Ask yourselves, all of you...What power would HELL have if those here imprisoned were NOT able to DREAM of HEAVEN?" Of course, he was actually being literal when he said it, but my point was that it's the idea of what our lives could be, or could have been, that makes what they are seem so shitty. If we all knew this is just what life is, this is how it always is and how it always will be, we could probably deal with it. It's thinking that it could be better if you knew how to make it better, or that you missed your opportunity to make it better, that ruins everything. This has been......Your Depressing Thought for the Day!

It really is a great story though. 

What's In a Name?

I think I might keep my weird little blob creature around for a while. I kind of like her. But if she is going to be my new blog mascot, she is going to need a name. I was thinking, she kind of turned out looking like the Adipose, from Doctor Who. So I considered calling her Posi. Then I realized that, since I drew her, she is obviously plant-based fat. So I asked myself "What is a really fatty plant?" then I thought "Avocados!" So her name is Avo (pronounced ah-voe). Who knows, if I get better at this whole drawing thing, I might even invest in a notebook with no lines, oooohhhhhh.

I have clearly lost my mind. 

You May Be Right. I May Be Crazy.

In fact, I'm quite certain of it.

You know how yesterday I said that, when I know I don't have to do anything, I come up with all these crazy ideas? and how I have mentioned before that when I get too much sleep I get all spastic? Well, when you combine the two you get a fairly dangerous combination of insane creativity and unmanageable energy. Which is what happened yesterday, and again today. I did manage to actually do some productive things yesterday, but I also did some kind of nutty things. For example, cut my hair. It's not so much that I cut my hair, it did need cut, it's how I did it. I recently bought one of those straight razors they sometimes use in salons, and I've used it the last several times I cut my hair. It works really well actually, but it's not something that one should necessarily use when she is in a strange, manic, obsessive state. The results were a decent looking, if messy, haircut and multiple cuts on my hands from all the aimless slashing. I also decided that I want to draw some of my own images for this blog (I give this idea about a week, due to the fact that I will eventually remember that I absolutely cannot draw). So yesterday I did several really poor drawings, and this morning I drew this weird little pole dancing blob creature.

She won't let her complete lack of a form stand in the way of her dream of being a stripper (apparently). 

Stranded Again

Once again, we are having truly awful weather here. It's snowing A LOT, and really fucking cold. This means that I'm basically confined to the house for the entirety of the day, and who knows how many more days after this. Here's the funny part though, it's kind of okay with me. I have realized that, if I actually had my own space, I would probably be better off just hiding in the house all day. When I know that I don't have anywhere to go, I come up with all of these things that I want to do. Most of them are a complete and utter waste of time but, every once in a while, I actually manage to do something half-way worthwhile. I come up with all of these different art projects I want to try and all of these different writing ideas. I feel like, if I had unlimited time, I might actually be able to do something with some of this shit someday. As it is, I mostly just think of things I want to do and then never do them.The biggest issue is trying to get in as many of the things I think about doing as I can before my motivation starts to wane, which always happens much sooner than I expect it to. Also, it seems like the majority of my stress and anger comes from time constraints. I'm late for everything all the time and it never ceases to piss me off. It's pretty hard to be late for hanging around your own house though.

P.S. Don't forget to watch the new Supernatural tonight to combat the "boycott" :)

What Exactly Did I Do to You Anyway?

Sorry there was no post yesterday, I was busy trying not to spontaneously combust. Seriously, is it just me or do other people feel like the more you think you just can't deal with one more single thing, the more the Powers that Be dump piles of shit on you? I mean, I have gotten to the point where all I can really do is try to zone out and pretend like my life isn't really happening. So, naturally, more and more and more things keep happening that I can't ignore without terrible consequences. You know how I've bitched about all the mud and ice around the pig barn? Well, the whole fucking field is like that too and Riley Pig has a really hard time walking on it. That doesn't stop him from stomping around and knocking Tuni out of her food bowl though. Well, shockingly, a few days ago he was knocking her around and slipped on the ice and fucked his foot all up. My dad and I gave him some antibiotics and put some ointment on it and hoped that he would be careful with it and let it heal. He didn't. He just kept stomping around on it and making it worse. So Yesterday we had to put up a wall and lock him in the barn. Now not only is his foot fucking awful looking, but I get to try to go in and feed him while he is roaring and charging back and forth and trying to slam me against the wall, plus I really don't know what to do if it doesn't get better soon. It's not like I can just put him in the car and take his ass to the vet. Fuck everything.

It's a Good Look

You know what's really stupid? Some days, I wake up in the morning and my makeup looks better than it did when I put it on the previous day. How is that possible? I spend all this time and effort trying to get it to look just right, and it ends up looking sort of meh. Then I sleep in it, and wake up looking better than when I went to bed. It actually looks a lot like that "smokey eye" look that everyone is always talking about. I have actually tried smearing it when I first put it on to get it to look that way, and sometimes it kind of works, but it never comes out quite right. I have actually considered just planning for this and putting my makeup on before I go to bed at night but then, of course, there are the days like today when I wake up looking like The Joker.

400

This is my 400th post here and, you my have noticed that, I like to commemorate every hundredth post with some sort of list. Well, I couldn't think of anything I really wanted to make a list of. So I decided to go all Welcome to Night Vale and just make a "list of things." That's what I love about Night Vale, they manage to say the most absurd things yet somehow make them sort of profound, in some way. The "list of things" was just that, a list of random things, yet each thing somehow managed to evoke a very particular feeling/emotion/sensation. Anyway, I thought I would give it a shot myself, and see if I could manage to pull it off nearly as well as they did. So here goes. 

1- Your favorite song

2- Razor burn

3- Clothes straight out of the dryer

4- Unrecognizable, yet familiar, smells

5- Damp dishrags that have been laying in the sink for days

6- A really good book 

7- Pea-gravel 

8- Socks with holes in the toes

9- Deja Vu

10- A cat purring

11- A human purring

12- An empty box

13- Something moving inside a supposedly empty box

14- A scratched CD

15- A hair on your clothes that doesn't belong to you

16- Thunderstorms

17- Guilty pleasures

18- Lost time

19- Childhood fantasies

20- Dirty looks

21- Old friends you thought you'd never see again

22- Old acquaintances you hoped you'd never see again

23- Dryer lint 

24- Disappointment 

25- Paper cuts

26- Beauty products that smell like food 

27- The clicking of a pen

28- Stubbed toes

29- Static electricity

30- Unaccomplished goals

31- Snow clinging to tree branches 

32- Unidentified moisture

33- Fine dust on your finger tips

34- Nostalgia 

35- Missed opportunities  

36- Good conversations 

37- Awkward conversations

38- Shower steam

39- Old food in tupperware containers

40- A hole in your favorite shirt

41- The instant before a dropped glass hits the floor 

42- Musty basements 

43- Hangnails 

44- A face that looks familiar, but you don't know why

45- A thought that makes you smile when you're alone

46- A cloud that moves across the sun

47- The look on a dog's face when he has done something wrong

48- The sound a guinea pig makes 

49- A really bad song you used to love when you were young

50- Clumpy mascara

51- Contemplating life with a good friend

52- Contemplating life by yourself

53- A slightly damp handshake

54- Something given to you by someone you don't know anymore

55- Gas pump handles 

56- Interviewing for a job you don't really want

57- Food stuck in your teeth that you're not sure how long it's been there

58- The decision to throw something away instead of bothering to recycle it

59- Pictures of your parents when they were young

60- A job well-done

61- A job not-so-well-done

62- Eraser dust

63- Frost on a window

64- Frost on your car windshield

65- That feeling that you're forgetting something

66- An instant of eye-contact with a stranger

67- Regret

68- Knowing that you are right, but that you will never convince anyone else

69- Kindred spirits

70- Hot coffee

71- Vaguely cool coffee

72- Tripping over your own feet in public

73- The feeling that your life is about to change

74- The feeling that your life will never change

75- Jeans that just don't fit quite right

76- Someone laughing at your jokes

77- Bare light bulbs

78-  Strange dreams, half remembered

79- Good dreams, mostly forgotten

80- Bruises that you don't remember getting 

81- The memory of a good experience you know you'll never have again

82- That piece of hair that will never stay in place

83- An old pair of shoes

84- Once loved toys that are now forgotten

85- Warm sunlight on your face

86- Falling asleep in the backseat, on the way back from a long trip 

87- Uncontrollable laughter 

88- A patch of stubble when you just shaved

89- A movie you haven't seen in years

90- Your old school pictures

91- That sudden sensation of falling that jolts you out of sleep 

92- Cracking knuckles

93- Clothing racks in department stores

94- Colors that are a little too bright 

95- Sand between your toes

96- Dirt under your fingernails 

97- Under-cooked rice

98- Over-cooked pasta

99- The idea of love

100- The reality of life  

I seriously considered trying to come up with 400 of these, but then I decided that would be insane and probably make you all hate me. So I stuck with 100, which is probably still too many. 

By the way, here is the transcript  to the episode of Night Vale with the "list of things."

Isn't It Ironic

I have found that, in order to ever get anything accomplished, I have to have a time limit. I need to have something that I have to do every day so that I will know that I need to get everything done by a certain time. If I have an unlimited amount of time to do things, I always think "Oh, I'll do it later." but later never comes and nothing gets accomplished. At the same time, I feel like if I always have something that I have to do, I never get enough time to do all of the things I want to do. When I have all the time in the world, I never seem to get motivated. But when I need to leave the house in five minutes, I'm like "I want to do this! and that! and all those other things!" So, basically I only want to do things when I don't have time to do them. How very fucking convenient.

Fucking Awesome

Last night, I stayed at my mom's house to watch the new Supernatural (which was fantastic as always, by the way) so I didn't get back to feed Riley and Tuni until after ten. Then, when I went to put the water buckets in the car, my entire car was covered in this layer of extremely fine frost. It was so thin that I couldn't even get it to scrape off. Well, I wasn't about to wait around for my car to warm up enough to melt it. So I just said "Fuck it!", and decided to drive it anyway. I mean the barn is like ten feet from the house. So I'm peeking through this tiny clear spot on the windshield, trying to make sure no cars are coming as I pull out. Unfortunately, I forgot how close I had parked to the fence and I drug the side of my car against the fence-post. Luckily, it was my shitty, rusted up car and not my mom's car. That doesn't really help the fence-post though.

At least I got to see the new Supernatural, right? 

Let Me Explain

Here is my list of all the reasons I can think of that I SHOULD take the bounty hunter training.

1- It is probably the closest I will ever come to doing the things I actually want to do, which are all only viable careers if you live in a fictional world.
2- There is a chance it might actually give me the things I am looking for in a job; meaning, enjoyment, excitement, enough money to live on, a decent amount of personal freedom, etc.
3- I think it might just be the best chance of me ever making use of my, very specialized qualifications.
4- Whenever anyone, specifically my parents, give me advice on what jobs I should try I frequently find myself saying "Do you think I look like someone who could get hired to be a ______?" Well, you know what? I think I kind of do look like someone who could get hired to be a bounty hunter.
5- It would make me feel like a total badass which, as I'm sure you all know, is one of my biggest goals in life.
6- I think there is a god chance it could help me to achieve some of my other goals, like maybe #31, #36, #79, and #83 for example. Or maybe I just think that because I watch too much TV, who knows.
7- The training costs $600, which sounds like kind of a lot of money (at least to me) until I think about how much debt I have from all of the other education I've gotten that ended up doing me absolutely no good. So basically, even if I never use it, it's not that much of a waste when you consider my history.
8- If I don't end up actually working as a bounty hunter, I still think the training may very well be the coolest fucking thing I've ever done. Seriously, just read the schedule and tell me that doesn't sound like THE MOST FUN!
9- According to this site, in WV, the average bounty hunter makes $45,000 a year. Shit, if I could make half that I'd still be doing better than I have with any of my other jobs (sadly).

10- I found this on Pinterest yesterday and I thought to myself "You know what? Okay! I will!"

Well...... Maybe I Am

Do you guys remember, a long time ago, I mentioned the idea of taking training to be a bounty hunter? I suddenly remembered that a couple of days ago and thought "Why didn't I do that?" Well, to be honest, the reason I didn't do it was because it sounds kind of stupid when you say it out loud (or type it). However, when you compare the prospect of becoming a bounty hunter to the prospect of continuing to work doing things that bore the fuck out of me and hating everything for the rest of my life, it doesn't sound quite as stupid anymore. At least I don't think it does. So yeah, I think I might really do it. I'm going to wait until spring because 1-The closest place to do it is in New York and I don't want to pay for it and then not be able to get there because of bad weather or whatever. 2- Maybe I will come up with a better idea, but I doubt it. I think if I was going to come up with a better idea, I would have by now. Anyway, I think maybe for tomorrow I will make list of all the reasons this isn't as ridiculous as it sounds.

False Alarm

Recently I guess there was some kind of chemical spill, or something, that caused a lot of people in WV to be without clean water. I don't know the whole story because I never watch the news due to the fact that it always just makes me hate our society more than I already do. Anyway, yesterday my sister called and said they were saying that the water for the entire state had been contaminated. It actually turned out to be a false alarm (I don't know how that happened, but whatever). Even if it had been for real, it wouldn't actually have affected me because my dad has well-water, not city water, so our would have been safe from contamination. I started thinking about it and realized how much better it is to not have to count on other people for survival. I realized that one of my goals in life is to depend on others as little as possible, particularly the government and society. I would love to know that I could make due even if the rest of the world fell apart because, to be honest, I feel like there is a decent chance that it will. I really want to find a way to exist without having to depend on society or it's rules. I have said for years that I eventually want to live off-the-grid and I had sort of let that idea go until this whole water issue. Now I'm thinking that is actually one of my major life goals. I think it should be near the top of my list too, cause you never know when the zombie apocalypse might come.

Just.....Weird

I have pretty much been bitching about everything for the last several posts, and I'm certain you are all getting sick of it, so I am going to TRY to lay off that for a little while. Instead, today I am going to share with you this weird experience I had. Someone pinned the picture below \/ on Pinterest the other day. I know it's the most random picture and I'm not ever sure why he pinned it but, when I saw it, it looked so familiar. Like gave me cold chills, and intense deja vu, familiar. I have no idea why. I left it open in a tab for four or five days and just kept looking at it every once in a while hoping that eventually I would figure out what it was about it that made me feel like I had seen it before. I never did figure it out, and it still makes me feel strange when I look at it. I mean it's a picture of a store that I have never shopped at, according to the pin it's from 1960, and based on the palm tree it's nowhere near where I live. So what the fuck do I recognize about this picture? Oh well.

Laziness?

I feel like everyone around me probably thinks that I am this lazy useless piece of shit. I think I mentioned before that I have been doing some work on these rental houses in Fairmont? Well, right now, I'm supposed to be removing a wallpaper border and then painting in some of the rooms. I have been going over and working on it for two or three hours a day, instead of just working a few full days and getting it done. I know that would be the logical thing to do, but here's the thing; I just can't make myself do that. I can think "Okay, I am going to go peel wallpaper off the wall for a couple hours." I can't think "I'm going to get up super early and then spend my entire day scratching at a wall." This is causing the job to take forever, and I know I should just hurry up and get it done, but I can't. I don't know how to explain myself to people, because I know how that sounds. It sounds like I'm just being lazy and irresponsible. I can work. I can work hard, I don't mind that. I actually like hard work, but I want it to mean something. I just have some much meaningless shit in my life that I can't handle anymore and, I'm sorry, I just can't find meaning in scraping wallpaper. I have gotten to the point where the thought of spending an entire day doing one more thing that I don't want to do makes me feel like I'm going to spontaneously combust (Is it still called that if you see it coming? I guess that wouldn't be very spontaneous.). I just feel like I already spend all of my time trying to pretend that I don't hate everything as much as I do. Fucking hell! Why does it have to be so hard to find any kind of work that doesn't feel like meaningless bullshit?

Love Letter to an Imagined Soulmate

Well here it is, the weird little thing I wrote the other day.


I know you, my love; not your name, or where you live, or what you do. I don't know what you look like, or who your parents are, or what kind of music you listen to. Something tells me that, despite all of that, I would still recognize you if we passed on the street. Because I know the truth of you, the essence that lies beneath all of those things that we think make us who we are. I know the feel of you. Though we have never touched, there are times when I swear I can feel your hands on my skin. I don't know what your face looks like, but I have felt the sense of belonging that I would experience when looking into your eyes. I have never met you, maybe I never will meet you, maybe you don't even exist, but I have felt your arms around me as I fall asleep and known that I was home.

I can't actually decide if it's a poem, or an excerpt from a story that I will probably never tell, or exactly what the title proclaims it to be. Oh well. 

Let's Review

I actually managed to accomplish quite a bit yesterday. Most of it was fairly pointless, but it still made me feel better. I still kind of hate myself for not working out, but then I knew that would be the case. Anyway, I did, in fact, do the things I said I was going to try to do. I finished American Gods, which was fucking excellent and you should totally read it! I also made something sort of pathetic out of clay; and then worked for a really long time on something that was almost not pathetic, but then it broke. Oh well, at least I did it. I even did some non-diary-like writing. Along with those things, I did dishes and folded up some laundry. Plus, my dad and I finished up Kingdom Hospital, which I don't think I mentioned we were watching? It was super fucking weird and I still can't quite decide whether I liked it or not. I even got to watch the new episode of S.H.I.E.L.D. so, as far as enjoyable wastes of time go, it was a pretty good day.

I decided to go with another Dinosaur Comics image today, because yesterday I forgot to tell you that the image came from Dinosaur Comics. So yeah. 

Also, mayhap I will share my writing from yesterday with you tomorrow. Or mayhap I will get embarrassed and not share it with you ever because it's pretty weird, even for me. 

Today Is a Good Day I Think for Doing Things that Are a Waste of Time

So.....it is currently -5 outside. This fucking sucks! Obviously, I will not be leaving the house for anything that is not absolutely necessary. Also, I don't think I will be working out today since my exercise room still has an air conditioner in one of the windows, and none of the other windows seal properly, and I don't particularly feel like getting frost bite whilst I do yoga. So I think today will be my day for doing all the things that I always want to do but don't do because I feel like there are better uses of my time. I already stayed in bed until 10:00 which, -5 or not, makes me feel like a lazy asshole. I think I will read the rest of American Gods, which I have been working on forever because I never read for more than a few minutes at a time. Perhaps I will also break out my clay and work on some more molds, which may or may not ever be used. Who knows, maybe I'll even get super motivated and write something worthwhile.

The Truth about Me

I feel like I am a totally different person now than I was, say, back in high school; even than I was back when I was going to WVU. I have changed a great deal, both through conscious effort and natural evolution. But there are times I feel like I am still that person I used to be, not just back at WVU or back in high school, but before that. Sometimes I feel like I haven't changed at all over the course of my life. When I think about it, I know that I have. I know that I have grown and learned and become better for it, but then I worry that all of that is in my head and that the people around me will still see me as this goofy, awkward, unattractive child, and that I will never be able to get past that.

Does anyone know the episode (Restless) of Buffy where Willow had the dream that everyone kept telling her that people would find out "the truth about her" or "about the real her." That's what I feel like sometimes; like the person I think of myself as is just this illusion I've created and that everyone knows that but me. 

Fire and Ice

I feel like I was built to walk through fire. Instead, I'm drowning in a frozen lake of mediocrity and mundane irritations. I pound my fists bloody on the ice, as everyone I know stands above me on the surface with looks of confusion and vague concern on their faces, asking me why I'm being so dramatic. I try to scream that I was not built for this. I was made to withstand heat, not cold. But when I open my mouth, my lungs fill with water and all that comes out is garbled nonsense. They all shake their heads in disappointment and say "You should be grateful, you know? Some people are burning."

First poem in quite a while. I hope you guys like it. 

Pulling It Off

You know those people who are totally over-the-top, and ridiculous, and possibly insane, but still somehow attractive? The ones who do the weirdest, most absurd, things but you still want to be around them anyway? The ones who never get embarrassed and obviously don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of them, and somehow that makes people love them? I have always wanted to be one of those people. I think I could do it too. I definitely have the weirdness part down. All I would have to do is stop stifling my natural behaviors. The problem is, I just don't think I have to confidence to pull it off. I have never been able to do anything crazy without getting embarrassed about it, and I don't think it works unless you can do it with no regrets. I think that's the difference between being one of those crazy charismatic people and just being really fucking weird.

Sam, from Garden State, is my hero. 

Inspiration

For the love of fuck! I have got to find something interesting to do with my time! I keep putting off writing my posts because I keep thinking that an interesting topic will come to me. Then I realize that no interesting topics are coming to me because I don't ever do anything interesting. I mean seriously, what do people do for fun? It doesn't even have to be THAT fun, just kind of fun will do. Just as long as it gives me something to talk about besides TV shows.

Thinking

I feel like I spend the majority of my time trying desperately not to think too much about my life, or life in general. I distract myself with music, TV, Pinterest, etc. I think that's also part of the reason I feel better about things if I sleep less; I don't have the mental energy to think everything to death. It's not even thinking about the state of my life right now that bothers me so much, it's the unlikeliness of it ever changing as much as I want it to. So every once in a while, I'm scrolling through Pinterest, ignoring reality to the best of my ability, and I see something that reminds me of all the things I want in my life that I am probably never going to have. When this happens, I always feel vaguely betrayed like "Damn you Pinterest! You're supposed to be helping me forget about shit like this!" So yeah, Pinterest and I are not on the best terms right now. That's not to say that I won't still scroll through it for hours on end, but I will do so with a slight air of disdain.

14 for 2014

The following is my lists of goals for the next year. Let's start with all the things I didn't manage to get around to this past year, shall we?

1- Do some real activism. Also, write more animal right related posts here.

2- Find a way to make enough money to get by without wishing I were dead.

3- I am going to rephrase the "social skills" one a bit and say that I want to start doing more social activities., and  find, at least, one that I actually enjoy.

4- I still really want to take a martial arts class.

5- I damn well better be able to do a fucking pull up by next year!

6- I AM going to go back to Farm Sanctuary this year, and hopefully back to the Festival of Colors as well.

7- Learn to act like one of those confident girls. Who know, stand up for myself, stand up for my beliefs, talk to people.

8- Learn to make metal jewelry, and hopefully actually sell some.

9- Write more poetry, and hopefully perform it somewhere.

10- Buy a car. A cool one would be nice but, at this point, I would settle for a piece of shit one.

11- Write something more substantial than a blog post. Get another article published? Write for the Flaming Vegan? Work on the "book" I started writing forever ago? Something.

12- I don't know, maybe go on a fucking date or something. Have some sort of romantic type interaction with another human being.

13- Get myself on a real schedule so that maybe I can accomplish half of the things I set out to do, in a given day. Especially get my sleep schedule down, so that I don't start out the day with several less hours than I had planned on.

14- Keep up with my goddamn email! Fucking hell I have so many emails!

In case you didn't notice, I decided to be a bit more vague with some of them this year so that, hopefully, I won't be quite as disappointed with myself next year.