Thoughts on Violence

I mentioned yesterday how much I feel like I have changed over the years. Well, it kind of makes me feel like terrible person to say this, but one of the things that I think has changed the most is the way I feel about violence. I used to completely abhor violence of any kind. I thought that is was pretty much always unnecessary, and just wrong. I don't see it that way anymore. I still abhor violence against the innocent, but I feel very differently about consensual violence. At this point, as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing wrong with two (or more) people doing whatever damage they want to each other, as long as everyone involved knew what they were getting into. In fact, I can see (though not really explain) the appeal. I desperately want to take a martial arts class; I think it would be of great benefit to me.

Even my thoughts about war have changed a bit. I used to say that it was always wrong, and that it was never the solution for anything. I don't really think that's the case anymore. There are some things that are worth fighting for, and there are some people who will never do the right thing unless someone makes them do it. Don't get me wrong, about 90% of all wars are still complete shit, and just an excuse for people to kill each other. Even then though, the way I see it, if you have a bunch of people who want to kill each other just for sake of killing each other, so be it. The real horror of war is how many innocents get dragged into it. If we could find a way to confine war to only those who actually want it, it might not be quite so bad.

If we ever got to the point of a war for animal liberation, I would be the first to enlist. Just saying

Changeling

I have been thinking lately about how much I have changed over the years. I mean, in a lot of ways, I'm not even remotely the same person I used to be. My attitudes, values, desires, interests have all changed pretty drastically over the years. I guess that's pretty much expected; we learn, we grow, we change, but in some ways I think I've changed much more than is to be expected.

You know the other day how excited I was that I was finally able to do a pull-up (I'm up to three now, by the way. WOO!)? Well that got me thinking about how much harder I'm willing to work for things now than I used to be. Not even necessarily important things either; things, like pull-ups, that I want to do just so I can say that I can do them. I have never liked feeling like there were things I couldn't do, but I used to just try to avoid situations where I would be required to try to do things I couldn't do.

For example, my whole way through school I hated gym class with a fiery passion. I could never do anything that they tried to make us do, and it always made me feel totally incompetent. Instead of trying to get better at those things though, I would just try to hang back and avoid doing them at all. I think perhaps the best example of how much this has changed for me is running. You know how in school they would do those fitness tests where you had to "run" a mile? Well, I have always sucked at running. So when we had to run the mile I would pretty much just walk the entire time and be one of the last people to finish, every year. It was hard, and I wasn't good at it, so I just didn't bother trying to do it. In contrast, when I had to do the physical test for that police job (how productive that whole mess turned out to be) I damn near killed myself just to keep up with some random guy who was running next to me. It wasn't like I was going to fail the test if I didn't keep up with him, I was still well ahead of several people. I just couldn't stand to let him get ahead of me.

I tend to do that with everything these days. I can't stand feeling like someone else can do something that I can't. I'm not sure what exactly brought on this change, but I have gone from just wanting to avoid looking pathetic to needing to be capable at all times.

Yeah, this actually had nothing to do with changelings. Sorry.

The Search

You know what just about the most irritating thing in the world is? Knowing exactly what you're looking for online and not being able to find it. You know how it's sort of a running joke how no one ever goes to the second page of their Google search results? Well, I do. In fact, I frequently get to the fifth or sixth page before getting so frustrated that I just give up. I don't know if I'm looking for things that are too weird, or too specific, or what, but no matter what I'm looking for I can never seem to find it.

This issue usually presents itself when I'm looking for images for this blog. I will have this perfect image in mind, usually a scene from a show, and know exactly what episode it was from, who was in it, what was said, and yet I can never seem to find just the one I wanted. I know that it has to exist somewhere, it just has to. So I will try phrasing my search 8000 different ways and still never find it. Then, sometimes, weeks later when I'm looking for something else, there it will be just sitting there in my search results like "Oh, were you looking for me?"

Trying to buy things is even worse because then, not only do I have to worry about wanting something that is too specific, but I also have to try to find a vegan version of it. I gave up a long time ago on expecting to find the things I want in the real world. I have gotten used to buying most of my stuff online because then I at least have a chance of finding what I'm looking for. Unfortunately, it's still difficult as fuck to find stuff that I like that doesn't conflict with my values.

You know what the very worst thing to try to find is though? Vegan tattoo artists. This is why I have an endless list of tattoos that I want to get. I can never find anyone to do them. I spent, literally, three hours this morning searching for someone who does vegan tattoos anywhere even remotely near where I live. You know what I found? Nothing. Not a goddamn thing.

I am, I really am. 

 

Wise Investments

How pathetic is it that as soon as I get a new job, I immediately start thinking about new tattoos that I want to get? I try to be practical, you know, think about all the things I actually need, bills I need to pay, things I should be saving for. But that never lasts. I just can't help but think of more and more things that I feel like I need to have on my body forever. Obviously the title of this post was meant to be ironic, but to some extent I really do feel like tattoos are a wise investment. I mean, what else can you buy that is beautiful, lasts forever, and that you can carry with you wherever you go? Unfortunately, it's getting to the point where I think I have more tattoos that I want than I do skin to put them on. Also, I really want to get a couple of brands. Ever since I heard out the 269 movement, I've been wanting to get a 269 brand. The other brand I want is the rune Uruz. I thought about just getting it as a tattoo, but since it's such a simple design, that seems kind of silly. I feel like a brand would be much more meaningful.

It stands for things like; strength, untamed potential, courage, energy, health, wisdom, formulation of the self. 

Truth or Dare

My 500th post is coming up soon, and I'd like to do something special. Unfortunately, I can barely even think of anything to write about for my normal posts. So, does anyone have any questions they would like me to answer? Any particular topic they would like my twisted perspective on? Anything you think I should do, and then write about? Probably not, but I just thought I'd ask.

"I double dare you." 

Fear

You know that saying "People fear what they can't understand"? Well, I've been thinking about that, and I don't think that's quite right. People may not particularly like what they can't understand, but I think what people actually fear is what they can't control. We naturally have this need to feel that we have power over our lives and, when we encounter things that we know we can't control, we tend to flip out.

Yesterday, my mom and I watched Iron Man 3. If you've seen it, you know that Tony starts having anxiety attacks after the Battle of New York. Obviously, that would have been a rather unnerving experience. But I think the real issues was that, for the first time in his life, he was in a situation that he felt he had absolutely no control over, and he didn't know how to deal with that.

I think it is a pretty important issue for nearly all of us. We all want to feel that our lives are in our own hands, that we get to decide what happens to us. Unfortunately, the world is an unpredictable place. Furthermore, we all have to deal with other people, who all have their own goals and plans and are all trying to keep their own lives under control.

Anyway, I believe the best way to deal with this, much like Tony did, is by focusing on the things we can control. Personally, I pretty much live in a constant state of feeling zero control over my life. I'm fairly used to it at this point. So what I do is to focus on the one thing I do have control over, which is myself. It seems to work quite well for me, at least as far as fear is concerned. I may have a shit-ton of issues, but fear is not one of them. I know that I have no say over what happens to me in my life, but I trust myself to be able to deal with whatever comes. 

 "You experience things and then they're over and you still can't explain them." 

Shared Interests

Why is it, do you think, that people in general don't seem to be able to fully enjoy things unless they have other people to enjoy them with? I know this is the case for me, and it seems to be so for most other people as well. We want to share our interests with those around us. We want our friends and family to understand why we love the things we love and, preferably, for them to love those things as well. But why? Why is it so important to us that other people share in our interests? I mean, I don't know about the rest of you, but most of the things I enjoy don't necessarily require any other people. It's not like I'm particularly interested in any kind of group activities. So why the fuck do I care if anyone else wants to watch my favorites movies or TV shows, or laughs at the strange things that I think are funny, or wants to wander around in the woods and climb on dead trees (yeah, that counts as one of my interests)?