Functioning in Society Is a Pain in the Ass

So today I go back to class. I thought after this whole long, boring month off that I would be excited to go back, or at the very least a bit nervous. You know what I really feel though? annoyed. That's it. I ended up with mostly classes that I'm actually interested in, I got them scheduled in a way that actually makes sense this semester and it happens to be warm outside even though this is the middle of January. I should probably be feeling pretty good about going back, but no. I just feel vaguely annoyed.

Totally Uncalled-for

I have an unjustified disdain for certain objects. There are certain things that are designed to make our lives easier, and that in fact do make our lives easier, that I just do not like. I have no explanation for it, at least not one that makes any sense.

Things I dislike for no reason.
1. Straws
2. Umbrellas
3. Band Aids

I can't explain why, but I feel like a fool when I use any of those things and will generally avoid them at all costs. I will occasionally make an exception on the straws, but only for frappuccinos.

Sometimes Worse Is....... Better?

I'm sure this will sound insane, but sometimes I think I would be better off if my life had been harder. Nothing really bad has ever actually happened to me. Every bad thing that has ever happened in my life has been sort of a low-grade pain in the ass, instead of an actual disaster. Even the times when things could have gone terribly wrong, they ended up being not so bad. I mean fuck, I once ran a car off a bridge and didn't even get hurt. The car was totaled and I felt like shit about it, but I was fine. I'm sure anyone reading this is wondering what the hell I'm complaining about. That sounds like a blessing, right? Well, here's the thing, I have this theory that the whole reason so many people in our society are so unhappy is that we really have nothing to struggle for anymore. Most of us don't have any legitimate hardship in our lives. This may not be the case for other people (and for all I know it might not even actually be the case for me) but I feel like I would be less unhappy if I had something to fight for, or against, or whatever. I think maybe the reason so many of us are so unfulfilled in our lives is that the only struggles we face are against stupid, mundane, meaningless annoyances. I often feel like there's no point in fighting against the little problems of everyday life, because really, what's the point? I suspect that facing true adversity might make me feel more motivated. I often wonder if, back in the days when people had to struggle just to survive, anyone ever felt the emptiness that so many of us feel today. If you spend every day wondering if you are going to die, do you really have time to wonder if you chose the right career path? If you have to worry about whether or not your family will have enough food to get through the winter, would it ever occur to you to wonder if you should have dated more before you got married?

Hermits United

I often find myself torn between a desire to connect with other people and the idea that I would be better off living in a shack in the woods or something. Every once in a while I actually do enjoy being around other people (It was great catching up with you the other day, Rachel!) but, for the most part, I just don't like social situations. I always have these ideas about how things will go and they almost always fall far short of my expectations. I keep thinking that if I could learn to be more outgoing or get to know more people that my life would be better but I have found that, most of the time, I am more comfortable and  happier(?) being alone. I keep trying to force myself to go do things and be around people in the hopes that someday I'll get used to it and learn to enjoy the company of others, but I'm starting to think I am just putting myself through extreme awkwardness and discomfort for no reason. I'm not sure I am ever going to like being social, and maybe I really would be better off just spending as little time around other humans as possible.

Being This Lazy Takes Work

I'm not sure how this is possible, but somehow I manage to be both overly motivated and extremely lazy at the same time. I exercise every day. It drives me crazy if I skip a day. Yet I will let my car nearly run out of gas because I hate stopping to fill it up. If there is some piece of information I'm looking for, I will spend hours online searching for it, but I can't make myself study for tests. It takes me twice as long as it should to buy groceries because I read the labels on everything, but half the time I end up eating canned beans, smashed with a fork, on chips because I can't manage to make myself cook.

My Good Fingerless Gloves Are Only for Special Occasions

At any given time, I will probably posses four or five articles of clothing that I actually like. I prefer to buy my clothes used, which makes it difficult to find things that I like and that fit correctly. I'm always broke which means that, even when shopping at Goodwill, I have to be careful how much I buy. Also, everything I own is always getting ruined; my stuff is always getting torn up or smeared with pig mud or something. So I have developed this weird habit of rationing my favorite clothes. Everyday, when I'm deciding what to wear, I consider what the chances are that I will see anyone who I give a shit what they think of me. Sometimes my favorite clothes don't get worn for a while.

Tastes Change...A Lot

I've heard so many meat eaters say that they could never be vegan because they "just like meat too much" and a lot of vegetarians say that they "just like cheese too much." I'm sure they really think that's true. Here's the thing though people; tastes change. I'm not saying it's not difficult because, at first, it is. After a while though it's not difficult anymore. After a while you don't even miss those foods you used to eat. In fact, after a while they start to look, and smell, disgusting to you. I'm not just talking about animal products either, I'm talking about all unhealthy foods. When I was a kid I ate so much unhealthy food that when I think about it now I can't even believe it. I loved it. I would eat anything that was sugary or greasy or cheesy, and lots of it. When I first became vegan I searched for replacements for those things. Where I live though, they're hard to find and when I could find them they were more expensive than I could afford to buy on a regular basis. So I just said "fuck it" and gave them up altogether. Now I can't even think about eating most of that stuff without getting grossed out. It doesn't even look like food to me anymore. So to anyone who thinks they can't be vegan, or they can't eat healthy. Yes you can. You just have to have a little bit of willpower and a little bit of patience and I guarantee you, if you can just wait it out, you'll be so much better off in the long run.