Today Is a Good Day I Think for Doing Things that Are a Waste of Time

So.....it is currently -5 outside. This fucking sucks! Obviously, I will not be leaving the house for anything that is not absolutely necessary. Also, I don't think I will be working out today since my exercise room still has an air conditioner in one of the windows, and none of the other windows seal properly, and I don't particularly feel like getting frost bite whilst I do yoga. So I think today will be my day for doing all the things that I always want to do but don't do because I feel like there are better uses of my time. I already stayed in bed until 10:00 which, -5 or not, makes me feel like a lazy asshole. I think I will read the rest of American Gods, which I have been working on forever because I never read for more than a few minutes at a time. Perhaps I will also break out my clay and work on some more molds, which may or may not ever be used. Who knows, maybe I'll even get super motivated and write something worthwhile.

The Truth about Me

I feel like I am a totally different person now than I was, say, back in high school; even than I was back when I was going to WVU. I have changed a great deal, both through conscious effort and natural evolution. But there are times I feel like I am still that person I used to be, not just back at WVU or back in high school, but before that. Sometimes I feel like I haven't changed at all over the course of my life. When I think about it, I know that I have. I know that I have grown and learned and become better for it, but then I worry that all of that is in my head and that the people around me will still see me as this goofy, awkward, unattractive child, and that I will never be able to get past that.

Does anyone know the episode (Restless) of Buffy where Willow had the dream that everyone kept telling her that people would find out "the truth about her" or "about the real her." That's what I feel like sometimes; like the person I think of myself as is just this illusion I've created and that everyone knows that but me. 

Fire and Ice

I feel like I was built to walk through fire. Instead, I'm drowning in a frozen lake of mediocrity and mundane irritations. I pound my fists bloody on the ice, as everyone I know stands above me on the surface with looks of confusion and vague concern on their faces, asking me why I'm being so dramatic. I try to scream that I was not built for this. I was made to withstand heat, not cold. But when I open my mouth, my lungs fill with water and all that comes out is garbled nonsense. They all shake their heads in disappointment and say "You should be grateful, you know? Some people are burning."

First poem in quite a while. I hope you guys like it. 

Pulling It Off

You know those people who are totally over-the-top, and ridiculous, and possibly insane, but still somehow attractive? The ones who do the weirdest, most absurd, things but you still want to be around them anyway? The ones who never get embarrassed and obviously don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of them, and somehow that makes people love them? I have always wanted to be one of those people. I think I could do it too. I definitely have the weirdness part down. All I would have to do is stop stifling my natural behaviors. The problem is, I just don't think I have to confidence to pull it off. I have never been able to do anything crazy without getting embarrassed about it, and I don't think it works unless you can do it with no regrets. I think that's the difference between being one of those crazy charismatic people and just being really fucking weird.

Sam, from Garden State, is my hero. 

Inspiration

For the love of fuck! I have got to find something interesting to do with my time! I keep putting off writing my posts because I keep thinking that an interesting topic will come to me. Then I realize that no interesting topics are coming to me because I don't ever do anything interesting. I mean seriously, what do people do for fun? It doesn't even have to be THAT fun, just kind of fun will do. Just as long as it gives me something to talk about besides TV shows.

Thinking

I feel like I spend the majority of my time trying desperately not to think too much about my life, or life in general. I distract myself with music, TV, Pinterest, etc. I think that's also part of the reason I feel better about things if I sleep less; I don't have the mental energy to think everything to death. It's not even thinking about the state of my life right now that bothers me so much, it's the unlikeliness of it ever changing as much as I want it to. So every once in a while, I'm scrolling through Pinterest, ignoring reality to the best of my ability, and I see something that reminds me of all the things I want in my life that I am probably never going to have. When this happens, I always feel vaguely betrayed like "Damn you Pinterest! You're supposed to be helping me forget about shit like this!" So yeah, Pinterest and I are not on the best terms right now. That's not to say that I won't still scroll through it for hours on end, but I will do so with a slight air of disdain.

14 for 2014

The following is my lists of goals for the next year. Let's start with all the things I didn't manage to get around to this past year, shall we?

1- Do some real activism. Also, write more animal right related posts here.

2- Find a way to make enough money to get by without wishing I were dead.

3- I am going to rephrase the "social skills" one a bit and say that I want to start doing more social activities., and  find, at least, one that I actually enjoy.

4- I still really want to take a martial arts class.

5- I damn well better be able to do a fucking pull up by next year!

6- I AM going to go back to Farm Sanctuary this year, and hopefully back to the Festival of Colors as well.

7- Learn to act like one of those confident girls. Who know, stand up for myself, stand up for my beliefs, talk to people.

8- Learn to make metal jewelry, and hopefully actually sell some.

9- Write more poetry, and hopefully perform it somewhere.

10- Buy a car. A cool one would be nice but, at this point, I would settle for a piece of shit one.

11- Write something more substantial than a blog post. Get another article published? Write for the Flaming Vegan? Work on the "book" I started writing forever ago? Something.

12- I don't know, maybe go on a fucking date or something. Have some sort of romantic type interaction with another human being.

13- Get myself on a real schedule so that maybe I can accomplish half of the things I set out to do, in a given day. Especially get my sleep schedule down, so that I don't start out the day with several less hours than I had planned on.

14- Keep up with my goddamn email! Fucking hell I have so many emails!

In case you didn't notice, I decided to be a bit more vague with some of them this year so that, hopefully, I won't be quite as disappointed with myself next year.